“why wont my milk pour out”
(Source)
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@incorrect-lucifer-quote
“why wont my milk pour out”
(Source)
Lucifer: Z is just a sideways N.
Chloe: Can you please go to sleep is three am.
Lucifer: Zo.
Lucifer, leaving the doctor's office: I'm up to 198 pounds, so I'm going to eat two pounds of nacho slim jims and say I'm literally 1% nacho.
Chloe: You're literally 100% an idiot.
Lucifer: 99%.
Chloe:
Lucifer: 1% NaChO.
Maze: So you're in love with Chloe.
Lucifer, sweating: What? No, of course not!
Maze: Then why is this paper full of hearts that say L+C?
Lucifer: It stands for Loneliness and Chaos.
Eve: *Hands Maze a water bottle*
Maze, drinking it: Oh, thanks Eve! What's it for?
Eve: Well, Lucifer always says you get thirsty around me.
Maze: *Chokes on water*
Chloe: Lucifer, what did I say about drinking at work?
Lucifer: I know, calm down detective, it's just tea.
Chloe: I didn't know we had tea at the precinct... What kind?
Lucifer: Tea... Quila.
Lucifer: How many Linda's does it takes to change a lightbulb?
Amenadiel, exasperated: I don't know. How many?
Lucifer: Just one. The real question is how many ladders she'd need.
Eve: Wow your legs look great in those jeans.
Maze: You should see me without them.
Eve:
Maze:
Eve: Why would you take off your legs-
Dan, answering the phone: Yes?
Amenadiel: Hi Daniel, do you have $2500
Dan: Why do you need $2500?
Amenadiel: For an escape room.
Dan: Wha- What kind of escape room costs $2500?!
Amenadiel:
Amenadiel: Jail.
Lucifer: You're like school during summer, Daniel.
Dan: How so?
Lucifer: You have no class.
Lucifer, lying in bed seductively: Come on detective, I know you want to join me.
Chloe, sighing: Lucifer, put your shirt back on. We're in Ikea. People are staring.
Lucifer: uh... Maze? Why is Daniel crying on the floor?
Maze: He's drunk.
Lucifer: So what?
Maze: He saw a picture of Charlotte's boyfriend.
Lucifer: ... But he's Charlotte's boyfriend.
Maze: I know.
Lucifer: *wakes up next to Chloe everyday*
Lucifer softly, everyday: holy shit.
Lucifer: I fucking hate Pierce.
Chloe: Watch your language, there are children in the house.
Lucifer: Oh yeah, my bad.
Lucifer: I fucking hate-
Lucifer: *covers Trixie's ears*
Lucifer: Pierce.
[Lucifer and Dan arguing]
Lucifer: You know what, douche? There's an "u" in "stupid".
Dan: Oh yeah? Well, there's an "I" in stupid too!
Lucifer:
Dan:
Dan: No, wait-
Trixie: So. You are the Devil. Any other secrets I should know about?
Lucifer: I like your mom.
Trixie: I said secrets.