These Feelings Shall Pass

Tash. 18. Pro-recovery. Lesbian.

[stress-edout]

New video on my channel!

[inespert0]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[inespert0]

how much did it took you to lose all the weight? what did you do to lose it?

I have an eating disorder please leave

[inespert0]

Venting

*trigger warning*

I found a pre ed picture, or so I think. I was 13 here and I think I started losing a bit of weight when I was 12 but there’s no other full body pictures of me so this will have to do. I’m confused as to why I thought I was fat or had to lose weight in the first place. I remember this night as I went to a fancy dress party as a jockey and I was overtaken by anxiety, wouldn’t dance and just sat in a corner all night almost in tears only to go home and cry myself to sleep. This 13 year old was getting beat up everyday, had no friends and had no family that understood so to some extent I guess the weight loss had nothing to do with how I looked and more to do with self punishment as I thought these things happening to me was my fault.

Anyway I told my camhs team I was suicidal and they’ve asked me to hand my pills over but I refused. They were proud because they had no idea I’d overdosed a little while ago (a few times but whatever) lol. They’re worried I’m going to again but who cares honestly, I’ll be fine. What’s killing me right now is looking at that picture because I’ve let that child down so much and I feel incredibly guilty. I didn’t realise how much losing weight would ruin everything and I’m beginning to realise I’m just a burden on everyone. My dad told me my parents problems were my fault and I didn’t believe him but now I do. I get called lazy everyday to the point where I go out everyday and now to the gym twice a week just so please him and make him think I’m not lazy. Earlier he told me ‘If you’re trying to commit suicide at least do it right’ when I chocked on my dinner (well done me) and it made me think a lot. These were the ‘harmless’ little comments that made me become mentally ill in the first place and it’s still happening. I’ve told my mum that if I’m not out of this house soon I’ll completely lose it because I can’t take it anymore.

So this is me now and I just feel disgusting. I keep binging/purging and restricting. I’m so close to giving up. So. Damn. Close. After the festival on the 7th I’m terrified for/of myself.

Once again I’m lost and confused. What’s new.

[inespert0]

I felt body positive for the first time in FOREVER today! Our bodies are beautiful regardless of scars, stretch marks, colour, fat, muscle, acne etc We all need more self love and I’m spreading that love :) I’ve put my body through so much and I’m so thankful to still be standing strong

I’m wearing the same amount of clothes as a bikini picture don’t shit yourself okay

[missbrigittebardot]

[tamburina-deactivated20220820]

Brigitte Bardot & Jacques Charrier on their honeymoon, 1959

[skeletaltales]

Ophélie Guillermand @ Marylin Paris

[senyahearts]

Shu-Pei Qin @ Next Models in “Diversity Rules”

Photographed by: Steven Yatsko for Models.com

[vogue-at-heart]

Hailey Clauson at Coachella Music Festival 2016

[lovedbydaisy]

Guinevere Van Seenus by Matteo Montanari for Self Service spring / summer 2016

See more

[br-e-a-t-h-l-e-s-s]

[skeletaltales]

Lada @ Traffic

[forthosewhocravefashion]

[girlfrommath]

[neavebozorgi]

[vogue-at-heart]

Martha Hunt, Elsa Hosk, Romee Strijd, Stella Maxwell, Jasmine Tookes, Sara Sampaio & Taylor Hill in “Celestial Creatures” for Vogue Spain, May 2016

Photographed by David Bellemere

[inespert0]

I felt body positive for the first time in FOREVER today! Our bodies are beautiful regardless of scars, stretch marks, colour, fat, muscle, acne etc We all need more self love and I’m spreading that love :) I’ve put my body through so much and I’m so thankful to still be standing strong

I’m wearing the same amount of clothes as a bikini picture don’t shit yourself okay

[inmysecretessence]

http://inmysecretessence.tumblr.com/ * 25.02.16 *

Model : Eva Herzigova . Photographer : Mikael Jasson  Vogue Paris March 2016