Quotes from “Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier” as starters
But today could be the day I finally make a difference!
Where are you off to today, you no good piece of shit?
You’ve got to dream a little harder!
It took you long enough, you shit-eating dog.
Oh, so you think you're better than me just because you can read?
Just try to keep your fat face out of that motherfucking book.
Why am I the only one who sees things as they are?
Oh, ___, sometimes I feel you're my only friend in this world.
Today, things got a little out of hand and a lot of good people are dead.
Did we get the loaf of bread back?
Why do you even bother visiting us commoners anymore, you aristocat?
I sure hope you haven't goofed this one up, ___.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, look at this mess. Dead bodies in the street.
Did you know in this barbaric country they only give you money if you work?
Who would seek employment when life offers such enjoyment?
You're only in trouble if you get caught.
My father says that you must marry me now, or I'll bring dishonor to my entire family.
I can't give up on my dreams and settle down just 'cause your dad's being a dick.
‘Cause you stole my daughter’s hymen!
That’s completely fair, but in my defense - dude, your daughter’s hot.
My ass cheeks…they're hanging out.
And what's this? Blood. Blood on my ass cheeks. Tell me, ___, how the fuck did it get there?
Oh I am grateful for your tiny ass, ___!
This really is an act of war, ___!
Do not feed me shit and call it couscous, ___!
Well an hour free is better than a lifetime in a cage. Being fed and pampered and cleaned up after. What kind of a life is that?
When are you going to learn that your actions have consequences?
One of these days, you're going to learn that life isn't about dreams coming true. It's a series of compromises and disappointment.
That's supporting a corrupt system. You're a part of the problem.
I want everything, and more!
My secret is simple, really. Anyone could do it. I just follow the golden rule!
Always treat others like sisters and brothers and they’ll do the same for you.
I get back what I give!
My hunger blinded me and forced me to act like an animal.
But we're not animals. We're gifted with minds to reason and hearts to love!
I think that's enough fun for one day, eh, ___?
Well, we have our own golden rule here. Whoever has the gold…makes the rules.
The gold that my neighbor earns through his labor is gold I’ll never see.
So keep your mouth shut and your palm open, and you may just get...filthy stinkin' rich!
You could start by telling me your name.
I suppose this will be the end of me.
I am a servant to the people, and therefore your servant.
Magic does nothing if not touch the soul.
I want to know your story, I want to know your past, I want to know your future too.
Fill my days and nights with the tale of you.
I never cared for stories until you entered mine.
Let’s make ours the story with no end.
Their mouths aren't fit to hold a donkey's shit.
Many years ago, I took my finger…and I pushed in my penis…and it hasn't come out since.
A very wise and enthralling tale, ___. We can all learn a lesson from it, I expect.
Where's my opium?
Speak now, ___! And don't fuck it up!
Well, maybe I have a new purpose now.
That is what your story is about.
I wish I had the power to rewrite this tale.
Never stop wishing it, ___.
We will be reunited one day, and unlock wonders beyond your wildest dreams!
After all, I must be pretty great, if you believed in me.
I only hope you haven't fallen prey to some sex-crazed ruffian!
Right this way, babe.
This is so unfair! Poor people need slaves just as much as rich people do! Maybe even a little bit more.
Of course it's a free thinker like who's struggling to get by. And all because of our totally corrupt class system.
I hate the class system. That's why I said, "Fuck it, I'm never going to school again."
So, you abandoned everything, to be free? That is so brave.
Brave? Me? Yeah.
All my parents ever did was support me. Give me a place to stay, tell me they loved me, no matter what. They were really bad parents.
How's a thirty-three-year-old kid supposed to know how to survive on his own?
But that is not fair! ___’s a victim of circumstance!
Don't look at me like that! These are my orders from ___.
Wait, wait, what? You slit people's throats? I didn't tell you to kill anyone! This is awful!
___, no. That is just an expression.
I'm gonna have so much gold I could swim through it! Like a pool. Do you think people can really do that?
Once I get my mind set on a chick, I just can't move on until I get this nut out.
I can’t wait to be a rich dude!
Stealing is so much easier when you’ve got already tons of gold.
We’ll get our happy ending tonight.
We weren't sure if you were ever coming back, ___.
Everyone, look at my ass!
You received the manhood of a badger?
Those are stretch marks, they happen.
Oh, I see! You received the manhood of a tiger!
Did you hear that, lads? ___ made love to a tiger!
Tiger fucker! Tiger fucker! Tiger fucker!
I DID NOT FUCK A TIGER!!!
Am I not a thing of beauty? Don't you want a piece of this? Wouldn't you gladly give up all of your worldly possessions just to greet me when I come home from a one-sided massacre, and bathe my sweaty, bloody body with your tongue?
Oh…you. Aren't you busy ruining my life?
I noticed you weren't at dinner, but I saw you tried to poison my wine. Usually when you do that, it means you want to talk. What's up, are you mad at me?
You ripped my heart out and smashed it into a million pieces. And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.
He/she/they was perfect! Like if you cobbled together all the best features from all the best guys/girls/people, and then gave them a tragic backstory! It's like he/she/they was designed specifically to appeal to me.
I knew everything about him/her/them! He/she/they was my soul mate! My -- my -- God, I am freaking out, what was his/her/their name?
Believe it or not, I care about you.
I don't want to be prepared. I want to expect the unexpected.
Look, you're young. You don't exactly get how things work yet. And, while I don't appreciate any of your ideas, I do appreciate the fact that you HAVE ideas. Maybe one day you'll have some GOOD ones.
Sexual predators the lot of them! Their tactics target vulnerable, young girls, and build up false senses of trust and then isolate them on magic rides of sorts. And when the moment is right, they whip it out. You know... their songs.
Be wary of young boys who whip out their songs. A song is often a prelude to a dick.
A song is a dick in sheep's clothing.
Can't you see I'm trying to impart a life lesson?
I feel like you only come to see me when there's bad news.
I counted thirteen dead before the peacocks got to them.
How the fuck did you know it was me?
Because it IS you, you're just wearing different clothes.
Wow. Pretty AND smart. You're the whole shebang, babe.
Everything I told you the other night was a lie. Don't you trust me?
Ugh. Oh no. Okay, um, now I'm kind of feeling like everything about you that was attractive to me before isn't really there anymore.
No! No, I'm just being indecisive. It's still you.
I've just got to get back on that high that I was on before.
Look into my eyes and talk to me some more about the world's injustice!
Sure. Just let me roll this blunt first.
But I don't want her/him/they to love me. I just want her/him/them to fuck me.
You guys know there's a way to get people to think about sex without even talking about sex? You just gotta do it subliminally.
Hey, babe, it's such a beautiful night -- take off your clothes.
But…let me ask you this: is your penis an innie or an outie?
___ explained everything to me. He/she/they was just pretending to be a ___. For fun.
I bet the ___ is under that ___ sized hat!
Bullshit! Why would I pretend to be a ___? Just to get laid? That's not me.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Why are you picking on me, ___? Afraid I'll reveal your little secret?
Whoa! I thought I was just bullshitting you guys!
What made me think that I could get away with such a plot?
How does the golden rule apply in such a situation?
Whichever road I take, I will only encourage someone’s wrath!
‘Til now I’ve always traveled down the straight and narrow path.
But which way do I turn when the road’s become so... so... twisted?
You think you know me, as others think they know you, but there are two sides to every story.
I was prepared for anything, except for what ensued.
They weren't ready for my ideas.
Fortune favors the beautiful.
My only crime was love.
But the heart wants what it wants, and sometimes what it wants, is twisted.
I only wished to reclaim what was mine!
I only wished for equal rights for all!
I only wished to save her/him/them!
I only wished to be invited to the party!
I only wished to improve relations between the races!
I only wished to teach ___ responsibility… so he/she/they wouldn’t end up like me!
I only wished to give the people a voice… To help the miserable, lonely, and depressed!
I never knew my father!
It's an unfortunate situation…But you do have a choice.
What remains of a man when that man is dead and gone?
Why protect my reputation? I’m a dead man/woman/person either way!
How will they tell my story? How will they tell my tale? Will anybody even care?
Is it nobler in the mind to be well-liked but ineffectual, or moral but maligned?
If I hide to save my life, what has my life been for?
The road ahead may twist, but I will never swerve!
I’ll give them all the unsung antihero they deserve!
I’ve nothing left to lose, to the only path to choose is twisted.
So let them twist my words, let the people scorn me.
Who cares if no one will ever mourn me?
Let them bury the side of the story that they’ll never learn!
Let the truth be twisted!
Let my life be twisted!
I’ll be twisted, it’s my turn!
Your armies have abandoned you. Your ruling class is corrupt and we have come to put an end to your tyrannical rule!
You'll never end our tyrannical rule!
It is I who will be doing the fucking today.
It appears that ___ has cold feet!
Yes I am talking to you! Now get your ass over here!
I've got to become a sorcerer! Can you do that?
Yes, I do feel lucky. I've got a ___! But I think he might be a fucking moron!
My fuse is about this long right now.
You either need to back me the fuck up, or shut the fuck up. Got it?
And what's the last thing you wanna do before that happens? Take off your clothes. That's right, have sex! Hurry, take off your clothes.
I'm not going to take off my clothes in the middle of a battle!
My skin is melting!
Would you stop acting like an asshole for one minute?
I'm not a tease. I'm just…not a freak.
You're making sex seem gross and lame.
You got that, ___? We are not a thing anymore, okay?
We're just having our first fight. Maybe after some make up sex…
You're the guy who killed my parents. Where have you been?
Okay, Jesus Christ, I don't know what's going on here.
That's the trick! You just really have to believe your own bullshit!
It takes someone who believes they can change the world to actually do it.
This isn't fair! Life is supposed to be fair!
Your youth and your passion, and yes, your naïveté -- these give you power.
When I was your age, I thought I could accomplish anything I ever wanted and more! But I didn't. Perhaps no one does. But you have to think you will or you won't have the strength to try.
Maybe you won't make any big changes, but a few little ones that pave the way for the next generation. And then they'll make small changes and leave it to the next and the next! It's a bit like a carousel of progress. Always spinning towards a great, big, beautiful tomorrow. And tomorrow is just a dream away.
But what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow always comes. Even if it comes without us.
What will I do without you to guide me? When I am lost, where will I turn?
You remind me of someone I knew long ago.
You’re the one who put it there -- the power in me.
The power to love one another is the greatest power of all.
No matter where life leads us, we’ll never be apart.
Through thick and thin, success or ruin, I’ll carry you in my heart.
I will treasure forever what the world will never see.
You are kind, and that’s enough.
I wish you didn’t have to go when our story’s just begun.
Then I wish you every happiness.
It was more money than I had ever seen. But I was able to count it.
And that's the end of the true story.