Hold on to your Feelings; This is Supposed to be a Humorous Writing Exercise
Everyone has advice to give. Some of it is helpful, some of it is not. Maybe I am not trying to become the best version of myself. Maybe I want to be a balanced version of myself.
How do I personally find balance in my life? (Asked no one) I will tell you, and I am sure it will be an unpopular answer so don't waste your time pointing it out, as I am aware.
I gave up most sugar and sugary foods so I could drink vodka liberally whenever I want to and not feel too bad about it.
I exercise a lot more than I used to and I am sure to allow enough time between reps for cigar breaks.
I don't have sex at all. Wait, I am not sure how to counter that or which side it belongs on. Oh wait, yeah I do know where it goes. Never mind that last one.
I became a vegetarian again. I eat spinach, fruit, salads and arugula nearly every day. Yet, I am looking at the Pringles can sitting next to me knowing that (other than the banana at breakfast and the coffee that could dissolve the spoon I was stirring it with) those Pringles have been my primary source of nutrition for the day; and it's after 6pm.
I take lactose tablets so I can occasionally drink milkshakes and eat delicious soft cheeses or other dairy products that my ancestors and I probably have no business eating. I feel worse the day after eating a large meal with alfredo sauce or cream cheese than most people do when nursing a hangover. It's sad but true.
I eat the hottest and spiciest foods in the world and in doing so I severely punish my own ass. I figure, why should my mouth have all of the fun? I eat food that is so spicy, it hurts me so bad; but I still love it so much. Me and spicy foods are in what some might consider an abusive relationship. Yeah, but I don't care. I love him and they just don't understand him like I do.
I drink a lot of water. It helps my burning ass, and let's face it, this vodka isn't going to chase itself. Geez.
Someone once told me I acted stupid when I was drinking the night before. So I quit...
...drinking in places that person might ever be.
I read Shakespeare and watch nature documentaries. I also watch TV shows where people get drunk and talk about farts.
I meditate and do yoga for peace of mind, yet I love horror films. I listen to scary stories read aloud in a soothing voice to help me sleep at night.
I have a lot of skin care products that I use often. I am also addicted to sticking Q-tips directly into both of my ear canals. I can't quit and I don't want to. I am aware of the risk.
I gave up on most forms of social media years ago so I could better focus on important things, like my YouTube and Tumblr accounts. Oh and watching TV, listening to loud music, and streaming movies.
I rarely use my phone, but my TV is running 24/7 (just like I do when I am carrying scissors).
So to all of those who are just watching what I do so they can criticize me (those people who are probably not even on this site), I say... "Who hurt you? Do you need to be held? Are you sure it isn't your life that is out of balance?"
My life is balanced. It's almost the definition of balance. I do something good, followed by something not so good then I do something good again.
Maybe you could look at your life and see if it needs a little balancing act. I'm feeling generous so let me help you out. If you are looking that hard at my life for the sake of being critical, you are probably not very nice and, your life is VERY boring. You can start with that.