raw honey.

Poetry| Spoken Word| the occasional rant| submissions welcomed| I honestly don't know, I might have something to say

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

Dare of loving

I am so happy

No in fact I fear I am too happy

I love you to no end

Yet I'm still anticipating a simple text goodbye by press of a send

See I look at myself in the mirror

And for the first time smile

But once I stare for a while

I question do I dare

Is it a possible illusion

Maybe they don't really care

See after all the baggage and trauma

And all the rape and the drama

After all the tears and abuse

And always feeling used

Do I still dare love

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

Pleading to misogyny

Don't take me to the pool

Feelings that you can undress

Bare me to the sight

Have me exposed and open

Like the open sky

Don't take me to the pool

To melt my art and my expenses

Have me dripping glitter and gold

It makes you feel so bold

Shivering and shaking

The waters slash softer than your touch

Don't take me to the pool

Have me water proofing my life

Having dyed tears

Making it feel like your preview

Don't take me to the pool

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

Internalized Screaming

I sit beside him, I watch

I lean against him, I listen

I smile

I nod

I sometimes suffer in silence 

Que in the Music 

This is usually when I tend to sob 

So much spins around upstairs 

I think i end up just looking up at him

giving back just a blank stare.

I wonder if he know I’m internalizing screams

screaming to the top of my lungs 

i think i’ll keep waking up making this a universal scheme 

I know he thinks this silly

“I’m with you for a reason” 

spontaneous plans and trips to philly 

“i don’t do this for everyone” 

and when I look at him i knows he could be the one

but a quiet whispers comes to my ears

“are you sure hes true to you 

are you sure you’re not enough or too much,

maybe he’s too good for you?”

Then the panic sets in

“fuck,” i sigh, “maybe this is too good to be true”

Internalizing screams

Only letting out moans it seems 

He reassures me and tell me to breathe

But how can I when time after rolling each dime

The clock ticked as i wiped a tear telling myself i’ll be fine.

When I’ve been a trophy and forgotten baggage 

i don’t know how I’ve managed

I guess 

Internalized Screaming

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

My fantasy

I think about this a lot; what would I classify as my biggest fantasy. Would it be something about love, I always expect myself to leap to it, or would it be career oriented with numerous diplomas hanging on my wall? When I ask myself this question late at night, "what is my greatest fantasy", what do I want my answer to be? So I close my eyes, squishing down hard as if holding my eyelids down any tighter would help me find my answer, and ransack my brain for the drop of happiness. When I close my eyes and want to drift off to a possible future, what do I want to see? I would give a simple answer that holds everything; I could say I just want to fantasize about happiness, but now that answer holds no merit for me. So now I sit here late at night, eyes closed shut still searching for my greatest fantasy.

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

What I remember

Dear Flaky, I wish when I think of you it would be indifferent and emotionless, but it’s not. Do you remember the first night we spent together? I don’t. What I do remember is the first morning I woke up to you. I remember seeing you beside me and smiling. I remember realizing we were still completely clothed and silently thanking you. Thinking I found a person that could respect me. I smiled so much that day, do you remember? People told me I looked happy, and honestly I was. See, at that moment I saw you in such an intriguing light. When I woke up and saw you it took all my will power not to reach over and stroke your beard. I was always so curious of how it’d feel to run my fingers through it. I remember that funny morning. I could have laid there forever and been satisfied just enjoying the soft gentle expression on your face. It felt like such a rare moment. After so long of having my guard up and trying to be distant it felt nice that I didn’t have to for that small moment. I remember wanting to curl up closer to you. Wanting to lay on your chest and fall back asleep to your heartbeat. Wanting to be as soft and affectionate as I really am. But then I said “wait”, “I want this time to be right, if this is going to be anything, I want to do this the slow steady way.” Funny isn’t it? And during this internal battle of fighting what I wanted I was happy just laying by your side. Knowing there was a safeness there. It was simple and peaceful. Nothing was done, I didn’t question your intentions back then, I didn’t feel regretful, there was only bliss. And I smiled again. It was so long that I feel what “nice” was. You were so good to me in the beginning. You only made me smile. Remember that? You made me nervous. See I never told you but you made the butterflies flutter again after so long. I forgot how I act. I didn’t tell you that half the time I gave you side eyes it followed with a smile when you looked away. What can I say, I thought I finally met a sweet boy. What a sweet thing I painted you as. I was so excited when you finally looked my way. I want to tell you those sweet moments we shared, I meant them. All of them. The way I let you hold me, the tightness you felt my hands got around your face when we kissed, every time I silently twirled your chest hair in between my fingers, those playful tugs I gave your beard…every little ounce of affection I showed you, all of that was truly me. I never told you that, I wanted you to see it, I wanted you to see it in hopes you’d value it and continue to be good and gentle to me. But you weren’t, were you. You stopped being sweet. You stopped making me smile. You stopped being gentle. I wanted the boy that hugged me while we were laying naked in bed after we finally shared our bodies. I wanted the boy that stole a kiss from me the way I fantasized about so many times late at night. I wanted to always feel the rush I felt when you pulled me closer that afternoon I visited you at work. But you weren’t that sweet anymore. It was rocky from the start but I wanted us to be the simplicity and sweetness I thought we both craved. I know how this sounds. Crazy huh? I should calm down and control myself, shouldn’t I? I remember how much it stung when you told me that. I remember how much it made me cry and how embarrassed I was to admit how sensitive I was about it and about you. You were so mean at the end. Purposely cruel. Purposely Flaky. Testing the waters, as you like to say. I don’t know why you did it. I know I never will. And you left so quickly. You did it so boldly and carelessly. You made sure I knew you didn’t care. You, you, you. Seems like I’m pointing fingers doesn’t it? I am. But I’ll point back those fingers towards myself. I want you to know I wanted to be there. I wanted to take it slow and steady. I wanted what we had in the beginning. I wanted to be good to you and make you smile. I wanted to help you grow and care. I wanted only good things for you but you were so bad to me. I wanted you to know that those are the reason why I was so mad at you. These are the reasons why I questioned you so much and why I couldn’t look at you when you came unexpectedly to work that day. Those were the reasons behind my intense reaction and continuous trying. I wanted to help and all you wanted was to use and hurt me. I want you to know all of this. I really do. Flaky, trust me I know now you didn't care I really do, but all the same I still want you to know. I just wanted us to be positive. I truly did. I just wanted you to know, maybe in the hope you don’t do the same to the next girl you’re sharing your bed and attention with.

Sincerely, Your itch

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

My last sad piece

I’ve contemplated on how to end this. I believe we are a book full of short stories. Some funny, some sad, and a couple kick-you-right-in-your-fun-parts painful. What ever this chapter has been, it has felt like all of the above. Therefore I continue with this little introduction. My previous story is at its end. I’ve reached a mental state where I now feel genuinely growing and slowly blossoming without fear. I have come to a state where I truly believe I want to live and experience life little by little. Therefore, I continuously stride to embody only positivity and true thoughts of peace and kindness; not for others but for myself. But before I move on to my next chapter, my next short stories, I feel the need to tip my hat and acknowledge this closing one. It started with a boy and a feeling. I wrote of sadness and pain. I embraced sorrow and longing. It started with a boy and a painful letter I knew he was never going to read. I only found it suiting to end it the same. This last painful piece of writing filled with true selfish underlining emotions is dedicated to a boy who through his lack of empathy made me realize mine. I hope you enjoy the next piece lovelies, it has been a painful and beautiful journey to spill my broken heart out so openly with you. I’m happy to say it is now filled with self love and awareness, and my pieces will now reflect the same.

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

That itch

I was that itch You could never scratch That porcelain doll Twirling away as your fingers reached I spun for you But dancing wasn’t enough for you Had to use me Throw around and abuse me Have me here thinking I’m always losing My mind, I’m always sporadic But when it came to you and I I felt like I was always in a panic But listen here all I’m saying You say I talk shit But you’re the one here always playing Like a used tissue Clearing some of your issues I was that itch You finally scratched I wonder if this was your plan And I was just your latest catch I knew it was fast Now before I imagined a future I’m part of your past Now the words lay down for me Unlocking my mind Just like my door when I gave you that key Wish I would have known better But for a second I hoped you were my shelter I was that itch The itch you finally scratched Sometimes I get caught up Wishing my heart line went flat

[extrasad]

You can’t change the past And I can’t make my dad call me back And you’ll only be drunk, stumbling around New York City with weed stuck under your nails once Even if it happens again, it won’t happen in the same way And I grew up in a small town, not small enough to see the stars, But small enough for the cracks in our hearts to seem like the biggest thing around And believe me Promises are like peach flavored smoke from his dry lips They hit you in the face and dance around the room, twirling like you did in ballet class And then they disappear And you don’t photograph as nicely as you did when you were 15, Hair out of your freckled face And peach smoke makes you cough And weed tastes like the back of a cop car till you call your mom And you can’t go back And all you’ll have are the polaroids But color fades all the time, things spill, memories stain, small towns get too small, and heart cracks get way too big And you’ll only be 18 once

Believe me (via extrasad)

I wish I could have told myself this

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

You

They say love is blind

they don’t say it’s the cruelest of times

and now i sit here and sigh 

Questioning

where you ever mine

Now i know i’m speaking out of turn

this all must sound crazy you must be concerned 

but is it really so sad to say 

i smiled about you every day 

now listen most of this is for show

sprinkle a little rhythm make it a little charismatic

you know make it sound "dope"

But eventually I lost hope

 but know when i say 

if it wasn’t for those no shows and lonely days

we could have been something blissful 

And

that’s all i’m going to say

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

Sweetie of yours

Docile and blind

sip me like a fine glass of wine

my taste blinds

our addiction was time 

lack of and more of 

had me radiating like the sun 

your sweetie your baby

your honey 

docile and blind

control yourself

calm down and relax

that sweetie of mine

stay docile and blind

i was your sweetie for a limited time 

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

My coffee addict

a sip of that familiar liquid and you disappear into bliss. forget all sense of inhibition and stay in your tranquility, your temporary death.A true coffee addict. you need your fix more than you needed my love or devotion, your holy alter was the pot containing that liquid. Slowly and desperately you wait for the final pipping hot drop to fall into your cup. the coffee, the coffee, the coffee. thoughts of you and I descend into your mind but nothing hides or blinds the need for that fix of your coffee time. my coffee addict, an addiction that will never let you be mine.

[roserosette]

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

awakening

we say we want change

for the people by the people

there’s no question everything should be humane

but with hatred flying like bullets

and love disappearing like our patience

i’m left feeling unsafe, insane 

i am left with sadness and doubt  

always searching for a way out 

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

Fade

Every time you say it

It’s like cursing my name

You loved me when I wasn’t sane

Pulling me

Tugging on my brain

Cursing your name

I love your taste

It’s the type of drug that can’t fade

Your usage of words

Hit me harder than your whips and chains

Has me spinning

Makes me want to play games

These thoughts have me feeling insane

All this love has me feeling all your pain

It’s no good

I don’t know if you need to be tamed

I didn’t want to leave this way

But no matter what you do

My mind twisted

Making me feel like I’m loosing there has to be some sign

Nothing more on my brain

Than the love that you give in your own way

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

Late night death

Got that light up

From an old flame

At the time

My mind was chaotic

I felt myself going insane

I let the waves

Wash over me

Like the wind

Running through a garden

Shallow breath eyes wind open

Chasing this feeling in my dream

Eyes wide with wonder

I let that breath go and let my fingers flow

Open wide in curiosity

Can’t help but feel

I’m wasting time

Contemplating promise after promise

Said I’d never go

But here I am losing control

Feeling those fantasies build up

Reminiscing

Finally turning that light off

Realizing it all feels good

Realizing it’s all as it should

Turn my back

Looking up

Blow out built up smoke and mirrors

Letting the night wash over me

Like the late night ocean sky

[imighthavesomethingtosay]

Things you never told me

I could never figure out

If you cared

If you loved

If you were craving someone else

You never told me

That you would fight for me

I wanted you to tell me not to go

I needed you but

You never told me

You needed me

I was broken

You never told me you could be my shoulder to cry on

You never told me anything

Not how you felt

Not how little you cared

Not why your eyes dulled when you saw me

Not how times you couldn’t even look at my face

You never told me

I needed you to tell me

Tell me anything

I was shouting in my head

Desperate

Fragile

I needed the compassion of a man

Needing a heart  to share when mine was in pieces

But

You never told me

You never told me

You never told me…