TF2 mercs have stolen my heart (and other organs)

you see an iridescent silver patch on one of the walls

Both pyros stare at the patch on the wall.

Wasn't there something about not touching weirdly colored things? They can't remember. Still, better to be safe than sorry.

They toss Pyro's matchbox at the wall, despite the other protesting against it.

The matchbox goes through the silver patch, and ripples appear through the patch as if a stone was tossed into a pond.

Aaaah, shit.

Look, everyone, the backrooms is back with its bullshit again! Neither of them have the patience to deal with this right now. They both raise their weapons, aiming it at the patch and waiting for.... something to come out.

an inhuman hand reaches out of the silver patch and taps one of them on the shoulder. its claws are sharp and its fingers are long

The flamethrower clicks, and then Pyro blasts a stream of fire at the hand, both of them taking a few steps back.

A flare gun isn't much use in this situation, and Pyro would prefer not being burnt alive, so they just stare.

a high-pitched screech is heard from beyond the patch, and a pale yellow eye can be seen staring at the Pyros

Pyro fires the flare gun directly at the eye.

And then they both turn tail and run, because first off it's not a good idea to stay in one place for too long in the backrooms, and secondly, there was no way that thing would be able to track them. They knew this maze better than.... whatever that thing was did.

Right?

blood leaks from where the eye was and onto the floor. the silver patch dissolves, revealing the original wall.

you see an iridescent silver patch on one of the walls

Both pyros stare at the patch on the wall.

Wasn't there something about not touching weirdly colored things? They can't remember. Still, better to be safe than sorry.

They toss Pyro's matchbox at the wall, despite the other protesting against it.

The matchbox goes through the silver patch, and ripples appear through the patch as if a stone was tossed into a pond.

Aaaah, shit.

an inhuman hand reaches out of the silver patch and taps one of them on the shoulder. its claws are sharp and its fingers are long

The flamethrower clicks, and then Pyro blasts a stream of fire at the hand, both of them taking a few steps back.

A flare gun isn't much use in this situation, and Pyro would prefer not being burnt alive, so they just stare.

a high-pitched screech is heard from beyond the patch, and a pale yellow eye can be seen staring at the Pyros

you see an iridescent silver patch on one of the walls

Both pyros stare at the patch on the wall.

Wasn't there something about not touching weirdly colored things? They can't remember. Still, better to be safe than sorry.

They toss Pyro's matchbox at the wall, despite the other protesting against it.

The matchbox goes through the silver patch, and ripples appear through the patch as if a stone was tossed into a pond.

Aaaah, shit.

an inhuman hand reaches out of the silver patch and taps one of them on the shoulder. its claws are sharp and its fingers are long

you see an iridescent silver patch on one of the walls

Both pyros stare at the patch on the wall.

Wasn't there something about not touching weirdly colored things? They can't remember. Still, better to be safe than sorry.

They toss Pyro's matchbox at the wall, despite the other protesting against it.

The matchbox goes through the silver patch, and ripples appear through the patch as if a stone was tossed into a pond.

interdimensionaltravels

hi muffin! boy am I glad we survived the.. incident a few nights ago!

-ash the gardener

(this is my main account lol I can’t send asks with the TF2 sideblog)

God I’m so glad we did! And that we kept our jobs too! I was so shook up that I debated resigning for a bit but knowing how I’ve basically been through something similar more than once, really assured me if we can get through the craziest situations, we’re good to go :). I know, a little weird coming from me, I’m not really the one to be openly um… sentimental? Reflective on experience? Something like that. But yeah! I hope everything’s been going well for you. How’s Thomas and the malpractice?

- mini bungus and chaotic friend, Dr Muffin

#mpnr shenanigans #tf2 husbandry

There’re just fine. Did you hear about the weaponized coyotes that the malpractice came up with to keep people out of my forest? They had built-in machine guns and a ferocious temper! Took Thomas quite a bit to put ‘em down once I distracted the town with the arson. But yeah, everyone’s fine in my forest so far. Incessant banging from the Engineer’s hiding spot, so that’s a bit worrying. I’ll find out what it is sooner or later I suppose.

This is a completely hypothetical question, and there are no mercs in my area, so I couldn’t test it if I wanted to. But I’m curious: what would happen if you wore red and blue at the same time? Would it have the same effect as purple, or would it make all of them hostile to you? Or would something else happen? Thank you for your time!

Do not do this.

Wearing red and blue at the same time will in fact make all of them hostile to you. In fact, we had an issue with this earlier when Dr. Bungus replaced all of our gardener Ash’s purple ties with red and blue striped ones. As you may imagine, this did not go very well for Ash.

As you can also imagine, mercenary violence cases against humans are extremely high during patriotic holidays in countries like America where the flag’s colours include red and blue.

- SF

Yeah, I’m fine now…. Terrifying, though. Make sure to wear purple!! You DO NOT want a blue Soldier, red Scout, and red Demo on your tail all at once.

#ash the gardener

hello, again. this may or may not be the last time ill be asking you anything.

do you remember the engineer that followed me around? i and the medic found him dead. shot by humans. mosy likely those so-called 'cryptid hunters', or law enforcement, or something.

tomorrow, i will have an entire town to massacre, most likely. for today, i leave my friend in your care. please tell the medic im sorry.

-tv head cryptid

Hello, I'm happy to inform you that I am air dropping several of my fellow employees at your house to help you plan and execute your revenge against those who have needlessly murdered mercenaries in your private forest. They will also help keep you safe.

This is a message that clarifies that I, MPNR at large, and YTI are not legally responsible for actions taken by you and your peers and that we are not officially recognising or aware of any potentially illegal plots happening against any persons. Employees of MPNR are legally responsible for themselves and their actions separate of MPNR and MPNR does not keep tabs on employees while they are off the island that the facility is located on.

Have a legal day,

- SF

What I did to those merc murderers was not legal but BOY was it fun!

Tf2 mercs as roommates I guess

Long-awaited sequel to tf2 mercs as gaming channels. Workshopped in the same fashion (in conversation with my siblings when we should be sleeping)

Scout is the worst roommate in the world. Scout does not do his laundry or the dishes and kinda expects you to do it for him. He is a jock and they're shitty jock laundry and shitty jock dishes. He gets water all over the floor when he gets out of the shower. He's super chill tho and fun to hang out with even if he is a smelly extrovert

Soldier is actually the worst roommate in the world. You can't invite people over because he's genuinely the weirdest person you've ever met. He gets up super early and is loud as hell about it. He's always inviting you to hang out with him tho. If only you liked being naked covered in honey

Pyro is the best roommate in the world idc. Pyro could burn my house down and I wouldn't care bc they're such a great guy

Demo is actually pretty okay! He's totally used to pulling his own weight and rocks to hang out with and even if he passes out on the couch you let him because he's great. He's my favorite can u tell

Heavy is fucking fantastic. Heavy will make you breakfast. Heavy will protect you from home invaders with his minigun. He does the laundry for the second, smaller bed in which he puts his gun. He's great he is also my favorite

Engineer is building some kind of Machination in your basement. If you don't have a basement, the garage. No garage, your parking space. Even though the basement is basically inaccessible because the floor is covered with broken glass, he makes sure to keep all that stuff out of your space. If he ever uses anything of yours, he buys it back for you.

Medic, similarly to Engie, is constantly building machinations in your home. However, he does not clean up after himself and your apartment is now full of cut-up paper plates that he doesn't even buy back for you </3. You confront him about it and he tells you he made a quantum suckentuben or whatever out of paper plates to vacuum the stairs. You tell him you live in an apartment building and don't have to vacuum the stairs. I want him so bad

Sniper is the weirdest man on the fucking planet. He also gets up super early, but is disturbingly silent about it. He likes to go outside and sit in trees to drink his coffee. He'll leave for five days to go fishing and come back with some bigass swordfish or something strapped to the top of his RV, promises to do something with it, and then passes out for twenty hours straight. He does get rid of the fish though. You can't complain about that

Spy is technically your roommate but you hardly see him. He does not want to hang out with you. He sits in his room all day by himself and you don't go in there because it smells and he pretends not to notice you whenever you try to hang out. Every couple of weeks he'll come home with a new suit but is constantly behind on his share of the rent because he's broke. A mystery wrapped in an enigma or whatever his deal is

gaymanwithanoversizedhoodie

date ability of characters from the hit videogame team fortress 2 ranked

Okay fine:

Scout: not dateable I'm sorry. He's literally like a brother to me and is also a jock. Doesn't know anything about women. Very eager tho. 2/10

Soldier: hm. I don't know if I would call him dateable but I want him. I think he's an experience. I think him and Zhanna should both hold my hand if that counts for anything. I'm packaging them together 8/10 for me 4/10 for normal people

Pyro: Pyro fucks. Pyro's great. Pyro would know how to treat a lady. Or a gentleman. Or those whom lie betwixt. 100/10

Demo: do you need me to answer this question anon

Heavy: ohhh my God Heavy. HEAVY would know how to treat a lady or a gentleman or etc. 1000/10 easily. He will provide for you. He will protect you. He has great tits. He makes great soup I'm sure.

Engie: I think Engie is a rock solid man. Like that's a good 8/10 right there. Even if he is kind of strange and enjoys math he could treat you right also

Medic: Medic would fucking suck to date I'm sorry he's too much. He's weird and he's annoying and he's 100% an annoying pet dad and even tho he means very very well that man is giving you real anatomical human hearts on Valentine's Day. I want him SO bad btw

Sniper: well why don't you come over here and find out

Spy: I'm not into dinner I'm sorry. Not even the nicest dinner could get me to put up with this guy. I'm not classy and I hate suits and I hate watches and I hate the French. 3/10 I'm too much of a fried chicken tramp I suppose

Miss Pauling: every year on her one day I off I kiss her oh so passionately in the astral plane. Also she keeps trying to kill me but in like a sexy way. 11/10

Admin: horrible. also keeps trying to kill me but not in like a sexy way. Hates me so much. 100/10 I support women's wrongs

HELLLPPPPP WOMENS WRONGS

You leave me and my beautiful horrible milfwife alone you hear me I'm the only real feminist

You must be new here also

[Image ID: Tags that say "love how op always mentions merc tits /gen. It's so funny to me". End ID]

miss pauling hot

I’ve wondered for a long time- why do people feel as if it’s okay to treat mercs as pets? They are at least as intelligent as humans and so much more dangerous. Especially with the fiasco going on with the Scout and Spy “owner”. Any theories?

I know Dr Frost answered part of that question… where is it… ah, here and here!

But more to the point... in addition to the reasons brought up by my colleague, another large factor in how we view mercs comes from our culture. The fact that people often use possessive terminology when referring to a merc they house- examples like "My Pyro" or "My Boyfriend's Service Soldier" come to mind- says a lot about the current culture surrounding mercenaries. There's just something about them, that despite their violent and terrifying nature, makes people want to cuddle them and pinch their cheeks. I am not immune to this.

.... Case in point, the day I rescued Velocity, I decided his name was going to be Lemon instead of just asking him what he wanted to be called. And even since then, I'm being extra careful not to call him "My Scout". The only individuals he's truly beholden to are in his Bonk, and I'm doing my best to respect that. Goddamnit, even though I want to hug him, take him home, give him the world and spoil him silly.

- Ranger

#MPNR shenanigans #tf2 husbandry

I’ve been the same with the malpractice and the Sniper. They aren’t mine, they just live near me. I don’t own them. I’m glad you’re with me on this. In a world where so many people consider mercs as somewhat property, I hope that we can at least give the mercs near us some degree of decency.

hell yeah!

and, uh, thanks for answerin when i did

and helpin me and all

- velo

Well someone's gonna fall for the good ol' bucket of chicken line. wink Plus we succeeded in getting you out cause we're best friends, obviously.

- Currently ordering our chicken, Dr. Blue

omg y’all have a discord? I honestly can’t imagine what goes down on there. Sounds fun though. (also this scout thing is so sweet omg)

Out of curiosity, how would one join the MPNR? (This was supposed to be from my actual TF2 blog but I couldn’t figure out how to send an ask with my sideblog.) Sorry for the inconvenience (the TF2 sideblog is @medic-enthusiast-ashe , btw)

I’m afraid that all current positions are filled my beloved anon, probably wait until one of us… retires… it will probably end up happening soon, you know how the job is.

(Ooc, seriously sorry dude but we aren’t open to new researchers rn, and probably won’t be at least any time soon. I’m glad you enjoy this so much you wanted to join us though!)

Thank you for informing me! This blog is hilarious and I hope you don’t mind me going along with it in the reblogs. The premise of the TF2 mercs just being critters that live alongside humans is very funny.

We appreciate your enthusiasm! We're always happy to spread the word about these remarkable beings, in the hopes that we can reduce the rate of accidents during mercenary/human interactions. Dr J Peake

#MPNR shenanigans #tf2 husbandry

Well, a Medic has already stolen one of my kidneys before, so I take good care to keep myself safe around mercenaries. Remarkable creatures indeed.

I’m afraid that all current positions are filled my beloved anon, probably wait until one of us… retires… it will probably end up happening soon, you know how the job is.

(Ooc, seriously sorry dude but we aren’t open to new researchers rn, and probably won’t be at least any time soon. I’m glad you enjoy this so much you wanted to join us though!)

#tf2 husbandry #MPNR shenanigans

Battle Medics are often the protectors of malpractices in the absence of classes more suited to the role. While Medics are generally fully willing to engage in violence, only battle medics possess the necessary instincts to do so effectively. They primarily wield a crossbow and bonesaw, and may often be seen wearing improvised light armor, which doesn't do all that much against bullets but does do a decent job at blocking syringes.

They are not the best of healers, they specialize in field medicine but lack the knack for invasive surgery and experimentation seen in the stock medic population. They are also adept at throwing syringes and scalpels.

Dr J Peake, who really needs to sleep.

#ashe’s malpractice #tf2 husbandry #MPNR shenanigans

Fascinating…. There’s a malpractice near my home and I do like to know more about how they work. They’re funny little guys.

Dr. Frost, isn't it dangeorus to have blue stationary when blue can make red mercenaries go beast mode shouldn't it be purple

Short answer, technically yes.

Long answer, none of the mercenaries see my stationary since it's for private use amoung researchers, though primarily it is for my eyes only. I have a purple set of all kinds of stationary (and black and purple ink pens) for anything that I think the mercenaries might see, but all of my private stationary is blue because I just prefer blue.

- SF