Invisible dustspec

A Physicist who likes to philosophize. Just here to share my thoughts!

[invisible-dustspec]

[godkissedme]

[wovi]

[lucidloving]

Fleabag (2016) // @symbiocene // Charles M. Schulz, Peanuts // Nikki Giovanni, Mirrors // cave painting // 肉包不吃肉, The Husky and His White Cat Shizun // thethingswesay.com // Brian Kershiznik // Neal A. Maxwell // Audre Lorde, "Equinox"

[weltenwellen]

An Interview with Hanif Abdurraqib

[johnny-depp-is-loved]

Baby monkey in Japan goes viral clinging to toy after his mom abandons him

Punch was rejected by his mother shortly after birth and raised by staff at Ichikawa City Zoo in Japan. When he was introduced to other monkeys later on, he had trouble fitting in something that can happen with primates raised by humans. To comfort him, caretakers gave him a plush toy, and he’s often seen holding it like a surrogate companion.

[via/ X ichikawa_zoo]

HE FOUND AN ADULT MONKEY WHO ACCEPTS AND TAKES HIM IN

[catchymemes]

AWW DON'T CRY DON'T CRY DON'T CRY!

[invisible-dustspec]

I did not expect this Blonde Bar to be soo good!!

[invisible-dustspec]

Why do I need to be happy? Or is it okay for me to be happy? Everytime I feel a rush of guilt as if I'm leaving somebody behind. I recently realized that I need to be hapy in order to show the ones who stood by me that their efforts are not in vain, regardless of how small or how fleeting they might have been. Also, that is the only way I can lend them a hand when they need it.

When I look back, and see some remnants of the past in front of me, I'm not sure if I'm crying about something I know has happened, maybe some relationships I might have destroyed. I don't know if anything I'm crying about now is the true present, but I still worry and hope that the people I left behind are able to keep their kernel of happiness. Well, if not, I still need to learn to be happy regardless, as that is the only way I know for sure that I can be a support to another soul, for another love.

[invisible-dustspec]

In the last few days, I think I am trying to think about my despair and loneliness differently. But all the grief until now, has also perhaps allowed me to see it so.

Loneliness used to crush me from the inside, it only took me so long to even realise that it was loneliness that I was feeling inside me. Though, now I think I see it differently, at least for now (pretty sure I'll keep bouncing back and forth, but still this is a good reminder for a memory). When I felt depressed the last weekend, I was looking for the feeling of restlessness and despair of not being able to do research, and somehow linked that to loneliness. Suddenly it seemed as if I was using loneliness as an escape from my helplessness, and was becoming a vicious cycle as it further triggers my despair. And after a few moments, I was able to let myself feel the despair and also get back to work.

What is interesting in this recent experience was a shift in my paradigm through which I was viewing loneliness. It being a subjective experience, my depression puts it in a different light, thinking that it is an external state that is bad regardless of the effort I put in, and is further proof of me being unworthy of affection, which further was taken as the sole reason for my existential dread. I perhaps am able to break that cycle now, as I can work on my anxiety without the need for a relationship with another person and that made me worry less. Even more so, it seems frivolous to worry over something I can't necessarily do something about. As worrying about being lonely, and feeling despair, is essentially discrediting the already existing relationships and my own self I built over the past couple of years. Finally it seems as if I can start feeling a little satisfied of who I am, not just in my thoughts but physically feel it (which is what we sometimes fail to do with philosophy, though a topic for another post).

[invisible-dustspec]

Settling in and enjoying my week with pool, homemade fermented grape juice, read and go to the lake shore!

[invisible-dustspec]

All the things dead I devour, to escape my own death, only take me farther away, from the land of the living. Life I'm born into, where fear rules with an iron fist, hoping to keep me safe from death, somehow doesn't see that the life it yearns, is just death shedding its happy tears. For a soul born into this life, knowing nothing more than the shadows in the cave, a ray of light can brandish itself on the bones, like a red hot scepter searing through the pale skin. As the body is torched alive, and the sore heart turns numb from pain, with nothing but tears to take refuge in, unable to see light from darkness, death takes its empty form, showing the vastness of its cold desert, where even death loses itself. All the while, all I expect is a warm hand ruffling through my hair, to let me know that I exist, that something else exists.

[invisible-dustspec]

[invisible-dustspec]

The loneliness of being with myself, where I'm touch starved and unable to bear my existence on my own anymore, as what does anything else mean at all without other humans to depend on? When all I am left with are people ready to keep me at a distance, regardless of what I do, as if there's something gross about my being, just keep me at a distance as a creature to be seen from far away. I'm tired today, and I'm still trying to keep myself together in the face of crushing despair of not being able to meet another soul! Do I still need to change? How much more so?

[stutterhug]

A Great Eye

[schuylerpeck]

being touch-starved or lonely makes me feel like a house cat discovering no one’s home. I’m rubbing my face along the bed sheets, following the sun’s slow crawl through the windows, curling up by the wall in time for the heater to kick on; keeping an ear out for the front door.

[forefathers-eve]

We're back with some Rodya doodles!

[holly-warbs]

'tapestry'

monotype prints with oil paint and pastel.