Indi-glo Archive @indi-glo-archive - Tumblr Blog

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#i realize this is just a reblogging blog and probably won't attract any new people #but just in case

it feels kind of dramatic to write a big essay with a title and stuff, but I'm officially leaving this account :)

@cookies675 has volunteered to take ownership of the archive and my spot on the confessions blog, so everything will stay up, but i won't be posting anymore.

i'm too busy for fandom stuff these days and there's other discourse on other sides of tumblr that's getting to be too much for me. I'd rather just focus on my real life instead of letting all this bother me, sooo... i'm out :)

#very bittersweet. i did some of my best hating here. this was like a whole era #this blog sparked my interest in media analysis <3 and my knowledge of racism #which is a blessing and a curse. what if i'd remained a pushover for white people my whole life. horrifying stuff #getting cyberbullied and realizing racism is that much of a thing wasn't great but writing is fun! so there's that!#anyways. i don't really know what to say. i'm not great with endings. why do you think this archive blog exists in the first place #i feel like i should say thanks but i'm not sure what for. idk #um... bye

i think the thing people miss about Ben is that "bad" people have feelings too

#a lot of people are very against the idea that he actually likes Charlie #it has to just be sexual attraction #which. we could have a separate conversation about how these people see sexual attraction as less pure/valuable than romantic #and think 'bad' people can only feel the 'bad' and inherently pervy sexual attraction #but like. why is that. why can't Ben feel romantic attraction. why does it have to be 'shallow'

you know, I'm willing to accept that not everyone has the same Ben headcanon that I do. A lot of people definitely do have a much more malicious reading for ableist/homophobic reasons, but like. If I think of my reading as an intentionally generous one to counteract the homophobic/ableist default Alice created, I can accept other ones

#like. i went to the whole other extreme bc i don't like alice's narrative and i do like when fucked up ppl have soft sides #but if someone thinks past alice's narrative but just doesn't go as far as i did that's fine actually #i didn't think it was fine previously. probably bc i was a literal teenager getting cyberbullied #but look at me now. growing and maturing. but never forgetting or forgiving. fuck y'all into perpetuity #and not in the fun way

”you’ve never been bullied and it shows” you’ve never been emotionally abused by your parents and it shows

#in multiple fandoms people just. don’t care about familial abuse or familial mistreatment #bc ‘yeah you’re struggling but it’s not an excuse’ and you don’t know how bad that struggle is #or how much it genuinely fucks with you. your parents are your parents man. they teach you *everything*#it’s nearly impossible to get out of that when you’re as isolated as ben is. i have no idea how i did it myself #or ‘but they’re your family!’ and like. family means nothing. genuinely they are just people #acting like familial relationships are special and you should just let yourself get abused by shitty people is A Problem #if you like your family great. but when there’s a family relationship #and you refuse to see how one person is being unfairly treated bc they’re family and sacrificed so much!#^ sara young royals btw #why are you pushing the nuclear family on others ‘progressive’ white queer. what’s your deal #this is based on an ask i got. by the way. i got this ask when i was running indi-glo #as a victim of still-ongoing child abuse for my entire life. fucking jackass

ppl will see the most emotionally deficient anxious/abused-to-the-point-of-psychosis individuals and say "this is an emotionally manipulative evil genius"

#yes this is an actual post i saw!#say you don't know how to deal with disabled people you can't infantilize #or for whom you don't get an explanation you deem satisfactory without saying it #i still don't know if i'd say ben has clinical psychosis symptoms. by psychosis i mean a subcategory of psychosis #i feel like at best he's on the edge of developing psychosis. and charlie doing whatever that was in 'sorry'#either pushed him over it or helped him back #cuz see it could be an 'everyone hates me and no one's ever cared about me not even the one person i care about #and everyone just wants to stab me in the back and i should never get close to anyone again' situation #but he could also like. try to get his shit together #which honestly feels unlikely with what charlie said. i don't think any of that was even a little bit constructive #or applicable to ben's present day life actually #he *was* getting better for charlie. so there was that. but idk if that's going to continue without charlie #maybe eventually. but maybe he'll end up psychotic first and then get better not for charlie. bc fuck charlie

me still being on tumblr is like. i think i got so used to suffering that i just do it for no reason now

The kinds of things the Heartstopper and Young Royals fandoms put me through as a child were genuinely so fucked, and the only reason I didn't bat an eye was because I'd already developed dissociative disorders from my other child abuse (shoutout to the person who told me it was obvious I'd never been bullied bc I sympathized with a fictional fellow victim!).

People called me woke trash, racist, and repeatedly accused me of being an abuse/rape apologist for pointing out flaws and being able to put myself in characters' shoes (AKA write good analysis?). I got hate asks on a regular basis, people coming into my inbox just to tell me how much they hated characters I related to, trying to convince me that these characters, that people like me, are the scum of the earth because our trauma responses aren't palatable enough for them.

These are people who straight up do not give a fuck about child abuse if the child doesn't respond to it in a way they're comfortable with. These are people who will demonize abuse victims and make joking death threats about teenagers whose lives are implied to be in active danger. These are people who dismissed every one of my attempts to bring up racism and ableism in these shows because they were so fucking fragile and terrified of acknowledging their own imperfections. They attacked me for noticing and added to the racism and ableism I had to deal with instead of sucking it up and learning something.

And I know that this had a real impact on people who weren't me and didn't have my kind of armor because I also had people in my inbox who related to them like I did. I had adults agreeing that if they'd encountered these fandoms when they were younger, it would've made them suicidal. I had teenagers who related to the characters saying that they had been similarly abused. I'm really glad I was able to be a safe person for them, and I'm disappointed that I was one of the only ones there to do it when there are so many so-called "allies" here.

There is something seriously fucking wrong with these fandoms, and you all should be ashamed of yourself for cyberbullying teenagers off the internet. You need to reflect on that shit and fix it if you want to consider yourself any kind of ally or empath or cool gay teacher or any kind of positive influence in the spaces you’re in

(P.S. I swear to fucking god if people respond to this post with "but he sexually assaulted someone" and ignore literally every other personality trait/experience he had that could've been relatable to a child abuse survivor and the way people mistreated me, a real human being, which Charlie is not by the way, I will start doing the things you wanted to do to Ben)

#heartstopper #young royals #ben hope #sara eriksson #all the black characters in heartstopper. i'm not tagging all that #fandom #<- we all know damn well this isn't unique to my fandoms #i'm generally against guilt tripping these days but i feel like this is just something you should feel guilty about #i don't think i've ever been as angry about this as i deserved to be #i was trying to be nice so people would maybe listen but fuck y'all for real #the fact that i logged on and submitted myself to this regularly for free is just. give that guy an intervention #but also that shouldn't have been a thing happening to me regularly in the first place. fuck y'all for real the second #i wonder if they'll take more of a step back and say 'hey what the hell' if they realize they're treating real people like that #not just fictional characters #although honestly i don't think a lot of these people see me as human #not just in the vague internet entity sense but they dehumanize people they don't like #so it might not be that effective. guess what i want to say for the third time.#also feel free to reblog this. just so we're clear. idc i'm still emotionally detached from this so it feels less like vent post #edit: heyyy so I’m probably deactivating soon. clearing out my drafts and would like to get this into the world before i go #this is the angry version of that one post i did. which is why the P.S. is the same if you recognize it

hear me out on this: people responding to loveless people with "but you, like, love your family/friends, right?" reminds me of when I say Heartstopper's super racist and ableist and people ask "but you like the show, right?"

#in both cases it's about bigotry and fighting bigotry and people are making about their comfort #they're trying to hang onto the last piece of something they relate to #no i don't have to like the show that calls me 10 different slurs for no reason. shut the fuck up #no loveless people don't have to love anyone. shut the fuck up #it's people not stopping to think about what i'm saying or what they're about to say #as if me not liking the show makes me wrong. no bitch i know what i'm talking about #what kinda “just a hater” hater watches the show 50 times to go through the ways in which it is bigoted #nigga what. common sense #what kinda “actually loves people” loveless person calls themselves loveless without deciding they don't need love #the whole point of lovelessness is that it's a combination identity and political statement #to go against society's emphasis on love. and your response is 'but you DO love people'#learn what the fuck we're talking about before countering with unnecessary nonsense #gee my tone is aggressive here. i'm not that pissed off but i'm also not editing this

I like s2 Ben a lot bc even though Charlie treated him like shit in their relationship/breakup he’s still so protective of him. Most of his beef with Nick is just because he doesn’t think Nick is good enough for him. He’s even willing to oh-so-selflessly steal him back. for Charlie’s sake, of course.

#S2 BEN MEANS THE WORLD TO ME #he cares so much in his own deeply fucked up way it’s beautiful

”Ben could have chosen to be better” that boy is getting abused

#not to take agency away from abuse victims but like. if the only time you give them agency is to avoid showing compassion #you’re doing it wrong

and the worst part is that they fucking love each other right. but they also don't actually love each other. they love the idea of each other, what they did for each other, but they don't even know each other as people, so how could they possibly love each other?

#their relationship is also a tragedy in a way #nick and charlie's that is. not to be confused with ben and charlie. ig this works for both actually. slay #i <3 calling things tragedies when nobody dies #you know who dies? love. love is losing here. which is sad enough for me

Primink's latest video about internet sweetheart going "because it's all fake, he's creating these narratives, which makes the way he portrays certain groups seem malicious" >>>

#sorry but every time i see someone understand basic media literacy concepts i have to complain on tumblr about it #do we think all those 25-year-olds who didn't seem to get this were being serious or willfully ignorant #i have media literacy but idk how to deal with people. but they had to know right. like logically you can't... live like that. right?#willful ignorance so you don't have to acknowledge your flaws makes more sense i think.#yknow this actually makes me feel better about being on tumblr as a whole. i'm not deactivating anymore #i was like. seriously going to deactivate once my other fandom queue runs out but maybe i won't actually #they're all just being dicks on purpose! i don't have to try to fix anybody! they're loser assholes! yahoo!!#enjoy the other drafts i queued bc i thought i was deactivating :)

i think the issue with ship discourse is that a lot of people only want to talk about sex negative or positive they are. so when someone brings up the actual implications of media and how it's consumed in terms of bigotry or how it impacts how society views certain groups people immediately start having two different conversations

#if we’re going to make ship discourse all about sex we can’t talk about other forms of bigotry the same way as ship discourse #either we broaden the definition of ship discourse or we start taking those other conversations as their own thing #or we ditch ship discourse as a concept. take all conversations at face value. and just talk about sex as its own thing

"why am i like this" but it's continually trying to have serious discussions about racism and ableism in fandom spaces

#i genuinely don't know what's wrong with me. it's gotta be something #i mean not really. the thing wrong with me is that i'm black and disabled i don't just forget all that the second i log into tumblr #which is unfortunate bc it'd make this place a lot more bearable. and i'm not just talking about the fandom parts

metanarrates

do not. respond to my doylist criticism with a watsonian explanation.

revui

just because i don't see an explanation in the notes yet

'Doylist' and 'Watsonian' are basically two different lenses to use when analyzing a story. A Watsonian approach comes from within the story, exploring and explaining it in the way a character would in-universe, hence the name referencing John Watson. Doylist (as in Arthur Conan Doyle) is analysis from an outside perspective, treating the story as a story written by someone and focusing on more meta aspects.

If someone asks, "Why did [Character X] say [Y]," a Watsonian explanation would focus on the in-universe factors: the character's backstory, motive, personality, beliefs, and so on, all things that someone within the story could perceive. A Doylist explanation might focus on thematic relevance and highlight authorial intent; why did the author choose to write that?

Both forms of analysis are valuable, and ideally, a story should hold up to both internal and external scrutiny, and those analyzing a story should recognize and use both perspectives. The reason a Watsonian explanation can't be used to counter a Doylist critique (per the original post) is that it fails to recognize the core of the critique. A post about how strange it is that an author chose to write something a certain way cannot be countered by providing the in-universe explanation, because those are the exact choices the Doylist lens is criticizing. In the same sense, you can't counter a Watsonian critique by explaining authorial intent or some such. (Authorial intent is not authorial success.)

🫁

transastronautistic

ID: grainy image of a white woman glaring at someone in a beanie and hoodie who has their back to the viewer

hey but isn’t it wild how Charlie’s anger is only ever 1) righteous (parents/homophobes) or 2) a symptom

#i feel like we could represent anger as a more valuable feeling than that. anger isn't morally bad tf #also! why is it ok when Charlie lashes out at Nick but not when Ben lashes out at Charlie!#obviously Ben’s a bit more emotionally repressed but they are not *that* different #Ben does it and he needs to get hit by a truck. Charlie does it and that’s not really him! he’s an uwu bean cinnamon roll!!#and for the record the way both of them are treated is ableist #charlie is getting infantilized and ben is getting demonized but it's ableism both ways #i just want to draw attention to how arbitrary the line between good and bad disabled are here

marisatomay

People will claim to be a fan of some thing and then hate all of the themes and motifs and story lines and plot lines and protagonists and antagonists like man I don’t think that you actually like it here

professionalchaoticdumbass

i knew this screenshot would come in handy

#and that's on deactivating soon

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