I'm Internetting!

A curated collection of oddities from the wild outposts of the internet, brought to you by comedian, Anthony Hudacs

[iminternetting-blog]

5 ALTERNATIVES TO THE PRO BOWL

It’s offical, the Pre-Super Bowl hand job known as the Pro Bowl, hit its lowest ratings in 10 years.  Roughly the same amount of people who watched the weeks re-run of The Big Bang theory saw Team Irvin crush Team Rice 49-27. It’s not that we shouldn’t honor the best in the game, but we have to face reality, the NFL is a dangerous sport. Each play carries a large risk of a career ending injury. Even played at half speed the amount of bodies falling on top of each other makes it riskier than a Tom Cruise stunt in a Mission Impossible film. Why take a chance with your career when there is no starting or even a chance of stopping the Syndicate? Thus, the players aren’t invested, and if they’re not, we’re not.

Thus the question: How do you honor the best in the game and put on an entertaining show? Here are 5 suggestions that is sure to make it a real Pro Bowl a ratings juggernaut.

TALENT SHOW / CIRCUS OF THE STARS - What if when you get voted to the Pro Bowl you are paired with a circus master and we do a show ala Circus of the Stars. Would you rather watch Adrian Peterson bust through a line of people half heartedly trying to tackle him OR watch him train a lion! Anyone can whip a boy, but can he whip a lion into shape?!?

AMERICAN GLADIATORS - Defense, you’re the gladiators. Offense, you run the course. Let’s celebrate pro athletes by shooting them with tennis balls. If not this then can we at least try a Legends Of The Hidden Temple tournament?

PRO BOWL: THE MUSICAL - It’s hard to deny that all the buzz on social media Monday was not about Team Irvin crushing Team Rice, but it’s about Grease: The Musical. Obviously there is an appetite for it so I say let’s do a Pro Bowl Musical. You have some of the most gifted athletes in the world they could learn choreography in a short amount of time. Instead of lame turnovers let’s see some ball changes, instead of pulling guards let’s see some heel pulls and let’s ditch the time outs in favor of time steps. The bonus is it can include the NFL’s newest employees, the cheerleaders. There are all pros in cheering too.

PAINTBALL - Despite the recent  scandal of the State Department paying for Armed Forces tributes from the NFL it remains a fact that so many of the players and fans support the military. Here is a chance for the boys to dress up in military garb and shoot, rather than hit, each other. Plus who wouldn’t want to see Odell Beckham Jr. get Eli Manning in his crosshairs only to collapse, Point Break style, scream, and fire his clip into the air knowing he could never shoot his friend. Last man standing is the MVP.

THERAPY SESSIONS - During the Olympics, when tens of people watch sports they have never paid attention to before (I’m looking at you water polo) they’re made to care about the drama on the field by showing the drama of athlete's life. Seriously, I knew I would never be an Olympian when I realized you had to lose a parent, suffer a crippling injuries, or be raised by pigmy goats. My biggest obstacle was I had to learn saxophone instead of guitar. Every try wooing ladies at a party with you version of Wonderwall on the sax? However, this is the NFL, we know these players stories inside and out be it Incognito and his bully or JJ Watt and his cabin in the woods. We need to go deeper. How much more drama would it add to each game if we are wondering if Tom Brady’s daddy issues will cause him to miss an audible opportunity for a play Belichick called? Or if Eric Berry’s fear of horses will spring up during a Colts game. You’re welcome NFL. Got any other problems you need solved?

[iminternetting-blog]

There are few things more satisfying then finally vanquishing those who impede your progress in life. However, it has fallen out of vogue to pursue the destruction of another, who has wronged you, as a final confection to the buffet of your life's goals. Some individuals, in this everyone-gets-a-trophy society, think enterprise of having an enemy distracts and expends mountains of energy unnecessarily. These people have no real enemies and are worse for it.

Why worry about everyone liking you when you know, for a fact, there is someone out there plotting your destruction? How can you push yourself harder than you could possibly imagine without, not just the specter, but the empirical knowledge, that failure or inaction will result in humiliation by the hand of one you hate more than anything God has created? To have an enemy is a gift and to be the enemy of another is truly a gift to them too.

My enemy is a man by the name of Nicholas Engle and I his. I have both physical and emotional scars from our battles, but without him I would not have a blog with NEARLY 50 followers, and without me he would have all 10 fingers.

If you don't have an enemy, send them this stuff, and declare your intentions. If you do have a enemy, here's a good way to wake them up on a Tuesday.

[iminternetting-blog]

RUNPEE IS THE BEST APP SINCE SLICED BREAD

I don't often describe something as the greatest thing since sliced bread, but that's mainly because I don't think sliced bread is all that great.

Seriously.

Take your bare hands a rip apart a loaf of bread sometime, then jam some meat stuffs in there, and eat it. That's how the Earl of Sandwich would have done it, no damn slicing involved. He saved his slicing for his role as Goddamn Lord High Admiral of England, Ferocious Fighter at the Battle of Lowestoff, AND Mother Fucking Master of the Great Wardrobe! All of which he must have been terrible at because he's only remembered for liking his meat thrust betwixt ends of bread.

The dude never even realized the joy of condiments. That being said, RunPee is an app that let's you know when it's safe to go to the bathroom or the concession stand when you're at the movies. Before this revolutionary app, the only way to do this was to ask your friend Brian to tell you what happened, but he never remembers anyone's name so it turns into a game of verbal charades.

"You know the girl with the boobs from the coffee shop? Turns out the guy with the weird teeth was working with her to set up the dude with the weird hairline."

Shit like that is why I stopped going to the movies with Brian. He also slept with my sister and never called her back. He also killed my goldfish, when I was on vacation because he never fed it. He's also a young Earth Creationist and still blames the Jews for Jesus' death.

[iminternetting-blog]

C-MURDER DIDN'T MURDER HIS "FAN"

I was reading Ranker's "45 Celebrities Who Have Killed People" and I came across the case of "C-Murder." Here's what Ranker said:

Rapper C-Murder - born Corey Miller and brother of Percy "Master P" Miller, uncle of Lil' Romeo, and cousin of producer Mo B. Dick - is currently serving a life sentence for murder. He was convicted of second degree murder following the 2002 beating and shooting of a 16 year-old fan, Steve Thomas, at a Louisiana nightclub.

First of all, if you need to be identified by three of your more famous relatives, you're not a celebrity. However, since Ranker locked themselves in to 45, I guess C-Murder gets passed the velvet rope. Honestly, I assume the writer pitched 50 Celeb murderers, but dropped the last 5 once they exhausted the "bit actor" ranking. The last 5 would have turned the list from "celebrities" to "people you may have seen on TV, including infomercials and Cialis ads"

However, my biggest beef with this article is referring to the victim as "a 16 year-old fan." A FAN?!? I'm gonna assume that as he was being beaten and shot he decided C-Murder's music wasn't his favorite anymore. I'm gonna take it on faith that the last thoughts going through Thomas' 16 year-old brain weren't "SH*T! I'll never hear another C-Murder song again," I'll bet angel's had to drag him up to heaven while he screamed "Let me haunt that motherf*cker! I wanna Paranormal Activity the SH*T outta him!"

[iminternetting-blog]

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, SIGN!

This sign should read "STOP Dreaming. Wake Up! You're Driving A Car!"

[iminternetting-blog]

That Eric Alpher has posted a version of Smells Like Teen Spirit with the vocals isolated. The craziest thing about listening to this is how melodic and haunting it is. First time I heard Teen Spirit in the 90's I would have sworn he spit blood and swigged fire to cauterize his throat.

Oh, Butch Vig, you fool me every time.

[iminternetting-blog]

Jenna Jameson Shyamalans The Traditional Porn Opening

Jenna Jameson allegedly broke into someone's home on Orange County and assaulted them. That had to confuse the crap out of the assaulted  because normally, when Ms. Jameson show's up unannounced hand jobs aren't far behind, but this time the whacking was on not off.

She was put under citizen's arrest, then, actual arrest, so things are probably getting hot and heavy behind bars right now if the documentary, Sexy Girls In The Slammer, is correct. Also, that prison overcrowding means something different during the final orgy scene.

[iminternetting-blog]

This Is Why Your Grandma Can Kick Your Ass

If you ever wonder why your grandparents are tougher than petrified leather, it's stuff like this. The baby cage (patented in 1922) was meant to give kids a taste of fresh-air while turning their balls into iron. I'm sure this was also used, during the depression, to lure birds of prey within easy shooting distance. If you couldn't afford a turkey for Thanksgiving, no problem! Simply put a child in the window and when a peregrine falcon dives in to take it away, yell 'duck' and fire away with your standard bird shot. By the time the kid was 1, they'd just give them the gun and say 'Don't let mama go hungry. Good luck.'

[iminternetting-blog]

Canada Doesn't Think Anywhere In The US Should Be Avoided

Canada's Department of Foreign Affairs just released a map of safe to travel destinations for Canadians. I'm not sure what their criteria is because they seem to think it's safe to travel to Antarctica, which doesn't seem safe at all. It can get so cold you could freeze to death in seconds, so if something goes wrong I assume it can get Lord Of The Flies pretty quick. I'd bet dollars to donuts if the power goes out in a building near the South Pole you'd be gutted and worn like a Ton-Ton before you could say "I thought you were a scientist, dammit!" They don't even say there are places you should avoid! However, that doesn't mean much since they claim The United States has no places you should avoid, which seems a bit odd since there are a lot of places in the US I avoid and I live here. Also, way to make the rest of Africa look bad Botswana. You jerk. No places to avoid in Botswana, not even those places where lions look at you like lunch. And while we're on the subject, what places in Japan are you supposed to avoid? And saying there are some places in Russia to avoid is a pretty vague assessment. They're like a quarter of the world, I'm sure there are a lot of places to avoid, like those islands in the Arctic Circle for much the same reason as I mentioned for Antarctica.

[iminternetting-blog]

"Model buffet"

Kirstie Clements, former Australian Vogue editor, has written a tell all book, and apparently the only interesting thing she's telling all about is that models eat tissues to stay thin. Apparently, they aren't stuffing their bras, they're just hording snacks.

Once you start eating tissues to feel full I feel like you shout look at your life and start thinking about making other choices. It's like the hoarder who thinks just because they have maggots under their boxes there's no reason to stop "collecting."

To be honest it's strange to me that people would think it's not super humanly hard to be a model. I get that it messes with the "I hate super models because they just have to look pretty set." Honestly, if there is millions of dollars on the table do you really think you can just waltz into it, by luck. Yeah, maybe there shouldn't be a culture that thinks dancing skeletons are sexy, but hating people who make it to the top of that world is silly. 

[iminternetting-blog]

BRUTUS STABBED CAESAR IN THE DICK!

"Not in the dick, Brutus! Not. In. The. Dick."

I learned about Marcus Brutus' involvement in the plot to kill Julius Caesar through the play by William Shakespeare, which depicts Brutus reluctantly stabbing Caesar in the back. However, like most Hollywood films based on historical events, Titanic, Pearl Harbor, Goonies,etc. there are often a lot of liberties taken to make the events seem more epic or less brutal. So it is with Caesar. Turns out when Brutus approached Caesar and Caesar uttered those famous words "E tu Brute" or something similar like "you too my child" (loooong story short, Brutus may have been the big C's bastard son) Brutus responded by stabbing him in the dick. Yep, "E tu Brute? Ow! My dick!" is his actual last words. I can understand why this is not explained in school. Before you could say "atomic wedgie" boys would be running around playing Brutus and Caesar, which would be a game where one kid "Caesar" would be in the middle of a circle of 30 kids and one gets to punch him in the nuts.This is also changed in the play because, if not, Marc Antony's famous speech would have been reduced to him repeating over and over again. "Brutus. Stabbed. Him. In. The, Dick. He may have been a bad guy, but the DICK? Too far. Too far."

[iminternetting-blog]

FREDDIE MERCURY IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!

"Are you sure no one will recognize me, Freddy?"

I want you to take a moment and imagine you are at a party. You are at a party with one of the most recognized leaders of your country and your plan is to take her to a gay bar.

The Sun is reporting Cleo Rocos's new book, The Power of Positive Drinking, contains a scene where Freddie Mercury does just this with Princess Diana.

So like a crazy sitcom, they dress her up in army fatigues an head to the bar, where she met and fell in love with Prince Charles. That last part might be a lie. 

Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4867631/queens-freddie-mercury-smuggled-princess-diana-into-gay-bar.html#ixzz2PCHEBKqV

[iminternetting-blog]

Escaped Killer Dolphin Crisis Day 2: These Dolphins Can Rape

Mason Cromwell Jr. writes for Ask Men Answers and he has a fascinating article today about dolphin’s rapey tendencies and how to fight them off. By far the scariest part of the article is as follows:

Dolphins have strong, flexible penises capable of grabbing you. That’s right. Dolphin penises, which can reach lengths of 14 inches, are capable of grabbing you by the arm and pulling you underwater. In fact, some dolphins are known to drag humans down to underwater rape caves where they can have some privacy. Scuba divers have reported finding bodies in these caves that show evidence of penetration and dolphin bite marks.

It’s the grabby penis that really gets me. —Yeah puns!— Imagine frolicking in the ocean and getting seized by a dolphin who can use his penis like Indiana Jones uses a whip. I’m mean it’s really impressive, but knowing there is rape coming will defiantly taint your view of the evolutionary miracle. Beside “rape cave” on the fast track to be the name of a Slipknot cover band, it’s also worrisome because it hints at the existence of serial dolphin rapist. That means lurking in the depths of the ocean is the craziest dolphin rapist in a cave that, not only has raped humans, but all manner of raped animal from sharks to sea turtles. I imagine wandering into this cave while scuba diving would be a terrifying venture. First, you would notice the dead menagerie. Next, the “hey, it looks like something raped these animals.” Then you’d slowly turn to see the dolphin, holding a moonshine jar with three x’s on it smiling at you. Then Gary, on the surface boat, puts it all together and the radio in your ear crackles, “Get out of there, Mac. You’re in a rape cave!” Too little, too late.

Anyway, I’m not saying these elite trained, escaped, killer dolphins are rapists, but they MAY BE SETTING UP THEIR RAPE CAVE AS YOU READ THIS! And looking for a knife to attach to their face. Long story short, I’m not going into the Black Sea anytime soon.

In other news Mason Cromwell has a couple other interesting articles you might like:

5 Bands To See Live In LA

5 Best Concert Venues in North America

How To Pick Up Forgein Women

[iminternetting-blog]

AMERICANS HAVE ALMOST EATEN THEMSELVES OUT OF BIRDS

So Yahoo News has this video up today supposedly a North Korean propaganda video, but they seem to have no origin, nor know if the translation is correct. But, we started the day with dubiously true news, so let's end it that way. First of all I would love to be a fly on the writer's room walls pitching ideas for this piece. "Oh! Let's say these people are drinking snow next to the dead friends in blue bodybags!" "Crap we said they ate all the birds, but there are birds in that shot? I know, let's tell them the birds will be eaten Tuesday." "I wonder if the birds are any good." "Dude, put in there that the birds are tasty, that'll make the camera crew seem adventurous!" However, putting on the serious hat for a second, if this is really what the North Korean people know of America, then why shouldn't they believe it? Why shouldn't they take pity on us? Why shouldn't they think of us as a backward people who just want to kill each other with our guns and eat snow? They've never been here and they may have no reason to believe their government is lying any more than we think ours is? Anyway, I gotta jet my friend is beginning to smell and those tree birds aren't going to kill themselves in my boiling snow.

[iminternetting-blog]

THE BEER ARMCHAIR

Foodbeast has an article about an armchair that will fill your beer while you sit. It's guaranteed to get rid of your embarrassing stumble to the kitchen to get another beer in the 4th quarter, so now your friends can hear your Madden-esque, Joe Buck or Steve Smith inspired in depth ramblings of the game nonstop, instead of sneaking out. This feels geared toward college students who'll go on about how that's "totally what I'd get if I won the lottery" and people who want their living room to smell like beer. If you're too lazy to get up and get a beer this chair will do nothing for you except take up the room currently occupied by your mini fridge/end table. The people who will like this the most are women of alcoholic husbands since the more time their AAphobic men sit in the chair,  the easier it will be to outrun them; now that his only exercise is gone.

[iminternetting-blog]

KILLER DOLPHINS ON THE LOOSE

There is a story that has been picked up by various news outlets that a pair of dolphins have escaped their handlers and are loose somewhere in the Black Sea. Oh, and they're trained killers from the Ukraine Defense Ministry. The story goes, they're normally used to detect sea mines, but could kill enemy divers if they strap a knife or gun to their head. Killer Knife-Faced Dolphins! It doesn't matter if this story is true or not, because the image of two rouge killer dolphins is so awesome the Miami football team has already changed their logo to a dolphin with a knife on it's face. Development execs across LA are already taking meetings and deciding whether it will be live action or animated. The people at Marvel are working on a toy/comic line and seeing if they can lease Selena Gomez to voice the sassy one who planned the escape. I think Quentin Tarantino should write the movie. Kill BIll in the ocean. With a lot of dolphins stabbing people in the face. It would be call "Majestic Beasts" and they would use the N-word a lot.

[iminternetting-blog]

BOB HOPE'S HOME FOR SALE

The Daily Mail Online has an article out about Bob Hope's $50 million house for sale. It's a steal since you'd be a quick drive to the Coachella festival, Basically, after you see Wu-Tang rapping with hologram of ODB (please let this happen!) you can invite the drunkest, cutest, friends you can find to come stay at your place. ignoring the obvious, that if you could afford a $50 Million mansion you would probably be the person who invented the hologram not the person reading this drunken ramblings. It would be awesome to get a bunch of people in on this and scoop it up for a giant crash pad. If 50 people give a million dollars we're there. 100 only have to give half that. BUT! if we get only 1/8 of the US to donate a dollar, boom, game over. This place is really very cool. I know there is a story out there that the architect and Bob (I hope I can call him Bob, now that he's dead) didn't get along because Bob (a fan of architecture in his own right) kept butting in when the architect, John Lautner was designing. Anyway, the result is awesome and the rest is history.