Playing Catch Up: All the Way to May Edition
Ok so wow I haven’t explained a thing. But it’s not my fault, I tried to a couple months ago but my stupid phone deleted the whole post and it’s taken awhile for me to actually want to try and do it again. I’m extremely happy though right now. So let’s go back to the whole I’m super confused thing, explain why I was absolutely depressed and how I’ve gotten to happy in just a few months cause you know my crazy ass emotions are everywhere but it’ll make sense.
Alrighty, I was confused, we went out for pizza March 31, 2017, he acted like he liked me, but ignored me too. He would continue to text me, but he wasn’t really flirting back. Finally after about a week of this off and on thing I was sitting with him alone at a table at our hangout and neither of us were talking the entire time. It was awkward, quiet, and I didn’t have a single clue what to do about it. He leaves though, and I whip out my phone and text him right then and there. I explain how I just get really nervous when I’m with him, and that I know I’m weird but I actually really like him. I tell him it’s ok if he doesn’t have the same feelings for me that I do for him, but that he’s just kinda hard to read and I just wanted to see if we were on the same page. I told him how we were friends before I admitted any of this, and if he’s not interested we would be completely fine and be friends after, it’s not going to effect anything, and sent it. Mind you it took him hours to reply 🙄 which was stressful enough, but when he finally did, it wasn’t good. I was in lab, and that’s where that depression post came in. He said he knows he’s hard to read, but that he’s focusing on school right now. You know the whole it’s not you it’s me spiel. He was likely sincere about that, but I was just hurt. I didn’t think he even really gave me a chance, and while it’s completely ok not to like someone, like I wasn’t mad at him, I just got really down on myself. I really put myself out there for this guy, way more than I have anyone else, and it just didn’t matter. So yeah, I resorted to what I knew. I felt miserable about myself, and just went through how I get through things. And mind you, I’ll be hurting like hell through it all, but I’m damn good at faking it. April 5, 2017
I texted him back, told him that it was fine, I’m glad he told me, we’re good, and finally that I was sorry for probably being annoying. It was sincere even if my heart was breaking. After that I went back to my dorm and just cried for hours. So let me just say, I AM NOT THE TYPE THAT CRY’S OVER A FUCKING GUY. That’s not what I was crying about. I was upset with myself. I hated that I had actually tried and failed. I was doubting myself, I was doubting everything I am as a person, I was doubting everything. That’s why I was crying. Not because some dude turned me down. That happens all the time. But just that happening all the time was part of the issue. My self confidence was shot to hell and I didn’t know what I was going to do about it. I knew that by this time is when I usually break down and do something extraordinarily stupid and that’s what I was trying to avoid with the crying. I actually forced myself to think about things instead of just pushing them away and doing something dumb to comfort myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I guess this means I’m maturing or some bullshit. So I’m actually leaving a bit of space here cause we’ll call this an intermission. I wrote all the above stuff a few months ago again. And now it’s late August and I’m trying to catch this diary shit up so it’s relevant for my next break down (cause trust me, it’s coming, but for good reasons). I’m actually currently crying but that’s later me’s problem. She can deal with the emotional fall out from this last one cause I still have to go back and explain the old stuff. This is what you get when you procrastinate. Non recent emotional turmoil. Whatever, it’ll make sense soon I promise.
So back to the story. I was emotional, but as if I’d let that shit show. I walked into our hangout place like I owned it the next day. Was talking up everyone, screaming hey from across the room, had guys hugging me and wanting me to stay and hang longer, like I was a damn blonde popular chick from the movies or something. Mind you though, this was all for him. He sat in a chair by the window, alone with his headphones in, and I wanted to make sure he knew he had no effect on me once so ever. I was great, didn’t need him, it wasn’t a big deal. Ignored his existence the whole time, and then just as I was leaving, did a quick, oh hey Kyle, and walked on by. Wanted to make sure he saw I wasn’t interested, but also that things between us were fine like it hadn’t happened, no matter how I was really feeling inside.
Of course it’s easy looking back on this now. I mean this was all about 5 months ago or so, but at the time, yeah it sucked and I was revaluating things, but for once, I wasn’t broken. I kept my head, and I was proud of that. Anyways that next week was interesting. He was friendly, but too friendly…? At least for someone that had straight up turned my ass down. Like there was no question because I asked him straight up, yet he was still being kinda sweet? I shook it off. Knew what he wanted, and just assumed that was his way of keeping us as friends, but he was wanting to hanging out, walk to see our other friends together, and idk it felt weird. Like bruh, I’m trying to get over you and honestly this feels allot like torture. You could leave me alone for awhile to at least let the wound heal you know? But nope. Guess not.
Anyways a week goes by all weird, I’m good by now, and even have nice conversations and what not with no problem. It was a long weekend, I was heading home with some friends to my hometown, when all of a sudden after talking to him and just being social not even hours before, he suddenly texts me to tell me he made a mistake. He tells me he does like me, and that he was just confused cause he was scared to let himself lose focus on his schooling, but that if I’d take him, he wanted to take me on a real date. My favorite part though, was he would have asked me in person, but that he was scared he’d mess it up, and at least this way, he could reread the message a few times before he sent it… 💕(I know, he’s fucking adorable…) Skipping all the squealing and screaming that occurred in my friends minivan it took me about 15 mins just respond, but I told him that I understood, and that sure I’d be down. After that we stayed up and texted all night just about nothing and I couldn’t have been happier. April 14th, 2017
We made plans for a double date. Yes I know, who goes on a double date for their first date, but hear me out. This was my first official date. I was nervous. This boy had turned me down already and I just wanted it to go well! I would have agreed to whatever he wanted at that point! Lol, but that’s not what happened. He texted the day before to tell me plans fell through, and if I would rather come to his place and we watch a movie. Okay, tell me world… HOW DO YOU DRESS FOR A MOVIE DATE AT SOMEONE’S HOUSE? I contemplated this question for so long, and finally had to just have my friend come over and help me choose. I wanted to show up in freaking pajamas. Super chill and relaxed you know? But I was told not to do that, and thank God for that. I show up to his place, and there he is, jeans, a nice shirt… I can’t even explain how good he looked. Like gosh… I need to explain though, he never dresses up. He’s always in basketball shorts, a stupid t-shirt 😂, and like slides or tennis shoes. I’ve never seen him even try to look nicer before, and here he was doing just that for me, for a movie date. Not going to lie, this was it for me. He was already doing something no guy has ever done in the past and that was do something FOR ME. No guy has ever cared enough to try for me. They’ve never given a shit, and here he was just trying. I know, sad huh? I can hear you now, “wow she has low standards,” well ya see, that’s what happens when all you’ve had in the past was trash. Assholes who don’t give a shit about you, and just want to use you for your body. Yeah well I don’t put it just on them. When it happened more than once you know the whole shame on you line. Obviously it wasn’t just their faults, but I’m not going to go into the pit of depression that was my life that made me make those decisions. No, no, I’m going to continue this, because trust me, he’s changed everything.
Alright now where was I… I stood outside his place hyperventilating for about 15mins (I got there early cause I knew this would happen) until I finally got up the courage to go knock on the door and that’s when my hot af date opens it and our awkward personas just intertwined to create what was the most awkward enterance ever. I go in, he immediately asks if I want water, with the yes response he gets it, turns the lights off and we go sit on the couch, AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, and immediately start the movie within 5 mins of me walking in the door. We must have sat there awkwardly next to each other for 15mins or so just silently watching, no touching. I eventually started to chill out as I got into the movie, The Prestige (pretty good btw, can recommend) when I look over and I can basically see him thinking and not paying attention to the thing at all. Of course I over look this and just think he’s nervous too, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, and mind you, were watching a movie about fucking magic, like this came out of true butt fucking nowhere, he suddenly blerts out, “hey can I ask you a question?” And I’m like, “yeah sure, what’s up?” And he goes, “do you ever think about being a pirate?” TAF? Lol, I was just like, “umm, in what context?” And he was like, “oh you know, would you wear your parrot on this shoulder,” points to my closer shoulder, “or this shoulder?” Puts arm around me and leaves it there to touch the other shoulder……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..And that’s the story of how I died. Lmao no seriously I died laughing. Best way to get you’re arm around a girl ever. After how tense everything was and then for him to pull something so corny, I loved it. It was so good, and funny, it was just the best possible situation. We both immediately loosened up and I just had another reason to be completely into this guy.
So quick background of how we met: Through a combination of the same hangout place and mutual friends, he was just always around. Always seemed way out of my league and just all around perfect, and I basically never thought I had a chance. Honestly I still don’t know why he gave me a chance but that’s for later me to continue with. But the point of this is the mutual friends. The night of our date, they sat there calling and texting us throughout the movie. Mind you they didn’t know we were on a date, but they were just bugging us cause they wanted to hangout and couldn’t understand why we weren’t answering. So instead of watching another movie or continuing our date, we had to bring it to a close early to go figure out what they wanted. Which I guess was fine, I wanted to hangout more just us, but I wasn’t going to push my luck. We headed to the hangout just to find out they all went to dinner and that we were now not invited. Now at the hangout without our usual friends we run into another couple, Ryon and Ashley, sweet little freshman couple who was on my side to get this dude all the way 😝 Anyways they realize we were on a date and basically get it started again by having us continue the night with a double date with them. So this is my first date, I didn’t want to scare him off and then being so excited and saying it was a double date was like terrifying me. I was shushing them and trying to play it cool, but I didn’t know how he’d take this whole double date thing, but more so, I don’t know how he’d feel with us being out in public like this. Like I’ve said before, I’ve been with some truly shitty guys and any kind of affection in public was not ok with them. Likely because they were fuckbois who couldn’t be seen with a chick if they were planning on getting laid by another later on. 😒 Anyways basically I’ve been treated badly, and normal healthy relationship concepts are foreign to me. Them being so excited about this ‘double date’ in public made me so worried it would push Kyle away, yet come to find out he loved the idea. We played pool, then went to McDonald’s to get ice cream. Not gunna lie, I had a good time, and this was my first taste of what something good and pure is actually like.
We make our way back to the hangout and our usual friends finally make it back just to stop and stare at Kyle. If I didn’t make it clear before, HE NEVER DRESSES UP. They all saw him in the jeans and just busted out laughing because they knew he was trying for me. We parted ways not long after that, but it was a great first date and no matter what happens, I’ll remember it always. April 21, 2017
The next couple days we causally hung out doing hw and studying and what not. Sadly finals were around this time, so time was not ample, but we replanned the double date we were originally going to have that first night and were able to go out with our friends Lucy and Josh. We played mini golf, bowling, a few arcade games, and happily ended the night with pizza. It sounds stupid, but for whatever reason this date meant allot to me. We won these little bouncy balls, nothing fancy, but Kyle told me how they’d be a momento of our date that day. Lucy stole some golf balls 🙄 and was planning on writing the date on them as her momento and I loved the idea. And while I hate being a total girl, I got home that night, wrote the date, April 28, 2017, across the ball in sharpie, and then later placed it on a soon to be memory board.
The thing about that night though, wasn’t just the fun we had. It was what happened when they were taking me home. I got out of the car, thanked him and everyone for a great night and started walking away when I realized I forgot my calculator (I’m not going to explain it; I’m a nerd, deal with it) and ran back to grab it. Once in hand though, Kyle gets out of the car (he was driving) comes up to me says how they’re giving him a bunch of shit for not walking me to my dorm. I try to tell him it’s not a big deal and not to worry about it, but he just happily says no that he wants to. Small talk pursues till we reach the door. I swipe my card, look at him, cause I can tell this is when one of us is supposed to make some kind of clear indication of what they want, but instead of kissing him like I really wanted to, I panic cause I wasn’t sure what he wanted, hug him really fast, and basically run inside.
Literally banging my head on the wall when I get up to my dorm for not going for it, I grab my phone and immediately text him. I ask him if he was wanting a goodnight kiss, and if so that I was too, but that I panicked and that’s why I didn’t kiss him. I follow that up with, if he wasn’t planning on going to go in for a kiss, then to disregard everything I just said. 😂 I know, smooth right? What can I say, I’m as straightforward as they get.
He responds back that he wasn’t sure either but that he wanted to kiss me as well. He said how our awkwardness will go away with time, and with that my heart just melted.
That next night I had a couple friends over half studying, half watching movies and eating dinner, so of course I invite him. He comes over, again we have a decent time, and a little after midnight so technically the date’s April 30, 2017, he decides to leave. I walk him out to the elevator and after the night before I was determined. Just as soon as the elevator gets there, I stood up next to him on my tip toes (he’s quite a bit taller than me) put my arms around him just enough to pull him down towards me and give the most awkward kiss possible. See it wouldn’t have been so bad, but I being the clumsiest person in the world, mix it with my awkwardness, and you get a ridiculous situation. As I went up for the kiss, I completely lose my balance, basically fall into him, barely pecking his lips and then try to catch myself using both him and the wall. Suffice to say I was flustered. I regained my balance was like, ok bye, and ran back to my dorm where my friends awaited for details. Instead they got a squealing me. Once more I whipped out my phone, texted a crazy apology about how dumb I am. With his response being “it’s ok, when you think you’re being dumb, I think you’re so cute.” Again.. butterflies. He’s amazing, and we both just agreed, it looks like our kissing skills could use some practice to get it right. 😉
You know time flies when you have exams and are trying to get to know someone. It was really terrifying to me to get close to someone so close to the summer time. I mean we live in different cities, 5 hours apart and there was no way we’d see much of each other this summer. To start a relationship as long distance just sounded ridiculous, and that’s exactly what I told him. On May 2nd he came over and while we were supposed to be studying, we hung out for hours just talking about so much random nonsense. I mean he was there till 4am or so, making it the next day. The nonsense wasn’t constant though, important things came up. Silly things too. I laid on the couch, my head in his lap, trying to be fairly quiet not to wake my roommate, but continuing to talk and show each other videos and what not. He would gently move my hair out of my face, and told me how he’s always wanted to do that to someone. Just the gentlest touches and it just felt so right. But when the topic of this summer came up, I tried to let him off the hook. I told him how I understand that we’re going to be apart, and that I know we’re nothing, just talking and what not, and that if he was to talk to other people that’s fine, because I’m no one, you know? Like I don’t matter, and he can do whatever he wants. I just kinda said all this, but added how I probably wouldn’t be talking to anyone though. I think he saw where I was going with this, me basically saying he could do what he wants this summer and if he’s not taken by then, that I’d be down to try talking again in the fall, but he wouldn’t have it. He said how he wasn’t going to be talking to any other girls, and how he wasn’t planning on not seeing me at all this summer because he figured, if it was alright with me, that he’d make the trip down to my hometown just to see me. I asked him though, if that’s what he wants then does that mean we’re exclusive? And if so how does that work? I told him I’ve never dated anyone before and he said the same thing. He’s never had a really serious relationship or anything but that he’d like it if I was his first. He said sometimes it’s not something you have to say explicitly, that a couple just kinda can know that they’re dating at some point, or one of the 2 can ask the other to make it official. I asked him well then do we wait and just see what happens or what? Finally he asks me, S****** do you want to be my girlfriend? To which, of course my snarky ass having to ruin a good moment, “ehhh, maybe, I gotta think about it,” laughing then said “of course,” and kissed him. Making May 3, 2017 the day we both started our first official relationship.
Of course the story continues though. I mean it is August and that just catches me up to May. I’ll probably leave out most of the juicy details, but I’ll leave catching you up to August for another post because this one is hella long. As if anyone reads these anyways, but I think that wraps this up really nicely. Like I said earlier though, it’s August and I’ve been in tears, and totally need to vent about what’s going on, so I had to get this post done first. Now that it is, on to the next emotional rollercoaster that is my life.
---imscreamingontheoutside---<\p>
pixelskylines
janainaart
theartofmadeline
dailybridgerton
prguitarman
baratheonpilled
