invisible moon

bpd baddie ritual abuse survivor torture survivor trafficking survivor gas light me final boss • DMs open!! xx 🕷️

[books-n-quotes]

The days you are most uncomfortable are the days you learn the most about yourself. - Mary L. Bean

[invisiblemoon88]

amen though, good reminder

[timbllr]

[invisiblemoon88]

where do I find it ?

[captaindopesicksingstheblue-blog]

“I promise you my pain wasn’t poetic.It was days without sleep and pretending I was stable enough to continue.”

— i am tired of this sadness. (via ended-dreams)

[invisiblemoon88]

maybe I would feel better if I could spin it into something I understand

[invisiblemoon88]

what if I didn't find out for years?

what if instead of two or so months of drugging and torture it was years? what if I stayed with S and C, continued to trust them... and it ended up being years until I caught on.., what if I never caught on? C says I am the first one to remember and have flashbacks. he says im the first one to catch onto what the family does. their business of exploiting people. and by the two of their reactions to my flashbacks.. I honestly believe him. but why me. why was I chosen to remember? I couldn't even stop it or bust it. none of the detectives believe me even with a recorded confession of C. they are so guilty. they were always guilty. I was never having delusions. they were drugging and raping and torturing me all night and then telling me how much they love me during the day. my roommate C ended up confessing months later. so there's really no question if it's real or not. I knew from the second I had the flashbacks they were real, but C and my boyfriend S gas lit me into thinking I was crazy. a one off psychotic delusion they said. I said the same to lie and get out of the hospital. the buckley police sent me to a psych ward when I tried to report I was being trafficked. I reported emotionally, I admit, but a 5 day hold in the psych ward that made me lose 2 out of 3 jobs was not ideal, and frankly rude as fuck. the details C revealed to me about what happened to me on those nights made me realize it is so much darker and deeper than I even remember, and I remember what feels like A LOT. the room full of people, the black cloaks, doing lines, the circles with the fire, the fields, the parties, drowning me, taunting me, mocking my cries. C swears it's not satanic. I guess you don't have to be satanic to be evil. I want to know what cult / secret society it is. I wonder why he won't tell me that and also what they had been using on me to drug me. I trusted them. both of them. my roommate and my boyfriend. teaming up in a secret society cult thing to drug me and sell me. mock me. there must be something very empty and broken in them to do this to someone. what a joke. what a loss. I could have loved myself before you. now I am unsure if it's possible. this wound goes deeper than anyone will be able to understand . HAS ANYONE ELSE BEEN THROUGH THIS?! I am screaming into a void. the void. the tumblr void. my sad attempt at healing and connecting with others who can relate. my messy unhealed thoughts tossed carelessly. this one is a unique one. I know. if you understand me then I am sorry. but if you understand me, that means you are not alone, too. it scares me knowing how many other people this is happening to and how they will never know a thing about it. they will just carry the trauma and anger in their body and cry and not know why and have dreams of the horrible acts that are ACTUALLY NOT DREAMS AT ALL AND FUCK I want to be able to save everyone but this group is elite they are powerful and it is a problem that I remember as much as I do. it's a problem that I am not willing to let it go. it's a problem that I will probably never stop yapping about it. it's a problem that it sounds SO INSANE that it I were to tell anyone it was happening to them or even that it happened to me they will not believe me. it happens almost every single time. every single god damn time. I need a miracle, lord. jesus has shown up for me. he allowed me to remember. he allowed me the opportunity to become aware even if it ruined my life and made it so I have to start over at square 1. homelessness. anxiety. fear. worry. god I want to drink but I can't afford it. I shouldn't drink because then I cry more. smoking weed makes me see the flashbacks more clearly at times. sometimes it stops them from happening at all. im not allowed to use vices to cope with this. this is a pain that begs no- DEMANDS to be addressed. it pulls at my pant leg every few minutes asking "mommy did we save her yet?" and I pat my inner child on the head and tell her we are working on it. and that even though everyone abandoned her I will not. I will never.

[invisiblemoon88]

I don't feel like a survivor. I feel like a victim. I never admit this out loud.

I feel deeply alone. I wonder if this will ever go away. I wonder if I lost too much of myself to recover this time around. I wonder if this time is different. if it's just too much, too far from healings grace. what happened to me is something people take their own lives over. I am strong for being able to continue. I am strong for continuing with grace and letting go of anger as much as I can. it poisons me. ruins these small precious days I have. they have already ruined so many. I can't let them take anything else from me. my heart, my body, my soul belong to ME. I belong to me. no one got me like I got me. I could never betray myself in the way people have betrayed me. and I do not wish the torture that was Inflicted on me to be inflicted on them. I will be able to do more without resentment. help more. heal more. love more. do I even have a future in store anymore or did this take it all from me? why is it taking so long to rebuild every aspect of myself? why do I have to do this sober while every feeling ive ever felt is now exposed and open. why didn't you spare me. what did I do in the first place to make you hate me so much you could do that to me? was it just being a woman? I don't know. the logistics matter to me. I want to know all of them. all of them.