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spamton sniper rifle
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
wrote this on a whim at 12AM for @tf2husbandryofficial
going to hide in a hole now.
hi muffin! boy am I glad we survived the.. incident a few nights ago!
-ash the gardener
(this is my main account lol I can’t send asks with the TF2 sideblog)
God I’m so glad we did! And that we kept our jobs too! I was so shook up that I debated resigning for a bit but knowing how I’ve basically been through something similar more than once, really assured me if we can get through the craziest situations, we’re good to go :). I know, a little weird coming from me, I’m not really the one to be openly um… sentimental? Reflective on experience? Something like that. But yeah! I hope everything’s been going well for you. How’s Thomas and the malpractice?
- mini bungus and chaotic friend, Dr Muffin
There’re just fine. Did you hear about the weaponized coyotes that the malpractice came up with to keep people out of my forest? They had built-in machine guns and a ferocious temper! Took Thomas quite a bit to put ‘em down once I distracted the town with the arson. But yeah, everyone’s fine in my forest so far. Incessant banging from the Engineer’s hiding spot, so that’s a bit worrying. I’ll find out what it is sooner or later I suppose.
Nice :)))))). Those coyotes sound really cool, almost like you got some uhhh… mecha coyotes! I’m impressed by the work of the malpractice, tell them I am quite interested in seeing that someday.
Oh, you have an engineer? Pardon me, I am quite forgetful, but I wonder if he’s building something. Maybe another contraption to scare off those nasty people?
- mini bungus and chaotic friend, Dr Muffin
hi muffin! boy am I glad we survived the.. incident a few nights ago!
-ash the gardener
(this is my main account lol I can’t send asks with the TF2 sideblog)
God I’m so glad we did! And that we kept our jobs too! I was so shook up that I debated resigning for a bit but knowing how I’ve basically been through something similar more than once, really assured me if we can get through the craziest situations, we’re good to go :). I know, a little weird coming from me, I’m not really the one to be openly um… sentimental? Reflective on experience? Something like that. But yeah! I hope everything’s been going well for you. How’s Thomas and the malpractice?
- mini bungus and chaotic friend, Dr Muffin
[Tommy: The U.S. lets us do this. This is all to regulation.]
i'll give you 20 dollars to give me the spicy recipe that mersamus lady asked Dr. Frost about using
Here is the recipe that Dr. Muffin has kindly offered to serve Flex, wheresoever he may be at the moment with whomsoever may have caught him like a spider under a cup. Who’s to say.
Dr. Muffin has expressed this recipe here, but for the sake of clarity I will recount it here in a slightly modified way with additional optional ingredients.
This recipe makes approximately 5-6 servings.
LA BOMBA
Ingredients:
1 large onion, diced
2-4 cloves of garlic, whole and roasted
3 large tomatoes, sliced and roasted
1 large bell pepper, roasted (red recommended)
1 pack sweet Italian sausage
1 tbsp red pepper flakes
1 tbsp basil
3 tbsp chili powder (Thai recommended)
1 small can tomato paste
1 cup red wine
1 box Rotini pasta
Optional Add-Ins (”If you aren’t a coward.” - Muffin):
1 Habanero pepper
1 Scotch Bonnet pepper, diced and pickled (if preferred)
1 Serrano Pepper
1 tsp Kung Pao pepper powder
1 tbsp fresh Cretan oregano
Directions:
Slice/dice all necessary ingredients ahead of time (onion, tomatoes, Scotch Bonnet pepper). Remove skin from sausages. Remove stems from peppers and tomatoes.
Line a tray with aluminium foil and coat lightly in olive oil. Lay out all ingredients to be roasted (tomatoes, garlic, bell pepper, Habanero pepper, Serrano pepper). Set oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit and let roast for 15-20 minutes.
While that is roasting, mash skinned sausages into uniform lump with fists or with a meat mallet.
Set stove top burner to medium low and add olive oil and onions. Sauté onions until slightly translucent and then add sausage meat, separating with wooden spoon or ladle until sausage meat is in small relatively uniform chunks. Sauté until brown. While sausages are browning, fill a pot with water and set it on a stove top burner set to high heat to boil.
Take out roasted ingredients and put in blender (with small amount of water). Blend until smooth.
Once water is boiling, reduce heat to medium high (enough to maintain the boil) and boil pasta for 7-8 minutes or until al dente, or preferred texture.
Once sausage is browned, add tomato paste, chili powder, red pepper flakes (and sliced Scotch Bonnet pepper, Kung Pao pepper powder, and Cretan oregano if relevant) to pan. Stir until well incorporated. Once incorporated, add wine and stir frequently until the alcohol has partially cooked off (20-30 minutes). Keep in mind that it takes approximately 2 hours of cooking to lower alcohol percentage to 10% and three to essentially cook it all off.
Add in blended mixture and mix until well incorporated. Then add 1 cup pasta water and stir until sauce thickens. Drain pasta and add to pan. Stir until well incorporated.
Take off heat and serve immediately, allowing dishes to cool to edible temperature.
Please keep in mind we are not liable for any reactions caused from dishes of high spice levels. I have been told this dish is good and “useful”.
MPNR will help you forward that 20 dollars to me.
- SF
Aight aight where the fuck is "here". Also I ain't a fuckin rabbit. Droppin a box on me and shit. What the hell - FLEX
Here is where Dr. Frost has a Challenge for You!! :))
*slides bomb pasta to Flex*
Eat All of This and You Might Get a Chance to Talk to Frost
-This is gonna be Fun :D, Dr Seraphin
*watching from the corner, ominously*
Eat it coward
eAT IT
Ę̵̛̜͎̰̜̮̱͒̀̐͑̂͋̕̕A̷̲̗͂͗̈́̏͌̃̈́̎̊̇̀̌͜T̷̼̙̎͗ ̶̧̛̰͔̖̣͙̰̼̓͒̉̓̓̉̄̐̐͘Î̶̖̪͇̂̇T̴̡̛͚̦͕̤̦̖͇͈͇͖̙͋̀̋̐͊̃̽͘ͅ ̸̟̦̆͆͐̓͋̒͌͗̐̎̆̈́͆͠F̵̧̛̻̥͖̫͓̯̮̘̥̘̥̥̌̈́͑̀̏͛͌̿͌͘͜͝L̷̛̫̹̪̙̍͐̒͛͝Ẹ̸̻̀̉̆́̈́̿̑̇͊͌̍͠Ẍ̸͈̯̘͚̗̙̙͚́̀͛̓̉̇͐͑̿̾́̐̕͝ ̸̡̱͈̥͚̫̥̅͝Y̶̙̫̱͍͉͉̣̎͐̎͆̃̀̓̈́̋̊̈́͆̓͒͠O̴̞̘͊͗͌̒̀̍͐͠ͅU̴̢̺̣̪̥̤̘̹̔͑̅͋̃̈́̋́͐̎̕̚͝ͅ ̷̲̲̲͗̇̍C̷͎͉͇̩̆̆́̆͌̎͊̉̕O̸̢̮̣̜̝̘̭̠̞̟̬͛͛̉̇́̈́̄́̅̑̉̆̓̕͜ͅW̸̧̤̤̟̘̫̘̏̋̑̄͋́͌̀͒̈́̏̚͝Ą̶̟̳̬̯̫̻̯̐R̶̮͍͕͙̘̀͗͆̐̊̽͛̿́̏́͘̕͘͝D̸̨̧̛̫͍͔̥̺̳̪͍̪̬͔͊̍̓̌̚
- mini bungus and chef Dr Muffin
What do I do if a Spy keeps making fun of me for my clothes not being designer but I can't afford designer and can't beat the Spy in a battle??
-dr spaghetti
Rip, Cringe Moment for You!
-Muffin has been Teaching me this new Slang! :D, Dr Seraphin
Omg my rival, I’m so proud of you! That’s indeed a cringe moment!
- mini bungus Dr Muffin
How much sleep are you people getting?
[runs her hands down her face]
This job is... well. When I say full time, I really mean 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Case in point: I just spent a whole 24 hours negotiating with Velocity's Bonk. I'm running on adrenaline and energy drinks. I think I respawned once or twice. At this point, I feel I could fight god and win.
It's a thankless, no paying job, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my office to. Sit down.
- Ranger, 1% battery warning
Lol who needs sleep when I make the awaken potion from red bull, monster, various energy drinks, and coffee? I only slept after the time it got flooded with barbiturates and stuff happened lol.
- mini bungus Dr Muffin
HEY MAGGOTS LISTEN TO HOW LONG I CAN SCREAM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Ah... yes... thank you for this. Extremely important demonstration, in the middle of the night. Always the most important news from you, Soldier.
- SF
Ow.
- spaghetti
Your days are numbered, Soldier. You insulted my father and now me. Sleep with one eye open :)
- mini bungus Dr Muffin
Ever craved something spicy? How about something so spicy that’s enjoyable but scares the nice guys away? Or makes a chaotic family member behave? Well you’re in luck! Let’s make the La Bomba!
I made this once in a bout of depression. I was at one of my lowest points in my life. I had entered medical school and Marie and Alexis at this point in time had left for greater things. My dad, in sensing my sadness… bought me a cookbook. I learned to cook so many dishes. In the past, I’ve always looked through his books of ancient Mesopotamian recipes and through time, recreated a majority of them successfully! The dishes in this book were a little easier to follow, and I enjoyed them as much! And eventually decided to make my own. I figured I need to “spice up my life” like the Spice Girls said, so I added lots of pepper and crumbled sausages.. Thus, La Bomba was born!
I love my father very much. Even if I’ve chosen a different path in life, he’s begrudgingly proud of me. However, there are times where he irritates me, particularly when he complains about a certain Serena. Whenever I hear him playing victim, I have the bowl ready. When he’s being stubborn, I also have the bowl ready. He knows what’s coming :).
My friend Dr S. Frost has been having a problem for a while now. While Cipher Spy has proven to be quite a gentleman, a troubling “nice guy” named Flex has been coming into her inbox, trying to flirt with her in the cringiest way possible. Like seriously, it is so cringe. God I want to yeet him so far. So far, me and the others have been making fun of him, as there’s no way he can actually get a date from her. But let’s take it to another step and make him see if he’s worth his bragging rights or right to “flex”!
Ingredients:
1 large onion, diced
2-4 whole cloves of garlic, roasted
3 large tomatoes, roasted and sliced
1 large red bell pepper
1 pack of Premio Sweet Italian Sausage
1 tbsp of red pepper flakes
1 tbsp of basil
3 tbsps of chili powder (I use Thai for a kick!)
One small can of tomato paste
1 cup of red wine
1 box of Rotini
Directions:
Slice the tomatoes and pepper and peel garlic. Put in a tray lined with foil and drizzle well with olive oil. Roast at 400 degrees Fahrenheit for 15-20 minutes.
Meanwhile, chop up the onions and take the skin off the sausages. Once skin is off, pound it and use your hand to mush them together into a lump.
Turn on stove and drizzle olive oil, then drop in diced onions. When slightly translucent, add in sausages and use what you got (wooden spoon or ladle* to separate it into smaller chunks. Basically fry them until sausages are slightly burnt or brown.
Once tomatoes, pepper and garlic are done roasting, put them in a blender and blend until smooth.
While you’re browning the sausage, fill a pot with water and wait for it to boil. Once boiling, add your pasta and let it boil for 7-8 minutes.
Once the sausage is browned, add in tomato paste, chili powder and red pepper flakes. Then add wine. Stir until alcohol has completely cooked.
Add in sauce mixture and mix until well incorporated. Then add 1 cup of pasta water and stir well until sauce is thick. Add pasta and mix unless you’re making something Instagram worthy. In that case, add it separately
There we go! That should serve about 5-6 servings! :)))) SUFFER FLEX >:)))
- mini bungus Dr Muffin
@tf2husbandryofficial
yo yo yo it's ya future man Flex here, i see that cipher boy ain't tendin to ya needs if you know what im SAYIN, leavin his girl alone all night? fuckin amateur hours!!! cmon girlie get you a real man like me aight i dunno about all this cuddlin shirtless medics and shit but we can do our first date in your weird prison cell shit you got goin on the basement of your weirdass facility or whatever. im flexible. HA ITS CUZ I FLEX GET IT LOOK AT THESE GUNS MUAH MUAH - FLEX
I see you’re still here, so, points for persistence, I suppose.
“Cuddling shirtless Medic(s)” is completely work related and therefore not directly relevant to the potential formation of some manner of relationship between us beyond you attempting to one-up Cipher Spy.
Since you agreed to it I will coordinate a time in which we can go down there on the correct sides of the glass to talk, which is not a date, it is merely us getting more of a baseline on each other and attempting to do a compatibility scan for if we are able to form anything beyond just this acquaintanceship.
KEEP THAT IN MIND.
- SF
You should take notes from Velocity, Flex.
- Ranger
Lol yeah Flex
L + ratio + die mad + cry about it + too bad + take those tips + haha :)
- mini bungus Dr Muffin
WORKER WORKING ON THE CASE OF Mercenary Park National Reserve ; CHARLES FISHERMAN OFFICIAL REPORT OF BUILDING STABILY AND GENERAL SANITARY NEEDS AS PER CONTRACTS OF THE CURRENT BUILDING AND PERSONNEL. First of all - personal message from Charles ; Originally, when I started to work here, I was...
Hey uhhh Doctor Frost? Serena? I read your ask concerning merasmus and holy shit I am so sorry he drank your alcohol and was not a good roommate, I’ll go talk with him later. I guess all his stories about his other roommates were true :’)
- mini bungus or Dr Muffin
The biggest sin Merasmus committed as my roommate was trying to embezzle my money, not like he could get his little paws on it. He kept getting angry about how I had “magic proofed” the estate, and then got mad when I refused to elaborate on how I achieved that. Drinking some of my good scotch was pretty low on the list of reasons why he was a bad roommate, honestly. You might want to have a talk with your father Merasmus regarding roommate etiquette, the importance of doing chores, and that trying to take someone else’s things is called stealing and will not be tolerated.
Admittedly he wouldn’t have remained my roommate anyway since I live on site for MPNR like all the other full time employees, but I’ve made sure he can’t squat at any of my estates.
Luckily you appear to take after [redacted] instead.
- SF
Oh god… *sighs* I’ll talk with him, though it’s gonna be a little hard to get through to him. Being that he’s stubborn. Hopefully he understands, but I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to.. keep him away from your estates.
Honestly, he used to tell me some tales of bad roommates and I never believed them. But now that you’ve elaborated on that situation, I think he deliberately put himself in the victim role for that. Though a certain Jane Doe did cause havoc for him. That time… I think he was telling most of the truth, haha :’) I truly apologize for him causing that much trouble for you, my friend.
Also, how’d you know that he’s my dad?? 😰
- mini bungus Dr Muffin