What’s wrong with me: update
I haven’t been on here (obvi) but i’m just gonna use this as a lil place to update and vent on my life. idc if no one sees this. it’s 2am and I’m thinking. I kind of want to read this over again later on.
On the bright side, my anxiety has super gone down I think. I have my good and bad days, but I don’t feel that feeling like my heart is going to stop every time I walk into a room as much anymore. And I haven’t had as much self destructive behavior. Really been working on myself, trying to take care of my body and besides my weight, my overall skin and health I think have improved too.
On the contrary, I’ve been eating out of boredom. I don’t think I’ve ever been this heavy. I feel like any little thing I wear from forever 21 looks super slutty on me, even if its covered up. My bras are fitting me tight again. I have nothing against being curvy. But I know people have noticed. My face weight is getting to be really noticeable too. I don’t know how to explain it. But I know i’m not in the state of mind to change anything right now. Definitely not the biggest concern of my life.
I feel like I haven’t been creative like I used to. Maybe its the people i’m surrounded with. Maybe it’s been my anxiety and feeling judged all the time. I remember I used to have such a unique style; I was always so carefree and I would create and post what I wanted for the world to see and I didnt give a fuck. I feel like I’ve lost my creativity and uniqueness. I feel like I’m fading into the background. Maybe when I move back home my isolation will inspire me again.
To contradict what I might have said earlier, whenever I get around any guy I feel fear. I feel afraid. I feel like I shouldn’t be there. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Even if a guy texts me and asks me to hang out, I get so scared I feel like my heart is going to give out before I even open the text message. I know they don’t really want to talk to me. I know what they want.
I don’t have feelings for guys anymore. I don’t remember the last time I developed real feelings for someone. I could pretend to fall in love for 3 years, break up, and probably not feel a thing. Not that I would know, but I know myself and that’s how I would react. But then again it’s not like there’s anyone around. I don’t think I’ve been asked on a date since...my ex boyfriend maybe 4 years ago. I don’t think a guy has ever thought I was good enough to really take out. No offers...
I’ve pretty much lost all hope when it comes to finding a relationship. I avoid even trying at all costs. Talking to a guy or the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. I don’t know how it ended up like this. I’ve had so many bad experiences that have made me feel worthless, I guess. I know every situation what the answer will be or what the outcome will be before it even happens.
I look at pictures of happy couples and watch movies about love. In the back of my mind I just think, “wow, how sad that I’ll never get to experience a love like that.” I would stop myself thinking, “why are you being so negative. How do you know you never will.” But my inner self would fire back like, “You know that will never work out for you.” I could never imagine anyone looking at me like that, like a treasure or something valuable. My chest physically hurts thinking about it.
Everything I do feels like I’m avoiding reality in my life. Avoiding the doctors for no reason cuz i have this underlying anxiety something could be wrong with me. Avoiding checking my grades and syllabuses because I’m afraid of what I could see. Avoiding checking snapchat because I don’t want to see what other people are doing. I haven’t gone on facebook for real in years. I don’t even upload photos anymore there because I don’t think anyone really cares. Sometimes I won’t open text messages for no reason because I’m afraid of what it will say.
I don’t know if my friends value me. I have friends, I know that. And I don’t know why I feel like there’s a difference between having friends who value you and having friends who don’t. In the last few weeks, I’ve been hit up to use my work discount, for me to share my study guides, and for me to open a door, or ask to borrow something. I feel like I’m that one person you ask for a favor. Because I know I’m damn reliable. I don’t say no. I won’t say I’m not selfish, I can be, but I feel like I give so much of myself to others. I don’t expect anything like favors in return. Maybe just to be hit up to hang out. Maybe just someone to talk to. I feel like I’m behind a curtain of other people who are move valuable, boyfriends, people who you can show off. I feel like I”m hidden.
I wish I had someone to just have a glass of wine with and watch bad youtube videos. Someone I could do nothing with. But someone who’s down for anything at the same time.
I’m almost done with school. One class until I graduate. Finally found a job I really enjoy but now I have to quit and find a job that’s more relevant to my degree. Funny how timing works out in life.
Sometimes when I lay down at night and think my chest hurts. I’m so excited to move back home. Close enough to come back to this world whenever I want, but far enough to distance myself which is much needed.
vaporwave
germansingergirl
ellievsbear
