This is my real secret blog.

[innermindtheatre]

I want to cry to release all my anger but I don't want red puffy eyes so I'll rant to my sister instead.

[innermindtheatre]

I'm selfish.

To be honest, I can't tell if I'm being selfish or is she? I mean, my mother.

Basically, we had a fight last night... because of wifi. Of all things. Seriously. It started like this.

A few days ago, she suddenly just told me that she was gonna change the wifi plan. Instead of having TWO (one for me and one for her) pocket wifi devices with 70GB each, she will take a router and ONE pocket wifi with 180GB limit monthly (15% of that will be for the pocket wifi. Apparently, this was offered to her because her last plan was already about to end. And she took it. Without asking me, of course.

I didn't like the idea because it's a hassle and it means I will lose my device but I didn't complain because the plan is under her name and she's playing most of the bill anyway. Honestly, I usually forget to pay my part but I do pay when she reminds me to.

Now, during the 1st day of the change, it already proved to be a hassle. She didn't tell me when the subscription to the new plan will actually start so I was suprised when mine suddenly cut off. I didn't complain. When I got home, I expected the router she brought home to be working. IT WASN'T. I asked my cousin who was living with us to let me connect with her own wifi for a bit so I could tell mom the router wasn't working. She told me she'd take care of it after her shift.

That day, I wasn't feeling well. I had a slight fever during lunch at work and took meds to get me thru the rest of my hours. While I was resting, mom called and told me to bring the device to her because she was at the outlet that gave her the device. I didn't even have time to tell her I wasn't feeling well because she kept going on about not having a lot of time (the next day would be an off day followed by 2 days of holiday so she wanted to get it fixed and I did too because what else would I use??). So despite feeling bad, I walked almost 5 kilometers to give it to her. I knew I was pale when we met but she was all smiles and she kept talking. I told her I wasn't feeling well so we should just get it fixed and go back. Of course, she didn't listen and kept chatting. I didn't respond because I felt like throwing up every time I opened my mouth and she got annoyed and told me to take a cab home. I didn't want to because my dad always said not to take cabs alone. She stopped chatting and kept insisting that the whole way and I kept refusing. And then she started speed walking, leaving me who was all pale and almost puking behind. I tried to keep up and when we got to the mall where she got the device (that's about almost a mile more after we met up), the first thing I did was find a toilet to throw up.

When I came back, mom was already talking to someone about the router. Apparently, there was a problem with the sim card. She also asked about the wifi devicr she didn't get yet and was informed that the pocket wifi can only have a maximum of 15% of the 180GB. If we want to ger 2 devices, we have to pay extra and split the 15%. That's 13.5GB each and that's just stupid. So I told her not to ger a extra device and just get the one that came with her original package. While we were waiting for a new sim card to be given for the router, I sent my sister aessage about borrowing one of her pocket wifis. She has the same plan we had before mom changed ours. Of course, I can't use up too much of her's but I can bring it when I go out. She agreed.

All of that happened last week.

Now, fast forward to yesterday, Fridays is off day for me and my sister. Which also means, we are in charge of cooking lunch. We had to cook 2 dishes, one of our parents and one of us. I was assigned to cook ours while my sister cooked the one for our parents and for some reason, we couldn't figure out the recipe our dad left for their food so it became quite a hassle. My sister gave it up and decided to just hang the laundry I finished washing the night before, so I was left to finish cooking both dishes.

While I was cooking, mom kept on asking me where my wifi was (the one I borrowed from my sister) and I told her it was charging in our bedroom. She asked if she could bring it to work and I told her it wasn't mine so ask my sister. I think my sister said to ask me but I said I didn't know if it was okay, hut to be honest it wasn't okay with me. My mom apparently felt that and said nevermind and started preparing to go.

I was too busy to mind her but when I had a couple of minutes free from the cooking, I went out and asked her if she needed it but she said nevermind so I went back to the kitchen and continued cooking.

After she left, I told my sister I was reluctant to let mom borrow it and she told me she was too. Now, here's a fact. Mom uses about 6GB per day. I know that because when we were sharing wifi, she would borrow mine when her's is almost empty about 2 weeks. She watches Kdramas or Youtube videos is the high quality all the time. There's about about 40gb left in the device my sister gave me, and she uses that for downloading and I use it for music and reading. If I let her get it, it wouldn't last until the end of the month and I'll be the one without anything to use.

I thought it was over then but when she came home at night, she called me to the kitchen and closed the door. Ugh. She told me why I didn't even ask her why she wanted to borrow the wifi and ahe went on about ranring that she was alone at work and she was so bored. This confirmed that she would be using up a lot of the data and then realized that she was also lying because I actually remember her asking if I was done cooking during lunch so she could being food for her co-worker. She asked for the food she CAN'T eat so I knew it wasn't for her.

When I told her about how she had caused me inconvenience too, she just brushed it off and only kept talking about how I just refused (I didn't directly refuse but she did say nevermind, omg) to let her borrow the wifi and how I wasn't even concerned enough to ask her why she was borrowing it??

I think my mom fantasizes that my world would revolved around her and it really won't so she will keep being disappointed.

Whenever she asks me why I don't like talking to her, I really don't understand how she doesn't know. I'm seriously so excited to go some place else and far far far away from her.

[innermindtheatre]

27.

I wish I didn't have to celebrate my bday today.

[innermindtheatre]

It's been a while since I've been there.

Meaning: It's been a while since I've wanted to kill myself. 😂😂😂

[innermindtheatre]

My dad told me "Everyday, I talk to you........"

I answered, "Actually I don't remember the last time you talked to me. You do scold me everyday tho."

Then he continued to scold me.

What is this life. LOL

[innermindtheatre]

I always tell my friends that I never watch or read romance stories because they make me cringe and I don't find them realistic enough.

That is true. On some levels.

I do actually like romance stories.

But I usually like ones where the main heroine isn't pretty, even close to ugly, because then, I can somehow relate and have even a little hope that I can also find love.

[innermindtheatre]

I left my earphones at home.

I'm thinking of shitty things again and I can't take them out of my mind because I forgot my freaking earphones at home.

Now how do I stop thinking of the reasons why I should kill myself and how soon should I do it?

[innermindtheatre]

The only reasons I'm not killing myself yet are:

1. My bestfriend kindda confronted me about it (she knew what I was thinking 😂) when I told her that I was having a lot of episodes recently. She knows so I don't want her to feel bad.

2. I want to see that "full group" performance.

[innermindtheatre]

I think USELESS and FAT are my new nicknames!

[innermindtheatre]

:|

This morning, I was told that I have nothing I’m good at. I was told that I am practically useless and that there’s nothing I can do with myself because I’m an undergrad, I’m fat and I’m basically bad at everything.

I wanted to ask: Would you stop hating me if I killed myself?

But I didn’t because I don’t wanna be told that I’m too dramatic.

[innermindtheatre]

RANT.

“I stop listening to them after the CEO wasn't paying them and making them overwork themselves.”

I just saw this comment on a music video I was streaming and couldn’t help but feel annoyed. Just the other day, I also saw a few fans of one of the members discouraging other fans to buy the next album as some kind of sign of protest because their bias doesn’t get enough attention, which I don’t see tbh because that member is so well loved in the fandom. OMG I LOVE THAT BOY! (I still think some of them are just hoax.)

Now, I won’t lie. I have a bias. But I am never one to just support one member and ignore the rest. I support each member equally and try to hype them all up as much as possible. Which is why I don’t understand there people. (I’d rather cut myself than call them fans.)

Now, I did my best to hold back from replying to that comment above because I didn’t want to possibly start anything at a time like this. But I really want that person to shut the fuck up and stay the hell away. If they’d left the fandom long before, then they have no right making a comment like this to discourage a new fan. They should’ve stayed gone.

To be honest, this just sound like a sorry excuse of a person who can’t stick with them thru the tough times. It is true that they were overworked, and it hurt my heart every time I think of those times because I can’t even imagine how difficult that time was for them. But that paid off and look where they are now. They were able to make a name for themselves faster than most groups of their same generation. They were able to make themselves memorable and legendary because they never gave up through those tough times, and we were always there to support them and try to make them feel that they weren’t alone. We always tried our best, cried with them and screamed our lungs our during concerts because they deserve all that attention. We did all that and we’re doing more and we will continue to do more.

So for this person who left, we really don’t care that you did. You chose to leave, so please, from this point on, stay where you are. Stay as far away as possible. We don’t need the pointlessness of your actions and comments to poison our otherwise perfectly good day. We are perfectly happy where you left us, and now, more than ever, WE ARE ONE and we are a chaotic but happy family.

GOODBYE.

[innermindtheatre]

:(

Today, I thought about killing myself in 4 different ways.

I still think I should, but I’m listening to my boys and they make me back out because I want to keep listening to them.

[innermindtheatre]

FANGIRL.

Recently, I have been reading a lot of things (esp in Twitter) that say negative and offensive things about my faves. Well, there are always fanwars there, but really. They all should shut up.

Both sides, I mean.

If one side would take the high road just for once, then everything can possibly stop. Or at least lessen. All they have to do is ignore each other. It’s not like they actually need each other to survive.

I, however, need my faves to survive. Today, I realized that they literally are everything I have. They are the only ones I can rely on. Hearing their voices was the only thing that started to pull me out of the episode I was having today. An episode that I am enduring on my own because I have no one else to rely on.

I honestly do not know what to do if I lose them.

So I don’t like it when those two sides fight because the scariest thing for me is for those things to reach them and have a negative effect on them. Not only do they not deserve any of that, but each of them is so wonderful and they shine a light on people’s lives in ways most people won’t even know.

I need them. If those people don’t, then they should just leave them alone.

[innermindtheatre]

UGLY.

When I call myself ugly, it isn’t because I’m trying to fish for compliments, which is probably what other people think.

I call myself ugly because I sincerely believe I am.

You probably would believe the same thing if your parents fat shame you and call you ugly every time they see you, which is every single day.

[innermindtheatre]

SHOWER.

I’m not a part of this family.

I’m a failure and they will never let me forget it even for one second. I regret coming here. I haven’t had episodes this bad for so long, so I don’t know what to do now more than ever. I can’t even have my best escape: being alone. There’s really not much room in this apartment to give me that. I actually feel like a cliche character in a low budget romcom because I can only cry in the bathroom while taking a bath so that’s what I do, and then try to look okay by the time I come out.

I’m just thankful that I have my fandom to make me feel at least better.

At least listening to their voices keeps the bad thoughts away, and the thought of maybe getting to meet them someday is keeping me going.

[innermindtheatre]

TROUBLED.

When I was a little girl, I always thought it was cool to be an adult because I will have the freedom to do what I want.

Now that I'm an adult, I keep getting restricted to these "rules" to avoid being seen as immature.

Almost all of my friends have given up things that they wanted because they "grew out of it" but I see how much they would want something but stop themselves from getting or paying attention to it. They get all stressed out because of everyday adult life, and they have no other way to get their stress out because the things that were fun to them, the things that they enjoyed the most and can possibly serve as their breath of fresh air were the same things that they made themselves grown out of.

I really don’t want to see myself get to that point.