To be an actor, you must be insane.

An actress in the tiny island of Singapore, with magnificent dreams. Loves acting, loves escaping into different characters & different worlds. Dreams of working regionally & internationally in feature films & television. Aims to live life with no regrets.

[insane-actor]

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here.

I’ve still been acting but I’ve lost steam and now I feel a little tired, jaded and demoralized. Not because I’ve lost my love for acting, but because the work has not been forthcoming and I’ve been questioning my self-worth as a result.

Sometimes I blame my acting teachers, funnily enough, for allowing me to hope. For telling me that I had talent and potential, and for rooting for me. Because perhaps if they hadn’t encouraged me so, I would be on a different, happier path right now.

This is a difficult career. But I hope I will turn a corner soon.

[insane-actor]

Dare to dream

My dream? To inspire others to follow their dreams. I'm happiest when I get to inspire others. I've just been incredibly obsessed the past few days. I've been thinking about my potential and how I get to where I want to be. But first of all, where do I want to be? My life is not just about earning a lot of money. I want to be the best... I want to inspire others. But how can I do that?

[insane-actor]

Today, Joseph Schooling won Singapore's first Olympic gold medal! Though not related to acting, he dared to dream and he put in the commitment, effort and sacrifices needed to achieve that dream. What is YOUR dream? I admit, I've got lost along the way and I no longer know what my dream is. Time to find my way back to that lofty dream, and go for it. There is no guarantee that I'll get there, but I'll definitely die trying! Well done, Schooling! You have inspired a whole country, and you, your family, coaches and support team deserve all the glory!

[insane-actor]

Yesterday I went for two auditions. Didn't feel good about either one, and I thought that was that. Today I received news that I was shortlisted by the director for one of the projects, and would be presented to the client. Although in the end, the client went with someone else, but I'm still thankful my performance was good enough to be shortlisted. I need to carry this same attitude to every audition & every job. And I really need to start believing in myself and my talent. If I don't believe in myself, who will? I always realized the importance of the Casting Director. During my audition with one of the production companies, the casting intern was very patient, and gave me clear directions. So I felt good about the audition because I knew what they wanted. However, when the casting assistant just gives generic directions, it's hard to understand what they really want. Actors are not mind-readers. We do need direction - that's why we need Directors. Or Casting Directors, in this case. In Singapore, actors usually have to learn to direct themselves. And that is a skill I need to master as well. However, when I meet a Director, or Casting Director, who really knows what he/she wants, and know how to give me adjustments to achieve my best performance, those are the best. It is a team effort.

[insane-actor]

Celebrate the Small Victories!

Since my last post, I’ve lamented the loss of my innocent, naive self. So in my quest to regain that happy, motivated self, I am dedicating this post to celebrating the small victories. 1. Emily of Emerald Hill I will be performing the 2-hour one-woman monologue in a series of performances throughout the heartlands of Singapore, during the months of June & July. It will be a stripped down, bare stage performance, and a first for me. I’m always used to performing with others on stage. And a 50-page monologue is no joke! 2. Renewed my Emcee contract So for the past year, I’ve been an in-house emcee for Beijing 101 & TrichoKare, and they have asked me to renew my contract! Happy that they are happy with my services. Plus I scored a small victory - I managed to negotiate less working hours for the same amount of pay. If you can’t increase your nett pay, increase your pay per hour! 3. Filming for a Corporate Video I’ve hit a dry spot in my acting career, ‘cause I haven’t been getting much onscreen work. So I’m happy to be able to do a small project this past week. A short simple shoot. But thankful to get back on set. 4. Client’s First Choice! On the topic of corporate videos, I was selected as the first choice for another client’s video, but unfortunately can’t do it ‘cause of scheduling clashes. Always happens this way - why?! But I’m still thankful to be able to be the client’s first choice though I can’t be in the shoot this time. Still, look on the bright side. 5. Other Sources of Income Other than acting & hosting, I’ve also been commissioned to write a series of Mathematics assessment books - my hidden skill! - and translate some scripts from English to Mandarin - thanks to my Mandarin capabilities. Always happy to get more income, for the practical side of life. 6. Audition, audition, audition And as always, thankful for the auditions! Did 3 auditions this week, have another one lined up for next week. Laura, fighting~~!

[insane-actor]

Hi, I'm an Actress.

That often conjures up glamorous images of being on set with famous people, walking the red carpet, living the starry life.

The truth is far from that.

How can I call myself an actress when I don’t have any acting work lined up? That is a dilemma in itself.

I get rejections every single day. Mostly silent rejections, from casting calls that I answer but invariably do not reply. And though, in my head, I can reason that I do not fit the type they’re looking for, but it is still a rejection. And even after 8 years in this business, it still hurts.

Because I look forward to every audition. Every job I get is a small victory in itself.

And so often I fail auditions, and I ask myself, “Why? Am I not pretty enough? Do I not look like I belong on screen? Is my acting not good enough?” My acting teachers have said that I have talent, I am in control of my physical & mental capacities, and I am talented. Why then, do I keep failing at these auditions? Why then, does nobody want me as an actress? Why does she & she & she & all those other actresses out there get the roles, but not me?

It is a never-ending spiral of depression & hate & blame. And today I reminded myself again that I need to choose.

I need to choose to be happy. I choose to be contented. I choose to be thankful. I choose to want to continue & keep working. I choose to improve. I choose to learn. I choose to grow. I choose to keep chasing this dream. I choose to keep on keeping on.

Giving up is a choice. Pressing on is a choice.

What is your choice today?

[insane-actor]

Just came across this article, and everything about it rings true.

It doesn’t help that actors FEEL so much more. Unfortunately we are blessed with a gamut of emotions that can just overflow at anytime. And while I’m not an emotional crying mess - I have the blessing/curse of a calm exterior, while everything bubbles under the surface - but I am constantly feeling every rejection & every criticism.

It’s this constant up & down that really kills me. And I cry in my room, feeling bad for myself. But I feel bad that I feel bad. And I keep asking myself, why do I torture myself so? Why do I keep putting myself through this?!

[insane-actor]

Always be an actor that people want to work with.

Professionalism, work ethics. Personality. Talent / acting ability. Doing your homework. Knowing how to behave on set. Give & take.

[insane-actor]

What I love to do

It's not for the awards or the accolades. It's not even for the recognition or the fame. Acting is a calling, a passion; something I need to do from the core of my being. But so often, I disregard the foundations, and jump into the "doing". It's time to get back to the basics. Acting is not simply "doing", it's not about going through the motions. It's too simple to just fall into a pattern. Every role, every project, every story is different. I need to remember why I love this craft, but sometimes, caught up in the humdrum of life, it is so easy to forget. Because this is my job. But it is also what I love to do.

[insane-actor]

The more popular you make yourself out to be...

Narcissism's necessary evils. I dislike the seemingly narcissistic nature of this profession. Posting numerous production & behind-the-scenes photos & updates is tiresome, and seem to reflect the personal vanity of many actors - but recently, a friend reminded me of the positive benefits.

Apparently, the more we post about our jobs & events, the more work we will attract. So, I have to make myself thicker-skinned, and share more.

Because, it's more than a job. It's a career... built on the audience, and social media.

Ironically, the more popular you make yourself out to be, the more popular you will be. I suppose. Or perhaps, it's just a generalisation on my part. Oh well, whatever works.

Photo credit: Marcus Mok. www.marcusmok.com

I've been busy with castings recently. And I've found some of them to be immensely enjoyable, especially when I've needed to stretch myself to fill certain characters - e.g. putting on a Thai accent (or at least, trying to!), and playing a monologue in a totally different direction which left me in tears, but very, very fulfilled. 

Castings are a good way to work the acting muscle.

But more than that, I've had to search for more opportunities to get more training in my schedule, and be more disciplined. So, even though I've rejected the offer to study Acting at LASALLE College, I'm happy to be involved in starting up a new training group. 

I need a place & co-actors to train with. So, I create one.

On the set of "Mean Business" a.k.a. "Of Fiends & Foes"

Photo credit: Sebastian Sim

Had the opportunity to work with Ochre Pictures for the first time as well. I'm currently in the midst of filming the last episode for "Mean Business" a.k.a. "Of Fiends & Foes", and it's been challenging! Working on a character who is a far departure from my natural self has been difficult, to say the least. Tough, challenging, but so, so fulfilling.

Once I complete filming, I'm off to conquer the "artificial" snow slopes in Melbourne! Can't wait. Then, hopefully, I'll be back refreshed and ready to face even more exciting work in the industry.

There's more to come in life. Stay positive, stay HUNGRY~

[insane-actor]

Desires. Belief. Opportunity.

Theatre. Drama. Voiceovers.

Sometimes when I don’t get the work I so desire, I wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with my work. Although fully aware of the fact that acting is subjective - it is how well you fit the role, and not how well you perform that determines whether you get the job - yet, there must be something missing in my work.

I’m tired of corporate videos & TVCs masquerading as acting work.

Aiming to set up a training group, a Singapore-based Actors’ Studio of sorts, to train. I’ve been doing more theatre auditions, and I believe, yes I believe I will tread the boards once again. Other than “The Arsonists”, which is showing this September in the Goodman Arts Centre black box theatre!

I got admitted into LASALLE College of the Arts for their Acting degree, and although I’ll probably have to pass on this opportunity, I am thankful for the opportunity to make this difficult choice.

I need to really, fully, act; to immerse myself in the work. Please, please, let there be a breakthrough. Somewhere. Please.

[insane-actor]

LASALLE B.A. in Acting

Ah, that unattainable level. 

I failed the B.A. Acting audition 7 years ago, and today, I went back to challenge it again. With the exact same Shakespearean monologue I used the last time. Only better, I hope.

It went well. I wasn't too nervous, and I think that helped. Plus the lecturer who auditioned me... I think he thought I was overqualified, in a way. He had seen me on TV before. And he complimented me for being "a fine actress".

All fine and good. Even if I get in, I don't think I'll be able to get the funds to complete the course. It's just too exorbitant.

[insane-actor]

I hate Singing Auditions.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up on musicals. Perhaps I'm just not meant to do them. Not every actor has to be a musical actor. That would save a lot of heartache.

On the other end, I'm thinking... Should I work on Musical Theatre? Since I obviously suck at it right now, maybe if I put in a lot of effort and work on it, I can improve in 5 years' time. Will that be worth it?

If only someone could teach me what to do.

[insane-actor]

You can fail at something you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance doing what you love.

Jim Carrey

[insane-actor]

Vulnerability.

Did two monologues for the stage audition today. 1. ANNA from Chekhov's "Ivanov" 2. SHELLY from Michael Weller's "Fishing" And last night, I dreamt about my monologue... and I dreamt that the skin on my cheek was split open. It didn't hurt, but I could see the flesh within. It wasn't gory or bloody or anything. It was just exposed. I woke up reminded that acting is exactly that: exposing yourself to the core. Allowing yourself, as your character, to be vulnerable & open to the audience. It was a powerful vision. And today's monologue from "Ivanov" brought me to discover the deepest jealousy within me, an uncomfortable feeling but necessary nonetheless. The monologue from "Fishing" inspired me... to adjust, to learn to make whatever place I'm in, beautiful. I loved auditioning today. I fell in love with performing again. Such a wonderful feeling.

[insane-actor]

Today I was reminded...

Today I was reminded to have fun during auditions. I was reminded that auditions are a time to showcase all the crazy work that you’ve done in your bedroom, all the mumbling monologues that you prepare when you’re walking around town.

Today I was reminded that I love acting. No matter how tough it is, and how judgmental others can get, my love for acting is the heart of the matter. Starting to rediscover my passion for acting, for being different people, and feeling different emotions & living different lives, and generally just having the license to go crazy and be dangerous all at the same time.

Today (and yesterday) I was reminded that I have an edge to my personality - I can be sweet-natured & kind, but there is always a dangerous knife-in-the-back moment when you least expect it with me, and that I have to use this edge in my pieces. That is uniquely me. (Thank you, Susie.)

Today I was reminded that I can either go around looking for a beautiful place to be in, or I can make whatever place I’m in, beautiful. And I choose to move forward, whether failure or success, whether ups or downs, and pursue this dream. My raison d’être.

[insane-actor]

Some of the photos from my latest portfolio. 

Photographer: Marcus Mok (www.marcusmok.com)

Make-up Artist: Candy