[ginkgo-bilobas]

I was born in the late nineteen hundreds

[h-olywater]

Thanks this really fucked me up

[nikswonderland]

taken by me

[lvnnsi]

06/20/23 // chamomile & clover from our garden

[imtegan]

House update. We’re in week 24/month 6 of our build.

It’s going pretty smoothly but there’s been a lot more hiccups than not lately. Like our tiling.. I’m struggling to be excited about it. The tilers are foreign so the language barrier has been very difficult and that’s resulted in many mistakes on their end.

We’ve had to fight for them to be fixed too because our SS (who’s usually really good) tried to say they went off construction plans.. when they should’ve been going off of our tiling plans. In the end they agreed for it to be fixed but it’s just the anxiety of it all that has me on edge constantly. Especially when they’re going to have to replaster where they’ve tiled incorrectly which delays things.

We had to reschedule our aircon company from Monday until tomorrow morning also to cut the aircon vent holes out because the tiler was grouting yesterday which is fine. But now our site supervisor is saying we might not be allowed on site tomorrow because the painter will be there. It’s so frustrating how the tiler delaying things (by taking longer to finish due to stuff ups) is now delaying our aircon guy. It’s just the way building is (which Ben loves to remind me) but it’s annoying.

After painting we have plumbing & electrical fit off, aircon installation, security screens, chippy fit off, carpet etc left to do. Which means if all goes to plan, we could have PCI by the end of July and potentially handover 2 weeks later. Trying to not get too excited by that idea though because things can and probably will go wrong but knowing we’re getting closer to the finish line is a nice thought.

Renting and paying a mortgage is actually so fucked up right now. A month of rent and mortgage repayments for us is literally over $5,500 🥲 not including all our other bills.. that means we’ve not been able to save a single cent towards all the shit we have to do post handover as well. We didn’t anticipate interest rate rises and inflation when we decided to build again (back in November 2021) otherwise we would’ve cut back on things in the build to lower the cost but that’s null and void now. Such a fun time being an adult.

I will say though I am extremely grateful for what we have. We’re very fortunate in comparison to some people out there but I just need to vent a little.

[imtegan]

Why am I getting clucky again when I can’t even handle two kids let alone three?

Is it because Arlo is turning 3 next month? Idk. But I see babies lately and get a sort of panic that I won’t have that again? And when I think of Arlo being my last and him getting older it just makes me sad.

But I also don’t want to start over again with a baby? And struggle through every stage like I have with both of the kids. My two good friends only have 2 kids as well and I can envision us doing so much more fun stuff with all of our older kids but if I go back for one more baby I will be the one who doesn’t get as much fun if that makes sense? But is the fun worth not having one more baby? Idk. I just don’t want to regret either decision and I keep seeing people online say “you don’t regret the children you have” vs regretting the children you don’t have but did they struggle the way I did? Do they have mental health issues too? There’s so much to consider.

Ben is pretty firm on not wanting more. Everything is too expensive right now with the constant interest rate rises and inflation which I agree with but when he says it I also feel a pang of sadness.

I guess we’ll see what happens. I’m only 28 so I have time but I really don’t want a bigger gap than Poppy and Arlo have (4.5 years) because it was hard enough starting again then let alone waiting until Arlo is 5 or 6 etc. I just don’t know. I always wanted three and I love being pregnant but can I survive the mental load of three kids.. especially when Poppy is autistic and Arlo might be too.. I hate this indecisiveness.

[lvnnsi]

06/11/23

[infinitely-gentle]

[a-bird-dreaming-of-freedom-deac]

Sylvia Plath.

[imtegan]

Work update that’s probably boring but excites me..

I was approached by my store manager last night. She wanted to discuss my contract and I wasn’t anticipating it so I felt a little caught off guard if I’m honest. It was a good outcome though. And very overdue.. I haven’t had my contract looked at since I went back to work after having Arlo, which was when he was 8 months old and he’s almost 3 now.

So I’ve gone from having 49 hours a month to 76 hours a month which is a lot more than I thought she’d agree to giving me. I’ll have 4 guaranteed nights off a fortnight too which is incredible - I don’t have to sit in anxiety wondering if I can actually properly relax or if I’ll get called into work.

If I don’t pick up extra hours on the days I’m contracted we might struggle a bit while we’re building this house but the silver lining is things will be a lot better financially after the house is finished.

I’ll be doing 4 in a row, 1 night off, 4 in a row, 1 night off, 2 in a row, 2 nights off.

I was currently doing 6 in a row, 1 night off, 4 in a row, 2 nights off when I was picking up extra shifts so at least my nights off are spaced out better now 🙌🏼

[princessantisocial]

[kuwaiti-remarkable]

friends that understand your anti-social phases and don’t take it personally are important.

[imtegan]

Following on from my post from the other day - I ended up being asked to swap my Wednesday for Tuesday so I did 6 shifts in a row. I was so tired yesterday my eyes were burning. I was determined to not spend my day asleep though so I read instead which was really nice. Last night I finished the book I started on Monday which I’m pretty proud of considering I didn’t read any of it on Tuesday. I’m starting another Colleen Hoover book today. Having a hobby again that is just for me and allows me to spend less time on my phone is what I need.

Wiggles were good. I mean neither of my kids were good.. Arlo whinged about wanting snacks the whole time and refused to sit in the seat so he sat on me and Poppy cracked it for whatever reason (kept telling me “I’m fine!”) but I at least got to live out some of my childhood seeing a few of the original wiggles. So many thirsty women after the new wiggle (John) though 😂 One lady even had a shirt that said “I’m only here for John”. The other wiggles thought that was pretty funny.

-

I woke up today to Poppy telling me Arlo has drawn on some walls. I swear Poppy never did that as a toddler. He is my wild child through and through. He is so sneaky and he knows it’s wrong but he keeps doing it. How does one nip that behaviour in the bud?

I have a shift tonight then I have Friday, Saturday and Sunday off (for now unless I get called in) and I’m so ready to relax a little because I have 6 shifts again next week. I got Monday too which is a public holiday so the money is going to be fab. My manager has given me early starts next weekend too. Hopefully this is a regular thing while we’re building this house which at the moment is just sitting there waiting for trades to be available to do the cladding and frame straighten before the start the plaster.

[ggggagggggggg]

I ruin my sleeping schedule to have more time by myself

[imtegan]

I am so tired today.

I’m on my 5th night in a row tonight which doesn’t sound bad but prior to this 5 in a row, I had one night off after doing 6 shifts in a row. Last night was a shit fight because we were understaffed on late notice. I filled 3 aisles and 1 of those aisles was very heavy - so much flour, sugar and oil. By the end of the night I had nothing left in me. I hope tonight is kinder.

I have tomorrow night off thankfully. Weird though because tomorrow is my contracted shift but I was rostered on for tonight instead. I’m just going to roll with it though - I’m taking the kids to the wiggles tomorrow with a girlfriend from work (and her kids) so it’ll be nice to not have to work after being out for the day. Tuesday nights are absolute chaos at work because the ends are built for the specials to start the following day so they can have that fun without me hahaha.

Enough about work even though I feel like it makes up for a solid 80% of my life right now. Our house is coming along nicely. I’ll attach a photo. Bricks were done last week along with some mistakes with the electrical corrected and the chippy also fixed the bulkheads that were wrong. Ben had a meeting with the owner too about a few things and that went well. Hoping the chippy fixes the remaining things asap because the plaster can’t start until that’s sorted.

Kids are good. Poppy is on school holidays now. So good not having to wake up and do the school run. I live for slower mornings. Arlo is talking more all of a sudden and I love it. Hearing his little voice is so magical and all the random weird things he randomly says are so funny. Can’t believe he’s 3 in July.

Have a pretty good long weekend planned. Friday we’re closed for the public holiday so we’re going to a big party at my friends (from work) house because it’s literally the one day of the year everyone (that we’re friends with) can go to the party without having to take leave. Then on Saturday we’re going on the boat with our close friends. Sunday we’re going out to Ben’s parents place so Ben can help his dad move some stuff so the kids will run around (they have 25 acres) and Monday, Ben is going golfing with his mates in the morning then we’ll just relax for the rest of the day I think. Kinda hoping I get called into work over the weekend for the public holiday pay but also kinda hope I don’t. Hah.

I’m doing okay. Better than I have been lately. Probably because my hours have been decent at work which has reduced the financial burden I’ve been carrying when I get my basic hours. My new manager is on holiday right now though and I’m not sure who’s covering for her so I’m a bit worried my roster for next week is going to be dismal. Pray for me 🥲 I’m pretty much surviving on the idea that this is all temporary and once we’re not paying a mortgage and rent at the same time, it won’t be so hard and I can start properly living again.

I borrowed two books from a friend recently (both are by Colleen Hoover) and I haven’t had the chance to pick them up so today I’m going to try and get into the first one. It’s been so long since I’ve read something and I used to read a lot. Hoping that’s a hobby I can get back into. I can’t wait to sit in our alfresco area with our view of the trees, a nice drink and a good book while the kids play outside.

Ben and I are good although we don’t get much time together when I’m never home of a night haha. Really looking forward to time together this long weekend. It’s our ten year anniversary this year which blows my mind. I really hope our house is finished before then and then we can maybe afford to splurge on our anniversary for once 🤞🏼

[imtegan]

Pops turned 7 on Thursday!

Wish I could post some photos of her but the weird bots on here make me really uncomfortable having my babies on here.

I kept her home from school and Ben surprised her by taking the day off work so we could spend the day with her. We went to Timezone which was nice but Arlo is probably a little too young and didn’t really get the concept so he had some melt downs. Those meltdowns then followed us to lunch where both of the kids fought the whole time. So fun.

After lunch we came home and had some cake before I had to go to work. Poppy wasn’t too thrilled that I couldn’t stay home which broke my heart a little. Worst part about renting and paying a mortgage while we build is not being able to take time off on special occasions like I usually can but next year I’ll make up for it.

Yesterday we went to my in-laws for a late lunch and to have some cake with them. Poppy requested a LOL doll cake this year so I made her dreams come true. So much effort but worth it to see her face light up. She loved that she got to open the LOL doll after her slice of cake too. Usually I just get my regular cake lady to make the kids cakes to take the stress off of me but she’s not doing cakes any more. Guess we saved some money too which I’m not mad about.

Still can’t believe my baby is 7 now. It scares me that she’s growing up so quickly. Last night I looked through photos of her as a baby/toddler and it honestly feels like a life I didn’t even live. That part of my life feels like it was so long ago but yet she’s grown so quickly. Idk how to explain it. Life is weird.

[imtegan]

Sitting here ordering presents online for Pop’s birthday next week has me wigged out.

How is she almost 7? Did I blink and miss it?

It feels like ever since we had Arlo, time has just gone so quickly with her. Probably because life got busier and we don’t get that one on one time much. I just wish I could go back in time to when she was a baby so I could savour it more. She was so chubby and her laugh was (and still is) my favourite thing. Ugh. Time is a thief.

[desactivemaintenant-deactivated]