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[imdoingwhateverisnext]

Body Image

Psychiatrist- Body and face dysmorphia can also cause you to be depressed and anxious. It can be similar to OCD. You could benefit from taking an SSRI.

Sheila- I have taken them before. They had a lot of really unwanted side effects. Not to mention I didn't like how badly they blurred my vision.

Psychiatrist raises his eyebrows and touches his nose as he scribbles in his note pad.

Sheila- Oh. Well now that makes sense.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

When I was a Little Kid

I used to bend over and put my head on the floor so I could look at everyone upside down.

I believed the moon followed me everywhere I went.

I would catch bees in zip-lock bags and would shake them like little buzzing maracas (then I would let them go and they wouldn't even sting).

I called strawberries "gobbies".

I called hot-dogs "doppels"; and I used to peel them.

************************************************

The term "Doppelganger" just took on a whole new meaning.

WOW

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

How Does That Work?

If I were designing human beings, I would want each part to serve a purpose. I question the anatomical and functionality of my body and it's parts; not strictly aesthetics.

I have almost as much boob in my armpits as I have on my chest. It seems wasteful. Also, why do we keep them after we are finished feeding our babies? It seems like a lot of unnecessary upkeep and management.

Why did I bleed like a stuck pig every month for years and years? Was this left over from some blood spell cult shit? Is it possible that me and my people (women) were used as grizzly bear or shark bait?

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

Ancient Anxiety

Every time I think I have conquered most of my crippling fears, an old faithful will pop up and scold me.

"Not so fast! Did you think I left? Oh no, I've been with you since 6th grade, why on earth would I leave now? This shit is just starting to get good!"

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

Dr D's Excellent Advice Paraphrased

If you are a medical provider, be yourself. This sounds like easy and generic advice, but embracing your own personality as a professional is not always easy. We are instructed to behave in a certain way as to not alienate anyone. Often in doing this, we end up catering to the wrong types of people. Some patients may not like you, and some might hate you and never come back to your practice. This is a good thing. You don't really need those patients. The patients who like you will trust you and most likely be loyal to your practice. The authenticity will help to create a more balanced and happier situation for you and your clients long term.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

Authenticity or Likability

These days a lot of focus is placed on people and things that are liked and disliked. I used to want everyone to like me and I wasted a LOT of energy fretting over people who didn't like me. It sounds silly and counter productive, and it is. Trying to be well-liked caused me to develop a sort of alter ego. I was being disingenuous. I eventually became the type of person I don't care for at all; a person who is inauthentic and fake.

I became an anxious people-pleaser. I wasted so much time and energy keeping other people happy, I literally forgot what I liked and enjoyed. Even worse, I attracted and was surrounded by people and personalities that I didn't enjoy. In a way, I forgot who I was. It has taken years of solitude, inner work and soul-searching to remember how to make myself happy.

I place the people in my life into two different categories; the drainers and the fillers. If my goblet is full, I want to share it with someone. I will even empty my goblet completely for someone I really care about. Fillers will refill my goblet with ease. Drainers will empty it and walk away without a thought; often quickly returning when they see my goblet is full again. Miraculously, the drainers always seem to know the status of my goblet, even if I haven't seen them or spoken to them in years.

I had a misguided belief that if I treated people a certain way, they would in turn do the same for me; aka the Golden Rule. As a result, I was keeping these leech-like people in my life. They would suck up every thing I would give them, and leave me feeling empty and unfulfilled and exhausted.

Leeches as well as fair weather friends will abandon me and disappear at the first sign of trouble. They can't be bothered by my needs. As soon as I stop being beneficial to them, they are gone. For better or worse, as I learn to like myself flaws and all, I prefer to lean into my own genuine personality as much as I can.

I used to hate to be alone. Now I prefer my own company to exhausting people who wouldn't even be bothered to piss on me if I was on fire (unless it somehow served their needs). Being alone and being lonely are two totally different things. The saddest type of loneliness I have ever experienced was while I was in a committed relationship with another. Believe me, if choosing between them being alone is preferable. If I knew back then that loneliness is a state of mind that I have some control over, I would not have wasted so many lonely years with someone else.

In addition to learning to like myself, I have given myself permission to like and to dislike things. This sounds simple and logical, but it isn't easy for a people-pleaser to have negative opinions. I was taught growing up, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all'. Now I embrace my own negative opinions and feelings as long as they are honest and thoroughly considered. Why would I try to entertain those who don't care for my company? Why would I cater to leeches? Why would I continue to fill the goblets of the drainers? I don't like them.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

Sibling Lessons Taught and Learned

Sisters can teach each other lessons in different ways while growing up in the same household. Sibling rivalries can last for decades while sharing the same living space. Each time a real or perceived slight occurs, it gets stored in the database for recall years later. Each slight can be used as an excuse for a revenge plot.

Jenny was the oldest. She could remember when Michelle was born. She loved her little sister, but she often didn't understand that the offenses Michelle caused were because she was younger. She hated hearing things like:

"You're older, I expect better from you", or "You should be setting an example", or "She copies you because she loves you", or "give your sister her nose back", or "if you are going out to play, you have to take your sister with you". Jenny couldn't catch a break.

The first 'incident' happened on a Saturday morning. Jenny was holding Michelle (who was still in diapers), and she had a diarrhea blowout that leaked from her cloth diaper all over Jenny's lap. Unbeknownst to her, this was foreshadowing a theme that would repeat itself over and over throughout the years. Saturday mornings back then were the only time a kid could watch cartoons and kid shows. Jenny cried as her mom forced her to take a bath and miss her favorite show.

As the years went on, there were 'incidents' and 'retaliations' from both sides. Michelle would cry and Jenny would get in trouble, whether she actually did anything or not.

Michelle was a hot-headed little kid and liked to get her way. She played the "I'm the baby" card masterfully. Jenny knew Michelle was much more sophisticated and manipulative than she let her parents know. She was excellent at parent manipulation, but Jenny could see though her crocodile tears. She could shut them off as soon as Mom left the room and she got exactly what she wanted. Jenny did not love this arrangement at all. It went against everything she thought about fairness in the world.

Michelle was afraid of the dark. It was one of her weak spots. After the sisters finished playing in the basement, Jenny was tired and ready to go upstairs. Michelle said, "Don't turn the light off". The light was a pull cord just above the stairs. Jenny saw her opportunity and took it. She sprinted to the stairs and pulled the cord, leaving her sister in the dark. Michelle screamed at the top of her lungs. Guess who heard it? Everyone in the house. Guess who got in trouble? Of course.

Weeks later, Jenny was lying in the floor watching TV. Suddenly she felt excruciating pain, and saw light flashes following a loud 'thud' sound from an impact to the back of her head. She began crying immediately and rolled over to see what had hit her. She saw her sister holding a shoe. It was a 'jelly' shoe with hollow spaces in the heels. This one in particular was filled with rocks. Michelle was just standing there over her sister with a blank look on her face not unlike Michael Myers after he stabbed his sister to death.

She admitted what she did, although it was too blatant for her to deny. This time justice was served and Michelle got in trouble, but she never apologized for it.

It was the beginning of the development of Michelle's revenge style. She was patient, waited for her opportunity (Jenny lying on her stomach distracted by TV) and she struck hard and fast when no one was looking. Jenny respected her for it years later, even though she had to learn this lesson through a head injury.

Michelle still doesn't apologize. Maybe it has something to do with that running tally she used to keep in her mind. Now she has a husband and children who she can punish and Jenny no longer looks over her shoulder incessantly waiting for the other shoe to drop (on her head).

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

Bathtub Farts

Note to self (and anyone else who cares): Running water in the bathtub as you are sitting in it does not silence your farts to the rest of the people you live with. In fact, it is quite the opposite. The reverberation echoes downstairs and even into the next room.

Your ass is not as subtle and sneaky as you once thought it was.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

Me Vs....

I have been called 'white trash' before; back when I was in grade school and I was even poorer than I am now. If I am being fully honest with myself, I have even heard it said about me recently.

Okay it was me saying it to myself, but it was still hurtful.

Me: Hey! Don't call me trashy! Just because I don't have a lot of money and nice well fitting clothes and a fancy car. I know you are secretly jealous! Yeah I said it. You have always been jealous of me!

Also Me: Fancy car? It's a 2010 Mitsubishi with dents and a passenger floorboard filled with water! The clothes are mostly from Good Will. They don't fit well because of dieting and exercise. You dumb twat! And yes, you are still trashy.

Me: You think you are so fucking smart. How have all of those books helped you in real life? Huh? I can make a bummed Marlboro Red taste like a Marlboro Light with a needle and a couple of strategically placed holes. Without me, could you? I have known how to do stuff like that since the 6th or 7th grade. You might drown in the rain staring at the sky.

Also Me: Well, at least I can have intelligent conversations.

Me: With who? The dogs?

Also Me: At least I am not a mean girl.

Me: You only know what they told you to know. You are a slave and you are street stupid.

Also Me: I am done with this conversation. Shut up. I hate you.

Me: Yeah that is very educated and mature. Way to go college girl!

Also Me: Go away. I am going to sleep.

LATER......

Me: Upon reflection and the rereading of this, especially the weird Marlboro brag, one could argue...oh well, never mind, I stand corrected. That trashy shoe fits I guess

I love arguing with me and proving me wrong.

Touche crazy bitch.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

How Self Deprecation fits into My Life

I still make fun of myself because it steals just a little bit of joy from someone else who might be getting ready to do it.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

Hold on to your Feelings; This is Supposed to be a Humorous Writing Exercise

Everyone has advice to give. Some of it is helpful, some of it is not. Maybe I am not trying to become the best version of myself. Maybe I want to be a balanced version of myself.

How do I personally find balance in my life? (Asked no one) I will tell you, and I am sure it will be an unpopular answer so don't waste your time pointing it out, as I am aware.

I gave up most sugar and sugary foods so I could drink vodka liberally whenever I want to and not feel too bad about it.

I exercise a lot more than I used to and I am sure to allow enough time between reps for cigar breaks.

I don't have sex at all. Wait, I am not sure how to counter that or which side it belongs on. Oh wait, yeah I do know where it goes. Never mind that last one.

I became a vegetarian again. I eat spinach, fruit, salads and arugula nearly every day. Yet, I am looking at the Pringles can sitting next to me knowing that (other than the banana at breakfast and the coffee that could dissolve the spoon I was stirring it with) those Pringles have been my primary source of nutrition for the day; and it's after 6pm.

I take lactose tablets so I can occasionally drink milkshakes and eat delicious soft cheeses or other dairy products that my ancestors and I probably have no business eating. I feel worse the day after eating a large meal with alfredo sauce or cream cheese than most people do when nursing a hangover. It's sad but true.

I eat the hottest and spiciest foods in the world and in doing so I severely punish my own ass. I figure, why should my mouth have all of the fun? I eat food that is so spicy, it hurts me so bad; but I still love it so much. Me and spicy foods are in what some might consider an abusive relationship. Yeah, but I don't care. I love him and they just don't understand him like I do.

I drink a lot of water. It helps my burning ass, and let's face it, this vodka isn't going to chase itself. Geez.

Someone once told me I acted stupid when I was drinking the night before. So I quit...

...drinking in places that person might ever be.

I read Shakespeare and watch nature documentaries. I also watch TV shows where people get drunk and talk about farts.

I meditate and do yoga for peace of mind, yet I love horror films. I listen to scary stories read aloud in a soothing voice to help me sleep at night.

I have a lot of skin care products that I use often. I am also addicted to sticking Q-tips directly into both of my ear canals. I can't quit and I don't want to. I am aware of the risk.

I gave up on most forms of social media years ago so I could better focus on important things, like my YouTube and Tumblr accounts. Oh and watching TV, listening to loud music, and streaming movies.

I rarely use my phone, but my TV is running 24/7 (just like I do when I am carrying scissors).

So to all of those who are just watching what I do so they can criticize me (those people who are probably not even on this site), I say... "Who hurt you? Do you need to be held? Are you sure it isn't your life that is out of balance?"

My life is balanced. It's almost the definition of balance. I do something good, followed by something not so good then I do something good again.

Maybe you could look at your life and see if it needs a little balancing act. I'm feeling generous so let me help you out. If you are looking that hard at my life for the sake of being critical, you are probably not very nice and, your life is VERY boring. You can start with that.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

With a Splash of Superstition

I am running out of things to be shocked by. I have seen a lot. Yet I am just superstitious enough to be afraid to utter those words aloud and possibly further jinx myself, because damn...enough is enough.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

What I Can't Believe

Every day, and multiple times per day, I say things like:

"I can't believe that I... (insert insane or ridiculous thing(s) I did here)"

AND

"I can't believe that they...(insert insane or ridiculous thing(s) they did here)"

Then I almost always have to correct myself immediately.

"Wait, what am I talking about? I can totally believe it. Why wouldn't I believe it? I must be an idiot."

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

Lame

I love seeing pictures of happy couples who have managed to stay together for years and years.

It gives me hope.

No punchline.

It genuinely makes me happy.

Good for them.

Happy belated Valentine's day to you all.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

Intrusive Thoughts About Pedestrians

Every time I pass a pedestrian, and I mean EVERY TIME, I have this intrusive and obsessive thought...

"What if he wants to kill himself and leaps in front of my car? Who would believe me? My life would be ruined and he wouldn't even be alive to testify on my behalf. No sir, not my car! Not today. Find some naive idiot's car to throw yourself in front of".

Then I give him an exaggerated amount of space, entering the oncoming lane of traffic at times.

And no, it doesn't matter that he is on the sidewalk. I'm nobody's sucker.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

The Hobo Package

When someone else plans your vacation, but you are just happy to be getting out of the house, it is hard to imagine it will be anything other than a fun and much needed get-away. Then we arrive at this place.

Norman and his mother would both be proud of the aesthetics of this motel. 'Excuse me sir, but I am pretty sure I requested the Hobo Package and suite, not the Serial Killer executive'. The doors are facing outward. There are no pass keys to access the hallway. Your door facing the parking lot is your best protection from the people who happen to be sharing this building with you.

The phone rings. Who could it be at this hour? It is the front desk clerk. He is suddenly adamant that he get a $50 cash security deposit, and he will not leave us alone until he gets it. It is more than a little shady. He insists it is just company policy and it will be returned to us in the morning.

"The TV doesn't even work, " Judy said. "What could we possibly hurt in this room? There is no hair dryer. There is no shampoo! There is no trash can in the bathroom. There's not even anything we could steal, not that we would want anything in here. Look, even the remote control is nasty!" Judy exclaims loud enough for the front desk clerk to hear her over the phone. Undeterred, he insists we pay the $50. So reluctantly, we do. We are both too mentally drained to argue with him.

"That's okay. By the looks of this place, it is probably just prepaid porn channels anyway," I was trying to lighten the mood but was also uncomfortably serious. "When I imagine getting murdered in my sleep, I had always hoped it would be in a nicer place than this".

Our precious amenity is one tiny dry bar of unscented soap to share between us. There is a mini fridge, but it doesn't count because it is dirty and rusted. If it weren't so late we would leave, but we are in an unfamiliar place.

"There is no trash can in the bathroom!" I call to my friend. "...and weirdly, the toilet is a push button flush model; that's a little fancy. I feel those funds could have been better allocated elsewhere".

There are no vending machines or ice. The beds have two comforters each and they are both sheet-like in thickness.

I looked at my worn out friend and said, "I am so thirsty, but for some reason I suspect the tap water will smell like farts". She fills a paper cup to test my theory. Surprisingly, it did not, and thank goodness because that tepid tap is all we have to drink. In a delirium type state, we begin to laugh to keep from crying.

It is already 1:30 am and we have an early schedule. It has been an exhaustive and grueling day fighting airport traffic, car rentals, shuttle services, hauling luggage, along with multiple interactions with the TSA in two different airports. I would like a shower, and I need one, but after looking at the bathtub, I am pretty sure I would be dirtier post-shower than I am right now.

We both collapse and try not to think about the amenities or lack thereof, or how bad our feet and backs hurt. We just wanted sleep. Every day is a new day, and surely tomorrow in the light of day, this place won't seem so bad.

Under the sunrise of morning I work diligently to make it appear as if my overnight stay had left me feeling refreshed. As I put on my makeup, the Piece de Resistance is revealed: a dried booger, stuck to the mirror I was looking in as I get ready. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

How to Get Rich

Send me ten dollars and I will tell you how.

Okay, I received your money.

Here is what you do.

Ask everyone to give you ten dollars.