incorrect classic tv shows

i watch a lotta tv.

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Jeannie: Why do you go to work? Tony: They pay me a salary. Jeannie: I do not even like celery...

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Maxwell Smart: I have the sharpest memory! Name one time I forgot something. Larabee: You left me in a Walmart parking lot like, three weeks ago. Max: I did that on purpose, try again.

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Malcom Merriweather, to Opie: Why, compared to you I may seem like a barmy ol’ git now, but when I wasn’t so long in the tooth, I had some grand larks and engaged in a fair amount of derring-do. Barney: Translate? Andy: When he was younger, he did a bunch of stuff.

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Roger, when Tony won't let him use Jeannie to wish for money: I never thought I'd say this about my best friend, but you're a richist!

Tony: A what?

Roger: A richist! Someone who's prejudiced against rich people!

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99, on the phone: Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at a parent teacher conference.

99: Anyways, you said the twins are enjoying finger painting! That’s great.

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Jeannie: Wow, Master, a present? But I did not get you anything. I will make it up to you, I swear.

Tony: Jeannie, it’s your birthday.

Jeannie: Still.

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Emily: Has anyone ever told you you’re kind of a fuddy-duddy?

Bob: No one ever seems to tell me anything else.

Emily: Has anyone ever told you you’re kind of a sexy fuddy-duddy?

Bob: W-well, no, actually, that part usually gets left out,

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Barney: Did you separate the egg yolks from the egg whites?

Gomer: Yep! Here are the whites. I put the other part in the sink.

Barney: Those aren’t the whites! Those are the shells!

Gomer: And what color are they, Mr. Know-It-All?

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Mel: Buddy, I rebuke thee. I rebuke thee!

Buddy: Rebuke? Is that a word?

Mel: You have all invoked my fury! You will all pay recompense for your transgressions!

Buddy: What, you got like a word-a-day calendar or something?

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Max, to 99: You're a smart, savvy woman who could easily consider world domination for a next career move.

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Emily: I regret giving you a blender for Christmas.

Howard, drinking toast: Why?

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Gilligan: Oh my god, guys...Santa won’t be able to reach us this Christmas.

Professor: Eh, Gilligan...

Skipper: Professor, I know what you’re about to say and I’m going to stop you right there.

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Maxwell Smart: As a child, I thought it'd be important to establish secret code phrases with everyone I knew, in the event that I had to quickly distinguish them from their evil identical twin. Like if they're standing side by side both going "no I'M the real one!" and I have to decide which one to shoot. I'd just be like "oh yeah? what's the password!" and the impostor would go "ummm uhhhh" and my real friend would go "frog ball nine thousand" and I'd fucking blast the other guy away. Needless to say this has saved me countless times.

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the beginning of "Guess Who's Going to Be a Bride? Part 2"

Tony: I lost my girlfriend, Jeannie. Can you help find her?

Old Lady: What does she look like?

Tony, sobbing: Beautiful.

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Max: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with "C".

Siegfried: Let me guess: is it "corpse"?

Max: It was "cloud", actually.

Siegfried: Oh, darn. Close, but no cigar.

Max: There aren't even any corpses in here.

Siegfried: Give it time.

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Mr. Howell: It appears what we have is a classic whodunit.

Professor: The phrase "whodunit" is a grammatical abomination. Please, use the proper term, a "who has done this."

Mr. Howell: I will not.

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*phone rings*

Bob: [picks up phone]

Bob: Hello?

Bob: M-Mr. Carlin? What are you doing?

Bob: [repeating] "Making chocolate pudding."

Bob: It’s-it’s 4:00 in the morning, why on earth a-are you making pudding?

Bob: [repeating] "Because you’ve lost control of your life."