Writings of a Grieving Soulmate

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Unwanted Strength

People say I am the strongest person they have ever met. I have never felt more weak in my life. I don’t tell them that I don’t want the strength. I don’t tell them that the sacrifice was too large for the strength that they so easily say I now have. 

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Clarity

I have moments of clarity; times when I am ultra-focused. They are brief and fleeting but I take advantage. For a few minutes, twenty if I really try, I push the tragedy to the back of my mind and allow whatever I am focusing on to come forward. It takes an incredible, indescribable amount of energy to complete this task. 

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No Hesitation

Sometimes I ask myself if I would have known how it would have ended; if I would have had a taste of the pain I am in now, would I have started it in the first place? I think I ask myself that question just so I can feel proud of the fact that I would say yes without hesitation. I would say yes because I was allowed to love the greatest man I have ever known. I would say yes because I was allowed to be loved by the greatest man I have ever known. Yes, baby, I would have picked you. Every. Single. Time. 

[imbearingtheunbearable-blog]

TV

I wish I could be one of those actors on television. To be anything than what I am right now. To feel anything other than what I feel right now. 

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“How are you doing?”

This has become my most-hated phrase and question. My response ranges from a slight head nod whilst sucking my lips into my teeth to a stern “how do you think I’m doing?” My aunt told me I should respond with, “as best as can be expected,” but I don’t think I’m even doing that well. I’m breathing. That is a start, right? After my tears have dried, my chest has returned to a decently normal rhythm, and my head has slowed its pounding, I am still breathing. That should be enough for now. That is all I am capable of for now.