"Internet" is a Drug

[internetisadrug]

We don't realize it, but we're stealing from us right now

A big yellow "SAVE THE INTERNET" shouts at my mind, on the right.

We try to stay focused on our blog, which is, of course, 

(shakes hand wildly  flails arms OVER HERE __________ Part of me wants to yell back at that sign -- in BIG black and gold sounds:

NO. __________ And in that moment, I mean it.

I actually, surprised-by-my-own-body mean it:

I don't want to save the internet.

I want it to be a paragraph in a history book--on "fads" people got over once they realized they weren't going to "turn a profit" on.  Especially once they realized how much time (read: potential paid time) they were just pouring into it.

That's what I don't think most people realize, just yet:

We're LOSING MONEY on the "Internet."

[internetisadrug]

There's never going to be an easier time, to GO BACK

The Bee

[internetisadrug]

Butterfly Starfish in 2020

Tue 10:28  AM __________ I've been listening to podcasts all morning.

The dog keeps getting into the trash.

I haven't done any work.

I haven't gone to the gym.

I haven't written anything.

Tue 10:30  AM __________ Last night was interesting.  I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

But I feel better than ever, about us being able to talk. 

I loved that you woke up this morning, and the first thing you brought up was  exactly what you were thinking. __________ I don't know how to attack this life, most days.

I want to do everything, all at once.  And this world just doesn't allow for that.

I'm okay with that.  It's a long journey.  It feels quick, when we're in each moment.

--No.  Wait.  Do I believe that?  Or am I just writing to write something?

Each individual moment.  Each moment.  

The Internet keeps me out of "this moment."  The Internet keeps me away from "right now."

I wonder how many people, these past 20 years, have spent moments plugged into this connected network of thoughts, and been distracted by an endless loop of tempting filler. __________ That's the nature of this, by the way.

Endless.  

Loop.

The Internet is on a loop.

And I'm starting to wonder why I'm the only one talking about it. __________I

But not to worry -- soon enough, I will be linked up with all the other people who think "The Internet" is a dangerous, unhealthy problem.

"The Internet" will make sure of it.  Of course.

__________ "Money"

That's what I think about, when I hear about "driverless cars."

I remember when I was driving, in my younger days.

And I got to do this thing, called "speed" I got to choose to break the rule.

How soon, that won't be a "choice" anymore.

If they wanted to right now, they could use cameras to ticket every driver that goes over the speed limit.  If the government got into that big a debt crisis, it could do that.

And that's not "crazy."  That's essentially exactly what it has done, these past few decades, with their "red light cams."  We get mailed our tickets.  Because even though  no body saw us, it doesn't mean "nobody" saw us.  We are guilty. 

A camera saw it.  And so we are guilty. __________ I wonder what politician (or "lawmaker," as they are also known)

would vote for the same level of oversight of our politicians.

Yeah.  I want an "overhead cam" set up above the heads of every elected official.  And whenever there's a law broken--SNAP!--

a picture gets taken.

And just because no body saw it, doesn't mean they get away with it. __________ the first person who suggests that?

I'll write in for President.

[internetisadrug]

Cleaning the Garden

What is this "garden" of ours?

It's the place that exists in our minds -- the place that we are allowed to create, simply because we say so.

It is the imaginary place -- made real, by our minds -- where only you and I can go.

And the place where a third is welcome, on the rare occasions she leaves her cave.

;) __________ And really, the real and the imagined

are blueprints that largely overlap.

The cave isn't outside the garden. The cave is a place that exists within the walls of this garden, that we are just starting to enjoy.

And so we clean The Garden.  So when anyone pokes their head outside The Cave -- 

they find a beautiful, clean, honest Garden, surrounding the entrance to their cave.

This is both the map, and the reality, of our Garden:  a small, humble home, that we can fly around, and feel safe to grow in.  And a protective cave, built within the walls.  Trying to keep us out.  Both knowing and not knowing:  no cave can exist, without a garden to build in. __________ __________ And so we clean.  We clean.  Maybe mostly you clean.  

But we both clean.  I fight myself.  And I continue to learn how not to fight myself.  But instead, to encourage myself.  To feel good enough about myself, to let go of my pasts.

That continues to be my challenge, with this Garden.

I am so scared of what the "new reality" would be.  Of what I wouldn't have.  

I cling to the past, as a happier future holds out two strong, open hands.

It's frustrating, because I know -- instinctually and intellectually -- that I am only hurting myself, by reaching backward.  

And yet,

the temptation of a known worst

pulls me away from the unknown better. __________ __________ The way you clean the inside of our home,  inspires me to clean the inside of my body. inspires me to eat better inspires me to eat fewer cookies inspires me to eat fewer candies

inspires me to drink more water inspires me to drink more ACV

inspires me to stretch out my muscles, to challenge them, to break them down.

inspires me to stretch my mind, to challenge it with new skills, learning the guitar, learning espanol, learning how to cook.

This garden we have, that we've created, that has been here the whole time,

You make me want to clean it.

You make me want to clean it.

You make me want to be part of what makes it better.

I don't totally know how yet.

Or rather,

I've known how, from before the beginning. I've been fed a lot of unhealthy food, I've been fed a lot of "junk facts," just like junk food.

But I know what is best, for this Garden. I just need to be honest again.

And each blueprint I study, each blueprint I set on top of this beautiful blue pile, brings me closer to seeing the true map of perfection.

The map of where we all need to go, together.

Which is, of course, (and it really is obvious)

back toward the beginning.

We need to move forward, back toward the beginning. __________ __________ I'm going to get to work.

Because I love cleaning The Garden.

Because "cleaning" the garden, is just "simplifying" the garden.

Simplicity. Simplicity. Simplicity.

I Love You. The Bee

[internetisadrug]

Welcome Back, to The Garden

It starts with just a click.

It's always just one thing, that I want to do.

I want to post onto brysonturner.com

I want to change "today's video" __________ To do so, I have to go onto my phone. And I have to make sure I sent it to my dropbox. I have to go to vimeo.com, and upload the video.

(there are ads, all over the side of the page.   (telling me what to buy, and where to buy it from

I scroll down.  I stay focused.  I upload the video. I write in the information, for the video.  For the people who are 'searchers' The Title, the "description," the "cast."

I post it.  

I go to brysonturner.com, to change the "embed code" for the homepage video.

I go back to https://vimeo.com/user17176756 to find the "embed code."

I find it, and I change the video. I then change the date in the "Me" section of brysonturner.com I then update the "Live" section, and add Petey's Mic to the list. __________ Now, 

I could be done.

I could start writing to you.

But there's a voice in my head that says, "Tell Stephen!"

And so I go to twitter.com/thebrysonturner

And I look for Stephen Whalen.   And I can't remember if I "follow" him or not. And so I look him up. And I can't remember if he spells his name with a 'v' or a 'ph'

And I yell at Sugar, who won't shut up.

And I find him. And I try to write the "perfect post," that everyone will just haaaave to click on. And then I -- 

and now the rabbit hole becomes an elephant hole --

I say to myself, 

"I want even more people to see this." __________ __________ __________ It is that sentence, that destroys what the internet could be.  It destroys what our lives could be, with a tool like this one, at our fingertips.

(and soon, even the term "at our fingertips" won't make sense.  Any child born today, in 39, will never know what a keyboard feels like.  Not in the 'developed world,' anyway)

__________ __________ __________

That is why it took me so long, to get started.

I've been distracted.

That is the singular goal of "The Internet," by the way.

To distract us.

To distract us from what the world is about to become.

To what it is becoming.

And,

To what it has become. __________ __________ __________ Welcome back, to The Garden.

[internetisadrug]

Join Me In the Garden?

I don't have to do this, of course.

Of course. __________ That's what makes it cool.  Right?

I could be doing other things.  A lot of the time, I feel like I should be doing other things.

And I fight to do this.  

To check in.

To say hi.

To give you two minutes of  this side of it so you can enter into the garden, and fly around for a while.

Mon  12:42  PM January 26, 2015 New York City

The Blizzard of 39 __________ __________ There are "regents," all week.  Which means that the kids in the YMCA, aren't coming to their gym classes.

Or at least, they aren't coming into the basketball court.

And so it's allowing me an opportunity to accelerate my growth, as a basketball player.

I decided to stop feeling so bad.  I'm taking your advice.  (and actually crediting you for it -- shocker!!)

I'M GOING TO THE GYM.  EVERY DAY.  AND NOT FEELING BAD ABOUT IT.

I'M ACTING LIKE A PROFESSIONAL.  EVERY DAY.  AND NOT FEELING BAD ABOUT IT.

I'M TRYING.  

LIKE YOU SAY:  "I MEAN...WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?"

(you completely change my life.  every day.  and i'm not feeling bad about it) _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ p.s. the world is running out of trees and grass and green.  and i want us to do the best thing we know -- to keep growing.  if we keep growing, we will plant seeds.

[internetisadrug]

8:48 in the morning

Hello to you, Miss Starfish.

And to everyone else.  Which is an eventual inevitability, I'm now finally realizing.

(so much for being a time-traveling genius comedian) __________ I am realizing why I've been writing these to you, this past year.

It is because I didn't go to the gym, this morning.

And I sat around, and did nothing.

Or at least, some version of nothing.   Or at least, it felt like nothing.

And that's why I'm writing these to you.

So that you understand:  there's no such thing, as "nothing." __________ __________ As I write this, you are at a job.  You are stuck, doing something that someone else wants you to do.

Or at least, being somewhere that someone else wants you to be.

That will change.  Sooner than you realize.  

And when that changes, you are going to feel overwhelmed.

Guilty. You are going to feel:  guilty __________ You're going to feel guilty, because it's going to feel like you're not doing enough.

Because once we are given the opportunity to do anything,

we immediately feel that we should be doing everything.

You will feel this.  Soon. You may feel it now, the moment you stop working. You may feel it now, during those seemingly tiny cracks in your pre-determined day, when you "could be doing so much more." __________ __________ It was another one of "those" days, this morning. No matter what I seemed to do, I couldn't will myself to the gym.

And after what happened yesterday -- playing far above a level the other players thought possible --

-- playing at a level that was magical --

this morning felt like self-sabotage.  It felt like pulling the breaks on my own growth.  It felt like so many mornings, noons, and nights,

this past decade. __________ __________ I am writing these letters to you,

because you are coming with me.

And trust me:  you can do this even better.

Drink water

__________ There will come a day -- and it will be sooner than even I realize --

when I will make enough money for both of us to do what we trust ourselves to do. __________ __________ I've set my phone clock for 

20-minute countdowns

today. __________ So I'm going to keep this moving< flowing< down the screeen.

Though I wanted to give you at least a little bit further to scroll, today.

;) __________ I'm about to get in the shower, and to head out to my doctor's appointment.

invest in your body, above all else

(internal and external) __________ I will fight to keep writing these, even though they are suddenly feeling very public.

Public isn't a bad thing. We all exist on the same plane, within the same universe. So everything we do, affects everyone else. Whether I choose to act like it or not,

that doesn't change the reality.

So if I didn't write you these letters,  Our love would still be affecting the entire world.

It's just this way, the world will make a little more sense to everyone, and not just you and me.

__________ Thu  9:30  AM

I looked at the clock this morning, on the stove.  And it read  8:48

And it felt like a lost day.

And for once, I actually thought about it.

And I said to myself, out loud:

"If you want to feel bad about a lost day, fine.  But today isn't that day.

Not yet." __________ __________ __________ __________ I think that's what we forget, so often, as conscious beings:

If we're 

still alive still thinking still breathing

then it is AT THE LATEST

8:48 in the morning. __________ I love you, Boo. And I can't wait to keep quitting the internet with you. __________

A note to anyone else:  learn how to quit the internet, at www.brysonturner.com

[internetisadrug]

An Open Letter to Everyone I Love

(Enjoying my 'birthday strawberry frappe' made by Vanessa's daughter, aka "Sneaker Queen")

__________

January 19, 2015.

My birthday. __________ I originally titled this my

"2015  'State of the Bryson' Address"

which I thought was cute. __________ I feel overwhelmed by the amount of love I have felt today,  and these past few days,  and this past year, and life so far. __________ Wow.

What a birthday, yesterday!  

1.  My first -- and likely only -- birthday being engaged.   2.  My first birthday spent living with my fiance' and her super-cool daughter. 3.  My first birthday, as a teacher. 4.  My first birthday without facebook, in over a decade.

I got a few texts from people, and a few calls from family.  It made me wish I had time to catch everyone up, on just how lucky and happy I feel.

Thus, the following update: __________ I got engaged to Vanessa (code name: Miss Butterfly Starfish) this past summer.  

This weekend, she asked why I "play it cool" when I'm talking to friends or family, about her.

The reason?  

If I were honest about how much I love her, it would feel like gloating to the rest of the world.  She's just...the best.  

Or at least, the best for me.  We're already planning what types of pajamas we're going to be wearing, at whatever old-folks home we end up at.

We're learning to love being bad at things -- that way, we can enjoy getting better at those very same things, forever.  Last year, we learned how to make our own pizzas (shockingly simple), 

along with a bunch of other things, all of which I forget, because who-cares,-we-learned-how-to-make-pizzas. __________ In 2015, we're playing around with learning Spanish, and learning to play the guitar.  You can expect our first co-written, multi-lingual album to debut sometime in 2016.

(I think I'm joking) __________ I continue to play basketball, and I'm learning more and more about how to take it seriously.

I don't know if I'll ever have the chance to play professionally, but if you want to know how the story is going, you can have fun catching up with it here.

Same thing as everything else:  I'm learning to enjoy being bad, which is allowing me to become better and better and better.

It's a wonderful life. __________ I continue to pursue my passion of stand-up comedy, though I've chosen to go the fully off-road route.  

For a few years, I was in a traffic jam -- stuck in a dead stand-still, as I waited for the industry to "discover me."  

The whole time, though, I looked over to the side of the road, and I saw rough, unpaved roads, and pathways through thick forest.  And part of me wondered what it would be like, if I veered right, and went off-roading.

That curiosity (and confidence) led me to a series of decisions that have -- at least seemingly -- ended my formerly-promising comedy career.

To the contrary, I'm experimenting more than ever.  I filmed my second special this past November, and I'm editing it with fellow Ohio University alum (and now fellow Brooklynite) Marshall Leaman, who also directed it.

I have no idea what will happen next, in terms of my comedy story.  But I love how interesting the story is.

You can follow that story -- including a sneak-peak at all the bits I'll be using in my next special (my 3rd, which I'm looking at filming in late-2015)

at comedyhajj.tumblr.com __________ __________ __________ Part of the sacrifice of going "off-roading," in terms of my comedy career, is that I'm not making much money from it right now.

My honest belief is that in the long-term, I will make a lot more than I would have.  And just this morning, I woke up to an e-mail letting me know that a stranger had paid $1 for my first special "Undone."  I don't even know how he came across it.  Under the 'description' part of the payment, he wrote "Bryson Turner Show,"

which was a beautiful 13-episode train-wreck that I posted onto YouTube last year.

I know one dollar may not sound like much, but for someone who has never met me to be willing to give REAL MONEY (!!!) to me, and to support my dream, 

is incredible to me.  And I hope I never forget how cool that is. __________ When I started the show, I was trying to emulate the online videos of my friend Koji Frahm.

It was specifically a video about comparing relationships to soup that helped change my view of women, and changed my life -- helping me to feel better about committing a lifetime to Vanessa.

The Internet is a frustrating distraction, for me, on most of my days.  But every now and then, it connects someone else's insight directly into my mind,

and I am forever better for it. __________ __________ Oh.  Also, my life completely changed this past year,

in another way.

Another way, that I didn't expect.

I became a teacher. __________ __________

But as I'm writing this, 

I'm realizing I'm asking a lot, for you to read all of what I've written already.

So let's make this a two-part letter. __________

Normally, I would worry that it's rude, to mass-produce a letter like this.  If you received this, then it means I feel like I should have written you a personal message.

But as the calls and texts came in yesterday, and I explained to Vanessa how overwhelmed (in a good way) that I felt,

she told me

"Nobody can get mad at you, on your birthday.  It's a rule."

So I'm using my birthday as the excuse.  To say:

I love you.

I love all of you.

And thank you, for being a small part of my story.

(y'know -- whoever the hell you are)

;)

[internetisadrug]

I quit the website www.facebook.com It turns out, it's not that big a deal, one way or the other.

Who Knew?

[internetisadrug]

The key is: are you happy or not? Do you FEEL happy?

Me, asking myself who I should say goodnight to last:  my Twitter followers, or my fiance'

[internetisadrug]

PayPal wants to make sending money to friends as easy as texting them. I wonder if people realize that any "money exchange" on the Internet isn't an exchange of money. It's an exchange of stress, not connected to our physical world.

Stuff that is not debatable, and yet could mistakenly sound crazy.  If we're not paying attention.  

[internetisadrug]

The Internet is a tool. It can be used to help me grow. But at some point, I want it to allow me to function WITHOUT it. That's the only healthy ending to a drug story.

My gut

[internetisadrug]

I am inside "the internet," as I write this.

Mind

[internetisadrug]

I'm leaving my phone at home more and more often. And I'm getting into better and better shape.

My life

[internetisadrug]

I posted TWICE to Facebook today, before I texted my girlfriend ONCE.

Me, admitting I have a problem

[internetisadrug]

This is a picture from months ago, when I took a drug and thought a tomato looked like a butthole. You are now looking at it. We are addicted to the Internet.

[internetisadrug]

When I feel guilty about how much time I spend on Facebook, I just switch to Twitter.

Me  (if the same words are true, except for "Facebook" and "Twitter," then don't be fooled by names -- this applies to you, too)