invisible.

not sharing stats. not reblogging th1nspo. just venting after messing up a 2 year long recovery.

[invisiblelol]

cw // venting , mental illnesses

(everything from here on out will not have a cw, if my posts are upsetting to you please block me, but don’t report as this is my only coping mechanism.)

it has been two years since i last made a post to this community.

i got better. i stayed healthy.

somehow i’m back here, my senior year of high school. freshly 18, slightly heavier than i’m used to. everything was going so good. why am i doing this to myself.

i’m on attendance probation now and almost failing out. i hate everything. i got into a good college and i’m fucking everything up for myself. it feels like life is this tumultuous and nauseating roller coaster that just never ends.

hopefully my new eating habits and this new account will set me straight again. i just need more control.

i will not be posting my stats. nobody should compare themselves to others to me or use my posts for self destructive reasons. this account is for me to deal with my thoughts.

i am an example of what happens when you don’t take care of yourself. i am a failure. the sooner you recover, the better. please recover.

[invisiblelol]

i think i have schizophrenia and i don’t know what to do

[invisiblelol]

day 3. my face is thinner. i like how i look. maybe it’ll get better.

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so fucking stupid.

[invisiblelol]

not smart enough for my teachers

not pretty or thin enough for my friends

not happy enough for my boyfriend

not sad enough for my parents

not friendly enough for my siblings

not good enough.

who am i if i’m not defined by other people?

[invisiblelol]

[invisiblelol]

beyond self loathing

i am beyond self loathing.

every inch.  top to bottom.

head - my eyes are plain.  my eyelashes are short.  my nose is big. my skin is dry.  my face is chubby.  my brain is flawed; my mom berates me for being too mopey.  she berates me for being too heavy.

shoulders - my shoulders are broad. my chest is too big.  my arms enable my bad habits.  my heart hurts too much; when my friends post that they’re somewhere without me, my heart is always the thing to go first.  it happens so often nowadays i’m always in pain.

knees - what used to be strong and supported is now weak and big.  my legs look like jell-o.  i used to spin.  i used to love leg day.  i hardly get out of bed now.  my legs might as well be useless.

toes - my feet make me feel guilty.  they get me up every morning and put me back in bed.  and still i take advantage of them by hardly using them.  those who are injured would kill to use their feet again.  and i still take advantage of it.