Chapter 29

I'm a 29-year-old woman in a stable relationship, proud cat owner, dedicated to healing my binge eating disorder, and desperately longing to become a mom.

[inventingnanna]

August 16

I aced my last exam, so I'm officially getting my degree! Time to celebrate! 🎉🎓

[inventingnanna]

Why on earth would you want to bring a child into the world with someone who treats you like that? Do you really think he’s going to magically step up to the plate if he becomes a parent? You are going to be basically a resentful solo parent while he plays video games and continues not to take serious conversations about your relationship seriously. If you want to be a mother, this dude isn’t it.

Thank you for your concern. This tumblr blog is a place for me to vent and I recognize that my posts might be a bit negative sometimes. This is suppossed to be my safe place to vent - also about the things that isn’t really fair to be annoyed over.

To answer you questions though:

1) I wish to bring a child into this world with him because I love him, I trust him and we share core values regarding everything family-related. I believe he is going to be the best dad - the way he treats our cat seems like a solid indicator of how present he will be to a child. He loves daydreaming and talking about how life will be once we become parents.

2) No I don’t expect him to “magically step up”. He works as a first responder and suffers from ptsd after experiencing something a few years ago that you don’t just “step up” from. He has come far but still has bad periods though they are few and far between. I know recovery isn’t a linear proces when it comes to ptsd and, even though I get annoyed at him sometimes, I understand why he sometimes has the need to escape reality for some time and why he (during those periods) can seem a bit disconnected.

Finally, I highly doubt that you can predict my future the way you think you can. You don’t even know who I am or where I even live. So, while it is completely fine to ask questions, I don’t appreciate the way you feel the need to judge me, my partner and our relationship without even knowing the first thing abput any of us.

[inventingnanna]

August 1

Tomorrow is my big day. It is my final exam and I feel relatively well prepared. My boyfriend will be at work while I take my exam, but he made me a “care-package” with my favorite snacks, energy drinks, candles and two tickets to see the Barbie movie tomorrow evening. I imagine we’ll head out to get a bite to eat somewhere before the movie. It is nice to have something to look out for!

[inventingnanna]

July 29

Despite my efforts, there hasn't been any action yet. My boyfriend spends most of his time either working or playing video games with his friends. This morning, I tried to initiate a conversation about intimacy, but he didn't take it seriously. I'm unsure how else to express my desires to him. Even if I use my most sultry voice and invite him to bed, he just responds that he's not tired yet or that he is occupied with a game.

[inventingnanna]

July 25

I'm on cycle day six and all I can think about is my boyfriend's body. I can't wait for my period to be over so we can get down and dirty!

[inventingnanna]

July 23

I saw the Truman Show tonight, and man, that baby sequence got me all teary-eyed. I just can't help but really, really want a baby! 😢

[inventingnanna]

July 19

10 days dpo and the test is negative. As usual.

[inventingnanna]

July 16

Today, while cleaning up, I found this list my boyfriend made. It had stuff he wants to do more and less of. I was kinda surprised to see "watching corn" under things he wants to do less. I never really thought he was into it that much, but I guess he is. Now I get why we didn't have much sex in our first year living together. I just figured he had a lower sex drive than me and blamed myself for wanting more action. I felt so disgusting.

[inventingnanna]

July 11

This month, I decided to inform my boyfriend about the exact time I took a positive ovulation test. His response was a bit slow, and I'm concerned that we might have had sex a little too late, but we'll see. He mentioned that it didn't really matter to him whether I told him about my ovulation or not; the decision was up to me. Honestly, I felt a bit disappointed.

On another note, I'm struggling to balance work, studies, and chores. Whenever I prioritize one thing, I feel guilty for neglecting the others. So, I constantly have this sense of guilt for not being able to keep up with all the tasks I have to do.

[inventingnanna]

July 5

I had the longest work day ever and came home to a massive pile of laundry. But guess what? My brother popped the question to his girlfriend and she said yes!

[inventingnanna]

July 2

I'm really stressed these days because my exam is just one month away, and honestly, I don't feel ready at all. The result of this exam will decide if the past six years were a complete waste or not.

[inventingnanna]

Jun 26

During my second meeting with the dietician, she actually encouraged me to stop counting calories. She suggested that I eat smaller meals throughout the day to avoid those intense cravings and binges when I get home from work or on weekends. It honestly felt like a huge weight off my shoulders when I finally deleted MyFitnessPal.

[inventingnanna]

June 25

Today we discussed when to start fertility treatment. After considering our options, we agreed to give it a shot until the end of this year. While we're still hopeful for a natural conception, we've been trying for a whole year without any luck.