from the window, i see the plane parked outside, people in neon coloured vests rushing up and down the stairs with garbage bags and cleaning supplies. just another monday at the pearson airport.
for me, today is a big day. i’ll finally be going home after three whole years. but what used to be the excitement of finally seeing how much my hometown changed and developed through the years turned into…… fear. fear of not recognizing the streets i used to walk through every day, fear of speaking chinese awkwardly after deserting it for years, fear of…… being canadianized.
i was born and raised in china, maybe not 100% of the time, but definitely through my most formative years. i took pride in my chinese identity and the society i lived in, the crowded but warm community i call home. i told myself that, no matter how long i stay abroad, i’ll never question this identity, my roots.
but right now, as i type this note in english and listen to music on youtube, i realized something within me has changed. what’s the last time i had a conversation in chinese? read chinese books? been on chinese social platforms? i guess one of the reasons is that most of my friends are from the 6ix, that i have no occasion to be anything but canadian. at the same time, i feel very comfortable in this culture, as memories from fifteen years ago awaken.
i must bring this entry to an abrupt stop; my row is boarding right now. bye, toronto!
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