Diego, age 7: What do you mean a midnight snack? You mean you woke up at MIDNIGHT just to eat?
Diego, age 29: h
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@incorrectumbrellaacad
Diego, age 7: What do you mean a midnight snack? You mean you woke up at MIDNIGHT just to eat?
Diego, age 29: h
Dentist: Open up please
Klaus: Sometimes I get sad
Five, entering the room angrily: WHY ARENT THE PLATES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?!
Diego: What the fuck does that even MEAN
Reaper: I have come to take you.
Diego: Hold up let me ask my mom
Reaper: It’s not a choice-
Diego: She said no.
Klaus: I have my life under control
Klaus: Haha, April fools. I feel absolutely awful and my life is pure chaos.
Out of curiosity do you take submissions?
Yes I do!! Feel free to send in anything and I’ll try my best to work with it!!
[Klaus & Dave’s first date]:
Klaus: Well my name is ‘Klaus’ with a ‘b’ and I’ve been afraid of insects my entire-
Dave: Stop, stop, stop. Where?
Klaus: Where what?
Dave: Where’s the ‘b’?
Klaus: ᵀʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵇᵉᵉˀ
[Klaus on America’s Got Talent]:
Howie: Tell us about yourself, Klaus.
Klaus: I’m a recovering drug addict and I lost my boyfriend in the Vietnam War and my dad mentally abused me as a child.
Howie: Wow, you’re so brave. What’s your talent?
Klaus: I juggle plates with my ass cheeks
Diego: Did you hear that? It sounded like... despair.
Vanya: It was probably me.
Diego: No, not bitterness, despair.
Klaus: I ain’t talking.
Cha Cha: We have ways of making people talk.
[Hazel cuts a piece of cake]
Klaus: Can I have some?
Cha Cha: Cake is for talkers.
Dave: Hey Klaus, what color are my eyes?
Klaus: The color of the calmest ocean after a brutal storm. A clear sky after a hurricane.
Dave: What?
Klaus: I said blue.
Luther, during the apocalypse: I lost Vanya!
Five: How did you lose Vanya?
Luther: Give me a break, she’s like two inches tall.
Diego: Doesn’t the term ‘staff member’ make you laugh because those two words both mean penis
Five: You really didn’t have to say that, you know.
I started this blog like three days ago and I’m already at 350 followers and it’s going up fast that’s so wild
Vanya: What are you doing?
Klaus: I’m getting dressed.
Vanya: Why?
Klaus: Because when I go outside naked, people throw food at me
Klaus: You know it’s hard to be a single teen mother when you’re an adult male with no kids.
The Handler: Hey Paul!
Cha Cha: Did she just call you Paul?
Hazel: Yeah, she thinks that’s my name.
Cha Cha: Well why don’t you correct her?
Hazel: Oh it’s gone on way too long now. The first time she said it was just in passing so I didn’t say anything. And the next time she said, ‘Hey Paul, want a donut?’ And, well, I wanted a donut.
Cha Cha: ...
Hazel: And now it’s five years later, the donut’s gone, and I’m still Paul.