Do you ever just want to run around a city at midnight or climb a tree or scream from a rooftop or go hiking in a forest or any of that stupid teenagery stuff? I feel like in every teen movie or book or whatever there’s these things that the characters do and maybe it’s as simple as a high school party or like a bike ride with the main character’s best friend, but like I want that stuff, you know? And I feel like I’m missing out on it. Reincarnation beliefs aside, you only get one shot at this life thing, and I feel like I’m wasting it. I’m only a teenager once, and I feel like I’m wasting it being sad and being anxious and scared and hating myself and all this crap and it scares me. I know there’s a million and one posts about this spread throughout different social media sites (mostly from Tumblr though let’s be real here) but I don’t know. I just feel like I should be doing more while I’m still here and young and I’m actually able to. To be honest, growing up does scare me a little. Not short term growing up, like college or even later in high school cause that crap scares me a lot but I mean getting older like down the road like I don’t know when I’m expected to have my crap together and I just feel like I never will. And further than that, it scares me that one day I might finally have the courage or whatever to do all this crap that I’m scared to do now, and I won’t be able to do it for whatever reason. Maybe I can’t physically do it anymore, maybe I’m sick or whatever but it scares me. Not being able to hear and other people having to take of me, or even worse, not having anyone to take care of me. Just all this crap and that’s just the long term stuff. Shorter term is even worse. Like I said, I feel like I’m wasting my teenage years and I’m not making the most of things. Not that there’s like a lot of things that I’m not doing that I want to be, but I’m worried that one day I’m going to look back and there’s going to be so much that I wish I did because when you’re a teenager it’s like the one time you can be reasonably stupid and only be mildly judged, although millenials and gen z do get a lot of crap. Like, I am doing stuff, I just feel like I’m not doing enough. I’m scared I’m not doing enough. And I know movies and books and stuff are fiction, but it doesn’t make me feel any less scared. What’s even worse though, is even if i do this stuff, if I act like the stupid teenager I wish I could be, it still may not be enough. What if I’m living the way I want and doing the things I want to do, and it’s still not enough? What if I always feel like I’m missing out and not doing enough and I always feel like there’s something missing? I think that’s worse. Doing exactly what you want and even then not being happy or fulfilled. Maybe that sounds greedy, like nothing is ever enough, but I think to me it’s just sad and scary. It scares me because if I’m doing all I want to do (within reason obviously), and I’m still not happy, then what’s the point? Then there’s no difference between the me now that’s scared worried and the me that is doing what I want. I would be at the top, and feeling like I’m still at the bottom. I think that may be why celebrities kill themselves. Kurt Cobain, for instace. This is not entirely my own idea, I admit, this is based off a conversation I had with someone, but the sentiment still stands. Imagine being at the top, and still not being happy. To me, that’s the scariest. Maybe, then, it’s better to just stay scared and anxious and not try anything and feel like you’re not doing enough, than to try hard and live how you want and still not be happy. I don’t know. I hope I change my mind someday. I really do.
