How I Realized I Can Be A Lesbian And Christian
I haven’t shared this story with anybody, ever. It’s deeply personal. But I feel like someone, somewhere needs to hear it.
Over the summer, I went to a holy island called Valaam. It’s situated somewhere between Finland and Russia, and is filled with churches, monasteries, and the most heavenly energy you will ever feel. Many saints lived there. I spent 3 days.
During that time, I had hit a low point, in my faith and in everything else. I was convinced God didn’t love me, that I would burn in Hell because of something I tried to cut out of me, something I believed was a sin. I tried my very hardest to destroy my same sex attractions, and when that didn’t work, I tried destroying myself. I started contemplating suicide. I couldn’t believe God had forsaken me, left me to struggle and flounder alone as He looked on.
I didn’t know if I could even call myself a Christian anymore, much less an Orthodox one.
But I went to Valaam. I covered my hair and fasted and prayed constantly. Prayed for my family and my friends and my forgiveness. But most of all, I prayed for a sign. An answer to my question. Can I still be a Christian and a lesbian? Is it a sin? I prayed and prayed and prayed. I cried during each midnight service. When I went to confess my sins, the words got trapped in my throat. My mother told me not to mention being gay, like even the words could taint the chapel. When I took Communion, I felt so unworthy.
And yet Valaam was one of the most beautiful places I ever saw. So vibrant and energetic and holy that I couldn’t bring myself to dislike it. Every time we visited a new place, I would kneel by the icons and whisper my pleas to them. Maybe if I prayed hard enough God would hear me?
What would I even do if He did? What if being gay really was a sin? I didn’t know what to do.
I started drafting out a suicide note in my little pocket notebook. I could never be satisfied with a man, and I could never be satisfied alone. It was either a life of self-hatred and suppression or a life of sin.
And then, the most miraculous thing happened. On the boat trip back to the mainland, it started storming while I was outside. They locked the doors temporarily, and I got trapped near the back of the boat, clinging on to the handrail, trying not to fall out as rain buffered me from all sides. Every breath it took, wind and sea spray swallowed it up. It was cold. I couldn’t see. There was nobody to let me in. I think that was one of the first times I actually feared for my life.
Then, the storm broke. I looked up, towards the calm sky and sun. There, was a rainbow, glowing bright as can be amongst the clouds. I had never seen such bright colors. I started crying, of joy, this time. Tears ran down my cheeks. Soon, the rainbow was joined by a second twin. It stayed in the sky the entire three hour ride back. I overheard people saying that they had never seen such a thing.
That was my sign, clear as day.
That’s why I know, no matter what people try to tell me, that I am loved and created by God, just as I should be.
My lesbianism is not a sin. Ever. Because how could love be the thing that condemns someone?
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