Unfiltered

Still figuring shit out

[thoughtkick]

“Maybe it won’t work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever.”

— Unknown

[vexheart]

Reminder

[inmemoryofvanity]

He's so sweet to me. Yesterday we got into an argument, because I asked what he was going to do on a specific day and he said he was going to the moon. So the day passes, and i only reply 'noted'. I know, sounds petty. It is, but I didn't like that response- I expressed that. I also ended the night early. We didn't talk further and that was that. Oh yes he also apologized.

The next day, he brought it up. We spoke about it. I apologized for shutting down. We prayed. It was sweet, it was different.

I like him.

This might be different.

[inmemoryofvanity]

We officially had the break up conversation on Easter Sunday. It's now a month + later. The wounds are slowly healing over, scabbing up. Some days I absolutely resent him, with everything in my body, other days I have a weird longing for him. Comfort at the thought of him. Like a drug, I have to go through this withdraw period. Soon it won't feel like this.

The fun part about a blog is, I can look back at other relationships- Time period where I pedestalize a different man. To not see this pattern of, holding someone to the highest esteem- they disappointment, don't choose me, or betray me- then I'm shattered for a period of time. After I heal, I always manage to maintain the oddest relationship. Pseudo friendship of sorts. I'm not sure why I do that, or why that happens.

[lovetapped]

[inmemoryofvanity]

Forgiving myself over and over and over again. For keeping myself in a position that hurt, all to be loved by someone who is incapable. Im just tired, I've been reading my blog entries and it's been the same issue for years. Something gotta give....

[inmemoryofvanity]

Reading my blog back to myself, scares me. Last year around this time, I experienced the same heart break with the same person for the same reasons. Nothing changed. We had moments of closeness, 10 days of sex, dates, cereal and games. Just to be back in this loop 5 months later. I've wasted so much time on him, going back to hope things would be different. He would finally see me and choose me. But he didn't time and time again. I lost dignity every time, I feel ashamed and resentful.

Patiently waiting on forgiveness so I can let go. But I almost want to stay angry to avoid the loop again and again and again.

[inmemoryofvanity]

Final thoughts for Feb 17 2025

You lost my trust that's the biggest thing. You had it and as you made unfulfilled promises you lost increments of trust. As you showed up one week and went missing for two, more trust was lost for you. Your not someone I can count on. You fulfill what benefits you. Your self serving, even when you do good for others it's to validate you. Maybe that's everyone though, so I'll cut you some slack as I strangle the virtue I saw in you. But your really not that guy, and I'm realizing this. Im evicting you from the pedestal you never deserved. Your lazy, and love has come so easy for you it seems. I hope it continues to overflow for you, so much that it slips through your fingers unable to grasp it or experience the fake fantasies you sold me on and probably many others. I don't wish you bad, but I don't have to witness you do good. So I'll exit and chalk this up to a lesson i needed. Stop digesting the shit these men feed you, they do it for access, and once they get their fill their out. How many tears will I cry till I truly learn. It's tiring to love flighty people. Untrustworthy and undeserving people. Your lack of effort left me empty. Your inconsistency has me confused af. I don't like it here and I refuse to be here again.

[inmemoryofvanity]

And atlas, I returned. Time and time again.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Traci Brimhall, Dear Eros

[inmemoryofvanity]

Imagine staring at someone, and loving every part of them. Wanting to just be in their presence fulfils you in ways you can't even understand enough to describe. It's kinda scary how intense these feelings can get. I loved on every part of him, wanting to be closer than skin to skin. Soul to Soul, sleeping with him- was enough to fill me. I love him so much, I wish he understood and wanted it in the way I wish he would.

The love I have for him, the admiration, the attraction. I don't think I ever felt this way for anyone else. I want his children, that would be such an honour to bring mini hims into this world with sprinkles of me. Besides his awesome genes, these kids would be so blessed to have a father like him. I'm proud of him in so many ways, he's done so much in his lifespan already, and he's not done.

All the best to you,

from the girl that'll love you from a distance.

[inmemoryofvanity]

Kinda scary how much I loved him... love him?

April 2026. Its over and my heart aches at how lost in him i really was. So lost in him that I lost myself.

[matchagirl]

[you-are-another-me]

[inmemoryofvanity]

I Kinda need to get it out, so I've returned to the place I'm use to. This blog. Today is February 7th, i bought extra lean ground beef on sale for $5.99, thats best before today.

Mentally I'm breaking up with him, I'm currently stuck thinking about him. However when I'm at work, or doing things I can take my mind off of him. I decided I would stop talking to my friends about him, and soon I'll evict him from my thoughts.

I love him very much, and can see a future with him. But at the same time I can't. He doesn't really communicate much, or consistently. We do not have like a running phone call time or activity we do together. That only starts up when it's close to my visit time. I guess he's buttering me up so I'm all lovey dovey. After the visit, the cycle continues and we go back to this. Btw sept and dec there was less time, and he stayed pretty consistent- but ever since he couldnt come to jamaica at the top of 2026- he's been. Him, and I'm realizing the way he is- doesn't sit well with me. Just distant cold, not invested much in me, might through me a crumb from time to time- but no real dedicated time. Long distance, I'm literally so easy to maintain and maybe that's the issue. I had one break down in Jan with him, he asked what he could do, he apologized, but to no avil- here we are. Back feeling the disconnect. However this time its different.

I'm officially breaking up with him, in my mind. Mourning us, what we could be- what my imagination drew up for us, killing the dream because it has haunted and tormented me more than inspired me to aspire for me. If he wanted me, if he wanted me to be his girlfriend he would of asked, If he wanted to pursue me seriously would would. I would be his priority. He's done it for other women, he's choosen before. He could choose again, but chooses not to. That choice is powerful and I have to respect it.

I do not think there is any coming back from this realization.

His reasoning- he's depressed and I'm tired of this.

There's no where to go from here. I'm starting to build up resentment- around being chosen, I've been nothing but good to him and yet still I feel like I'm not good enough. Ironically all of my Christmas presents surrounded being enough but yet he leaves me feeling the opposite. Perhaps that deficiet was there before him, probably was - but I need to change more than ever. As I get older, I need to focus on solidifying a decent, quaint life.

I do not know if a relationship will ever be in my cards again, I'm not really popular like that. Anyways.... that's that, I've gotten it off my chest and on the screen . I will continue to be pleasant, I'll try my best to not feed into this emotionally and I'll treat it as casually as he does. No foul no harm, and if he begins to date other women- or I smell a another women in his orbit. I told myself that's where I draw the line. I will block and delete him from my existence- if i do not do it pre-maturely. and again, its not out of hate or anything. Quite the opposite, obsessive love and I need to get my self worth in check.

Unrequited love is a one-sided, non-reciprocated romantic affection that causes significant emotional distress, including longing, grief, and potential, low self-esteem. 

He'd be shocked to know this is how I feel... but what does he expect.

[inmemoryofvanity]

Your body has been collecting evidence quietly.

[inmemoryofvanity]

I've been moving towards him as I move away from myself.

[inmemoryofvanity]

I want to be chosen emotionally, not just enjoyed.

[inmemoryofvanity]

think having kids by the wrong person can be even worse. Compounding stress. Yes their blessings but I hear the pitch in my nephews screams and have been told about exploding diapers. Nope, I gotta be able to look at my partner and feel a piece of relief that I'm not alone and theres someone who is equally invested in seeing parenting through.