If I Had My Choice: Part 17
Alexander x Female Reader
Part One
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A/N: This chapter's a little shorter than usual, but mostly because I can only fit so much angst into one chapter before y'all riot. Things won't start looking up for... awhile, so I guess enjoy this as much as possible!
Tags:@yehummno @robotic-space @isntthisenoughwhatwouldbeenough @unprofessional-inhumanbeing@sorryimacrapwriter @a-meme-you-cant-sweat-out@justanotherhamiltrash@marquiis-de-la-baguette@akarihamada@voldecrux@whowrotetheother51@bruuuhhhh-here-i-am @spideyboipete
The air was thick in the room in the wake of Alexander’s outburst, and you studied the floor pointedly, ignoring the heated gaze you could feel from Philip and Theodosia’s direction.
Finally, feeling as if you were suffocating in that room, you took a wobbly breath, and announced, “I should probably go-”
Before you had even taken your first step out of the room, Philip cried out.
“Y/N, are you serious!” he yelled, his voice an equal mixture of angry and upset. You cringed and hesitated to move towards the door, almost afraid you would bite through your cheek with how tightly your teeth were clench around it to keep you from crying.
You had stopped, accepting your fate, but still refused to look either of them in the eye.
“How could you?” Philip asked, and from the waver in his voice, you could tell he had begun crying. You felt his presence nearing to your side and stiffened your body to remain rigid to any words he might inflict upon you. “How could you not tell us Aremine was the one who kidnapped you?” His voice pleaded with you as he now stood directly in front of you.
Finally risking a glance, your eyes flicked up to his, and immediately you regretted it. The pain and betrayal hurt deeper than you expected. Philip had stood with you through everything the past years, and now he believed (correctly) you had been lying to him for most of it. Against your better judgement, however, you held his eye contact.
“I didn’t want you to worry,” you answered honestly, and Philip looked as if he would break down then and there.
“We are always worried about you, Y/N. You are your mother’s number one target in you live in her house, for god’s sake!” he spat back, and you clench your jaw even tighter. “The one thing--the only thing--that keeps me sane despite that worry is the knowledge that you allow us to protect you in the best ways we can.”
Your expression turned guilty as you stared at Philip sadly, tears escaping from your eyes.
“And I can’t protect you, if you don’t tell us when your in danger,” he finished. You knew he was trying to restrain his tone and make you feel like he wasn’t yelling at you, but you knew he was.
With a shaky sob, you shook your head and shrugged your shoulders. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, it’s just- It’s always been common knowledge to me, before CP began, before we were even friends, that one day Aremine would kill me. I was trying to protect you from that truth; I was trying to do as much good as possible before she won. That’s what all this has been for; that’s why I’ve been fighting all these years,” you managed to explain through the sobs, and Philip took a step back from you, looking at you horrified, as if he didn’t recognize you anymore.
“Well we were not fighting so you could die,” Theodosia declared with venom in her voice, and you turned to face her guiltily. She too had tears streaming down her face as she glared at you angrily. “That might have been the terms you were working under, but we never were. We did not risk our lives to settle this deal with Dmere just so you could throw your life away.”
“A sacrifice had to be made,” you explained weakly. “What we’re trying to do is end a war; sacrifices always have to be made.”
“Then sacrifice your mother!” Theodosia screamed, and you jumped back a little, a sob raking through your body. “She is a monster and you are good, Y/N. I know how much of a pacifist you are, but surely exchanging your life for hers is a clear line of unimpeded morality!”
You sighed frustrated, tired of having this argument, though it was usually just one that happened in your head.
“But then where does the line lie for me!” you exclaimed, and both of your friends gritted their teeth a bit. “Where do I stop being a good person and start becoming a bad one? You are asking me to kill my own mother; regardless of circumstance, that will change me. That will change my morality. Can you honestly promise me I won’t begin to slip after she’s dead? That I will definitely be on the good side for the rest of my life after I kill the Lady of this Sector--my mother--for power?”
“Y/N I understand why you’re worried, but you’re not your mother,” a soft voice came from your side now, and you turned back to Philip. “Your mother is just a despicable human being. She is nowhere near that line of good versus evil. She is just plain evil, you don’t have to-”
“No you aren’t getting it!” you cried out again, and Philip stopped abruptly in the middle of his sentence as you looked at him helplessly. “My mother was good,” you stated quietly, but with force. “She was regarded as the wisest, most kind Lady this Sector has ever seen. She played dolls with me. She took me to pick flowers in the garden. She read me bedtime stories. She loved me unconditionally. And then one day, it was almost unnoticeable, but a small darkness took hold of her heart. And she just-” Your voice trailed off, knowing your friends knew what happened from there.
Your mother became paranoid. Sought help from more and more corrupt people. Let the happiness seep out of her form. Locked your father away in an unvisited corner of the estate. Forbid the use of magic in the kingdom. Sired a child with her chief advisor. Declared war against every other Sector.
Your mother just slipped. And you would die before you would ever do the same.
Clenching your jaw, you let out a long breath, and then looked up at your friends once again.
“I will not kill my mother. And I will not entertain any more discussion on the subject,” you announced steadily, before you turned and swiftly exited the room.
You were grateful that they let you go without a word.
Philip and Theodosia left later that day without another word to you. You watched from you window as their carriage left down the path from your house and tried to reason out any sting of their silent goodbye. You would see them next week for the wedding anyways, you told yourself. It didn’t matter if they were still angry at you for the revelations from earlier in the day.
You pushed down any fears you had that they would never forgive you. You had hurt them, but you hoped they understood where you were coming from. You didn’t want to end things with them on a bad note. They had been your longest friends and most trusted confidants for most of your life.
Deciding to no longer dwell on the what ifs of your future, you pushed yourself up from your window seat, and sighed heavily. You needed to clear your head and distract yourself for awhile. And considering everyone in your life at the moment was angry with and avoiding you, that left pretty much one option for a distraction.
Softly, you padded through the hallways, your feet automatically knowing the path for you to take. As you pushed in the door to the library, you sighed at the sight of it. It looked exactly as it had the day before, but today that was more of a comfort. At least you knew no one would accidentally bother you in here, as no one seemed to step foot in here ever.
You drifted through the stacks of books slowly. At the convent, there was no use for books on politics or science or history. The Charter--the book of your holy gods--was the only book in use, and you had broke eventually, reading the whole thing a total of four times in the past year, for complete lack of anything else to stimulate your mind. Your mentors had been impressed, taking it as a sign of your dedication to your vocation rather than a sign of your utter boredom.
But here, among the shelves you had grown up with, there was a tight familiarity pulling at your chest as your fingers graced over the spines as you walked by. Finally, you settled on a book you had always had the intention to read, but never had gotten around to it, describing the life and accomplishments of Lady Eleanor the Great. You already knew a great deal on the woman from your lessons growing up, but you knew the author of this particular biography was rather progressive, more so than your studies would have been. You had been hoping to gain more knowledge on her achievements, or at least learn her tale in a different light.
Settling into the chair by the great window overlooking the orchard, you quieted your mind and let yourself have this moment of peace.
Yet a mere twenty minutes into reading, your thoughts were coming back full force. There was so much you still had to prepare for before you returned to the orphanage. So much to be done before Bethany’s wedding. CP, you were convinced, would be in good hands, especially seeing now how capable Bethany was at its helm, though the thought of her being involved in such an organization unsettled you a bit.
You were torn on whether or not you wanted to come clean to Bethany before you-
You cut off the thought and tried to refocus on the biography in your hands, but after rereading the same page four times, you shut it frustrated.
It was still unknown to you what you had to even come clean to Bethany for. You and Alexander, obviously. But did she know about her father? Your father? Your powers?
You decided the last one would be the deciding factor. If she didn’t know you had powers, there would be no reason she would know your father also possessed powers and that she was bastard child for that reason. But how were you ever supposed to figure out if she knew though?
A movement outside the window drew your attention. As if it were a sign from the world, you watched as Alexander walked towards the estate. Letting out long sigh, you dropped the book on the windowsill and ran without thinking it over much more. If you hurried, you could corner Alexander in the foyer.
Even if he was understandably upset at you right now, you were sure he could answer one simple question for you. You would use your final question on it if you had to.
As you raced down the stairs and stumbled into the foyer, you let out a sigh of relief seeing Alexander walking unassumingly through. Noticing the movement at the other end of the room, he glanced up unperturbed, but froze when he saw you standing there, out of breath from your run.
He considered you for a second, and then turned on his heel and began to angrily stalk out of the room without a word.
“Wait, Alexander!” you called out to him, running after him a little desperately. “I’m not trying to-” You cut yourself off to give yourself a little boost of speed and sprint in front of him and block his access to the doorway. You glared at him and he matched your look as your chest heaved, catching your breath. “I just need to know what Bethany knows.”
“She doesn’t know about us!” he yelled out incredulously, as if he were angry you would even ask him about that.
“I know that!” you shot back, getting annoyed with his demeanor. “I meant about CP,” you finally confessed, your voice hushed. “What does she know?”
Alexander stared at you for a moment, his jaw clenched tightly before he finally sighed, looked you in the eye, and responded confidently, “She knows what she needs to know.”
This shot of burst of anger through your body, and he fought not to respond to the fire that now glared at him through your eyes. “She didn’t need to know anything; that’s why I kept her out of it!” you accused, pushing your finger into his chest, and his eyes darkened as he swatted your hand away.
“See this is what you always do!” he exclaimed, taking an intimidating step towards you, forcing to take an unsteady one backwards. “You always underestimate her and try to keep her down.”
You scoffed at his words. “God is that what you think?” you inquired, your eyebrows furrowing into an intense frustration mixed with a bit of disbelief. How could he not see you were trying to protect her? You had always been trying to protect her.
“Yes,” he answered easily. “She is brave and strong and loyal and-”
“You sound like you’re actually in love with her.” The words slipped out and you cut him off before you could think it through. The response was immediate. If you thought Alexander looked angry before, you were very mistaken.
Every inch of his body clenched stiffly and a dark shadow passed over his face. You had the good sense to look a little ashamed of what you had said, but it didn’t help to soften the glowering face in front of you. The face that up until this past week you had only associated with kindness, understanding, and love for the past two years. You swallowed thickly.
“I am actually in love with her,” he responded with finalty. And forcibly pushing past you, he began to walk away.
You felt something shift within you. You had seen him interact with Bethany; you had heard what Philip had told you. And yet, there was something characteristically different about hearing the words from his lips himself.
He was in love with her.
He had moved on.
“No, wait Alexander!” you called out, your voice softer and more desperate, pushing your spilling emotions down further than you had ever pushed them before. You couldn’t let the overwhelming wave of heartbreak that was about to hit you be for nought.
He paused, and after a moment it was clear he was waiting for you to speak again.
“I- I still need to know,” you finally continued after a moment, your voice almost a whisper at this point. “Does Bethany know about my powers?”
You held your breath as you waited for a response, wondering whether he would give you one at all or just walk away.
“No.”
Relief swept through your body, both at the fact that Bethany still was kept safe away from some secrets and that Alexander had at least given her the answer to that question. Before you could comprehend it, however, Alexander pivoted and came marching back up to you, anger ablaze on his face. You cowarded a bit, taking in a shaky breath.
“Your jealousy is ridiculous and insulting,” he began, venom coursing through his voice, and you immediately averted your eyes from his. “You left. You forfeited any claim you have over my heart. You do not get to be hurt.” You clenched your jaw at his words and fought unsuccessfully against the tears building in your eyes. “Do not approach me again,” he continued. “Do not speak to me again. And do not ever insinuate that you still know where my heart lies again. I will tolerate you for the next two weeks on Bethany’s behalf, but after that I will watch gladly as you ride away to your little hiding place again.”
With his final word, he turned and began to walk away again. You watched as he crossed the room, the distance between the two of you growing, and you couldn’t stop the next words desperately falling from your lips.
“What was I supposed to do?”
He turned alarmingly fast at this, his face in a look of rage and disbelief.
“What were you- Not running away was a good start!” he yelled, and it was first time he let you see the tiniest silver of the pain you had inflicted on him when you left. Just a hint in his eyes, you could tell there was a sadness lurking there he had learned to hide for months now. Your heart physically ached at the sight.
Biting your cheek you sighed and called out, “I didn’t run away. I did what had to be done.”
“And the slipping out while I was still sleeping and then lying to me about where you were going was just what? Necessary additions to your plan?” he asked, not even trying to mask the pain in his voice. You swallowed thickly.
“I couldn’t have told you, and you know it,” you reasoned, though at this point, it sounded weak even to you.
“Oh I know it, but not for the reason you think,” he responded, anger seeping back into his voice, and you looked back up at him confused. “So why’d you do it? Why’d you never tell me what your master plan was?”
You consider him for a moment, tears running freely down your face, before you took a shuddering breath. “You would’ve tried to convince me out of it, tell me there was another way,” you explained quietly.
“There was another way.”
“No there wasn’t!” you called back, and his expression hardened a bit at the outburst.
“Yes there was,” he repeated, firmer this time, “and you didn’t tell me about the plan because you knew I would be right. You knew that if you told me, I would convince you out of it.”
“Which would put lives in danger,” you argued back.
“Which would take away your get out of jail for free card,” he responded simply, and you once again furrowed your eyebrows.
“My what-”
“Let us come to an understanding,” he cut you off with a kind of furious calm. “You did not settle on this plan and only this plan because you wanted to end the war and see your mother go down. You wanted to end the war, see your mother go down, and get away with having an affair with your sister’s Choice without ever confronting her about it. And this was the only plan that offered you all three.”
You stared at him, dumbfounded and taken aback. It took you several minutes to even gather your thoughts, let alone comprehend everything he was accusing you of.
He thought you did this just so you could “get away” with hurting Bethany. Thought you just didn’t want to own up to your wrongs and took the easy way out. Gave up your title, your people’s trust, your loved ones, because life got a little bumpy. Because you made a morally questionable mistake and couldn’t take the heat from it.
He thought you did this because of him, when he was the only reason you almost didn’t do it at all.
You were silent for a long while, taking this all in and composing yourself before you spoke.
“Then let us come to this understanding as well,” you finally responded cooly, your eyes flicking up to his with a leveled glare. “I have cared for Bethany far longer than you have, and I will always and have always done anything and everything in my power to protect her. You were the one who flirted with her to gain status, not me. You were the one who was in a Chosen bond with her when you fell in love with another, not me. You were the one who brought her into CP, not me. I have my faults, and I have made mistakes. But the moment I believe it would protect her in any way shape or form to own up to them, I have and will do just that. So don’t you dare insinuate that you care more about her than I do or that my decision making one year ago had anything to do with you.”
When you finished, the two of you were at a standoff, and Alexander was doing a remarkable job at not showing that your words affected him. But you knew him too well, you had memorized him not one year ago. And you could tell.
You crushed him.
And you knew he could see that that hurt you as well. One year apart and the two of you still couldn’t get anything past each other.
“Alexander?” you heard Bethany’s voice call out from the hallway behind him, and immediately the two of your fixed your expressions into those of just pure anger, not wanting Bethany to read into anything. “There you are!” she called out cheerfully. “I was beginning to wonder when I saw you walking up to the state but you never arrived back at the room-”
Her voice cut off when she followed his gaze to you across the room. Her expression immediately hardened and you flinched at the reaction.
Without looking back at Alexander, Bethany waved him off, unperturbed of any standing unfinished between you and him, mumbling, “I need a moment alone with her please, Alexander.”
He hesitated for a second, glancing briefly over to Bethany and then back to you. You offered him a subtle nod, an understanding that they were both still in this for her, before he relented, kissed her on the forehead, and left the room quietly.
When you were left alone in the room with your sister, you had the good sense to know not to speak until she got what was haunting her off her chest.
It came sooner than you thought it would, and much more aggressive as well.
“You lied to me, again,” she gritted out. “And you kept the circumstance of your kidnapping a secret, making Alexander keep it a secret from me in the process!”
You remain silent, knowing nothing you said would comfort your sister at this point.
“God, I just keep trying to get closer to you and all I keep finding are these secrets and lies,” she accused, tears forming in her eyes, and you couldn’t even come up with an argument against that. She was right. And there worse secrets and lies waiting to be uncovered that she couldn’t even fathom.
When you didn’t respond, she continued. “You made a Bond with Mother and expect her to kill you?” she asked, her hurt seeping through her voice, and you shakily swallowed, knowing you deserved whatever she threw at you. “You knew you were kidnapped by Mother and just tried to die? What else are you hiding from me, Y/N? Do I ever get to know who my sister really is?”
You stared at her, unable to answer her question. If you said yes, it would be a blatant lie Bethany could add to her list. If you said no… well the truth might just hurt her too much in this instance.
She watched you carefully and when she realized you weren’t going to respond, she nodded sadly, as if she knew that would be your answer.
“Yeah, I didn’t think so,” she answered herself sadly, tears streaking down her cheeks as she turned to leave.
“Bethany,” you called out, not wanting to leave the conversation like this. Not wanting to be such a disappointment to your sister.
“No, just,” Bethany sighed and trailed off. Finally she looked back up at you, and you could see how tired she was in her eyes. “Not right now,” she pleaded quietly, and you acquiesced and allowed her to leave the room without protest.
You returned to your room numbly and curled up in your bed, wishing to fall asleep right there and then despite not having eaten a bite of food that day. Somehow the knowledge that every single person you cared about actively hated you killed your appetite.
You dreamed you were back in the hard, cold orphanage bed and were relieved to finally be in a place you weren’t constantly hurting someone.