with my own blood in my mouth @insomnatix - Tumblr Blog

Also hi idk if you can read this but if you can? Please dont?? Please respect my privacy???

You dont have access to me like you once did. You forfeit that right.

Ive given you your space- i dont keep tabs like i used to. Please respect that and do the same for me.

#i get looking at things you know will upset you but like #i changed the url for this blog on purpose.#and it wasnt for my benefit.#dont use me as a form of self harm

Its WILD coming back to reading this blog and realizing just how much of this was undiagnosed OCD. Whack.

#we are truly out here

I realized the other day that I know about a million different words to describe hurt, but only a few about being happy.

#how do you feel

Never good enough never enough never in control bad bad bad bad

#i feel smothered and bad and bad and bad #I'm never good enough for myself #im still so lonely and surrounded by people all the time

I still hold you close to me but you treated me poorly and I have moved on. I will always love you and you will always be so so important to me, but I'm not in love with you anymore. I won't let you hurt me anymore

My legs wont cooperate i can hardly sit up and when i do all i do is shake. My head hurts. Im not hungry. I hate this so much.

#i just want to be better

I want to quit my job i dont want to work i just want to be gone

I feel very su///dal atm lmaoooooo

#i want to just be gone and be dead and not here any longer!!!!#its all so fucking much and it never ever ends #i dont want to be here i want tk be gone

Uh oh stinkyyyyy

#uhoh!!!!!!

My toxic trait is looking up things i know will upset me

My head is spinning

#i had to go out of my way to find those scissors too

Welp

#the therapist would be disappointed in me lol #can't tell luis can't show him

I had a dream i got to talk to nick about what happened. Even in the dream it was vague and accusatory and eventually devolved into a cacophony of questions that I'll never get the answer to.

I woke up with my ears ringing. I'm not going to get the answers i need.

Pththth

#am i upset that this would have been 4 years?#yes #am i happier now than i was before?#also yes #these two things can coexist

insomnatix

Im so tired of being sick and im tired of this JOB but i need the job because of the INSURANCE AUGH

insomnatix

LIKE HOW ARE WE GONNA SAY I NEED TO BE AT WORK AND THEN WHEN IM AT WORK SAY I NEED TO GO. THEN GET MAD IM NOT WORKING.

Im so tired of being sick and im tired of this JOB but i need the job because of the INSURANCE AUGH

#I'm tired.#and i actually feel good today so im very frustrated that i cant work and make up for lost time

You didnt want me. You dont get to be possessive over me.

I tried to make it work and you didnt want to so i moved on. Im happy now. Actually happy now. Im with somebody who WANTS to be with me and doesn't stick around just because of some one sided obligation and the world of difference it has made is astounding.

The relationship I have with him does not negate the love i held for you. The love i held for you does not negate the love i have for him.

So be mad about it but the only thing you can be upset with is the consequences of your own actions.

#and maybe im misinterpreting #but to see that twitter post almost right after i reblog something and made a tag about luis??#://#im allowed to be happy and im allowed to do things without your validation

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with my own blood in my mouth