Limits, Consent Violations, Safewording, and Recovery
As a submissive, you are not obligated to take part in every kink that your partner is interested in. Due to past trauma or other objectionable reasons, there may be activities that you don’t wish explore. The listing of these types of subjective and objectionable activities are referred to as your limits.
Limits need to be clearly communicated to any partner you engage in D/s activities with, whether it is someone you intend to be your dominant for years to come, or someone you meet at a party and want an evening of play with. Failure to clearly express your limits to a partner can result in anything between minor consent issues, up to and including lasting trauma. As a submissive, it is your responsibility to make sure every partner you play with knows what they are, and that they adhere to them.
If you are a Dom or top, it is your responsibility to make sure you are aware and mindful of your partner’s limitations before and during periods of play. If it has been a while since you discussed and reviewed your partner’s limits, it would be wise of you to check in from time to time, and make sure you have them all in mind, and are able to successfully navigate a scene around them.
It is the bottom’s/sub’s responsibility to communicate their limits to partner(s). It is a top/Dom’s responsibility to receive and know these limits. If both parties take their responsibility in this regard seriously, consent issues born out of ignorance should not occur.
Limits are not set in stone at the beginning of a relationship. They are a list of kinks you do not CURRENTLY wish to explore, and therefore will evolve and change as you evolve and have more experiences. A limit can be removed from your list and be explored anytime you come to find your attitude has changed about it. New limits can be added either on a temporary or permanent basis if you discover new or existing kink has become disturbing or triggering. Because of the fluid nature of a list of limits, I will reiterate that it is important you communicate changes of your limits to your partner(s), and that your partner should periodically check in to make sure you have an opportunity to express these changes in your limits.
Limits are not solely held by bottoms and/or subs. Tops and Doms have limits too, and it is likewise their responsibility to communicate them to their partner(s), and should be periodically revisited by their partner(s).
The purpose of limits are to create a roadmap of obstacles that your partner must navigate around during a scene. The purpose of limits is not to control your immediate environment every time something occurs that is out of your current comfort zone. An argument between you and a partner cannot become an instant limit when you decide it isn’t going well, or you’ve decided you’ve had enough. To do so erodes the seriousness of limits within D/s culture, at a time when simple human interaction and communication should suffice in resolving the situation.
Limits should always be accepted at face value, and a partner should never challenge or try and wear your resolve about them down in order to explore one of your limits. A Dom or top may not forbid you to have a certain limit, or a list of limits. Limits are a basic right in D/s culture.
A consent violation occurs anytime one of your limits has been introduced into a scene by your partner. Consent violations occur under several different circumstances, and each should be handled differently in the aftermath.
Inadvertent consent violations due to ignorance of limits
This occurs when partners have failed to communicate their limits effectively and thoroughly to one another. Here the responsibility for the occurrence of the consent violation will likely be shared by both the Dom/top, and the Sub/bottom, as communication issues are seldom one directional. Any individual who has experienced these types of consent violations repeatedly within scenes may be deemed unsafe through their inability to completely communicate their limits effectively to partners. This type of consent violation can result in pain, trauma, and/or trust and relationship issues. This type of consent violation may require recovery.
Inadvertent consent violations due to carelessness
This type of consent violation occurs when one party, most often the Dom/top, introduces one of your limits into a scene inadvertently through a lack of focus or forgetfulness. Though inadvertent, this is a major breech of trust within any dynamic or D/s interaction. Unlike a consent violation born out of communication issues, responsibility for this type of consent violation will most often be one directional, and rest on the Dom/top. Any individual who has committed these types of consent violations repeatedly within scenes may be deemed unsafe through their inability to recall their partner’s clearly communicated limits, or their inability to remain focused enough to avoid a partner’s clearly communicated limits. This type of consent violation can result in pain, trauma, and/or trust and relationship issues. This type of consent violation requires recovery.
Purposeful consent violations: AKA abuse
This type of consent violation occurs most often when a Dom/top/shitbag knows your limits, but doesn’t care about avoiding them, actively pursues them, or otherwise removes your ability to consent within your scene. This is a purposeful and violent act. This type of consent violation is one directional. Any individual who has committed these types of consent violations should be deemed unsafe. Victims of this type of abuse may consider involving the police and proliferating the name of their abuser throughout kink communities in the hopes of limiting their opportunities of finding further victims. This type of consent violation is commonly called rape, and results in pain, trauma, and future trust and relationship issues. This is a violent and damaging act.
Safewording After a Consent Violation:
Once a consent violation occurs within a scene, it is the decision of the bottom/sub whether or not to safeword or otherwise communicate to the top/Dom that a limit has been broken and consent violated. If a bottom/sub chooses to continue a scene after they deem a consent violation to lack enough impetus to safeword, the consent violation should still be discussed and addressed following the scene. Most consent violations will trigger an immediate safeword from the bottom/sub, which should immediately stop the scene and give the bottom/sub the opportunity to tell their partner what is going on. A safeword is a reaction to a consent violation. Any bottom/sub who involves themselves in play with someone during which they feel the need to explore safewording in anticipation of consent violations occurring, does not have the sufficient trust and history they should have with that partner, and should not be involved in play with them.
Recovery Post Inadvertent Consent Violation:
It is important for D/s couples and partners to work together after an inadvertent consent violation has occurred. Tops/Doms should not be involved in play with bottoms/subs if they are unprepared to face the reality of this moment, where they have to own up and take full responsibility of making a horrible mistake, and journeying with their victim to help them recover from the damage they may have caused. Here are some things you can do to help a partner recover from a consent violation…
If she communicated the limit to you, and it was introduced into a scene by you, it is your mistake. To immediately start to diffuse the construction of the common psychology of the victim blaming themselves for inviting the violation, and taking responsibility on themselves, it’s important that you immediately express and continue to reinforce that the violation was your fault, and that your partner bears no responsibility for it. Any hedging on taking responsibility by a top/Dom who is more concerned with their own feelings of guilt, or reputation within their local community, can be extremely damaging to someone whose consent has been violated, and take a toll on their ability to trust others and themselves within current and future dynamics. To hedge on your responsibility here, is to commit a second breach of trust immediately after the initial breach of the consent violation.
Any consent violation is intrinsically a breach of trust. It takes a lot of trust for a bottom/sub to submit to a top/Dom, and when their limits are broken, that trust immediately takes a severe hit. If you don’t immediately start attending to repairing and building new trust with your victim, the chances that your relationship will survive or that your victim will recover as fully as they are able to after the violation, immediately start to diminish. Re-establishing trust in this situation will likely involve a lot of time and focus from the top/Dom. Re-establishing trust after a consent violation involves showing your victim that you are responsible, sorry, and highly motivated to make sure your mistake is not ever repeated with them or anyone else during play again.
It can take a long time for a victim of a consent violation to heal and recover. Be ready to put your normal dynamic flow on hold for weeks or months, and be ready for some aspects of recovery to take years of work to wear down. This will be the number one issue in your relationship until you are able to resolve it and prove that trust can be re-established, and that your relationship will continue. Your victim’s recovery time will not follow your timeline. You are not in charge of saying when they should be over it, or able to return to normal dynamic life. Take their lead while helping them recover and re-establishing your dynamic.
Part of showing your victim that you take responsibility for the violation will be the focus to which you are able to give to their recovery. Other issues you have either inside or outside of your relationship that can be put on hold so that you can communicate the severity at which you take your serious and potentially damaging mistake to your victim, by giving it as much of your focus as is possible, will go a long way in helping them recover, and give your relationship the best chance to continue.
Be Ready to Admit You Got In Over Your Head, and Seek Professional Help
Consent violations, whether they be inadvertent or outright violent abuse, can be deeply traumatic events that can mentally and emotionally damage their victims. If you perceive that what you are doing to help your victim recover is not working, do the right thing and seek the help of qualified professionals who can help them recover.
Consent violations are a risk and danger in any D/s scene. Every time a top/Dom initiates a scene with a bottom/sub, they risk inflicting potential hurt and damage by forgetting a partner’s limit and introducing it into the scene. As it is an inherent hazard within the role of tops/Doms, it is vitally important that every effort is made to assure consent violations do not occur, and that you feel able and qualified to help a partner recover from one you inadvertently inflict in the course of conducting a scene. Those who are not up for the taking the responsibility, and shepherding their victim through recovery, should not take on the role.
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