can i give it up or give it away

Vic - 26 - EST The personal blog of Diaphonie

[instantlycrushed]

I’m not sleeping right (on a schedule, too much, too little) and I’m not eating well (too much, too little, not healthy enough), and like…I’m always one kind of sore or another. I REALLY need to bring my meds back into line and for my schedule to start being normal, even if it’s flipped because third shift. Just…I need a better routine. But on the whole? I’m okay. Surprisingly okay. Saving money and still treating myself. A fairly even mood, PMS notwithstanding. It’s just been so tough keeping in touch with people. Like, I’ve barely talked to Mike for over a month now. I think I’ve had maybe one phone call with Will since I got the job? I really really miss the days when I could stay up all night scrolling Tumblr and hanging out with everyone, but by the time I get home from work, I’ve completely forgotten how being social works. So I guess it’s just down to me getting used to the job and the team evening out and then…maybe things will find a new normal? Looking forward to a new normal. 

[instantlycrushed]

it literally never fails that the moment I start to feel positive about things, I have one bad day and it all feels like it's crashing down. There's uh...a lot of negative self talk going on over here and i need to sleep for about three days

[instantlycrushed]

I’m not sleeping right (on a schedule, too much, too little) and I’m not eating well (too much, too little, not healthy enough), and like...I’m always one kind of sore or another. I REALLY need to bring my meds back into line and for my schedule to start being normal, even if it’s flipped because third shift. Just...I need a better routine. But on the whole? I’m okay. Surprisingly okay. Saving money and still treating myself. A fairly even mood, PMS notwithstanding. It’s just been so tough keeping in touch with people. Like, I’ve barely talked to Mike for over a month now. I think I’ve had maybe one phone call with Will since I got the job? I really really miss the days when I could stay up all night scrolling Tumblr and hanging out with everyone, but by the time I get home from work, I’ve completely forgotten how being social works. So I guess it’s just down to me getting used to the job and the team evening out and then...maybe things will find a new normal? Looking forward to a new normal. 

[instantlycrushed]

ANXIETY.

I’ve got a whole lot to say about it, but it would be so much easier to just take a bunch of benadryl and knock out for a while. 

Balancing work/social/me time is all becoming very difficult. It all feels like it could topple at any moment. I’m holding my breath constantly.

[instantlycrushed]

For real, I’m having the worst mood swings I’ve ever experienced. I can’t form an appropriate emotional response to anything. It’s always angry or sad or just...so fucking dramatic. And I know that’s anxiety, but I can’t inflict this moodiness on anyone. Therapy is Friday. And then I’ll make an appointment with the doctor to get me back on meds. Because this can’t go on. I don’t like feeling like a stranger. The me I cultivated isn’t this mean. They’re not this angry at nothing. This isn’t me and I don’t like it. But trust me that by being a ghost for now I’m sparing you and saving this friendship. It’s gonna get better. It has to get better.

[instantlycrushed]

“You’re being rather sensitive about what I’m saying.”

YA DON’T EFFIN S A Y.

I’ve been a sensitive bitch my entire life and I’m not gonna stop NOW. It’s time you learn that no matter what your intent, your words have the ability to hurt people! No amount of “I was just kidding” or “it was supposed to be funny” takes back the harm you cause. Learn how to treat the people you love, you absolute crumbcake!

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“I am slowly learning that some people are not good for me, no matter how much I love them. I deserve someone who is gentle and kind because my soul is getting tired. Realizing that I deserve something good is one of the first steps.”

— Unknown

[instantlycrushed]

Everyone be like: Why are you with him? He’s terrible? Is it the dick? Does he have a big dick? What else could it be?

And I’m all: I honestly could not tell you. No one understands my reasoning less than I do. 

[instantlycrushed]

Sometimes talking to my partner really makes me want to cry. Like, there’s a physical ache every time I remember that he has no ambitions or goals. It hurts me to see someone so smart and funny, who genuinely cares about people, come to the conclusion that the best thing for them is to stay home 24/7 and never make anything of themself. And I’m in a position where that’s all I currently CAN do and I hate it. I want out of this house. I want to work. I want to have specific freedoms that being locked up here doesn’t afford me. And when I propose a plan to make those things happen for me...well I don’t like being told that I’m not ready. I think I decide that. It’s one thing to be a kindred spirit. It’s another to think that my destiny is the exact same as yours. I don’t want to rot in my mother’s house, alone and depressed. I want to surround myself with people I love. I want the freedom to go places and buy myself things. I want to take care of myself and my friends, not be taken care of. I’m not saying there’s anything WRONG with not wanting those things, but I wish he could understand the pressure I’m feeling. Now is the time for me to go after the things I want. 

I guess I just...wish he wanted things too. 

[instantlycrushed]

it’s one of those days where suddenly everything feels super precarious. like the whole world could topple over at any minute with no warning but the feeling in my gut.

[instantlycrushed]

I am socially and emotionally exhausted and all I wanna do is get stoned and crochet something other than fucking gloves and scarves. So, gonna do that and maybe start a blanket I guess because FUCK WHY NOT.

[sadiepickles]

“Don’t use your mental illness as an excuse” means “Change your behavior, apologize, and do better next time.” 

“Don’t use your mental illness as an excuse” DOES NOT mean “Your symptoms are your fault, your disorder is not even an explanation, and you are a bad person if you behave less than neurotypical”

[instantlycrushed]

Checking in to bitch for just a second. Don’t mind meeeeeee...

So like, I get to hear it when I’m not staying long enough and I get to hear it when I’m spending a night at a friend’s place. But when I’m here...he’s asleep. All day. And look, I love hanging out with his mom, I really and genuinely do. But when it comes down to it, I’m here to visit HIM. And I guess it just kinda gets to me that I’m left alone all the time. Like, if I wanted to spend time alone, I’d just stay in New York, you know?? And when he IS awake, we wind up just doing our own thing half the time. And that’s nice. It’s good to be in a room with someone I love and all. But like...fuck. I wanna be a little more cherished than I am. I want this time to man something. I want to make the most of it. And maybe it’s a little bit my fault because I don’t know how to really do that? But jeez it’s kinda weird that people hours and hours and forever away can make me feel less alone than the person I’m sleeping next to. 

But hey. Maybe I’m just being a crazy, hormonal mess. Have I mentioned how much I hate my body lately?? It’s less than great. 

[instantlycrushed]

Today’s been so weird and I know it’s just because I’m hormonal or whatever, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and gotta figure out how to stop that. Looks like I’m an anxious mess no matter where I am. I miss my dog and I miss my friends, but at least I’m getting lots of hugs. Eh. This mood will pass. Give it time.

[abcsofadhd]

So I found out a few months ago that wanting to ‘not exist’ or wishing you could ‘just sleep forever’ is also considered suicidal (specifically suicidal idealization). It shocked me cause I used to think that way when I was younger but had previously thought that being suicidal meant explicitly wanting to die.. but it actually involves wanting to not live too.

I think its an important thing to note cause it might allow someone to realize the severity of their condition earlier.

[rad-lilithh]

This was the funniest thing to me. Because I was talking to a counselor, and they were like “Are you suicidal?”

“No not really. But sometimes I don’t want to exist though”

“You do know that’s suicidal ideation?”

“…what?”

I wish I kind of knew before. Like honestly, we know so little about mental health.

[aceofthelostempire]

[instantlycrushed]

I don’t know how many ways there are to say “please don’t go in my room”, but apparently I haven’t found the one that works yet. That’s my safe space. My retreat. The one place I thought I could be assured some privacy and alone time. Apparently I’m wrong. Might wind up staying home tomorrow to guard it. Which is absolute bullshit.

[instantlycrushed]

All I really wanna do is shut my brain off until dinner time. Just power down for several hours. Because I don’t know what I want to do with myself. Everything seems unappealing. And I have a feeling I’m going to wind up sorting my Magic cards or something. Which wouldn’t be a bad idea because I’ve been meaning to build a crazy artifacts deck for months now. Okay, yeah. I’ll do that. Yeah.

Way better than any of my other ideas. 

[instantlycrushed]

the clock hit midnight and a wave of anxiety crashed over me and i’ve done nothing today and everything is terrible.

but like lol how’s you??