Incorrect Shobbs

Main: literallyeverythingandeverything Sometimes I write: ao3

[omnivorousshipper]

Deckard: Mr. Nobody always accuses me of having a favorite person on the team

Deckard: That’s not true. I love Luke and non-Lukes equally

[omnivorousshipper]

Hattie: Oh, are you done writing your speech for Deck and Luke’s wedding?

Owen: Yep

Hattie: That’s just one sentence

Owen: It’s prefect

Hattie *reading aloud*: “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”

[incorrectshobbs]

Luke: We’re friends. I was building up to calling you D-Dog one of these days.

Deckard: That will never happen. In fact, you’ve lost you “Deckard” privileges. From now on you can call me “Shaw” or “Hey you.”

Luke: C’mon, Deckard.

Deckard:

Luke: C’mon, hey you.

[incorrectshobbs]

Luke: So, what did you get me for Christmas, Princess?

Deckard: The gift of me tolerating you.

[incorrectshobbs]

Deckard: Is there no way to get rid of Hobbs?

Hattie: Not without cause.

Deckard: I have cause; it’s because I hate him.

[incorrectshobbs]

Deckard: If things go wrong, I just want you to kno—

Luke: If you’re going to say you’ve always been secretly gay for me, everyone just kind of assumed it.

[incorrectshobbs]

Deckard: That was my sarcastic voice.

Luke: Y’know, it sounds a lot like your normal voice.

Deckard: I’ve been told that.

[incorrectshobbs]

Deckard, mumbling: You look nice. I want to kiss you.

Luke: What?

Deckard, normally: I said if you died I wouldn’t miss you.

[incorrectshobbs]

Hattie: Deck, why are you holding Hobbs’ hand?

Deckard: Holding hands relieves stress and provides comfort.

Hattie: Oh, I thought you were dating or something.

Deckard: We are; I thought that part was obvious.

[omnivorousshipper]

Luke: I bet you haven't done a single good deed today

Deckard: That's not true. In fact, just this morning, I prevented a murder!

Luke: How did you manage that?

Deckard: Self-control

[incorrectshobbs]

Hattie: Hey Deck, are you free on Friday, around 8pm?

Deckard: Yes?

Hattie: What about you, Luke?

Luke: Yeah, I am.

Hattie: Great! Because I’m not. You two go without me. Enjoy your date.

Deckard: Did she just—

[incorrectshobbs]

Deckard: Don’t look at me with that face.

Luke: It’s the only face I have.

[incorrectshobbs]

Deckard: *coughs violently*

Luke: Don’t die.

Deckard: Don’t tell me what to do.

[incorrectshobbs]

Luke: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.

Deckard: No, they’re not. They’re ugly and stupid and delicious.

[incorrectshobbs]

Luke: Hold on, you died.

Deckard: Yeah, well it didn’t stick.

[incorrectshobbs]

[Airport]

Deckard: Hobbs, it’s over 3 ounces. Just let it go—

Luke: I’m not going anywhere until this tsa fucker explains to me how I’m gonna hijack the plane with my baby oil.

[incorrectshobbs]

Dom: So, what’s going on with you and Shaw?

Luke, sighing: It’s complicated.

Luke:

Luke: Actually, no. It’s not. It’s just fucking annoying.