⚠️BIG VENT⚠️ Lots of personal shit, I’m just airing out my feelings here.
I don’t feel trans enough. Like I know everyone’s gender journey is different, but I feel like mine isn’t enough to consider myself trans. Maybe it’s bc my parents don’t see me as trans, they much rather think I got assaulted and now I don’t like my body than consider it. I wish I was born a boy. I wish I had a dick and balls and experienced boyhood growing up. I wish I could grow a beard and get hard and like men the way a man does. But I also love dresses, I love lace and pink and woman’s clothing and stuffed animals and heels.
I have the opportunity to take testosterone, I had the prescription. I was willing to pay for it myself. But my parents have said they would rather see me on hormone blockers. I might have a estrogen imbalance like my mom, I might have way too much. I feel like I’m back tracking. I was so close to my goal, the first step in my medical transition, and now I’m going backwards. They want me in therapy, which I also do, but they specifically want me in it to figure out my trans-ness. Was it bc I possibly got a assaulted? Is it the hormone imbalance? Is it my daddy issues? My mom wanted to be born a boy growing up, but she knows it’s bc she thought she’d get approval from her dad. I don’t want approval. I want to see myself when I look in a mirror. I want to be the person I am on the inside.
I’ll never be their son. I don’t know if I can accept that, it hurts to think about, but I think it’s the truth. I’ve been surrounded by people who call me my name and use the correct pronouns for me, it hurts being back home. We made a compromise years ago, they still use the name I went by in middle school. It’s just a shortened version of my deadname. I’m starting to hate it. They try, I guess. They’ve started using more gender neutral terms. They call me their child, but I’ll never be their son.
I have mentioned my reagent OC has bitten multiple ppl, here’s the list:
PAs:
Coyle: 8 times. Coyle kept giving Sharky opportunities to bite, and he took them. Usually the hand or wrist, once on the face (non-scarred side). Wishes he can bite Coyle more. Coyle is still pissed about it.
Gooseberry: 1 time. He tries not to bite momma, but there was once when she startled him and he freaked out. Bit her on the non-Futterman hand. Regrets it everyday.
Franco: 3 times. Before Sharky and Franco got to know each other. Now it’s consensual. Twice on the neck, one on the wrist. He tried to stay away from Franco, bc of Lupara and it’s long ass range.
Kress Twins: 2 times. It’s easy to stay away from them, unless Sharky was poisoned. Once on Aurora’s left arm, and once on Otto’s nose.
Lilliya: 3 times. Kinda hard to bite someone who is trying to slash you to bits, but he managed. Arms and shoulder. Bitting also wouldn’t deter her anyway.
Ex-Pops:
Pusher: 5 times. Only at the very start of Sharky’s therapy journey, when it was hard avoiding him. Mostly hands and arms, once on the mask and ripped a hole in it.
Pitcher: None. Stays the hell away from him at all costs. Fire hurty :[
Night Hunter: 3 times. Once on the leg, other two were on the forearm. Now Sharky just beats the metal muzzle against the goggles.
Berserker: Also none. Sharky doesn’t get near that man, not even with a ten foot pole.
Pouncers: A lot. Mostly out of annoyance instead of defense. Would also bite to get them out of hiding spots.
Big/Other Grunts: 6 times. Hand, arms, and legs.
Others:
Scientists/Doctors: 14 times. They’d have to sedate his ass to get him to do check-ups. Hates the doctors, hates the scientists. Except Nurse Barlow, mostly bc she supplies him his anxiety meds and the other drugs.
Other reagents: 5 times. Sharky regrets biting the other reagents. He was scared. Trust issues to the max when he first got to Sinyala.
can anyone help me get some groceries please? my kitchen is empty i have no food and would appreciate anything, even $1/$2/$5 goes a long way nothing is too small 🙏
“What? Sayin’ somethin’s ‘bullshit’ don’t narrow it down.”
“I’ve been doing so good. I’ve heard Easterfuck has been giving Murkoff Coins as rewards, and I haven’t gotten shit!”
Both me and my friend sit in a dark room while waiting for a grunt to walk by. It’s a Franco trial. I didn’t want to suffer alone, so I brought company to die with. Poison the Medicine, both of our least favorite trials, but we had to get it done.
“Just give it time, man. Why do ya need ‘em anyway?” my friend asks with a look of curiosity.
“I saw a catalog I really like. The Franco one. Project Lupara,” I try explaining gesturing vaguely in front of me.
The sound of foot steps shut us up for the time being, listening to the breathing of Pitcher. Once the growls fad, we continue.
“Really? That one? Why that one?”
“‘Cause it fucking slaps! Dude, I love the ocean! It’s filled with ocean themed stuff I can put in the sleeproom! If I’m going to be trapped here, at least I can be surrounded by the things I love”.
Just as my friend was about to respond, the sound of heavy breathing cuts them off. The fucker is close. We both slowly turn around, peeking over the desk we were hiding behind. Face to face with the man-child himself. Though, he didn’t look as pissed. More…curious?
“Ya uh..like ta ocean?” Franco asks, tilting his head just a bit as Lupara as lowered to his side.
I don’t think, I jump up with the brightest smile on my face. “Do I?! I fucking love the ocean!”
The sudden action startles Franco, making him jump back and aim Lupara at my face. The direct barrel of his gun doesn’t faze me. It’s like he’s activated my trap card; talking about my special interest.
“I’ve loved the ocean ever since I was a kid! I love the water in general but there’s something about the ocean that just pulls me in! Like the currents, ehehe. I could go on and on about the wildlife! Sharks especially! Did you know there are 8 different orders of sharks? Oo! And the oldest living sharks are the Greenland sharks?”
Franco is…stunned, to say the least. My friend is absolutely terrified for me, pulling at my sleeve to get away from the very man that’s been hunting us like prey. Nothing can deter me from talking about the very thing I’ve grown to love my whole life. Nothing! Besides the gun barrel now touching my chest. I pause my ramble, glancing between the contact point and Franco’s eyes. He stares at me, looking me up and down. Debating something.
“I uh—hm—never met anyone with this sorta…passion,” Franco drawls, tilting his head the other way as his eyes dart anywhere but at me. “Thought I..uh..was ta only one.”
My eyes light up, absolutely beaming with excitement. My hands find his own, ignoring that he had his finger on the trigger.
“You like the ocean too?! Holy shit! This is awesome! I finally have someone who I can ramble to!”
My friend gives me a fake cough, giving me the dirtiest side eye. I look back down at them, pursing my lips. “Yeah, I got you too, but this is a little different.” I look back to Franco, searching his face for that same passion that’s pouring out of me. “What’s your favorite sea creature? Favorite biome? Favorite predator? What about climate? Cold? Humid? Have you gone scuba diving? Snorkeling?”
The rapid fire questions leave Franco in a bit of a daze, but a crooked smile slowly grows over his cracked lips. “Slow down, toots. I’ll answer yer burnin’ questions. In time.”
Franco places a hand on my shoulder, hoping it would calm me down for now. It does. Kinda. My hands are shaking, moving them side to side to get all of this excess energy out of me. I’ve completely forgotten that this man in front of me was a mafioso, a murderer, a lunatic; right now he was just an ocean nerd, like me. For the first time in Franco’s time here at Murkoff, someone didn’t look at him with fear or disgust, but with something soft. Like he was human.
“Marlins.” Franco answers my first question. “I like marlins.”
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