Eh. @invigoratedinsomnolence - Tumblr Blog

Be careful what you wish for.

When I was little this didn’t make sense to me. If you are wishing for something to happen, it’s safe to say it’s something you really want. Something that at the moment you dream of. Something that you probably don’t think will ever happen or that you’ll ever be capable of. So what’s the harm in wishing?

I got everything I’ve ever wished for career wise. What I thought I wanted. What I thought would make me happy. In reality it’s been the lead of my downward spiral. I’m not happy. It’s overwhelming. Most days I drag myself out of bed. The days I don’t work I don’t leave my couch. I don’t know who to talk to.

If I did tell someone I don’t feel like myself I feel like it would be selfish. I have something most people dream of. When people find out about it all they can say is, “wow that’s amazing for someone your age, you’re so lucky”. How can I be so lucky that it has drained me to a point of no return. It stole my identity. I’m no longer me to people, I’m “the girl who is so lucky for her age”.

I don’t even like telling people what I do anymore because it has put me into a bracket of intimidation, or into a bracket of someone who can be used; although those people don’t see the whole story behind the curtain.

The only thing that keeps me going anymore is the overwhelming feeling that I’m meant to do something bigger. That my real time to shine is coming even though I really thought this was what it was going to be. It scares me though because I often find myself wishing, except I don’t know what I’m wishing for.

How have you, really, been doing?

This question stopped me in my tracks. This question came from someone that I really believed cared about me, but in the moment they had became a stranger in my life. But as it glowed from my phone and I saw a reflection of myself in the broken screen, as I read it and it felt like my whole world came to a halt and the world stopped spinning; I realized I wasn’t aware of how I was really doing. In that moment everything shifted. I had been on auto pilot and it felt like someone had finally turned my mind back on. Ever since then I feel like I haven’t been able to figure it out. How I’m really doing.

I feel like everything I’ve ever dreamed would happen in my life has happened. I got what I wished for. I now understand when people say, “be careful what you wish for”.

I feel distant. From life, my friends, my family. I feel like I pour so much of my soul into someone else’s cup that when it over flows I watch it hit the floor and realize I didn’t save any for myself. When I reach out to have my cup refilled its just a drop.

I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been torn down. I’ve been fighting demons in my head that just won’t go away. Self doubt, hate, thoughts that I should be better; do better. I don’t see myself in the mirror anymore. I look at old pictures and ask myself, “What happened to that girl?”

Ever since then I’ve been searching for her. There’s a part of me that truly believes she still exists. That she’s at the end of a small tunnel and if I just push myself I will find her and everything would be okay again. The other part of me know’s it won’t ever be the same. I’ll never look in the mirror and see her again. I’ll just rebuild what I think it is that I’m missing until I’m reminded that I will never be her again.

And what scares me the most is, will I ever know how I’m really doing? Or will I look in the mirror and have an empty reflection tell me.

#rant #selfcare #depression #awareness #ptsd