Well, since I’m having a massive flare manifesting (at the moment) as the bone-itching urges, I guess I might as well turn it into something productive.
So, mostly for people who are trying to understand what it’s like living with ASPD more than people who know they have it, here’s the best description of it I can give - should be better than most of my previous attempts because it is currently all I can think about anyway!
In my experience, these urges are after things in one of three categories: impulsive, destructive, and disruptive. Note that these are just the categories I personally made up to help me understand what exactly my ASPD is after and how to explain it to my loved ones so they can get an idea of how to help.
Impulsive - Doing something, anything, *right now* with no planning, notice, or thought about it. No questions asked, let’s just go. These tend to be the least harmful and the easiest category to find replacement behaviors in. Examples (both of destructive behaviors and replacement behaviors) are unplanned road trips, large purchases, long/aimless walks, etc. Anything that causes a change in scenery tends to go here, as well as anything that very well *should* be planned out but isn’t.
Coping strategies that may help: If you have ASPD, sometime when you are calmest (maybe right after satisfying one of these urges so you know it won’t be coming again for a while) pack a bag of some kind to keep in your trunk or backseat with everything you might need for one of these including spare keys to your house if your area is safe to do that in/if your trunk locks separately from your car - because really, are you likely to remember them in the moment? - 2 phone chargers (just in case one breaks) with both a wall brick and a car charger, at least 1 set of spare clothes you don’t care about never wearing besides for this, travel shampoo, conditioner, soap, and toothpaste and a disposable toothbrush, at least a day’s worth of any medication you take, enough money to get any essentials but not so much that you mind if it gets lost or stolen - sweet spot of maybe like $20 to $30?, etc. Think “I have to spend a night in a hotel and can’t bring anything but my phone” because you know if you have to remember anything, you won’t and/or the replacement behavior won’t work. If your loved one has ASPD, I can’t speak for everyone, but I would *love* it if my partner did this for me so when I get impulsive we could just *go*. It might be best if you drive tho so they can crank up the music and enjoy the ride without the responsibility. Another would be to set aside some money separate from your normal savings just for this. Whilst it can make money tight and isn’t an option for everyone, it’s important to balance the burden of planning for money to be tight vs coming out of a flare realizing you spent rent money on a console/laptop/tablet/new phone/speaker system/etc.
Destructive - Breaking something, someone, or myself. These are the common ones you think of by the criteria; picking fights, breaking things, hurting yourself/others, sh and sui attempts, drvgs, drinking, smoking, gambling etc. If it can damage person or property, it tends to be in this category. In my experience the most dopamine comes from the first time you do these behaviors, so these things may seem super out of character for the person in question.
Coping strategies are hard to find with this category; really just lean into harm reduction vs stopping them. As much as it sucks, if you have a loved one with ASPD in your life and they are trying to do something destructive, you can’t just stop them unless you have a replacement behavior they seem into trying out in the moment. If you do, you’re pushing it in the direction of causing harm to you because we *need* to fill these urges somehow. I’m not saying just let them harm themselves or someone else - I’m saying reduce the harm as much as possible without taking the “fun” out of it because then it won’t work and the pwASPD will again be forced to find something else to fill this urge. For me, the longer the urges go on, the more intense the behavior has to be to work.
Disruptive - Doing or saying something that would warrant a “what the fuck?”. This includes breaking into abandoned places, lying for the hell of it, buying something you don’t even want or need, yelling in a quiet room, cheating, etc. If it causes a serious change in routine or subverts expectations, it tends to be in this category.
Coping strategies that may help: to be honest many of these don’t need a replacement behavior because many of them are a lil out there but aren’t really hurting anyone. If you see a pwASPD you care about playing Webkinz at 3AM trying to find out which swear words they can successfully name their pet, mind your business. If you do need to replace the behavior, though, lean into the idea of novelty. Is there a mall you’ve never been to around you and you have a bit of money to burn? Go check it out. Do you have a pool that you could swim in despite it being like 65 degrees (F) and raining (not storming)? Go for it. Does sleeping sound lame as hell, but sleeping on your dog’s bed sound more appealing? You got it dude. Wanna read a book upside down? I will be the first in line to tell you how awesome that is once you’re done. Pull a Joey from friends and see how many pairs of your underwear you can put on at once. Move all your furniture an inch to the left to mess with your roommate. This has a lot of overlap with advice I would give to pwADHD as well and a lot of it is basically chaotic neutral activities.
For me, my urges don’t always pick one category, sometimes anything from any one of these will help. However, I find it best to try and take the thing my ASPD wants to do (said thing is almost always a bad idea for one reason or another) and look to replace it within the same category. The only thing is that you want to have the ideas for this on deck for when the urges hit because if your brain has to come up with a replacement behavior in the moment, good ideas will become useless because it doesn’t *want* to replace the behavior, it wants to do it.
Again, these won’t all work for everyone, but they are at least how I experience my urges and tricks I use to keep them from getting the better of me. As always, ymmv and I do not take responsibility for anything that may come of how you choose to respond to your urges. Many things mentioned in here are examples to describe the urge, not suggestions, and therefore things that are illegal and/or dangerous have been mentioned. I do not advocate for anything illegal or dangerous. Still, I hope this helps someone.
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