Life Sucks

It started with ranting...then got turned into my love life...now its just sort of my diary.

[solarmorrigan]

*hitting my brain with a rolled up newspaper* I am allowed to be annoying! I am allowed to be wrong! I am allowed to take up space! Not! Everyone! Has! To! Like! Me!

[jessebloom]

first day of pride month

[sunflorally]

find people you feel safe being a burden to. we all have to lean on people sometimes. the point isn’t to never have a problem, to never want to rant, to never need help. the point is to find the ones you can go to with your troubles and know they don’t see you as less.

[shamebats]

"it's just stress" oh thank god, it's just the silent killer that slowly kills you, perfectly harmless, no need to worry

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

It's always "stop harming yourself or we'll have to lock you up!!!" and never "what do you need to change to want to harm yourself less and how can we help you make some of these changes?" and that's why we're not getting anywhere

[irantaboutthingsinmylife]

He doesn't like people around.

His mom and sister are toxic, so he barely sees them anymore

He hates his grandparents for whatever reason, he's told me the reasons, but they've also been so helpful

He barely tolerates my family

He hates the guy he literally brought to live with us...like IT IS HIS FAULT HE LIVES IN THE HOUSE and he absolutely hates that he lives there

He only likes me being around him I think, and I think that's only because he doesn't see me much since my work and family schedule is insane.

He likes being around me, but he doesn't listen to me.

I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to hang out with anyone but me...but I don't want to hang out with him.

I have a strange sort of resentment right now. I work all these hours and he just gets to be at home and not do anything. It makes me so upset and there is nothing I can do about it.

I cry almost daily because I chose him and I chose wrong. I can't fix it, I can't change it. I'm just stuck and I have to deal with it.

I wish I could go back in time to before I said yes.

I know that I can't, so I will continue to make the best of my situation.

[irantaboutthingsinmylife]

Everyday in my head I think of what id write down if I was gonna end my story, and how I would go about it.

I am not okay...not in the least.

I'm never gonna do it, so you don't have to call 911 or anything....but I get a weird enjoyment out of thinking about it.

I also think about how I would tell him we are getting a divorce and how I've been unhappy for over a year...I can pin it to almost the exact day of my unhappiness... But I know I'm never gonna leave him either.

All these things I dream of doing, but know I will never actually do.

Can you tell I'm struggling? Tho, aren't we all?

[irantaboutthingsinmylife]

Today I tried to politely remind him not to eat so much...and he just shouted "OH MY GOD! SHUT UP!!" at me

This...this is why I don't try to help him with what/how he eats any more.

I know she'll blame me when he dies for being obese...but I don't have the energy for it any more ..and if he doesn't want my help, why should I try?

He doesn't want to better his life, so I'm not gonna try to better his life for him

[irantaboutthingsinmylife]

Life is about giving up your dreams

You have a dream, it may seem feasible, but you realize that it's not

Then you give up

Then repeat...every single time.

There is no hope in dreaming, only misery.

It is best to be content with the things you have and acknowledge that things will never get better and if you try...things will only end up worse.

It is best to stay where you are and do what you know.

[irantaboutthingsinmylife]

One more year. If nothing has changed and nothing is changing. Then. I will run away.

[irantaboutthingsinmylife]

You make me think I'm being unreasonable...but I'm not. These are adult things...things that need dealt with...we can't just ignore them..

This is twice we've been threatened to have things shut off. Once it actually happened

I put the money in the account every paycheck to pay the bills...yet they aren't being paid on time and we always pay late fees

I figured since you don't do anything else, paying bills via telephone was the least that you could do...but I guess it's my fault for giving you responsibility when you clearly aren't an adult.

[irantaboutthingsinmylife]

I should be happy. I'm going on a cruise tomorrow. I've never been on one...but ..

I don't have the money for this

My husband and I are in a weird place

And I'm not sure if I'm ready to try something new.

I drained my savings account for this cruise, and I have practically $0 in my checking account...I don't know what I was thinking....it's too late now. What's done is done. The trip is paid for, the rooms are bought, everything is booked...we literally leave tomorrow....but I'm not excited... I'm just worried about stupid adult things.

[irantaboutthingsinmylife]

I have watched SO many shows you like that I had no interest in

I forced myself to try to like so many thinks by going oh that things adorable, focus on that

I have forced myself I find at least one part of the show or movie to give a shit about

I have dedicated HOURS of my life to shows and movies I couldn't give 2 shits about

But I ask you to watch one season of 8 episodes and you can't be bothered to try and care.

And some of those things people acknowledge as things that I like...but I don't care about them...I own so much merch of the thing and it's cute sure, but I'm not enamored with it.

Fuck this life.

You don't ever do anything for me it seems, you can't even sit and pretend to care about a show I care about.

I'm tired of apologizing and I'm tired of having to comfort you when I've made you a little mad.

Is our whole relationship just walking on eggshells around each other? Why even be married if that's what it is.

I don't even know what I started this rant about, but I'm mad about so many things

[irantaboutthingsinmylife]

Talking to Tumblr always makes me feel better. Now that I've ranted I think I can finally get some sleep. Thank you for being here.

[irantaboutthingsinmylife]

I cry.. all the time.. I want to be better.. I just, don't know how.

I want to be enough for myself.

I want to be enough for other people.

I want to be enough for him.

I want him to be enough for me.

[irantaboutthingsinmylife]

Why did I choose this life? Did I love him that much? Or was it just because he was there?

[irantaboutthingsinmylife]

I'm at a low point today.

I'm not really sure why...I was just laying in bed thinking about my life and I was struck with the feeling that I'm just trapped

My husband is a fully grown adult and I'm not responsible for his actions...and I don't want to be naggy...but he needs to try more.

I need him to pay attention to what he eats.

I need him to focus on exercise.

I need him to want to clean.

I need him to want to something. Anything.

I can't control what he does, although I do feel like I'm making things worse. I don't focus on those things any more...I tried for a while, but it became a chore and too much effort...so I gave up. I always give up.

We are now over a year since he lost his job and I think he's worse. He's not doing any of the things he's supposed to do...and I know it's because he doesn't want to, but I feel like it's also my fault.

I work all the time so when I'm home I'm a couch potato, I eat things I shouldn't...often and keep things in the house I definitely shouldn't...so it is partly my fault...but if he would put in ANY effort without me having to nag about it...I would probably put in more effort.

I'm not sure what to do. I feel trapped. I chose this life, I'm never going to leave it so don't tell me to...but I just don't know what to do.

How do I make him see that what he is doing is not only killing him, it's also killing me?