In Mammoriam

A place to log my trip to Thailand for long awaited top surgery. October 14 - November 9, 2022

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙽𝚘𝚟 𝟸, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

We got our assignment finished and submitted this evening. With that, I am officially done with uni!

The hotel internet decided to crap out for a full 10 minutes in the middle of my call with my assignment partner. That seems to just happen sometimes, and whenever I try to video call anyone the quality is horrible. Definitely looking forward to getting home to my reliable internet and my main PC. The laptop does the trick but boy oh boy is it inconvenient and uncomfortable in comparison to my setup at home. And slow. These poor fans are working overtime.

I debated buying myself a beer to celebrate finishing uni, but I think I’d just feel sad drinking alone in my hotel room. And I don’t particularly want to sit alone at a bar either. So I’ll save up my celebrating for when I get home and I can do it with my friends and family.

I’ll be home in a week! Looking forward to seeing my people, and being in my own house.

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙽𝚘𝚟 𝟷, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

I’ve been really drained today. Having been pretty isolated for the last few weeks, being around so many people yesterday really took it out of me. The introversion is in desperate need of recharging.

And I missed the nurses yesterday. I never know when they’re going to arrive, so I couldn’t really plan around it, and they came while I was out yesterday. The nurse today mentioned it, but there’s not much I can do about it aside from never leaving my room, so y’know. Sorry I left my room that one day.

Been trying to work on my assignment because it’s due in a couple of days. I’ve been making progress but it’s slow going, it’s hard to focus when the batteries are low. Aiming for an early night and hopefully some more energy tomorrow.

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟹𝟷, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

Guess who went out today and forgot to take any pictures!

A friend of the family is currently in Thailand recovering from a different surgery, and today we were both recovered enough to go out. It was good to get out of the hotel, now I can at least say I went shopping like a proper tourist!

We went to this huge... not a mall exactly, more a sort of market, but indoors. A market crossed with a mall maybe, I’m not sure exactly how to classify it. It had some regular stores and cafes and stuff, but there was also street food stalls and little touristy souvenir shops and stuff. We just wandered around for a few hours browsing whatever caught our fancy.

Bartering is a thing here, and I am terrible at it. I always feel guilty about asking for a lower price, and the whole social interaction feels uncomfortable and a little combative. It’s not how things work in New Zealand. Thankfully, my friend knows what she’s about, so she handled all the haggling for me. She told me off a couple times for looking to excited about an item, which made it harder for her to get the price down. It’s all too complicated for me! But I wound up with a wooden elephant head that I can put on the wall next to the wooden giraffe head I got in Bali, and a coconut bowl inlaid with mother of pearl as a gift for my mum. Souvenirs purchased, mission accomplished. (Like these top surgery scars aren’t souvenir enough!)

We went to a maid cafe for lunch, which was a very bizarre experience. My friend picked it, and I’m not sure if she knew what it was. With the girls all dressed up and the rules we got taken through when we sat down about not touching them, not taking photos etc, I felt a little bit creepy, like a voyeur or something. But I sat with my back to the rest of the room and just focused on chatting with my friend and enjoying the food, so it wasn’t too bad. And now I can say I’ve been to a maid cafe I guess...

Trying to find a taxi home was a bit of a mission. Apparently, taxi drivers will try to get away with not using the meter, and then they can tell you a much higher price that you can’t really dispute, because there’s no meter price to back you up. We had to try several different drivers before we found someone who agreed to use the meter, and all the interactions were the same kind of combativeness as haggling. I never would have managed on my own, I would have just accepted what they told me and gotten wildly ripped off.

By the time I got back to the hotel I was pretty knackered. It’s the most exercise I’ve done since surgery, and I was also just hot and sweaty from being out. It’s so much hotter here than I’m used to. A good day overall though, I’m glad I did it, but I don’t think I’ll go out again. It’s all a bit too much for this small town introvert.

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟹𝟶, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

Day 14

I think I’ve started from a pretty good post-surgery base, so there’s not much visible progress. I didn’t really get any bruising. I do have some swelling in the center and on my right side, but it’s only really noticeable to me because I can see it from the top. You can’t really tell from the front or sides.

I’m getting the odd little tingle in various places across my chest that can feel a bit unsettling, but I know it’s just my body doing healing stuff. I can sleep on my side now with no trouble. I just have to be aware of how I’ve wrapped my binder, because if the velcro line is on the side I’m lying on it can sort of dig in uncomfortably.

My incisions wrap a fair way around my sides towards my back, but truly I do not mind at all. From the start I was never that worried about how the scars would look, I have plenty of other scars and marks that are part of me. They are all a part of my story, my history, part of what has shaped me into who I am. Even the ones that came from negative experiences, I have learned to accept and to love. Without them, I would be somebody different. And I’ve worked too hard to become who I am now to resent the things that have brought me here.

Woops, got onto a bit of a tangent there, sorry folks. The point is, these scars could be far worse and I would still be happy.

I will still do some scar care stuff though, I’m not sure what it will be yet. Just because I would be happy regardless doesn’t mean I won’t put some effort into reducing the ridge and helping it soften. I’ll probably wind up just massaging Bio Oil into them, but we’ll see.

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟸𝟿, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

I’ve spent most of today working on a university assignment. I’m working on it with one other person, and it’s the last piece of uni work I need to do to finish my degree. Once it’s submitted I’ll be done with uni, and I’ll never have to go back! I’m so ready to not have uni deadlines constantly looming over me.

Not much else to report, healing is progressing the same. Tomorrow is the two week mark! It’s flown by!

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟸𝟾, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

This morning the nurses removed the rest of the tape from my incisions. It was starting to come off by itself now that I’ve had a few showers, so it came off without any tugging. It was the first time we’ve been able to directly see the incisions, and they look pretty clean. The nurses are happy with them, and so am I. I was expecting them to look a little more... gnarly, I guess? To be more red, or wider, or more raised or something, I don’t know. But they’re just these clean lines, I’m so pleased.

I spent most of today drawing and watching Twitch. It’s really pleasant sitting in the sun in my room, I get all the happiness of feeling the sun on my skin while not overheating because the air conditioning is on 24/7. Sometimes it’s the little things.

It’s been almost 2 weeks since surgery. Time is doing that weird thing that happens when you have no schedule, I feel like I could’ve been in this hotel room for anywhere between 3 days and 3 months. But my chest feels perfect. This is right.

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟸𝟽, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

Look, not to be basic, but so far my favourite room service dinner has been the fish and chips. It’s delicious, don’t @ me.

Today has pretty much been for watching animated movies. They always make me happy, and that combined with how much I’m enjoying drawing is making the days pass pretty quick.

I’m a firm believer that one’s mental state has an impact on one’s physical state, so I’m trying to keep my mind happy and healthy so that my body has the easiest time healing. It’s still going pretty well, the tape is starting to come off from showering but the nurse said that my incisions are looking really good, and the drain wounds are healing up well.

I’m about half way through my trip now. Been here almost 2 weeks, with just under 2 weeks to go. I was a little worried about traveling back home, I wasn’t sure how difficult it would be after surgery, but with how smoothly things have gone so far I’m pretty confident that it’ll be all good. The one thing I might need help with is putting my bag in the overhead lockers on planes, but no doubt there will be some kind stranger in the vicinity to help if I ask nicely.

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟸𝟼, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

Today is Day 10.

Not that different from the Day 5 photo to be honest. Just less tape, no drains, and some marks from the binder. I’ve got a little bit of swelling in the center of my chest, and a bit towards the right, but I haven’t had very much at all.

I have had some tingling sensations that have been a little weird, presumably just from the nerves reconnecting and sorting themselves out. Feels a bit like sharp but brief pins and needles, not painful but not exactly pleasant.

Showering is the only time of day I don’t have to have my binder on, so I am absolutely relishing those brief periods of being able to see and touch my chest. It feels fantastic, I love my new shape, and I have absolutely zero regrets.

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟸𝟻, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

Finally allowed to shower!

The shower in my hotel room has really high pressure, so I had to be careful not to blast water directly onto any of my healing wounds, but my goodness it felt glorious to get properly clean!

The nurses put “waterproof” dressings over my drain site wounds, but they almost immediately came off when they got wet. I tried my best not to get them any more wet than necessary and made sure to dry them thoroughly afterwards, and they seem fine.

That was pretty much the highlight of my day, other than that I’ve just been drawing and watching stuff. Everything seems to be going pretty smoothly :)

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟸𝟺, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

The drains are out! I feel so free!

Still no showering until tomorrow to give the drain wounds time to close, but that’s okay! Being free of the drains is enough!

I was braced for the removal to be fairly painful, but it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as it could have been. The right side came out with a little tugging feeling but no pain. The left side hurt a bit, it felt like it was a bit stuck somehow, but once it started moving it came out as easy as the right.

After taking the drains out, the nurses took off most of the tape on my incisions and put antiseptic ointment along them. That part felt the weirdest, because the area right around the incisions is still pretty numb, so all I could feel was tugging from the tape and an uncomfortable pressure from the ointment swabs. Overall the whole thing went pretty smoothly.

I immediately took advantage of my newfound freedom to take a walk down to the nearby grocery store, and was promptly reminded that it’s stinking hot outside. Halfway back I was sick of it and looking forward to getting back to the room I’ve barely left for the last week. Story of my introverted life...

I’m really hoping the nurses come early tomorrow so that I have time to shower and go down to breakfast. I’ve felt too gross to take advantage of the hotel breakfast I’ve paid for, it’ll be nice to be able to go down and have a coffee and see who else is around.

And it’s my last day of antibiotics, which means I don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night anymore to take pills! It’s been a day for recovery milestones.

[in-mammoriam]

congrats on the top surgery friend! i'm in recovery myself from my own surgery on 10 oct. no nips club, w00t w00t!!! wishin you a speedy & uneventful recovery! 💙

Thank you so much for your kind words friend! Congrats on your surgery also! It's a pleasure to hear from a fellow no nips club member.

I hope your recovery is going smoothly, it sure can be a bumpy ride at times. It makes a difference knowing other people are going through the same thing, top surgery recovery squad unite 💙

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟸𝟹, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

The nurses changed my drain gauze again today. Makes me think that the nurses who were coming during the week should have been changing it, but oh well, no harm done. One more sleep and then these gross tubes will be out of me!

It’ll be nice to not have to sleep next to containers of blood anymore too.

Today was pretty chill. I drew for a while in the morning while I watched Twitch, and then JJ and I sat in the sun and played Breath of the Wild in the afternoon. The photo looks like JJ is in jail, but I swear it’s just the railing on the balcony.

Thailand is a bit too hot for me, but it was really nice to enjoy the sun from the comfort of my air conditioned hotel room so I didn’t get too hot. It’s also a nice change from the scorching New Zealand sun, which you can literally feel burning your skin within minutes, even though it’s not as hot there.

Healing seems to be chugging along nicely. I have no regrets opting out of the nipple grafts, I feel like I would be so stressed about them healing properly if I’d got them.

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟸𝟸, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

Today was a great day!

I managed to wash my hair this morning, by very carefully kneeling at the edge of the shower with my head bent and using the extendable shower head. I didn’t anticipate it making as big a difference as it did, but wow I felt so much better afterwards! It put me in a good mood for the rest of the day.

The nurses that came today were different, presumably because it’s the weekend. They changed the dressings around my drains for the first time, which I had wondered about. The nurses that have been so far hadn’t, and the gauze was a little gross. So that also helped me feel a lot cleaner!

They confirmed that there is no more fluid draining out, but I still have to wait until Monday to get them out.

And then this evening, some of my friends back home were having a get together to play Jackbox, and they streamed it just so I could join in! It was really nice of them, being in a foreign country for recovery can feel a little isolating, and it made me feel included and connected to them. It was also a blast, I enjoy the whole vibe of Jackbox so much.

Feeling good!

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟸𝟷, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

Today the nurses gave me permission to take my binder off long enough to gently wash my torso. So here I am! 5 days post op! Still sporting some vivid marks because I didn’t want to scrub too vigorously close to my incisions.

I have to keep the drains in for a few more days, and then I should be able to have a proper shower. I’ve never looked forward to a shower so much in my life.

The rest of today has also been great. I got back into drawing, messed around with some brushes and practiced some different styles. It felt really good, it’s been a while since I’ve had time to sit around and think about the things I like thinking about, rather than my next task for the day. Granted, surgery isn’t the most ideal situation in which to find all this free time, but we take what we can get.

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟷𝟿-𝟸𝟶, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

It’s been an uneventful few days.

The nurses come each day to check my drains and take my blood pressure and temperature. So far everything is fine, the amount of fluid draining is less each day. I can’t wait to get them out. I can wash well enough around my binder and drains, but nothing beats a shower.

They’re also just... real inconvenient. Having to carry them around with me makes everything slightly more difficult than it would otherwise be. Very much a first world problem to have, I know. It’s really not a big deal, and it’s only for a few more days.

I can still only sleep on my back, if I tilt too far to either side I start to feel an uncomfortable pressure at the sides of my chest. I also have to wake up every 6 hours to take medication, which is a bit of an interruption to sleeping. But on the plus side, I don’t exactly have anywhere to be, so I can sleep during the day whenever I get tired.

I’ve been entertaining myself by watching Twitch and Netflix, and playing some more Stardew Valley. I’ve had some more food delivered to the hotel lobby and managed to walk down to pick it up, which gets easier every day. There’s still a little tightness in my chest when I stand up straight, but that is easing as well. It’s hard to believe that it’s been less than a week.

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟷𝟾, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

Well, I'm two days post op, and originally this was supposed to be surgery day. Feeling good! Two nurses from the surgery centre came to check on me this morning, and when they took the binder off I got to see my chest for the first time! I'm so happy with it! I've been imagining what my chest might look like post op for years, but being able to really see it and touch it was incredible. It felt so right, like my chest is finally the shape its supposed to be. I got some food and drinks delivered to the hotel this morning, and i managed to walk down to the hotel lobby to pick it up without much fuss. The worst part is I don't want to gross other people out with my drains. The tubes are clear so you can see the red and yellow fluid going through them, and I have a little paper bag to carry around the little containers they drain into. It’s not super awful but it’s definitely not pleasant. So far I haven't really had any pain, which I'm so grateful for. I've read a lot of accounts of people who are in lots of pain for weeks after surgery, so i was prepared for it to be a lot worse. I’ve also read that getting the drains taken out can be very painful and unpleasant, so I still have that to look forward to. Physically, I feel pretty normal, aside from a slightly achy neck. I keep forgetting the drains are attached to me, which makes moving around a little awkward. And I don’t feel like I can completely stand up straight yet, it feels quite tight along my incisions, but I already feel like I can move more than I could yesterday. I feel like an old man when I walk anywhere, a bit hunched over, but I can move around in bed easier, and using my arms feels more normal. Mentally, I'm feeling pretty clear headed today. Yesterday I felt really tired and foggy, like I just needed to sleep. But today I've been watching Twitch and playing some Stardew Valley, and I feel a lot more engaged. I think having something to focus on like Stardew Valley is really helping, keeping my mind occupied while my body rests and recovers. I would love a shower, but it’s only a few more days, we can do this 💪

[in-mammoriam]

★ 𝙾𝚌𝚝 𝟷𝟽, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟸 ★

Spent my one night in WIH, and today I'm being discharged to go back to the hotel. The food here was pretty good, which isn't something I'd really thought about beforehand but I was pleasantly surprised about. The first thing I ate after surgery was this dumpling soup with some apple juice, and it was the best thing I’d ever tasted. Some nurses came to give me a sponge bath, which was nice patient care but I think I would've opted out of if I'd been asked. There's nothing quite like being naked and immobile on a hospital bed while a nurse rolls you over to clean you. It was only one night, I could've been dirty until I could wipe myself down at the hotel, y’know? It's also been weird having a catheter. I'm drinking all this water and then I just... don't need to pee. It's strange. Regarding my chest, I haven't seen it yet. It's still all bound up, so it still feels fairly bulky, but just knowing that the surgery is done and the tatas are gone makes me so happy. Looking down and seeing that my chest is flat (relatively, if you allow for swelling) feels so right. The doctor came to check me out and said I have to have the drains in for 5-7 days, then hopefully I'll be able to shower! Going more than a day without showering makes me feel pretty awful, although if that's the hardest part of recovery I'll count myself lucky.