I'm Marisa and I like penguins. @imnothisdate-candle - Tumblr Blog

… Idk what to say. This speak a lot louder then I could.

But then anxiety takes over and wins, as it does somehow in one way or another. I wonder how someone with a good head on their shoulders would want to be around me. I get paranoid and ask him if he's sure he wants to be with me. I ask him if I annoy him. I ask him if there's somewhere he needs to be. I ask him if he wants to go home. I ask him if he wants to go somewhere else. Then later I freak out because I asked him too many questions and know that he won't want to be around me if I can't be confident. Sometimes I don't want him to look at me even though he kisses and touches me everywhere so I quickly lay down and turn the lights off when he says he likes them on, sometimes I have to wait until he leaves the room to get changed, or I keep the blankets up to my chin. When he mentions another girl I immediately think he likes her and wonder why he talks to me instead even though he told me he's not talking to anyone else and doesn't want to. When he holds me tight I look at him and wonder if he likes me. When he tells me he enjoys spending time with me I wonder if he really does like me. When he is busy and can't see me I am thoroughly convinced he is casual about me and just likes having sex, even though he is 26 and the only two other people he's slept with were serious girlfriends, I still convince myself it has been a long time since he's slept with anyone and we were both drunk when we first said we liked each other so it's possible that he does just like having sex. I wonder if he thinks I'm pretty. I wonder why he doesn't invite me to hang out with his friends even though I don't invite him to hang out with mine. I worry if his best friend likes me and worry that he doesn't talk about me to him. I think he doesn't like me because he rarely asks me to do things even though he told me to come to him. I feel like I bother him when I text him and he doesn't reply for longer than 15 minutes. I'm just waiting for when he's ready for a serious relationship and tells me goodbye. Because someone so perfect deserves a love that is easy, and I am far from making his life easy.

#anxiety is a killer #obsessive thoughts always win #love is hard #life is hard #loving with mental health problems

One morning on the way to work I sang in the car, I sang the whole way. I didn’t know I was doing it until I stopped at a light before pulling into my work plaza and looked around, realizing what had happened. I do not sing. I will sing maybe a verse or two when I am very sad or stressed but never a whole song. I then realize I felt light, probably as much to carefree as I could ever be. What was this feeling? Why was I not sad? I am always sad. But not for that 10 minute car ride.

That’s the first time in many years I had experienced happiness. I do not feel it all the time, or even often, or for very long, but when I do I know that I will be okay.

Sometimes I walk outside and the sky is blue, the sun bright, the grass green; and I want to appreciate it all and how nature works and the beauty of it all and how lucky I am to be able to feel the sun on my skin and hear the birds chirping. And then a car passes by, or the wind picks up, and suddenly everything is normal again. The sky is unnoticed, the sun is hot and makes me sweat, I do not hear the birds but only my own intrusive thoughts wondering if I locked the door, got everything I needed from the store, turned off the air conditioning, will have enough hours in this week, will ever amount to anything in life.

And this carries on, as it always has. Until every monday morning, when he walks in the door and I get to smile for a few seconds before going back to the tedious amounts of paper work, phone calls, and angry clients. Or after working for 8 hours with no end still in sight, when we loose a 2 year old cat and he touches my arm in the middle of chaos and says “it’s going to be okay”. Or when we sit in the car at 1 am because he doesn’t want to be around his roommate and girlfriend arguing so we complain about life and laugh about how many things annoy us. I can feel happiness in a moment as simple as him offering his pillow just because he thinks the one I’m laying on is flatter and he wants me to be more comfortable than him.

I just hope that my little moments of happiness continue, because I didn’t know what it is like to feel.

#about me #is that what neurotypicals feel all the time #i am in love #and im scared

My soul has never been touched before so I’m going to write about it

#feelings #i didnt know i had a soul #i didnt know i could feel #im sad #but also happy

threebigolsausages-deactivated2

a game show where a toddler has to choose between a cheque for a million dollars or a small basket filled with $8.14 worth of dollar store toys and in the corner of the tv you can see their parents in a locked sound proof room watching from a screen and screaming the whole time

becausebirds

Bird lands on a page about itself.

ememely

(wakes up at reasonable hour) (stays in bed for two more hours)

drunkenssoldier

(goes to bed at a reasonable hour)(stays awake for two more hours)

bellygangstaboo

Google #woke

did-you-know

Wolves can shape the ecosystem and physical geography of the land they live on. When wolves were reintroduced into Yellowstone National Park in ‘95 after a 70-year absence, trees grew faster, animal populations increased, and rivers even changed their behavior because new vegetation helped reduce erosion. Source Source 2 Source 3

just-shower-thoughts

Birth Certificates are just receipts for human beings.

canadad-deactivated20171111

how and where can i return myself

kutyatap-blog-blog

The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.

Mahatma Gandhi (via kutyatap)

33v0

what is it about capybaras that attracts groups of small animals to them? Its not just mammals either its like birds and turtles and frogs too

33v0

look at this

They radiate peace

lizardsister

capybaras are friend shaped

fat-male-celebrities

Taylor Lautner. February 2016.

Double chin.

dicknurse

oh my GOD

lackofabetterurlname20

He’s back and better then ever

the-third-saturn

He’s still beautiful soooo…

c-bassmeow

double chin tripple chin two dicks six nipples idc i want the rawing to happen

kh2rac-deactivated20181224

Why do you guys feel the need to shame people for putting on weight? As if chubby/chunky/thicker man can’t be attractive???? Like stop this shit. It’s MAD annoying.

forza-tricolor-deactivated20181

^^^ true not to mention that like he looked the way he looked in say the twilight movies mostly due to a combo of a really strict diet and crazy exercise. That kind of thing really takes a toll on your body too so as soon as you ease off that’s what happens. Personally, I think he looks real good good thicc.