Hey- just a gentle reminder to anyone that follows me that this is very much a vent blog so like. do proceed with caution if you don't wanna see my messier vent posts and not like. The poems or the photography reblogs.
remembering when earlier this year I was in the depths of being ill and I discovered will and grace clips on youtube. it was so goddamn weird i can't tell if it was the phasing in and out of sleep but the show felt unreal like a weird knock off of friends where nothing feels right
perhaps I should start thinking I am attractive. if most of my friends tell me I'm their "hear me out" (their words, though they said they're not exactly what they mean) then maybe there's something to me.
Saw a video about pride and prejudice where they said how Mr. Darcy originally didn't find Elizabeth appealing- but then it was the way she moved that made her beautiful to him. I usually think I move quite awkwardly cuz that's how it feels, but maybe I am neglecting this element of motion as something that contributes to my attractiveness.
I hate that I'm so jealous. I've taken things so personally when they are not even about me. but this man is so shallow, he wanted a girlfriend with specific characterisitcs that I possess. sorry if I'm upset when it turns out, for no apparent reason, that I don't fit the bill. especially since each time he'd mention such traits, i'd think he flirted. sorry for having a shred of hope.
but it's getting ridiculous. it's not good for me. i went on a date and it was absolutely lovely- my first date ever, can you believe it? he was such a nice guy. but the next day i saw the first guy again, and became so angry. at what? at myself? maybe. i know i could be happy with this new guy, who has many of the same opinions on things as me. He's funny, very intelligent. if we were on the same course in the same uni, we'd be fast friends for sure. It would be nice to see him again.
But why do I feel the urge to never speak again, to close off, to stop talking, to go "Sorry, I don't think we're a match" when it's not true? Surely, I'm not holding out any real hope for the other guy still. It's not about that. Is it just that it's getting busy, I'm already someone who prefers (or defults to) alone time- and when I go out, I don't really talk to someone unfamiliar? I need to still work on my friendships here- I'm still not very close to anybody.
The conversation flowed naturally. There was the odd pause, naturally, to search for a topic- but for the most part it was great.
There's a part of me scared of feeling like the bigger person. I'm taller and larger than him. I feel like, when I'm larger, that I'm not allowed to act small. To shy away into someones arms, to be a little spoon, to feel protected. I have to be the more dominant one. At least, that's what my brain is telling me. And I don't want to be. For once in my life, I don't want to be asked to stand tall and be my proudest self. I want to be vunerable, feel like a little mouse you cup in your hands. It's a lot to ask for.
Especially considering, I need to be open minded. There's nothing wrong with me having a shorter partner. Because feelings can just happen out of nowhere. but I don't want to be powerful, I just want to feel safe.
university is about wondering if everybody around you hates you, and then having the most dogshit sandwich of your life. then you go dance to pitbull @ da club
All your life, you’re not “pretty”. You’re not “beautiful” , you're not “skinny”. You’re fucking weird and can’t do shit with people. They can’t imagine you being in a relationship. You’re to independent, you’re a strong independent woman. But you’re fuking dependant alright. you want it so so bad.
But the one thing you’re told. “Oh you can sing!” “god, can you draw and paint!” “you’re so kind” “you’re so creative” “you give the best hugs!”
You develop yourself outside of this normal beauty standard. maybe someone will love this.
And suddenly you come along, wanting this “artistic, musical” girlfriend. I think-
“Oh wow, suddenly somebody wants me!”
And it turns out, no, because apparently I am not enough again. And you go off and do everything I fantasised about doing with you with this girl who, by all means, matches me beat for beat. She paints you in henna like I wanted, she has the voice I wanted to serenade you with.
But what does she have that I don’t? Well, I bet she’s bloody beautiful.
I hate my emotions because what do you mean the smell of the air made me sad, it smelled like an airport breeze and I suddenly got the urge to hop on a plane and go somewhere far
just started getting emotional about the children I don't have. I'm just looking at my baby names list and. imaganing what type of person they'd grow up to be. they'd look like their mama :(( I would look in their face and feel like I'm looking in a mirror without scrutinising everything :(( because I'll love them :((
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