Incorrect Umbrella Academy

The Hargreeves, at some point, probably.

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Diego, age 7: What do you mean a midnight snack? You mean you woke up at MIDNIGHT just to eat?

Diego, age 29: h

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Dentist: Open up please

Klaus: Sometimes I get sad

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Five, entering the room angrily: WHY ARENT THE PLATES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?!

Diego: What the fuck does that even MEAN

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Reaper: I have come to take you.

Diego: Hold up let me ask my mom

Reaper: It’s not a choice-

Diego: She said no.

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Klaus: I have my life under control

Klaus: Haha, April fools. I feel absolutely awful and my life is pure chaos.

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Out of curiosity do you take submissions?

Yes I do!! Feel free to send in anything and I’ll try my best to work with it!!

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[Klaus & Dave’s first date]:

Klaus: Well my name is ‘Klaus’ with a ‘b’ and I’ve been afraid of insects my entire-

Dave: Stop, stop, stop. Where?

Klaus: Where what?

Dave: Where’s the ‘b’?

Klaus: ᵀʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵇᵉᵉˀ

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[Klaus on America’s Got Talent]:

Howie: Tell us about yourself, Klaus.

Klaus: I’m a recovering drug addict and I lost my boyfriend in the Vietnam War and my dad mentally abused me as a child.

Howie: Wow, you’re so brave. What’s your talent?

Klaus: I juggle plates with my ass cheeks

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Diego: Did you hear that? It sounded like... despair.

Vanya: It was probably me.

Diego: No, not bitterness, despair.

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Klaus: I ain’t talking.

Cha Cha: We have ways of making people talk.

[Hazel cuts a piece of cake]

Klaus: Can I have some?

Cha Cha: Cake is for talkers.

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Dave: Hey Klaus, what color are my eyes?

Klaus: The color of the calmest ocean after a brutal storm. A clear sky after a hurricane.

Dave: What?

Klaus: I said blue.

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Luther, during the apocalypse: I lost Vanya!

Five: How did you lose Vanya?

Luther: Give me a break, she’s like two inches tall.

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Diego: Doesn’t the term ‘staff member’ make you laugh because those two words both mean penis

Five: You really didn’t have to say that, you know.

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I started this blog like three days ago and I’m already at 350 followers and it’s going up fast that’s so wild

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Vanya: What are you doing?

Klaus: I’m getting dressed.

Vanya: Why?

Klaus: Because when I go outside naked, people throw food at me

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Klaus: You know it’s hard to be a single teen mother when you’re an adult male with no kids.

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The Handler: Hey Paul!

Cha Cha: Did she just call you Paul?

Hazel: Yeah, she thinks that’s my name.

Cha Cha: Well why don’t you correct her?

Hazel: Oh it’s gone on way too long now. The first time she said it was just in passing so I didn’t say anything. And the next time she said, ‘Hey Paul, want a donut?’ And, well, I wanted a donut.

Cha Cha: ...

Hazel: And now it’s five years later, the donut’s gone, and I’m still Paul.