Musings. @imthebeloved - Tumblr Blog

APACRS 2023

Today was like a fairytale.

I was due for a free paper submission during the conference which i had been dreading and forced myself to approach rahat who gladly went through with me the presentation. but still, i had to rehearse every night at least once (i’m glad i did, cos then it cut down on my time to prepare), and i took quite some time to make the slides as well.

I wasn’t expecting to win because the telecare project was so simple. There were no great stats, just simple descriptive analysis.

As i woke up this morning - i told God - please grant me wisdom and favour, and I prayed and asked to win best paper - but in my heart, i kinda had some doubt - but told Him that if I win, it’s best on YOUR goodness not mine, And please God, let me win so that I can bring glory to YOU.

I also prayed for the ipad lucky draw but didn’t win lol. jeremy from ttsh did. Was happy for him. And yet was still secure in the Lord’s love for me.

Then i went for my free paper. jeremy and ae ra turned up to give me moral support cos they were bored lol and didn’t want to attend other talks. They helped me take pics!

I went up and finished within the time limit, Dr Fam asked me a question about what kind of cases had RD and endophth- > i couldn’t answer that, but told him abt the endoph case.

As I watched the other presenters, I thought quite a few had outstanding projects, far better than mine, and had even better aesthetics presenting.

Dr Fong, Dr Zainah and Dr Wee even turned up to support me though they came 5 mins late -.-;; lol. I really appreciated the gesture. They left soon after realising that my presentation was over LOL.

I wanted to leave earlier cos jeremy and ae ra wanted to go join the B&L talk with yunhua but when i asked the usher, she said better to stay cos they will announce the winner. I thought- well, slim chance i’ll get it. but OK what the heck, let me just stay.

And then Dr Fam and Dr Bryan Hung took some time deliberating. They even announced halfway that - very close between the winner and runner-up, and difficult decision, h/e they can only award one winner. I thought to myself - gosh, i must be the runner-up, lol.

And then Dr Bryan Hung pickedup the microphone and said, “The winner of the best paper is ... JAME...”, I was like HUH OMG SOUNDS LIKE MY NAME “...LIM!” I was like is that me??? DId i hear correctly???

They were looking towards my direction. I utterly was shocked and looked around, waiting for someone else to get up, but no one was. So I got up and walked tentatively towards the stage. “...Who presented whether an in person assessment is necessary at POW1 for routine phacoemulsifcation”.

They had that little blue ribbon and I went up and Dr Fam and Dr Hung shook my hand gladly and we posed for the picture with my blue ribbon. i was utterly shocked and thought- this can’t be! What a simple project. That He really exalts the weak. and likes the small.

“Go in this might of yours...surely I will be with you.”

- Judges.

Thanks Lord. I owe you many. You are the reason for my blessings.

#Christian #personal

Its okay not to be perfect.

From the book “when your best isn’t good enough” by Dr Kevin Leman

#christian #personal

In response to some “feedback” I got this week.

#christian #personal #Joseph prince

Self-compassion

“I come to know viscerally and steadily that I am destined for death and subject to moral failure, and in one way or another I become reconciled to this fact.” - John Miller

#self compassion

“Doesn’t matter at the end of the day what people think of you. [Just remember] I’m the one whom Jesus loves. I’ve been criticised by the best. But the Best of all still says, “I’m the one He loves.”

- Joseph Prince

#Joseph prince #christian

Experiencing a series of trials. As if there’s a spiritual warfare against my joy. After I had activated God’s word and spoke out for jie. These things happened.

A woman who purposely had to go and buy her chicken rice halfway while queueing in front of me for the soya milk, and expected me to hold her spot. The clinic who charged me extra $20 without telling me beforehand. Stuck behind a garbage truck for 10mins.

Frustrated. Disappointed. Felt taken advantage of. Blamed myself for not speaking up. Defenceless. Agreements.

I asked the Lord, how are you interpreting this? What is going on?

Fallen.

Fallen?

This is due to a fallen world. Things are not perfect nor fair and they will not be.

It is of no fault of yours.

I felt a release immediately. No fault of mine. Cos I blamed myself for not circumventing circumstances, for allowing things to happen.

Still sad though. I asked Him what am I supposed to do or focus on if this happens again?

No reply yet.

Just gonna keep record keeping here during my “burnout break”. I usually hand write in my (moleskine heheh atas) journal but my handwriting is so atrocious sometimes it is easier to look back on entries typewritten.

There were certain things that God called to remembrance today as I was troubled over Jean’s text to me, firstly:

Forgive SNEC. Renounce my hate for it - the place, the system, the people.

Yesterday I asked God how I thought I was doing. And then I asked how did He think I was doing.

I was scared because I thought He was going to be disappointed with me.

But what came for the first question was:

Release the judgements.

The whole day I had been feeling blah because I felt i didn’t do much. Wasn’t productive even with my break. I wasn’t worthy. I wasn’t deserving of any favour. And then that just broke it. I had to stop judging myself if i was deserving of feeling happy or blessings or favour based on what I did, or even smth as simple as how I spent my day.

How do You think I’m doing, Lord?

I love you.

Good enough.

I’m good enough.

#christian #personal #burnoutbreak #god speaks

I’ve been reading John Eldredge’s book on how to hear the voice of God. Truth be told, I think I’ve trained myself to hear His voice quite well at work. This practice started in R1 when Laurence advised me to ask God on what to do next when I’m unsure.

So when I’m on call or when I’m in the clinic and I’m stumped or I’m unsure, I pause, utter under my breath or in my head, I ask God - Holy Spirit, what do you think it is? What should I do? Should I call so and so, or should I just treat as such? More often than not, an impression or peace comes quickly. It can be with regards to the diagnosis, or just the management that I should or should not take. And so far, God has served me well. I have not made any clinical error. Or rather, even if I have, I have submitted that He is the overall physician in charge - and He will take over if necessary. Eg the patient will re-present elsewhere if I miss smth w no severe repercussions.

But I haven’t applied this to my personal life. Reading the book reminded me how to hear God. I have to first have benevolent detachment. Eg give everyone and everything to God. Then my soul has space to be filled with His voice or word.

Today I was pretty troubled by a certain senior’s (jean) words to me when I opened up about my burnout break. She said my burnout was also contributed by me struggling to find a niche for myself. But In my mind, I was not. I was/am happy where I am and what I am learning. Yes I may be a generalist but I am learning more abt Biometry and improving surgery. I am contented in a sense. But her reply to me triggered off feelings of defensiveness and the need to justify myself again. I asked God - what’s going on? What do You think about this?

It took some time but eventually I think I heard this:

She doesn’t know

I asked - she doesn’t know what?

She doesn’t know the plans I have for you, and your full situation

I heard Him say.

Okay. I accepted that. I was overwhelmed with tears. It brought such release. Of course - she doesn’t know. What else do you have to say to me about this, Lord? I asked.

It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.

And on that, a quick impression came: People can still like me despite me not being “capable” or having achievements or accolades to my name. I’ve always felt that I have to work for favour. Then I would be deserving. But what if I can just be myself?

#christian #personal