MyLife

//allergic to stupid people// but im not like other teenagers, im 51 [wrote this bio when I was a teen, good timez :/]

[deejay]

Reblog if you need this energy

[unusualshrimp]

°C stands for Correct temperature and °F stands for Freak temperature

[dankmemeuniversity]

[ironychan]

I submit to you that the most iconic feature of any animal is either unlikely or impossible to fossilize.

If all we had of wolves were their bones we would never guess that they howl.

If all we had of elephants were fossils with no living related species, we might infer some kind of proboscis but we'd never come up with those ears.

If all we had of chickens were bones, we wouldn't know about their combs and wattles, or that roosters crow.

We wouldn't know that lions have manes, or that zebras have stripes, or that peacocks have trains, that howler monkeys yell, that cats purr, that deer shed the velvet from their antlers, that caterpillars become butterflies, that spiders make webs, that chickadees say their name, that Canada geese are assholes, that orangutans are ginger, that dolphins echolocate, or that squid even existed.

My point here is that we don't know anything about dinosaurs. If we saw one we would not recognize it. As my evidence I submit the above, along with the fact that it took us two centuries to realize they'd been all around us the whole time.

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

XKCD

[approach]

age 11: worry about internet people finding me in real life

now: worry about people in real life finding me on the internet

[traptacular-deactivated20180125]

[homoquartz]

i’m .........

[batgirlbrit]

I...I don’t know what I expected

[shadesofexquisite]

“Everybody thinks they want a summer romance, kisses by the lake, sundresses and bonfires, driving fast with the windows down and swimming until your legs give out, and I do want that, but I thought more so I wanted a fall romance, big sweaters, hot chocolate dates, cuddling because it’s cold out and you really need too, excuses to hold his hand, anything pumpkin flavored, being able to take a romantic walk anywhere and feel like the entire world knows you’re in love because it’s bursting into flames with you, but I think what I want is someone for all my seasons. I think you become a different person during each time of the year and I want to see every shade, pink cheeks, cold bitten noses, eyes against autumn skies, first t-shirt of spring, I want someone there, I want to be there.”

—

[illuminatewords]

“I wish you cared about me. I wish you were capable of falling in love. How can you leave me just like that? So effortlessly, so careless? As if the past couple of months, the nights where we spent all night up with each other, meant nothing? How can you hold my hands, take a peek into my soul, and just never want to feel the warmth again? How can you kiss me, feel my entire body electrify, and never want to taste how I feel for you again? How can you just let me, and everything go, like you never cared at all?”

— Baby, you’re so cruel and I don’t think I can ever forgive you

[airmercury]

[neobjasnjiva]

[allthingseurope]

Ptuj, Slovenia (by Sergey Alimov)

[whitepeopletwitter]

[dark-soul9]

how do i put my mind on mute

[pandaaamonium14]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[skrillcholas-cage]

oh my god these are great

[princemetalthunder]

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes

[ur-so-fake-honey]

Ja ću uvijek biti tu, osim kad ti to ne želiš.

[recisumojeigracke]

“Što pre se desiš sebi, pre će ti biti bolje.”

— recisumojeigracke