For four years, I struggled with an endless cycle of depression and self harm. My freshman and sophomore years of high school were easily the worst years of my life. I hated myself and it felt like everyone else hated me too, but most importantly I started wanting to die.
On August 12, 2013, I tried to commit suicide. My best friend had to call 911. I rode in the ambulance alone and on the way to the ER, it hit me what I had almost done.
I was taken to a psych hospital for a week and given time to try and become “stable” again. One of the nurses made me promise that I wouldn’t end up back in green oaks, not for self harm and not for attempted suicide. Most importantly, he made me promise it to myself.
Every day I woke up and I had to tell myself that it was going to be okay, that I was going to get better. I had more than my fair share of bad days and relapses in the following 2 years, but every single time I remembered that the last place I could ever end up again was green oaks. I forced myself to remember the look on my dad’s and best friend’s face that night. I forced myself to remember how terrible it was to have to be away from my friends and family at my moment of rock bottom. Whether I liked it or not, I had to live. I had to look in the mirror everyday and tell myself I was beautiful and worthy, no matter the amount of scars I had, and one day i started to believe it. One day it started to get better. I started to love myself again. I stopped thinking about hurting myself, and most importantly stopped doing it.
August 12th was a crucial turning point in my life. I could be a pessimist and see it as “negative” and something to keep hidden, but I refuse. I will see this day in a positive light and with this I will always remember that this was the day I chose to live. Despite the bad and despite having depression, I was going to live. And I will continue to live knowing how much I have overcome.
germansingergirl
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