kara

fake it until you make it

[imkhara]

I like it but I don't wanna have it

[imkhara]

Nasa point na ako na falling in love scares me. Na lahat nalang na dumarating sa buhay ko ay pinagdududahan ko. Yung tipong, isang maling galaw mo, ayoko na in order to save myself from further pain. Nakakatakot kasi ang hirap hirap bumangon galing sa matinding sakit, betrayal at pagsisisi.

[imkhara]

should i try dating now?

[imkhara]

Im back!

[imkhara]

I am starting to lose my way. Can somebody help me, I'm scared.

[imkhara]

Time will come that I will be able to freely say that I love you.

[imkhara]

I can’t accept the truth that I like you. I just can’t. It only means that I lose in this game I started.

[imkhara]

I am in a better place now and it scares me. I am scared that this won’t last long. It terrifies me to go back to the place where everything feels empty. I don’t want to go back to what I used to.

[imkhara]

I have heard this somewhere and it says that loyalty has an expiration date. The problem is if when you are the nice person, your loyalty lasts far longer than the other.

[imkhara]

May mali ata sakin. Why do people keep on leaving me? Why do they keep seeing the negative things in me? Masarap ata akong saktan, nakakatuwa siguro. It didn’t show how it affects me kasi hindi naman bago yun sakin pero masakit pa rin. Nakakatawa, kasi habang nakikita nila yung mga kapintasan ko ay nakikita ko naman yungmga magaganda nilang katangian.

[imkhara]

Dadating pala talaga yung araw na magsasawa sila. Hindi man nila sinasabi pero ramdam mo. No fights, no confrontations, hanggang sa unti-unti na silang lumalayo at magugulat ka nalang ...wala na. May nagtapos, lumisan na at naiwan ka.

[imkhara]

Napapagod na ako. Drain na ako emotionally, mentally and physically. Ayoko nang kumilos, ayoko nang mag-isip at gusto ko nalang maging manhid but I can’t. May mga pangarap ako para sa sarili ko at para sa pamilya ko. Kahit ilang pawis at luha pa ang ilabas ko, hindi pwedeng maging mahina ako at magpa-apekto sa pagod at sa kung anong ipinagsasabi ng ibang tao. I don’t have time to slack off and relax kasi future ko nakasalalay dito. 

[imkhara]

Finally, I was happy. I got excited to wake up without overthinking. The smile on my face was genuine. I felt alive. But how come that in just a blink of an eye, it started to fade until it was all gone? How can something great can be easily taken away?

It was like dying again but this time, the pain was unbearable.

[imkhara]

Hindi naman porket dahil nasanay ako ay hindi na masakit. 

[imkhara]

Trust? You don’t trust that someone’s never going to betray you. You just trust that you’ll be able to handle it if they do.

[imkhara]

I thought that this pain is just all made up by my brain but then I found myself crying, and then I realized that what I’m feeling is real because how can’t it be when the pain is breaking me into pieces.  

[imkhara]

Everything around me seems fine, there is peace and hope. However, why do I feel empty? Everything is right but feels so wrong. I could smile but I couldn’t manage to feel the joy and the contentment. The sun shines so bright that gives enough warmth but deep down in me is snowing, it’s cold and lonely. It’s like every day is a torture and every night is a nightmare. 

I have read so many books and watched so many movies in order for me to feel something extraordinary but then, all of it don’t last. After the temporary escape, I would face the same nightmare all over again. The torture and nightmare of being lonely.

They say that being lonely is a choice and that I could be happy if I want to. But perhaps, it doesn’t apply to everyone. For the years that I have been existing, I chose not to be lonely, I keep wanting to be happy but I didn’t succeed, I can’t.

This is depression, the chain I could not escape.