The story of how RuPaul asked Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 (from the planet glamtron) to be on allstars
in honor of the win, I share with you this iconic story, written by my sister.
Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 wakes up to a chilly Monday morning.
The only reason she’s jolted into reality, taken from dreams about smol dogs and those little toquitos, is because she must have unconsciously rubbed her eyes. Her sleep-addled brain must not take into account her long, sharp nails. She pokes herself right in the eye.
“Hiiiiieee,” she says sleepily like she does every morning to herself, similar to a devout person would pray. “That hurt.”
Sitting up, she realizes she must have fallen asleep while making her new dress. Half of it is still stuck to her, duct tape and trash bags contrasting her pale, sickly skin.
“This is not good,” she mutters slowly, in her monotone drawl. “I’ll still look sickening.”
Alaska finally gets out of bed once she has managed to undo the duct tape from herself. She picks up her phone and tries to check her email. There’s a problem, though, her nails are so long she can’t do anything except maybe pick a lock or compete for longest nails in Ripley’s Believe it or Not book.
She gives up, humming the lines to her hit song “Best Night Ever” even if all she did last night was watch herself on RuPaul’s Drag Race (to find her new strategy for allstars) and eat those little mini brownie bites.In the bathroom she looks into the mirror with a big smile on her face.
She poofs her hair and goes, “This is my hair, I don’t wear wigs,” and then, “This is—a brownie?” Turns out a piece of brownies got stuck in her big rat nest hair. She tries to weigh the pros and cons of eating it, but eventually decides to. Her hair is clean. Her hair is real.
In the kitchen she makes tea for herself and flips through a fashion magazine. Once the tea is done, she carefully pours it into a pristine china cup and then places it on the table, a respectable distance from her magazine. Then, abruptly getting up, she knocks her elbow against it, all of the tea spilling on the table and then dripping onto the floor.
Alaska turns to the camera and smiles. “Oops, looks like I spilled the tea.”
“Yaasssss!”Alaska nearly screams when she hears it, but she knows that voice. In the threshold, there is RuPaul himself. He looks great except for the suit he’s in has a cheetah pattern.
Alaska turns to the camera again and just shakes her head, and then, “Ru, you look faboo!” Again, she shakes her head at the camera. Cheetah print is hideous, but Alaska needs to be on allstars.
“Thanks, Lasky,” Ru says. “So, I just came over here to ask you an important question.”
This was it. This was when Ru was going to ask Alaska if she wanted to be on allstars. Alaska knew she could do it. She could prove to be the best drag queen there ever was on that show.
“And I know you have a very tight schedule, what with your flourishing career,” Ru continued.Alaska was breathing so heavy at this point, like those dogs with the flat faces who live in humid climates or a little fat girl upon walking into an Arbys. God, Alaska loves Arbys.
“I just wanted to ask you…” He was taking forever to spit it out.
“Yes, I’ll be on –“
“If you can give me Sharon Needles number. I want her to be on allstars.”Alaska brought her hand to her heart as if she had been shot.
“Excuse me?”
“I know you dated her.” He looked to the camera, “We all knew.” Back to Alaska. “But I was wondering if you could hook me up.”
Right before Alaska was about to rip this guy a new one (with her nails clearly) he goes, “I’m kidding, you biatchhhhh!”
Firstly, all Alaska could think was ‘That’s going on your fave is problematic, Ru’ and then out loud she muses, “Cheetah print is last season.”
“Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 from the planet Glamtron, do you want to be on the allstars season?”
Alaska, slowly putting on her American Appearl sunglasses (because, as you all know, she is a spokesperson for the brand), in her nasally voice goes, “Fuck yeah.”
