(not so) Important things

A collection of words that made me feel something when I wrote them. 

[sydeysage]

So, I was on the top of this mountain and I finally got cell reception and there were like twenty voicemails. NEW GIRL | 4.22 “Clean Break”

[importantthings]

It's been 10 years since I used this platform and nothing has changed at all. I still cry over silly love scenes in sitcoms.

[importantthings]

Feeling like an old man today.

I used to watch Friends and How I Met Your Mother and chuckle about how the main cast handled turning 30…but man do I get it. Life is weird, age is weirder. To think that all these years post high school I’m still out here chasing the music dream and running a couple small businesses…it’s wild.

It’s been a long journey to get here, but as much as I get down on myself I’m so thankful to be making a living utilizing my passions for music, design, and photography - something I never thought actually possible at 18 or even 25.

Tomorrow morning I’m flying out to meet up with the Sleep Signals guys to help them out on the Satellite Tour with POD and From Ashes to New and while I’m a bit stressed and anxious about it, I’m super excited.

So come say hi on tour when we come to your city and I’ll give you a free, crisp, air-hi-five at the merch tables. Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes <3 I’ll do my best to get back to you all as I can.

&hearts; Kenway

TOUR DATES LETS GO 📷📷

**Sleep Signals Only

8/14 Holcombe, WI - Uncle Salty's** 8/15 Lincoln, NE - Duffy's** 8/16 Denver, CO - Gothic Theatre 8/17 Omaha, NE - The Waiting Room 8/18 St Joseph, MO - Cafe Acoustic** 8/19 Sioux Falls, SD - The District 8/20 Des Moines, IA - Wooly's 8/21 Glen Flora, WI - Northwoods Rock Rally 8/22 Minneapolis, MN - First Ave 8/24 Green Bay, WI - SV2** 8/25 Caledonia, WI - Corner Bar & Grill** 8/26 Fort Wayne, IN - Piere's 8/27 Belvidere, IL - Apollo Theater 8/28 Joliet, IL - The Forge 8/29 Detroit, MI - St Andrews Hall 8/31 Pittsburgh, PA - Roxian Theatre 9/1 Clarksville, TN - The Warehouse** 9/2 Little Rock, AR - Stickyz** 9/3 Houston, TX - Acadia** 9/4 Chalmette, LA - The Battlefield Bar** 9/7 Virginia Beach, VA - Scandals Live** 9/8 Phoenixville, PA - The Basement** 9/9 York, PA - West York Inn** 9/10 New Haven, CT - Toads Place 9/11 Laconia, NH - Granite State Music Hall 9/12 Worcester, MA - Palladium 9/14 New York City, NY - Gramercy Theater 9/15 Huntington, NY - The Paramount 9/16 Baltimore, MD - Rams Head Live 9/17 Richmond, VA - Another Round Bar & Grill** 9/18 Atlanta, GA - Center Stage Theater 9/19 Mobile, AL - Soul Kitchen 9/20 Gulfport, MS - The Hot Spot** 9/21 Birmingham, AL - Zydeco 9/22 Savannah, GA - Victory North 9/23 Jacksonville, FL - Jack Rabbits** 9/24 Gainesville, FL - SwampCity Gallery Lounge** 9/25 Columbia, SC - The Senate 9/28 Cleveland, OH - House of Blues 9/29 St Louis, MO - Pops 9/30 Oklahoma City, OK - Blue Note** 10/1 Denton, TX - Killer's Tacos** 10/2 San Antonio, TX - The Rock Box 10/3 Lubbock, TX - Jake's Backroom 10/5 Phoenix, AZ - The Pressroom 10/6 Santa Ana, CA - Observatory 10/7 San Diego, CA - House of Blues

[importantthings]

Learning Things About Myself

This is an incredibly hard “blog post” for me to write, both because it’s personal and hard to explain. Please bear with me, as this is the first time I’m attempting to be somewhat open about this. Also, it’s long and potentially a bit dark depending on your own experience in life. Read if you want, I think it could help some of you understand me, but no hard feelings if you choose not to.

Getting older is weird.

You grow in ways you weren’t expecting, you learn things about yourself you didn’t think possible, and in some cases, you learn some things that *really suck* but help explain a lot about yourself, your past, and the people around you.

My whole life has been a struggle to understand.

A fortunate part of my existence has been that I seem to be “extrovert passing” in the right circumstances. I’ve learned to “fake it” when it comes to being out in public, meeting people, and generally socializing throughout my adult life.

But the truth is...I don't seem to understand even the most basic human interactions most of the time. I’ve just witnessed and absorbed enough small talk and discussion to be able to navigate my way through similar situations when they present themselves in real life.

Going back a ways...

Throughout high school, I had a really hard time making friends (until I didn’t, because I found some really kind souls that just accepted me without question for some reason). I didn’t know how to act at parties//get-togethers, I didn’t know how to talk to other kids about my interests (even when we shared the same ones), I didn’t understand how to take care of myself or my friends when they needed it - I just knew that I loved them unconditionally for accepting me and...whatever it was that I was.

The first time I really noticed something was wrong//weird was around when I turned 25. I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I experienced something that made me think “man, that sounds like fun!” - and then had the realization that it was something that a lot of kids were doing and enjoying in high school that at the time I just...couldn’t wrap my head around. This type of thing has become really common to me over the years since, constantly feeling 5-10 years behind the curb of social existence.

I dated a lot of people when I was younger because it seemed like what I was supposed to do, and as such, I felt empty without it. I was just happy to not be “alone”. I spent time with people that were doing things I thought were viewed as “cool” because I wanted to be included, despite having no interest in them.

I never really took the time to learn “who” I was, and some days I’m not sure I know still. I’ve often joked that I’m just a combination of all of my favorite TV- Characters and People - but it’s not really a joke. I learned to socialize and communicate with other humans through popular media.

TV and Movies made sense to me. It was structured and premeditated. The situations at hand always worked out the same way. The twists were stressful and thrilling, but the resolution always happened in the same way (and in 22-44 minutes). Then came the era of YouTube, and media felt *real* now. I got to listen to how groups of other friends spoke to each other and treated each other and it made me feel included in something that I didn’t have to actively be a part of. It took all the hard parts about having friends and removed them, and gave me just the good parts. If I wasn’t already an introvert, this is really where it started to consume me.

Towards the end of our relationship, one of my more problematic partners (I won’t get into details, but there was...a lot of abusive//toxic behavior here in both directions - largely because I didn’t know how to handle...anything that came in being in a long term relationship) used this against me constantly. “Stop acting like TV characters, this is real life”.

...but I honest-to-god don’t think that I even know how.

I’ve never known what to say in times of conflict. I just wanted the episode to end so I could go back to being happy again after the reset. I had countless relationships (both platonic and romantic) that didn’t work because of my lack of ability to connect with real human needs. I’ve been told that I wasn’t who “they” thought I was but...

The only times in life I’ve ever managed to let a bit loose and act like what feels like myself in short moments of comfort and joy, I’m immediately shut down.

Calm down. Be quiet. You’re being annoying. You’re being embarrassing.

Great notes for someone who already doesn’t feel comfortable in their own skin, or worse their own mind.

And the more and more I think about all of this, the more the dots start to connect. I don’t reach out to my friends that I miss because I just don’t think about doing it, and when I do I don’t even know how to tell them I miss them or just check in without any other purpose. I don’t tell anyone my wants, needs, or ideas because I feel like they’re stupid and will get shot down anyway, and I don’t know how to handle that productively. My creative partners scream at me to be loud, take up space, and be over-the-top myself when we’re working on a project - but I can’t make my brain do it. I don’t understand how, and I get so locked up in my fear of looking stupid or being told to turn it down.

I don’t know how to act on stage/in a music video for my band, I don’t know how to be vulnerable during the creation project when other people are around, I don’t know how to post on social media without it being some long, overly-personal blog about my life, I don’t know how to tell a barista that my drink is wrong or even ask for them to make it special to begin with, I don’t know how to ask for help when I need it, I don’t know how to ask my peers for things they’ve told me they’ll do or provide but haven’t, I don’t know how to make new friends without it being attached to work or a creative project I’m tied to and comfortable in. People will often look at me and say “just do it”, but sometimes even in the most basic social situations my brain locks up and ceases to function until the problem has gone away on its own to some capacity. And then I’m left to just...sit and think about it and how I failed again.

I don’t understand what social media has become. TikTok may as well be a foreign language. I scroll and scroll and the videos with the most engagement don’t make any sense to me as to what made them engaging. I don’t know what to post to make people interact with me and make the platform useful. This isn’t an isolated situation, either.

To this day, my friends watch Vine compilations and cackle at them and I don’t understand why. Facebook seems to be an endless feed of spam advertising, political conspiracy theories, hatred, and people making fun of strangers for things they like or support. YouTube became all about the viral recommended page and political//youtuber controversy instead of being about…well, “You”.

I’m drowning socially because the forms of media that taught me how to live and exist are going away and being replaced with something I don’t recognize in the slightest. The worse it gets, the more problematic it’s become both internally and with the people I spend the most time with.

At one point, I would fill the gaps in myself and my time with work - whether it be for my “job” or my creative projects at the time and it was great - but I’m finding it harder and harder to lean on that as I burn out my batteries from just trying to keep up with the world around me. I find myself dwelling on not being included in projects, hangouts, or conversations that the people I care about are having - despite making no effort to make myself available to them or effort to take up more space in their lives. I find myself constantly allowing myself to be the brunt of others' poor mental health behaviors but not allowing my own to exist outside of my own head as an effort to not take up too much space.

Especially in a quarantine world, I’ve lost complete sight of the lens that people view me through. I’ve spent years unintentionally neglecting my relationships, my band, and my own goals because I feel like I’ve lost the understanding of how to function in those spaces, and I spend most of my time “at work” feeling like all the time and work I’ve put into my career just feels...pointless.

And the worst part is that all of this is impossible to explain to anyone, and even when you try - they don’t understand. I get treated like I’m uncaring, lazy, difficult, or offensive when I’m really just running 1000mph in my head at all times trying to understand how people work so I can fit in and keep moving forward with them. I’m trying to understand myself and the world around me and failing at what feels like every step of the way.

I don’t really know how to end this.

I guess I just want to make the point that no one is who you think they are all the time. The version of me, or anyone else, that you’ve built in your head only exists in your head. Some of us pass well enough to make it through the day but spend most of our time struggling internally at every intersection that life brings us.

All I’ve ever wanted was the space and understanding to grow and work my way through life. I guess maybe things have just gotten too fast for me to keep up with anymore.

-

I’m really thankful to have someone like Jade in my life to help keep me balanced, to listen to me when I just need to scream and cry, to lift me up and push me to keep going. I don’t know where I would be without her.

Also, I visited my boys in Cali recently. There’s a new InGhosts single. It deals with some of this feeling of drowning I’ve been experiencing and is a conversation I had with myself that happened in some of my darkest moments. I don’t know when it will come out or how. I don’t know if it’ll even be InGhosts.

I don’t know if I’m the type of person that people want to hear from, or create with, or befriend anymore.

Just know that whatever capacity I know you, the reader, if anyone even makes it this far…

I’m trying my best. I’m always trying my best.

&hearts; Kenway

[importantthings]

Anyone Can Press Record

“Anyone can press record”

A mantra I’ve tried to live by for a long time.

There’s a lot of people (more now than ever) out in the world right now that want to be a “content creator” of some sort. Those people come from all different generations, backgrounds, belief systems, skill levels, and walks of life. While the ability to get someone’s attention through the noise is at an all-time low, some part of me has to continue to believe that what sets apart creative professionals from hobbyists is the passion they bring to each and every project.

My opening line is specific to music production, but it symbolizes an idea that works across any creative medium:

Anyone can press record, but a producer worth working with will help push the artist and their songs to the next level. They’ll make the artist re-record takes that aren’t good, they’ll help rewrite chorus hooks that aren’t as catchy as they should be, they’ll take the time to make sure that the tones used on their album fit the genre and mood the artist wants to portray.

Anyone can draw a picture, but a designer worth working with will ask questions about the project. They’ll look for the “why” behind the design, rather than just the “what”.

Anyone can take a photo, but a photographer will watch the clients posing, manipulate light sources to get the “mood” right, and tell a visual story. A photographer will spend thousands of dollars on camera gear and spend hours editing the client’s photos to get them just right before delivery.

Living in the Midwest, I often price out audio and design clients and get told “but so and so down the street will do it for $50”.

Sure, they probably will.

But so and so down the street is 18 years old. He’s living out of his parent’s place (so he has no expenses), has ~$500 in gear, and hasn’t ever released a full-length record - alone or with a team. What you’re getting out of that person is $50 worth of time and effort.

I know, because I was that person once too (I think I charged like $300 for my first full length). And I remember my friend Nate (who still gets on me about not charging enough to this day, along with all my friends from the west coast) giving me shit about it then, too.

Conversely, when you’re working with me - you’re working with someone who’s been doing this for over a decade, who’s invested over $20,000+ in gear and software over the years, who’s worked on projects with much larger name producers and has releases out on labels of all sizes (well, I mean, I haven’t worked for Sony yet, I’m not that cool haha). As well as radio stations, podcasts, YouTube channels, and large-scale churches.

When you’re working with me on a design project, you’re getting someone who will put research time in, sketch something 100 times to get it right before moving it to a design platform, someone who will ask questions about “why” you want this design done instead of just asking what you want and giving you the first thing that comes to mind and sticking you with it.

I won’t ever pretend to be the best in the business. I’m far from it. In fact, If we’re being honest I stopped promoting myself and my services publicly for the most part because I often don’t believe in myself.

Despite the fact that 99% of the artists I work with give me rave reviews when the project is done.

Despite the fact that the last time I made a post about needing work I picked up a new long-term contract and booked myself out 3 months almost solid.

Despite the fact that I’ve had to learn to say “no” to projects more than ever when the client doesn’t have the necessary time or budget.

Despite the fact that on more than one occasion I’ve had people I really respect call me for help with work they’re doing.

This industry is as much mental as it is skill and networking, and that’s been my biggest failure of the last few years especially. There’s always someone that does better work, that seems like a better guy with a better reputation. I look back on some of the projects I’ve worked on over the years that didn’t end well, or left a sour taste in everyone’s mouth and think “how could anyone trust me again after that? why would they believe I could grow and evolve?”.

I often get really down on myself and the state of the industry when I see new fads on TikTok pop-up or the new viral flavor-of-the-day meme. I try to be stoked on how many people are out there creating now, but I struggle so much with seeing the final product suffer for certain artists that just deserved better. That’s my own battle to face and navigate, and one that I’m really working on.

However, back to the point (if there is one)…

There’s more to art than skill. There’s more to creativity than accessibility. Surround yourself and your creative projects with people who care about your art and your goals. Even if those goals are to be a punk band and release basement recordings of you screaming at your dog. Find people that want to do that with you and do it better.

I promise the extra time, money and effort will be worth it. I’ll stop rambling now.

&hearts; Kenway

[importantthings]

Let's Talk About Imposter Syndrome

Last year, my band InGhosts released our first single with myself as the primary on vocals. I was terrified for months waiting to put it out. I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I’m not good enough for anything, regardless of how much time or work I’ve put it in. There’s always someone better, there’s always someone with more talent, always someone “prettier”.

I undersell and undervalue my work to both potential and current clients, I’ve passed on countless opportunities because I believed I would fall - and I didn’t think I could take the embarrassment. A string of decisions in my life leading me to exactly where I said I would be: nowhere - and without the experience of *really* trying.

Imposter syndrome is a weird thing, but something I’ve become really intrigued by over the last few years. In listening to/reading from a few great speakers and psychologists I’ve picked up some really interesting thoughts and viewpoints - and I think they’re worth sharing if anyone is interested enough to read:

First, the name. Imposter Syndrome. We name this feeling of being “too small for the shoes we’ve stepped into” a syndrome because it gives it an inherently negative context and makes it feel out of our control. And if we feel we can’t control it, we can find a strange sense of comfort in suffering from it - because what else are we supposed to do?

If it’s out of our control, we have to just…deal with it and move on.

The first step, then, is to remove the “Syndrome” from it altogether. After all, it isn’t a medically diagnosable disease - it’s something we feel when we’re afraid of failing. And no one wants to fail, even though often it’s the best way that we learn to be *better*. So, moving forward let’s refer to it as something a bit more relatable and accurate - “Imposter Thoughts”.

That doesn’t sound quite as heavy, does it?

And here’s the kicker - Imposter thoughts are *incredibly* common. Seemingly more common than not, even (I apologize. I don’t have my sources on some of this section, but a bit of light searching and reading should cover it - if you really care that much). And something interesting about it is that…largely, people who have Imposter Thoughts seem to perform *better* at their jobs/tasks than people who are completely optimistic.

Now, of course, this isn’t 100% universally true, but I believe the idea has some substance to it. Think about it: Someone who’s blindly optimistic about what they’re doing…just acts. They’re so sure of themselves that they do what they do at first instinct, and believe that it’s right. People with Imposter Thoughts tend to “Think Again” (a book by Adam Grant that I believe is worth looking into, if you’re into that sort of thing) or “Think Twice”. Because they aren’t 100% confident in themselves they often rethink their initial intuition and re-examine their plan before putting it into action, which leads to a better understanding of your initial thought process and a higher chance for finding and correcting miscalculations you made to get to the “end goal” the first time.

And again, this isn’t *always* good either. I spend entirely too much time rethinking my every move and meticulously planning things out sometimes in a way that it causes paralysis and often results in me not doing…anything.

But I think there’s still some merit to existing this way, rather than blindly accepting that your gut is always immediately right and following it.

So, why all of this today?

For months and years, I haven’t truly pursued what I love in the ways that I would like to. I’ve always put too much weight in what’s “acceptable” to do, what’s acceptable to lose, I’ve cared too much about what people have thought about me, I’ve cared too much about what would happen if I were to fail. I’ve turned down too many opportunities because I thought I wasn’t good enough or because of what someone else might think.

It’s a bit late into the year for your typical “resolutions”, but I’m approaching 30 and life is too *expletive* short to keep waiting for the perfect moment for everything.

What I want to do this year, and in all my years moving forward is care “less.”

- I want to care less about what people think.

People who don’t like me for “me” shouldn’t have any place in my life. You can not like my band, my tattoos, my attitude all you want - I just then also don’t like you. And that’s okay.

- I want to care less about clients and people screwing me over or taking advantage of me.

Period. If you don’t want to pay me what I’m worth, I don’t want to work with you. My time is better invested elsewhere.

- I want to care less about whether or not I’m keeping all of my “friends” happy with me.

People who want to be in my life will be and often are. If I had to “text first” and “text often” with everyone I would either have no time to do anything else, or no friends. Friendship goes both ways, and unlike Stardew Valley my heart meter doesn’t drain over time. If I loved you 5 years ago and we haven’t spoken since then - I still love you now. We’re just older and potentially not as hot as we were at 25.

- I want to care less about my analytics.

and just make the art/content I want to make. If you don’t like my Twitch Streams or my Videos, unfollow me. Someone else will, and I’d rather talk to them anyway.

And most of all - I want to teach myself to believe in myself and what I do, to have some confidence and optimism instead of constant dread and feeling like a failure. I want to continue to challenge myself, and “think again”, to continue to grow and improve - but I want to do so because I want to, and not because I feel like I have to.

I’ve lived most of my adult life under the motto that I only have one life and one chance. My ultimate fear is dying and knowing I didn’t do everything I could to make it to where I wanted to be at the end. So from now on, that’s what I want to do.

I want to be unapologetically and unabashedly myself. And I hope that you'll all help make sure I don't lose sight of that.

Thanks to everyone who’s stuck with me this far (both on this post and in real life). I can’t express how much the love of my friends, family, and everyone who’s ever supported one of my creative projects fuels me to keep going.

2020 wasn’t what anyone wanted it to be. 2021 probably won’t either. But I’m going to make the best of them, and I hope you do the same.

&hearts; Kenway

PS - If you read the whole thing, I’d love to know about your experience with Imposter Thoughts, and what your reaction to them has been. Let’s have a conversation.

[importantthings]

Today Feels Like Failure

Today feels like failure.

Today feels like giving up. ⁣ ⁣

Today feels like regression, depression, and every other bad day in the book. ⁣

Today I’m waking up late, I’m messing up my nutrition plan, and I’m falling behind on my gym routine. My bank account is empty, my “stock portfolio” (all $200 of it) is down. I suddenly feel like I’m gasping for air just to keep moving. ⁣ ⁣

Depression is a lot of things and comes in a lot of forms. A lot of people look incredibly successful or happy on Social Media, they seem like they’ve got their shit together and like everything is good and going right; but the face we show is often different than the one we don’t. ⁣ ⁣ Today I’m hurting and all I want to do is lay down in a dark room and pretend the world doesn’t exist. I want to start over tomorrow like today didn’t exist. I want to block myself from the world and pretend that I didn’t feel this way, that today never happened. ⁣ ⁣ …but I can’t. ⁣ ⁣

That’s the worst thing about failure, I guess. We’re stuck with it. It happened. Now, all we can do is choose where to go next. What do we do? What do we change? ⁣ ⁣ Failure is inevitable, it’s permanent. My failures today will always be a dark mark in my past - but that doesn’t mean we can’t do better tomorrow. Over time the mark will shrink, the memory will disappear, and even though it’s there…we’ll forget. ⁣ ⁣

Every new moment that arrives is a chance to move forward. A chance to move past our failures, our shortcomings, our lapses in judgment, and try to be better. Today I’m going to take my next moments to breathe, try to calm my nerves, and figure out what I can do to make the rest of today not feel like a waste. ⁣ ⁣

What are your next moments going to be? ⁣ ⁣

Hang in there. ⁣ ⁣

&hearts; Kenway

[importantthings]

On to New Things!

Hey friends,

Over the last couple weeks, I (slowly) put together my "first" solo YouTube video. It took a lot, a lot of work - so if you have any time to spare at all, I'd love it if you checked it out, dropped it a like and maybe a comment.

ESPECIALLY if you're intetested in the content of the video, which is how to live stream using OBS! If you don’t already know, OBS is a FREE software you can use to stream your screen, game console, pc games, iPad...pretty much anything to platforms like Facebook Live, YouTube, and of course Twitch.

It's a big time commitment to watch the whole thing, I know, but like I said - every little bit helps.

[importantthings]

To a New Year

A longtime friend of mine did something like this, and it gave me a sense of connection with a loved one that I haven’t gotten a whole lot this year – so I thought that if it helped me, maybe it might help someone else to?So that said, Let’s talk about my life in the year 2020 – no hard feelings if anyone chooses not to read this, I wasn’t exactly concise.

Spoiler alert, while I tried hard to focus on the positive – this was a really bad year for a lot of people. I did my best to not dwell on it too much.

𝗝𝗮𝗻𝘂𝗮𝗿𝘆: Start of the new year. I had just spent two weeks in LA with the InGhosts crew writing new music, albeit for most of that time I was so sick I couldn’t stand (hmm. Still curious about this.) We shot a music video while I was there for a song planned to come out this month called “Defeat”. We had to push it back a bit because it’s not quite ready for release yet and we really want to “stick the landing”. It’s a largely uneventful month. I’m keeping an eye on the ongoing situation in Wuhan here and there, about as much as I had been since November or so. I do some more travel for work and start to think about what creative projects I want to pursue this year. After the mess that was the ending of my last YouTube project, I wanted to take some time and figure out what was going to make me happy (spoiler alert: still largely in this phase, lol).

𝗙𝗲𝗯𝗿𝘂𝗮𝗿𝘆: After a lot of searching and disappointing news, Jade and I finally settle on the house that will be our home for the next few years. I’m not doing “great” by any means, but work is steady as it has been, and it seems like the right time. I’ve found an industry I actually *really* like working in and currently that means I have to be in South Bend – so that’s where we are! Well, Mishawaka, but still. Our house is small, but it gives me the space to have a dedicated studio and stream space for the first time…ever. I start kicking up plans to rebuild my studio assets and get back in the recording game. Some friends of mine and I start a new comedy/lifestyle podcast called Hardly Serious that won’t actually begin releasing until July.

𝗠𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵: We’re suddenly living in a different world than we were before. Those of us who have been actively watching the news unravel for months aren’t surprised, but it’s still a tough cookie to swallow for everyone. The world is shutting down city by city, country by country. Social unrest is unraveling in 3 different directions for every major issue, the conversion to Work-From-Home starts across the country, and no one can buy toilet paper for some *expletive* reason. The industry I work in just disappeared overnight, all the nerd conventions across the country for the rest of the year start shutting down and I’m suddenly panicked that I won’t have work by the end of the month. I look at the giant hole in my bank account from the money I’ve got in limbo for sales space reservations at conventions for the rest of the year (shit’s not cheap) and try to figure out what on earth I’m going to do. This is not the time to focus on releasing new InGhosts material, but the new Animal Crossing came out and that’s a wonderful distraction from real-life + great content for streaming.

𝗔𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗹: Work slows, but not yet to a complete halt yet. I still have some open jobs for some of the small businesses I help, and a couple bands. The people at Home Depot now know me by name, even behind the mask, because everything that could go wrong with the new house has and I’ve spent a lot of time there trying to figure out how to fix it all. Hell, my Dad and I spent almost an entire weekend installing a dryer vent in the bathroom because FOR SOME REASON THE PEOPLE WHO JUST RENOVATED THE PLACE DECIDED THIS WASN’T IMPORTANT, AND THE BATHROOM THAT ITS IN IS THE DUMBEST LAYOUT I’VE EVER SEEN

𝗠𝗮𝘆: I’m working on a LOT of projects for my clients, including a card game! This is exciting, but also stressful. Thank god the new Pokémon DLC existed to keep me sane. The new InGhosts single is ready, but with the huge reignition and outburst of Black Lives Matter – we don’t think my voice is the most important one to try and showcase right now and we shelf the single for now. There are more important things right now that need to be addressed in the world.

𝗝𝘂𝗻𝗲: For obvious reasons, my yearly “weekend off” trip I try to give myself next month isn’t happening, so I cash out my credit card rewards points to pay some bills since my income isn’t what it would normally be this year. I held a 12-hour charity stream benefiting The Bail Project and it was my biggest charity stream to date. I had a lot of great conversations with people about the cause, the state of the world, and at least for a moment felt like I was making a difference – no matter how small. I spend a lot of my time playing through one of the most heart-wrenching video game experiences I ever have (The Last of Us Pt. II) and despite having a good number of issues with it, still enjoyed the overall experience. Between this and Microsoft/Sony announcing the next-generation consoles, I’m missing hosting a video game podcast more than ever.

𝗝𝘂𝗹𝘆: I finally lose my main source of income. It’s not shocking, and I certainly have some responsibility here, but it still hurt both personally and professionally to be down roughly 70% of your income all at once. I wasn’t initially going to say anything publicly about it but being in the middle of a pandemic and being new homeowners – we really can’t afford for me to take that kind of financial hit. So, I make a post on Facebook with my general skillset and links to my resume, portfolio, etc. Thankfully, because of my lovely Aunt – I was able to find a new client to more-or-less cover what I had lost pretty quickly and only had a couple weeks of “really” hard transition between “paychecks”. July is hot, and I’m outside taking a lot of Product Photography this month, but all in all just thankful to still have a roof overhead vs the alternative (If you didn’t know, Unemployment isn’t a thing for freelancers).

𝗔𝘂𝗴𝘂𝘀𝘁: It’s still hot. I’m still taking a lot of product photo for a Catalog (yes, a print catalog) that I’m working on and I’m working a metric ton of hours. I hit just shy of 100 one week between all the various work projects I have my hands in – 150-page catalog, ~60 products for photo, two trips/travel for photo shoots, a handful of graphic design projects for bands (t-shirts, album art, logos, etc.), building several websites from the ground up, and of course trying to keep up with my Podcast, Band, and everything else. I have too much on my plate to take my birthday off *sigh* but there’s always next year.

𝗦𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿: We finally get a print of the catalog I’ve been working on back to approve for products. In a few minutes, I find almost 50 errors. I’m *heated*. The other designer I’m working on this project with insisted that I send him the files before they go to print, and all the last-minute corrections and changes we had spent the last week changing were lost in the transfer. We call the company who was printing the catalog…and they’ve already produced the whole order (so what was the point of the production sample?). I don’t think I’ve ever felt this defeated or angry about a design project I’ve worked on in my entire life. Alas, the catalogs come in, they get shipped out to the mailing list, the client is happy, it could have been worse - life moves on.

𝗦𝗲𝗽𝘁 (𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁.): On a more positive note, the single InGhosts recorded in December is finally released. We drop it on Social Media platforms and pray that we don’t nuke what little fanbase we have with the big news – I’ve has taken over vocals for the project. I didn’t know what to expect, outside of... that we’d have to follow the single with a “well, I guess this is over message”. What followed, though, was love and support I could not have even imagined. As of writing this message, in just 3 months it’s surpassed the streams of every other song in our catalog. In fact, our tiny little project broke half a million streams this year (almost 700k, actually), and that’s pretty *expletive* cool. I can’t thank everyone who’s supported us this year enough, it’s literally what’s making this project possible to keep moving.

𝗢𝗰𝘁𝗼𝗯𝗲𝗿: A mostly uneventful month – but one huge win. After looking at the same one (more or less) for something like 6 years – I finally got myself a motorcycle. I’d sold my car earlier in the year since Jade and I didn’t really have use for two, and it would save us money. The bike costs me less every month than my car insurance did – so it’s goal fulfillment *and* a smart financial play. For the first time in a while (over the last two months), life feels…good (despite being a huge disappointment to Mom LOL). I’ve mostly leveled out from the trouble I had from March-August, my house isn’t falling apart every day (knock on wood), I’m not as panicked about paying my bills every month…mental health has a moment to breathe. Not to mention, if you want to forget your problems for a few minutes, drive a bike.

𝗡𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿: November is among us, and that means one thing (for me): Extra Life. Every year I do a 24-hour live stream to benefit Extra Life – a non-profit organization that exists to raise money for Children’s hospitals all over the country. The podcast boys and I schedule and knock out an all-day-and-night stream and raise over $1500 – almost 5X the amount we’ve ever raised in a single stream, and more than every other year of Extra Life combined. My heart is so full. I regain some faith in humanity and am reminded just how amazing my little community really is. About the same time, I decide “you know what? 2020 has been a nightmare. I’m a grown-ass man. I’m gonna get the things I want in life” and got hand tattooed (Sorry again, Mom )– by none other than Parker Hollie, an artist I’ve wanted work from for almost 5 years now.

𝗗𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿: I’ve almost flipped 180 on my news attention over the last year. I’m largely staying home as often as I can and trying to not let the world get to me as much as possible. For the first time in my almost 30 years on earth (shudder) I don’t get to spend Christmas with my family. This was a hard one to swallow, but I care too much about my mom and her health to risk-taking anything to her (unlike…others). On a lighter note, I accomplish another, albeit silly longtime goal - I learned to make my own homemade mayo! It’s delicious. Seriously, stop buying it at the store. In the midst of all of this, I realize I’ve gained 50 pounds since this time last year – 2020 has taken a bigger toll on me than I thought. So, recently, I’ve reached out to some friends for support and have been getting my eating back on track and hope to get a workout regiment instilled back into my system in the near future…as soon as I figure out just how to do that.

This should make up for my lack of posting on here anymore, eh? In the middle of all of this, It was really hard to not feel like I was falling apart at the seems...pretty much all of the time. I've never had a year filled with so much disappointment, so much tragedy, so many roadblocks...my depression has been at an all-time high. But a LOT of good came of this year too, and it's my choice to look at and remember that over everything else - so that's what I'm going to try to do. It could have been a lot worse, as it was for many, so I'm thankful to come out the other side and still feel like I grew in a positive way not only professionally, but personally as well.

I truly wish the lot of you a great night, and a better year next year. If we made it through this, we can make it through anything. I love y’all and I hope that this served any of you the same catharsis it did me.

See you soon?

&hearts; Kenway

[importantthings]

Something Positive

Something that isn't about the mess we're experiencing right now:

This Saturday, I'm holding my 4th annual stream for Extra Life in support of Riley Children's Health Hospital. The money we've raised through Extra Life has been life changing for so many kids all over the US - and that'll be no different in the midst of a pandemic.

So come hang out, we'll be streaming for 24 hours straight from 10am-10am EST playing games, eating pizza, and...some other fun things as well.

Hope to see you there!

&hearts; Kenway

[importantthings]

It’s Been a While…

It’s been awhile, but then again it usually is with us. We’ve never been the best at staying on top of our social media game, and I don’t think that’s a shock to anyone. But today is special, and scary. It’s equal parts bright and dark.

InGhosts has never been about us, it’s been about community and love; about being something better than we were yesterday. It’s about the people we meet on the road, and the people who reach out to us online. We’ve been a band for a long time now, and it’s the little things that have kept us alive this whole time.

The team on this one is a lot wider than normal and I wouldn’t have had it any other way:

I have the biggest appreciation for Josh Schroeder for pushing me to find my voice while we worked on our least record, for helping and working with me to develop something I could finally be proud of. For Nazaret for helping me tweak and tune my voice while I was trying to figure out what the hell I was doing and writing/reaffirming my choices on this track.

For Jacob, Davon, Jade, and Taylor for believing in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. For being my rock when I was at my lowest and keeping me on track to just be able to get to this point today.

For Mel for being my collaborator, for pushing me to try new things and experiment with new ideas, for listening to me meltdown about my insecurities and helping me standup to them, and for just always being the best friend I could ask for.

For Nathan for repeatedly pushing my mixing ability and being my constant mentor for the last, I don’t know, 8 years? The mix wouldn’t sound half as good as it does without him pushing me and lending me his ear at 2 am while I’m killing my ears slowly.

For Damon and Alex giving up hours, days, weekends at practice, on the road traveling states away to play a shitty bar but ultimately helping us build the base and foundation we have to even keep releasing music. We met so many amazing people together and it would have been impossible if not for you guys.

For Robert and Oliver for always calling me on my bullshit and telling me to get out of my head when I feel like I’m failing, for constantly checking my professionalism and my mental and keeping me balanced behind the scenes. For just being solid dudes who I met online but shared so many passions and hardships with.

Over the past year I’ve felt broken, ready to quit, to give up on everything that makes me happy and these people make me realize time and time again that there’s more to life than just feeling defeated.

So, I give you the single most terrifying piece of music I’ve ever publicly released. A song showcasing my anxiety and all of the unnecessary pressure I put on myself everyday. A song about my flaws and my desire to overcome them, just like I believe you can overcome them too.

I haven’t given up yet and neither should you, #WeAreStrongerThanDefeat

&hearts; Kenway

[humorblr]

[importantthings]

Marshall is too wholesome for life

[eleanor-crains]

[melindacarolinee]

I don’t ask anyone to stay Not anymore The phone may tremble in my hand But never again Will I beg for someone to love me

(via melindacarolinee)

[importantthings]

With my return, the water began to rise It suffocates and buries you in the tide Bound to the anchor, still sinking deeper I sat with you, slowly watching us die Keeping you safe fell out of my sight Bound to the anchor, still sinking deeper Reaching up Reaching up Reaching up Reaching up towards the surface of the ocean But now I am buried too deep Feel the sun's burning light when you start to rise And I'll be cold at the bottom Walked on the water but now I sink To this cold, dark cemetery Suspended in darkness, I've lost my mind it seems From the visions of watching you spend your life with him My reality is so crippling Reaching up towards the surface of the ocean But now I am buried too deep Feel the sun's burning light when you start to rise And I'll be cold at the bottom I am the anchor That you had to break away from I'm sorry I can't be The lighthouse to guide you when you're lost at sea Take away, take away Take away my broken lungs There was a hole in my heart But it's grown completely numb A fragment sustains this numbing pain (No hope) How can I know hope? (No peace) Dreams of drowning in the dark surrounding The ice freezes the water where I sleep I've lost the will to find a cause to breathe But you couldn't care less (So cold at the bottom) Cut me out from perdition Set my soul in suspension Cut me out from my body I'll drown in the void Reaching up towards the surface of the ocean But now I am buried too deep Feel the sun's burning light when you start to rise And I'll be cold at the bottom I am the anchor That you had to break away from I'm sorry I can't be The lighthouse to guide you when you're lost at sea When you're lost at sea When you're lost at sea

[lanahack-deactivated20220927]

Architects - Gone With The Wind

[baesment]

Counterparts - Reflection (x) So I will pray to a God that isn't there To a world that doesn’t hear To anyone who will listen To keep me from becoming everything  I promised myself that I would never be.

[in-hearts-affliction]

Counterparts // Debris