#inmemoryofvanity

[inmemoryofvanity]

I deleted his number

The convo

I'm so happy

Time to move on

He doesn't deserve my days till infinity. I took time to Mourn what could of been. now we we keep it pushing. I do not want anyone that doesn't want me. I refuse to chase... my life isn't about proving that I'm good enough. It's about living and knowing my worth. No proof necessary. My proof shows up by being alive. The chances of me being alive... I beat the odds and continue too.

Anyways Just wanted to share a milestone. Soon I'll forget his name but I'll remember the lesson to never loose myself again.

[inmemoryofvanity]

I have these bouts of jealousy. I get territorial and greedy. Like he’s this gem I found and I don’t want to hand him over. I want to Keep him forever- no interference. Just him and I

We’d be just fine ❤️

[inmemoryofvanity]

I miss him so much

May 6 2022

Kevin Samuels passed away yesterday and it sucks. I hate it so much, I loved him soo much.

I listened to him while cooking, bathing, live streaming, driving, working, working out. I re-evaluated my choices through conversations he had with people. I truly loved him

He saved me from sooo much trauma I would of acquired through meaningless relationships. Don’t get me wrong - I still have work to do, so much work to do. But he taught me how to check myself first. I wish God didn’t take him away.. we needed him.

[inmemoryofvanity]

He said… “your going to be my wife”

And this was my reply… still adding to it

That's years of feeling like every woman is competition cause your eyes are googly Af. And your penis head wonders because you want to taste the rainbow and then sum.

That would be years of feeling drained because you take freely and return support and love in increments. My faucet of love overflows meanwhile yours is a slow drip. Bread crumbs of romance to keep the mice full enough so that their not dead but empty enough to be desperate af. Malnourished love…

Years of you disrespecting me when your mad. Calling me a whore or bitch when you feel like the name is suiting Throwing my vulnerabilities in my face, regurgitating my secrets and holding my soul hostage or else your going to "expose me". You'd do that type of shit. Every intimate moment we'd have wrapped in anxiety because you may be recording, and if I get you mad you'll post my intimacy.

Years of begging to move forward, begging to know your friends, your family, you... no thank you. This future doesn't sound bright or promising.

[inmemoryofvanity]

I’m realizing that I have to be careful with you I share my trauma with. Some people really want to see you relive, suffer and internalize it. They don’t want to see you heal, move forward and flourish. It’s unfortunate but damn there are some sick people in this world that appear to be fully functional normal people- but their souls are actually polluted with negativity, hatred and jealousy.

[inmemoryofvanity]

I don’t like it here

I imagine a secure connection

A friendship

A bond

A trusting love

The type of love where I can leave you in a room full of beautiful women and your love won’t waiver

I need security

Secure my heart, my mind and my body

[inmemoryofvanity]

I really dont be coming on here for nobody but myself... purely self serving. When I have to many thoughts or I need to flush it out and I have no one to talk to irl

[inmemoryofvanity]

He's so sweet to me. Yesterday we got into an argument, because I asked what he was going to do on a specific day and he said he was going to the moon. So the day passes, and i only reply 'noted'. I know, sounds petty. It is, but I didn't like that response- I expressed that. I also ended the night early. We didn't talk further and that was that. Oh yes he also apologized.

The next day, he brought it up. We spoke about it. I apologized for shutting down. We prayed. It was sweet, it was different.

I like him.

This might be different.