tam

My name's Tam, I'm 26 years old, and sometimes i like to write. multistan

[it-snotam]

not mine - part 1

jun (svt) x fem/reader

angst

1.2k word count

warnings: minors DNI, pregnancy, cheating, the main characters are quite toxic

part 1 / ?

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The sun was just setting down as Jen found herself sitting down on the edge of the tub, but she was too busy to notice, her eyes were fixed on the white test in her hands.

She doesn’t remember when things started to go downwards in her life, but it’s been around a week or more since she started to feel weird, she would get dizzy or would feel too tired all the time, but she blamed it on work, the last few weeks have been a nightmare.  

“are you hiding something? Are you pregnant?” Lina said, jokingly as soon as she walked into the office, looking as pale as a ghost after being sick in the bathroom.

“don’t be stupid” she said

She couldn’t be pregnant right? She tried to push the idea away but was an unsuccessful attempt.

She never pictured herself with a baby.

She never pictured herself with Jun’s baby.

Oh Jun, he would totally freak out.

She can’t remember the first time she saw Jun, he’s been part of her life for a long time, although they had lost contact due to university, they had found their way back to each other, as if it was meant to be, and it was like time had never pass between them, the same persons tied together, they had so much and at the  same time so little in common, Jen was the quiet one, while Jun always filled the room either with his voice or only with his warm  presence, they would spend a lot of time together, everyone would think they were dating or something, they would always be together at the parties, always in the other personal space.

And they could’ve been something, they could’ve been in love, but Jen had always been afraid of relationships, it was too much for her, and when Jun proposed the idea, after one night in which they had ended up in the same bed, under the same sheets.

“You know we can work” He said as his thumb rubbed small patterns on her bed.

“We’re good like this, why change things up?” She whispered looking into his eyes and leaned for a kiss.

Jun looked unsure, but he didn’t want to press on it, and ended up accepting this weird kind of relationship, not official, not names, no tags, just them, together whenever they needed each other, and it was fine no strings attached, just them.

Since the nature of the relationship wasn’t the “normal” one, they never got to discuss the terms of it, they never made it clear if it was exclusive or not, because for Jen, he was enough, but she didn’t know if she was enough for him.

They worked fine for a long time, around two years, in which they shared their dreams, their free time and their beds. Until things started to overturn, it was slowly at first, Jun would start to message less, and they would spend less time together, she didn’t want to think too much about it, she blamed it on work, they’ve been busy, they would work it out. But what once was a daily meeting, turned into once a week, and then even once every two weeks. Jen found herself longing for him, hoping she hadn’t done anything wrong.

She tried not to worry, she really tried, she convinced herself it was just in her head that it was nothing to worry about, until that party, it was Wonwoo’s birthday, the night was full of energy, it was the right time to be celebrating, she was having a great time until she saw him, but he wasn’t alone, he was with a girl she had never seen before, she was gorgeous, and Jun eyes were locked on her, and she could feel a loud pain starting on her heart, now she could understand why he had started to get away from her, why he had changed so suddenly and why she felt that he was running away from her. She didn’t know how to react.

“Hey Jen” Jun said with a soft smile, as his eyes scanned her face and she had to smile back. “Hanni, this is Jen, my best friend” He said looking at the girl which was beside him.

“Nice to meet you” She had a nice voice and sounded like a sweet girl, she tried keeping the smile “I’m Jun’s girlfriend” she added and she felt like the air had been stolen from her lungs.

She had spent the night before with him, she had slept in Jun’s arms only to find out that now he had a girlfriend.

“nice to meet you” she said, trying to keep a soft smile and then looked over a Jun, she couldn’t read his impression.

She didn’t stay long in the party and went home feeling empty inside, blaming herself, she never thought Jun would start to date someone else, what was she now? Was it over between them?

Jun took a couple days before texting her.

you home? miss u

She tried ignoring it, he had a girlfriend.

just got here

She ended replying, she knew they needed to talk, but when she opened the door, she forgot about it and let herself fall back into his arms, she knew it was wrong, that they could hurt some people, that they could end up hurting, but being with him felt like the only real thing she had ever had in her life.

Jun wouldn’t stay the night anymore, and the meetings were strictly at her apartment, late at night, when no one would notice, and she accepted it, because having Jun like that was the only way in which she could see herself having him. They would still talk like old friends and then share the bed like lovers, she would see Jun and Hanni all over social media, but he would never mention her when he was with her.

She knew that she needed to end up things sooner or later, but she didn’t know how, she had forgotten about how to live without him, and the same thing seemed to happen to him, that’s how they continued sharing more stolen moments where they would meet up briefly before Jun’s girlfriend arrives, share soft kisses in the dark, where no one could see them, stolen half nights under the moonlight, stolen touches under the table when no one could see, it was slowly killing her inside, but she would rather have him this way than no having him at all.

-

She heard the main door and she panicked for a small moment, she was still in her bathroom, she had sat down on the floor while still holding the test, she didn’t know who it could be but she put the test hidden in one of the drawers in the bathroom and tried to hold back her tears before going to open the door.

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hope you like it! let me know if you wanna be tagged in the next part

[it-snotam]

what if...

jun (svt) x fem/reader

angst, smut, fluff.

1.2k word count

warnings: minors DNI,

a/n: hello, wrote this before going to be, I didn’t proofread it, just wanted to finish something for once in a while, hope you like it 😊

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Realizing i had fallen in love with the only person I shouldn’t was something that took me years to do. I’ve known him for a long time, more than a decade to be exact, and I can still remember the shine in his eyes when he first looked at me.

Hey, I’m Jun – he said, his eyes were outshined by that big smile of him.

I had never seen someone who looked so kind like he did, I wanted to be his friend immediately, but that didn’t happen right away, we were more like acquaintances, but I was happy just to be greeted by him.

I watched him grow up, and date several other girls, as we became closer. He was always into the prettiest girls from our grade, and then he started dating younger girls. Although he seemed like a confident kind of guy, when I got to meet him properly, I noticed he was actually an introverted guy, showing only what he wanted to the rest of the world, and I liked to believe that he was his true self with me.

I liked being silly with him, listening to all of this stories, and he listened to me, he had always funny stories, and loved to see the brighter side of the world, while I was whining about how unfair life was to me. I guess we kind of complemented each other.

The day of our graduation, it was the first day that he said he really loved me as his best friend, and I was happy about it, even thought when I wanted to be way more than that, but I couldn’t complain.

It was saddening when university days arrived, and we didn’t have time to see each other. Nothing was the same anymore. We lost contact over the following two years or so. A common friend told me he had moved and abandoned university because he wasn’t sure about what he wanted to be. I stayed in, studying to become a teacher wasn’t really in my plans, but it was what I could afford, and at the time, I thought it was gonna be temporary (jokes on me).

I would always remember his birthday, and he would sometimes remember mine, I always got over excited about the idea of him thinking about me. I think I would never know if he got excited about getting my text.

It was for one of those birthdays, that we reconnected and he invited me over to his house, it wasn’t nothing special, he had invited some of our common friends, so I was happy to go.

We planned on meeting in a store that was nearish his house, he lived in the countryside, and he would come pick us up. When I saw him, I felt my heart beating faster and my cheeks got red, I was flushing so hard, I almost felt embarrassed, but I guess he didn’t mind, cause he hugged me into his arms. He was definitely taller, and handsomer if I might add.

I missed you – he whispered in my ear and I couldn’t avoid blushing even more.

I missed you too, happy birthday – I whispered and he smiled brightly before hugging the rest of us.

The night was fun, it was fun reconnecting with people that used to be part of my daily life, it was so nice to empty my mind and be a teenager again. I enjoyed eating and drinking with our friends. I couldn’t remember what time some of the started to go to their houses, including the friend that had told me I could stay by hers.

Stay here, I’ll drive you to your house in the morning – Jun said as we sat down on the couch with a couple more of friends who were still there.

How could I say not to that? His eyes were sparkling, of course he was a little drunk, and I was as well, spending the night at his place, was the best idea I could think at that time of the night.

I remember feeling so cold, he lend me a warm sweater of his, it smelled just like I remember and I could’ve stayed in this moment for a very long time. But I was still feeling cold.

Can you hug me? – I whispered as he got in the bed beside me, I saw his smile and I smiled back.

He didn’t reply, but he wrapped his strong arms around me, he was warm and it was nice.

I playfully slid my hands under his shirt, my hands were cold against his warm skin and I felt him almost jumping at the touch.

You’re so cold – he whispered in my ear and his hands slid under my shirt, every spot he touched, was now warmer and my skin was turning into goosebumps

I felt his hands exploring my back and I continued to touch his body, I was feeling a lot less cold by then. We were lazily just holding each other, until I looked up at his eyes and he was so close to me, his lips seemed so close to mine.

Everything happened in a blur, his lips were pressed onto mine and soon I was pressed onto the mattress, with his body covering mine.

They were sweet kisses at first, but the moment was turning warmer by the second and the clothes seemed to be in our way, so I felt how he undid my shirt and pants, and I undid his, the warmth on his skin was so nice against mine, I was in truly heaven.

I had never expected to be in a position like this with him, cause he had never looked at me in a special way. But here I was sharing his bed, our bodies pressed against the other, no clothes in the way and our lips still connected. I explored his body with my palms and I tried to memorize this moment.

Thing got intense, and the kiss wasn’t so sweet anymore, our bodies needed more, I needed more. I felt him adjusting himself and then pushing inside me. We were connected to a deeper level. We both started to move together, looking for our release while we continued kissing and trying not to make any noise since we didn’t want to wake his parents that were in their room.

Our sweaty bodies fell onto the bed, we were exhausted, it was near the early hours of the morning and the sky was starting to look more bright, he smiled at me, and kissed my cheek before pulling away from my body and we both fell asleep.

It would be ideal to say that we started something that day. Because we didn’t, I guess life got in the way. That was the last day I saw him, I haven’t talked to him in ages, I don’t know where he’s leaving, if he’s dating someone.

The morning after wasn’t the greatest, I think that stopped me for moving forward with saying anything about it. He didn’t looked pleased to see me still in his bed, it was the alcohol talking for him last night, it was the alcohol and not his real feelings.

I stopped seeing the man of my dreams that day, I didn’t stop thinking about him thought, or imagining that if I were prettier he would probably love me. I guess he wasn’t the one for me, but

[it-snotam]

jun (svt) drabble

Jun was the light at the end of a tunnel, I didn’t know it when I first saw him, but I know it now.

We met in that coffee shop that really caught my attention the first time I saw it, walking down the streets of Seoul, it was a nice place, it seemed quiet.

We met again, in the same coffee shop, and then a third time, and a fourth.

I agreed on sitting down have a coffee with him, he was nice, and I had my guard down, so I let him cross a lot of the walls I keep up when meeting new people.

We exchanged numbers, it was nice waking up to a good morning text.

Soon I was constantly waiting for his texts.

I would leave everything behind to go meet him when he asked me out, I wiped out my whole schedule so I could go meet up with him.

Waking up by his side was a whole different story.

And saying goodbye to him.

Saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

[it-snotam]

would you like to read a second part to waiting on him?

yes

nope

Voting ended onJun 16, 2023

I've thinking about it, but i don't know if I should

[it-snotam]

Ok, looks like I’ll be posting a second part, I’ll start working on it, let me know if you wanna be tagged ;) (●'◡'●)

[it-snotam]

would you like to read a second part to waiting on him?

yes

nope

Voting ended onJun 16, 2023

I've thinking about it, but i don't know if I should

[it-snotam]

waiting on him - wonwoo (svt)

Waking up beside Wonwoo was one of the best feelings in the world, his warm body next to mine and his arm around my waist, keeping me close to him, as if it were possible for me to try and scape his side. I liked the feeling of thinking I was his, even if it was only for the night. It didn’t last though, it never did. He woke up quickly, and soon he started to curse as he stood up from the bed.  

I opened my eyes a bit, I missed the feeling of having him next to me, he continued to move around the room as he got dressed to head out. “Morning” I whispered, but he didn’t bother in answering, he never did, and I was used to it.

“Get up, you need to leave before they find you in here” He said before walking out the room putting his glasses on.

I stood up from the warm bed, and I pick up my clothes getting dressed before walking outside as he was now on his phone probably checking his schedule, a neatly packed bag was beside him, he mentioned something about leaving for Japan in the morning, but he never put many details in.

“See you around” I say softly grabbing my keys and my purse.

He muttered something and I gave him a small smile as I walked out his apartment, going to the elevator and heading to my floor.

----

I can still remember the first night I saw Wonwoo, I was freshly new in the country, and I was exploring the neighborhood, I found out a nice convenience store and picked out a couple things, so I was carrying many bags and decided to use the elevator.

The first thing that caught my attention about him was his height, he was so much taller than myself, but he seemed to be a nice person, his facial expressions were relaxed, and he seemed confident but not overconfident. I still was too shy to talk to him, so I just stared at him until we both got into the elevator.

“What floor are you going?” He asked and I jumped a little not expecting him to notice me.

“4th” I replied, and he nodded while pressing the button to my floor.

----

Weeks passed by, I would usually see him around, and he would greet me with a smile and I would do the same. I couldn’t help it but feel nervous every time we would share the elevator.

“Are you new here?” He asked and who would have thought that this question would have started to change everything between us.

“Yeah, I moved here 2 months ago” I said, and he nodded, with a soft smile on his lips.

“See you around then” He said and walked out the elevator.

---

We continued to meet up in the elevator, we usually came back from work at the same time, and we liked to exchange nonsense talk and that’s how I found out that his name was Wonwoo, and that he lived on his own, he was nice, and I was very attracted to him, and I hoped he was to me.

I was constantly thinking about him, I was even dreaming of him. He was on a business trip or something like that, I hadn’t seen him in days, and I was surprised when I found him in the elevator, he smiled at me, and I wanted to jump into his arms.

“You’re back!” I said with a smile on my face.

He smiled with my reaction and nodded “How have you been?” I smiled and we both get into the elevator, it was our routine, talk while we were in the elevator and like if we were close friends, I told him about my work how the kids were doing in class, and he told me what a good time he had with his friends while on the business trip.

“Wanna come up for a coffee?” he asked me, and I was more than surprised, we have never crossed the line of going to the other’s apartment.

I didn’t have to think about it twice “yes!” I said and he smiled walking out the elevator and asking me to follow him. I didn’t feel weird once I was inside his apartment, it felt nice and cozy, just like Wonwoo made me feel.

I can’t recall how things ended the way they did last night, we drank the coffee he promised, and eat some biscuits he had. But then I don’t exactly know how his lips ended up on mine, how his hands moved from my cheek and onto my waist.

I don’t remember how everything changed so quickly, one moment we were kissing and the next I was following him into his room, the clothes that were on our bodies were soon discarded on the floor and I almost jumped when I felt his warm skin against mine, the kiss turned hungrier and deeper. His warm touch turning me on even more if possible. “Can I?” He asked before undoing my bra, the last piece of clothing on my body, and I would never say no.

I felt the mattress against my back and his body hovering mine, my hands tracing his muscles as he leaned to kiss me again while he aligned himself in my entrance, I would kill someone to feel him for the first time again, feel his length filling me up just nice. The way in which he started to move and I moved with him, both of us looking for our climax, and soon we were there, I felt him explode inside me just after I did it myself. In that moment, in that very same moment I knew I was totally falling for him, and that I would do anything to be by his side.

But dreams aren’t long in this world, and he woke me up right away from my daydream. He stood up still breathing heavily, and started to get dressed while I looked at him and soon I started to mimic his actions, he looked over at me and gave me a soft smile, “See you in the elevator” I said and he nodded, while I walked out his room, and his apartment going over to mine.

I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.

---

It’s been almost a year since that first night that changed it all, at the beginning we would still meet up in the elevator until he invited me over to his apartment, once we exchanged number, he would call up or text me and I would go over, we would spend some time together, but we would always end up in his bed.

I was constantly waiting on him, waiting for him to like me, to love me the same way I loved him.

---

hope you like it xo :)

[it-snotam]

should I post the full scenario of waiting on him? or should I wait?

[it-snotam]

waiting on him - wonwoo (svt)

I'm writing something, I don't know if I'll finish it but, I'm having fun about it, would you want to read it tho?

Waking up beside Wonwoo was one of the best feelings in the world, his warm body next to mine and his arm around my waist, keeping me close to him, as if it were possible for me to try and scape his side. I liked feeling of thinking I was his, even if it was only for the night. It didn’t last though, it never did. He woke up quickly, and soon he started to curse as he stood up from the bed.  

[it-snotam]

red string - chapter 3

changkyun x (fem) emily

angst, smut, fluff, mostly angst tho

The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.

2.4k word count

warnings: mentions of not wanting to live, mentions of ED, mentions of car accident and d**th

a/n: after like 5 months i'm back! sorry life happens! as always, let me know if you want me to tag you, hope to upload the next one next week or so.

chapter 1 / chapter 2

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Ouch, I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah, I think that I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

breathe me – sia

I shook my head, as if that would make the memories go away, like if would erase my memory and would change what had happened so many years ago, and I thought it had worked out, while I walked into what used to be my room, the same bed was there, the same furniture and the same color was on the walls, everything was exactly as it was  when I left a couple years ago. But I didn’t feel in the same way I did when I was a teenager, I felt different, I was different, years had changed me and every day I felt more broken than the day before.

I laid down on the bed with hopes to take a nap, and I was able to do so almost immediately, the bed was absolutely comfortable, I didn’t remember it being so comfy, and of course, after a week of sleeping in a hard hospital bed, I think any bed would feel like an actual paradise.

I didn’t notice my surroundings for a while, I was exhausted, but my brother walked into the room to wake me up. As soon as I opened my eyes, I saw him standing in front of my bed carrying a tray with food. I wasn’t hungry, but I didn’t want to argue with him anymore, all we have done ever since he took me to the hospital was argue, and a piece of me, very deep inside, understood that he was only doing this cause he was worried about me, cause he wanted me to be ok, and cause he loved me, and I loved him as well, even when he could be a pain in the ass. So, I sat up and eat a couple bites of the sandwich and drank from the juice, he only watched me as I didn’t say a word and just ate at my own pace.

—It’s so weird you haven’t said anything about the food —he said taking the tray once he was satisfied with the amount of food I had taken.

—Don’t get used to it —I said as I rest my head on the wall behind my bed.

Hyunwoo shook his head, but said nothing else and walks out the room while carrying the tray and closes the door. I stay in the same position as before and look at the ceiling, I didn’t have my phone so I wasn’t sure about the time it was, and there wasn’t any other clocks in the room. Talking about my phone, I would have to go over to my apartment, I wasn’t really worried about not having it with me, I wasn’t used to having it with me all the time, and I doubted someone would have tried to reach me while I was in the hospital. But in this moments in which I had nothing else to do, a phone would be really useful. My laptop wasn’t in sight neither, so I couldn’t even listen to music. I could make an effort and walk out my room and watch tv in the living room, but I wasn’t in the mood for moving right now.

So I just stayed there, doing nothing. Hyunwoo walked in the room again and I noticed the sky has turned dark already, he was now carrying a mug full of milk, I wasn’t a big fan of milk, but I was trying to be nice with my brother.

—Do you need anything else? I’m going to bed —he said as he puts the glass over the night table beside my bed.

—No thanks, I’m sleeping as well.

—There’s a new toothbrush in the bathroom and anything you might need.

—Thanks —I answered and smiled a little.

—You’ll be joining me tomorrow at work —he added and I frowned, opening my mouth to protest—, nothing will make me change my mind, so suck it up.

—But...

—Good night —he cut me up and left the room.

What was I supposed to do while my brother worked? I growl and go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I didn’t really want to do so, but I didn’t want to sleep with a dirty mouth either. Once I’m finished, I go back to the bed and adjust myself under the blankets, I turn off the light. I try to find a comfy position to sleep in, but I just can’t.

When I finally found a position in which I could feel like falling asleep again, and I tried but I couldn’t, my mind started to wonder, and I start thinking. And if you didn’t know already, the worst part of starting thinking when you want to sleep, is that the memories start coming back, and those memories that we don’t want, are the first to come. Soon I found myself with my throat feeling tight and my hands sweating, and the tears were about to pop out my eyes.

All the memories from the accident came to my head, my parents’ faces, the way in which the light left their eyes in an instant. The feeling of being useless. When I realized I was crying the tears were already all over my pillow. I couldn’t bear the pain that was eating me alive, I hated those memories. I hated feeling guilty every time they would come back.

But it was my fault, they were driving because of me. I wanted to go see the snow, and they wanted to make me happy, so they drove me to the outskirts, cause I insisted enough.  Dad drove all the way there, it was a lovely day, we really enjoyed ourselves, we took a lot of pictures and when we realized, it was really getting late, the snow was still falling, while we took the highway back, it was just horrible. The fog didn’t allow us to see the road ahead, we could barely see  10 meters ahead, and the light were completely useless.

Dad decided to park in the edge of the road, in hopes of waiting for the storm to dim, but it didn’t. And around 5 minutes later we found out we weren’t in fact at the edge of the road.

Whenever I close my eyes, I could still hear the engine of the other car, the sound of metal crashing, the sparks that ignited the sky and the glass that broke and got inside both cars. I really tried to push everything away, I’ve tried to block the memories so they would stop hurting me, but I couldn’t, and the therapy hasn’t really helped me to deal with it all. It would still trigger me somehow.

I felt a hand touching my arm, and trying to comfort me, when I opened my eyes, I noticed my brother has come in because he Heard me crying. He was hugging me hoping that would soothe me, I hated hugs though, I hated having someone that close to me, it would make me cry even harder than before. I needed space, I needed to breathe and I needed to be alone.

—Are you ok, little one? —he said with a sweet and calming tone. I could still notice he was worried as well.

—Go away.

—I wouldn’t do that.

—I want and need to be alone.

—You’ve been alone for long, talk to me.

—Leave me alone.

—At least tell me why you’re crying.

I just ignored him, I knew it wasn’t ok, and that he was just trying to help, but I wasn’t used to someone else seeing me crying. I hated the feeling of being weak in front of others. And I didn’t want to talk with him about this, we have never talked about it before, he would blame me and I had enough by feeling this guilt inside.

He finally gave up with the idea of making me talk and sat down beside me, and started to stroke my hair, it felt nice for a short while, and I tried to calm myself down, cause I would still sob with my face hidden on the pillow, which by now was completely damped. I didn’t realize I was sleeping until I opened my eyes and the sky was clearing already.

[it-snotam]

red string - chapter 1

changkyun x (fem) emily

angst, smut, fluff, mostly angst tho

The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.

1.4k word count

warnings: mentions of not wanting to live, mentions of ED a/n: i wrote this so long ago, so the songs at the beginning. let me know if you want me to tag you when i post another chapter :) ---------------------------------------------------

I'm a ghost of a girl

That I want to be most

I'm the shell of a girl

That I used to know well

the lonely – christina perri

At some point in life, I wasn’t quite sure when, but everything started to go wrong in my life, even when it sounds dramatic, that’s exactly how I felt. The feel of staying in bed and sleeping was the only thing keeping me alive. I didn’t want to do much, just sleep, and dream, dream about a life in which I was happier, I was just the opposite of how I’ve been feeling lately.  

Ok, I know I have a thing for the drama, my brother kept telling me that when I was little, and I think it never went away, but got bigger while I was getting bigger. I knew there were people going through hardest things that I could ever imagined, I also knew that nothing out of the extraordinary was going on in my life, it was just boring, I didn’t quite felt like waking up into another day, that would be the repetition of the day before, and so on, it didn’t feel worth it, just living for living a live without passion without love or friends.

Talking about friends, I had started to get away from them again, they were used to it by now, they didn’t care, and they wouldn’t put an effort in reaching out after the first few couple of weeks, because they know it was worthless. I wouldn’t say I didn’t feel sad knowing that my friends, or so called friends weren’t reaching out, cause deep, deep inside my heart? I didn’t were, but I was hoping they would notice, that I wasn’t ok, but at the same time, I just didn’t want to interact with another human being, I could barely tolerate myself sometimes.  

The days in which I enjoyed going out where buried in the past, I could remember liking doing a lot of things, lot of things I had stopped doing, I remember I used to play the guitar, but I’m not sure of having one anymore, or if I’m still capable of playing a musical instrument at all.

At this point, I’d been stuck in my room for two full days, I haven’t been out of bed unless it was totally necessary, I didn’t remember when it was the last time, I had eaten, I remember maybe drinking a bit of water, there was a glass on my night table so I guess I did. All my room was a complete mess, the curtains were closed, since I didn’t want to make the effort to open them, so the darkness of the room was saddening, and not matter how hard I tried, the heaviness that was over my chest wouldn’t go away.

Being in bed, with a dark room, didn’t quite tell me what time of the day it was, my phone’s battery was almost dead on the night table and I couldn’t bring myself to move and grab it to look at the time, nor did I worry about having it turned on, it was weird that someone would call or text me. The only person that I’d say that wanted to call me, was my brother, but it wasn’t too often that he would do so, it was only when he remembered he had a sister.

I could hear in the distance, not so far away cause it was just beside me, that my phone had started to ring, or at least vibrate with an upcoming call, I could see the lighting of the screen, but I couldn’t or wanted to move and grab it, cause I was too comfy, it’s been a while since I’ve been this comfy in bed, and I didn’t want to mess it up to pick up a call that I knew was gonna make me even more upset that I was right now. I knew it was Hyunwoo, talking with him was not on the books right now, he would made me feel like a burden cause he would worry and I was supposed to be an adult, and an adult is supposed to figure things out on their own, so I didn’t have to go and worry my older brother with my stupid little things.

The call finished, but not long after, another call started, the screen showed his face again. I knew that I had to answer now, and I would do, at some point, I would find the strength, knowing my brother as I know him, he is right now starting to freak out and is about to call the police to start the search all around town. And I also knew that he would end up coming here, and I know he was completely capable of kicking out the door in the process.

I didn’t care about the door, thought, and I wouldn’t say I care about much of things nowadays. So, thinking about my options, the best one was to ignore him, until he gives up and stop calling, cause he’d realize, I didn’t want to talk to him, and I wanted to enjoy time by myself, I wanted to go back to sleep to cause I didn’t want to start thinking, my thoughts were driving me insane. I just wanted to go to dreamland where everything was possible.

At some point I think I fell asleep, maybe it was the lack of food I had eaten, or maybe it was sleep time, I think my phone finally ran out of battery completely so no calls woke me up. I don’t exactly know for how long I was asleep, but I opened my eyes, and I wasn’t fully conscious about being really awake or if it was a dream, I wasn’t sure if I had slept for real or if I was just imagining it. The sky seemed to have gotten dark, since I couldn’t see no sun streaks in the room, even if it was morning or night, I was completely lost in time, and I didn’t know about what day it was or the month. The only thing I was sure of, I was in my room, and I was comfortable enough not to move anymore, and the worse thing is that I didn’t know if I could move if I wanted to.

Even after sleeping or sort of sleeping for long hours, I was still feeling tired, really exhausted, my eyes were heavy and I couldn’t control them, so they were closing down and I lost consciousness once again, I could only hear a noise which seemed so far away.

Maybe I should be worried about someone walking into the house, and steal everything from me, but my energy level was at its lowest and I couldn’t really care. The sound I could hear was getting louder, and I could almost hear a voice calling my name.

I believed to know who it was, and I just wanted him to leave already, I didn’t want to see him, I thought it was obvious that I didn’t want to talk to him when I didn’t answer his calls, but my brother was insisting and stubborn, and he wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t sleep with all the noise he was making, I couldn’t open my eyes either, it was like I was stuck in my body, and I felt so tired.

The noise stopped and I thought he had left, but I was more than wrong since a louder noise followed and my heart almost ran out of my body, but I didn’t feel like moving from my safe place.

I could head Hyun Woo’s steps inside the apartment, and even when my eyes were closed, I could feel his gaze on me when he finally walked into the room. I could picture him there standing, arms closed, messy hair, heavy breathing and totally pissed.

—Go away — I said as I hid even more under my blankets, uncomfortable under his strong gaze.

—Get out of there, you need to shower. —he said as he moved the blankets out of my body, and away so I couldn’t grab them and hide under them anymore.

—Go away, I want to sleep.

—I won’t go until you get your ass out of that bed.

—Fuck off Hyunwoo —I said as I sat up quickly enough, I had all the intention to kick his ass out of the apartment so I could go back to my peace.

But as soon as I moved, the room started to move around me, I knew I didn’t have to move, I knew I was ok lying down. I tried talking and curse at my brother again, but before opening my lips, everything turned black.

-

—Emily —Hyunwoo said as he grabbed his sister’s body, she had fainted, and he got to caught her just before she would fall down. She seemed to have been stuck in bed for a really long time.

He was really worried, she had stopped answering and haven’t showed any signal of being alive since the past weekend, and today was Thursday. Something which was rather common in Emily, but this time it was different, she seemed even more tired than usual the last time he has seen her.

In less than a minute he was driving her to the hospital. He knew her too well, and it hurts him to see her like this.

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[it-snotam]

FINALLY SAT DOWN TO REWRITE THE NEXT CHAPTER, SHOULD BE READY TOMORROW :)

[it-snotam]

hey, i hope to post the next chapter of the red strong today, or tomorrow! been busy with work x.x

[it-snotam]

red string - chapter 2

changkyun x (fem) emily

angst, smut, fluff, mostly angst tho

The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.

2.4k word count

warnings: mentions of not wanting to live, mentions of ED

a/n: here goes the second chapter, hope you like it :)

chapter 1

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Hold

Hold on

Hold on to me

'Cause I'm a little unsteady

A little unsteady

unsteady – x ambassadors

I woke up feeling confused, I wasn’t sure about where I was, or did get here, because it was clearly not my apartment, nor my room. I could hear a machine beeping beside me, and it was hurting my ears, and my headache, I’ve just realized I had, was getting worse. I slowly opened my eyes, and the room was so white, I couldn’t see a thing clearly, I had gotten used to the darkness of my room. Talking about my room, being in my room was my last memory, how on earth I ended up here?

As I was coming back to my senses, I could start to feel every single part of my body hurting, and my mouth was so dry, I didn’t know if I was capable of talking at all, I felt like I had just finished running a marathon, but that very unlikely coming from me. I tried sitting up, but a hand stopped any moves I could do, that’s when I realized that I wasn’t alone in the room. It took me a while to realize that the person beside me was Hyunwoo, he had huge and dark eyebags under his kind eyes. His kind eyes which were blurred by another feeling now, his eyes were filled with worry, and I knew it was my fault.

—Hey you —he said and a small smile appeared on his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

—Hey —I managed to say, but my voice was raspy and as soon as the words started to come out, my throat started hurting—. What am I doing here?

—It happened again ­—he sighed—, you stopped answering my calls or texts, nobody had seen you in a week, so I had to go to your apartment, —he breathes out again — why did it happened this time?

—I don’t want to talk about it... —my voice sounded raspy again and I started coughing even harder than before.

My brother handed me a glass of water, well he didn’t actually hand it over, he just held it close to my mouth and I took a sip from it, it was kinds magical how it practically stopped my coughing and soothed my throat pain, but at the same time, feeling the liquid going in my throat felt kind of weird.  

—You’ll have to talk about it, sooner or later, Em. It’s been months since the last time, and now you had locked in your room again and stopped eating for more than a week ago. You could’ve really died this time, you know that right?

That was the idea, I thought, but I didn’t put it into words, I didn’t want him getting upset, more upset that he was already, I knew he only wanted me to be ok, he wanted me to go back and be the Emily I was in the past. But I hardly thought that would ever happen.

—I have a headache, can we talk later?

I could hear him sighing, and clenching his teeth, like he does when he is frustrated, when something in the studio doesn’t go like he had planned, and I was one of those projects he couldn’t figure out.

—I’ll go call the doctor —he said and left the room, leaving me alone, and the truth that I was comfortable alone, I had gotten used to it.

Not long after, Hyunwoo walked back in, followed by an older guy which I supposed was the doctor since he was wearing a White apron over the dark blue scrubs.

—How are you feeling? —the man with the scrubs asked me.

—My throat is a bit sore and I’m having a headache.

—that’s quite normal after you had starved yourself for days and sleeping for long hours doesn’t quite help it. —he said and looked at my brother.

—When can I go home?

—In a couple days, we need to make sure that you had recovered most of the nutrients you lost and that you are eating, would you like to talk about the reasons of you ending up here?

—Cause my brother is being hysterical.

—I’m being serious Emily —he said giving me a look and I just ignore it.

—I just wanna go home, I don’t like leaving my apartment alone for so long.

—The only place you’ll be going is my place­ —my brother got in the conversation.

—I’m not a little girl to be living with you.

—You can talk about that later, for now, I’ll be sending a nurse with some light lunch so you can start training your stomach back into eating. —the doctor added after writing some more into the medical record that was by the end of my bed.

He left the room to call the nurse and I was left once again alone with Hyunwoo, I didn’t want to be alone with him, I didn’t want to answer his questions, I wanted to go back to my bed, in my bed I had no worries. I knew I was being selfish, but I wanted to get out of here, the hospital wasn’t my favorite place in the world, and it gave me goosebumps.

—Can you do any of those magic tricks you know how to do to get me out of here earlier? You know I don’t quite like hospitals.

—No, and if I could, I wouldn’t —he said as he sat back down on the chair that was next to the bed.

I let out a breath and I try to find a comfy position on the bed, but the hospital bed  wasn’t the comfiest and I couldn’t move a lot since I was  attached to the machines in the room, and I’d got cables connected to most of my body, like if I could die at any second. I groaned frustrated with the world, mad at my brother for taking me here, and with the doctor because he agreed on keeping me locked in here.

I felt so much hatred for my brother, but I didn’t really hate him, I couldn’t hate my older brother, but I wished I could.

—Don’t you have anything better to do tan being here? If I recall correctly, you’ve got a family. —exactly like that is how I had started to push everyone away, by being completely rude with them.

I closed my eyed and I thought that those words would make Hyunwoo go away, he had always preferred his new family over me, I understood it, it hurt at the beginning, but I got used to sharing my brother. A couple minutes went by and Hyunwoo didn’t answered, so I was almost sure that he had left, so I opened my eyes only to find him in the same position he was when I closed my eyes, but he was even more tense than before and the expression on his face had changed completely from worrisome to sadness. Why would he be sad when talking about his family?

—She left home, a month ago.

—how come you didn’t tell me about it? —I said a bit shaken by the news.

My brother was completely, in love with his wife, so in love that anyone could realize how he felt by the way in which he looked at her, Deep inside I wanted to find someone who would look at me the way my brother looked at his wife. What on earth has happened that she had left him? Was this a sort of joke?

Being honest, I wasn’t the biggest fan of my sister-in-law, cause when she walked into my brother’s life, we were going through some adjustments in our family, and it was a bit of a shock to me to have her around. I knew that at some point Hyunwoo would fall in love, but I didn’t know it would happen when I needed him. She was the reason I moved out of his house into my own apartment, I didn’t feel comfortable being in the way of my brother being happy, after all he had gone through. He never minded I had to leave, and I didn’t blame him, because I wanted to have my own family as much as did.

—Maybe because you don’t go home or answer the phone even. —he said.

—But, how?

—thing weren’t working out, and it was the best solution we could figure out.

—but you love her...

—I loved her —he said, and I can see that saying those words out loud hurts him, it’s been years since they started their relationship, it’s been years living together, making a family for everything to turn out like this in the end? He was trying to look strong in front of me, but I knew him better.

I didn’t find any more words to say, I was never good at giving advice, or helping other people feel better, cause if I was barely good at it, I was sure I wouldn’t be in this situation. We stayed quite for a long while until the nurse finally walked inside with a tray of food. There wasn’t much food to be honest but thinking about eating caused me to feel nauseous. Hyunwoo kept an eye on me and made sure I ate both of the soft tasteless cookies with the jelly they had bought, and since I didn’t feel like fighting anymore, I just did as he said, and he seemed pleased with himself.

Hyun woo stayed all afternoon, sometimes he would tried to make me talk about what had happened, but I would close up and he would give up changing the topic or staying silent. I couldn’t answer his question because I didn’t know what was happening to me, I couldn’t understand my head and I didn’t know how to put it into words.

I had to eat once again in the afternoon and then the evening, same food different jelly flavor, I was full by the time the last nurse walk in and gave me a pill, I took it with a glass of water, and 15 minutes later, I started to feel my eyes really heavy and I fell deeply asleep on the hospital bed. Last thing I felt was my brother kissing my forehead and whispering a soft “Goodnight”

The following days were most of the same, I would wake up with a tray of food in the morning and they would bring me a bit more every day at the same time, my brother would come every day, he would make sure I had eaten, made small talk and then left when I was falling asleep. I had no other visitors because nobody knew I was here, and I was ok with that.

When I was finally allowed to get out of the bed, I think I jumped out of it, I couldn’t wait to get out of here, and take a shower to clean the hospital smell from my skin, the smell was driving me insane. The fast move made my muscles hurt, but I didn’t care because I was finally free. A nurse helped me to get changed, because I could barely move my arms, since they had been attached to several machines and had a ton of needles stuck into them as well.

Hyunwoo arrived early and he waited until I was ready and listen to all the suggestions made by the doctor, before he would take me to his car when I was ready, it was the morning of a nice and sunny day, it wasn’t hot, it was just my kind of day, the morning breeze still in the air, as the sun starts to rise on the sky. My brother drove through the busy streets and towards his house. My view got lost in the huge buildings of the city, and the people running fast to get to their works on time, it looked so busy but yet so attractive.

The road towards Hyunwoo’s house wasn’t as long as I had imagined, I breathe out when he parked in front of his house, I didn’t like being in here, I wasn’t 15 anymore. I was 22, and I had gotten used to being alone, I liked the silence, I liked to do things when I wanted to do then and not when Hyunwoo asked me to do them.

My brother helped me to get out of the car, I was still a bit weak and with the sudden moves I would get too dizzy, I was too stubborn to let him though.

—I don’t need your help, the doctor said I was fine. —I said trying walking on my own.

—when is gonna be the day that you can accept help without complaining?  —he said breathing out as he opened the door for me.

—I’ll when you stop treating as if I was a little girl. I’m not little anymore and I can make my own decisions.

—oh, you are not quite good at making decision little sis, if you were, you’d be at your apartment and not coming out of the hospital because you didn’t want to get out of the bed. —he said and raise a brow when I was gonna answer with something rude—, just walk inside.

I did as he said, cause even when I liked playing with him, I knew when to stop, he wasn’t in a good place just like I was, he had broken up with his wife, and now he had to have me around, and lead with my problem’s. I hated feeling like this, like the biggest burden of this world. I was ruining everyone’s lives.

—Your room is the same as always —he said not even looking at me, I think I had crossed a line and he would be upset at me for longer than a week.

—HyunWoo —I said, and he looked at me—. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a problem.

—You’re my Little sister, you’re not a problem, but you’re a pain in the ass. Go to rest Em.

I don’t know how to answer to that, maybe in the past I could’ve hugged him, but I had forgotten how to answer when someone was being nice with me. So, I just head upstairs little by little and walk into the room that used to be mine so long ago, when I moved in here, after the accident.

That damned accident.

I close my eyes, trying to push the memories away, but even when I try so hard, all the memories feel so real still, the car brakes, the crash, the glasses, the screams, the blood…

[it-snotam]

red string - chapter 1

changkyun x (fem) emily

angst, smut, fluff, mostly angst tho

The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.

1.4k word count

warnings: mentions of not wanting to live, mentions of ED a/n: i wrote this so long ago, so the songs at the beginning are quite old. let me know if you want me to tag you when i post another chapter :) ---------------------------------------------------

I'm a ghost of a girl

That I want to be most

I'm the shell of a girl

That I used to know well

the lonely – christina perri

At some point in life, I wasn’t quite sure when, but everything started to go wrong in my life, even when it sounds dramatic, that’s exactly how I felt. The feel of staying in bed and sleeping was the only thing keeping me alive. I didn’t want to do much, just sleep, and dream, dream about a life in which I was happier, I was just the opposite of how I’ve been feeling lately.  

Ok, I know I have a thing for the drama, my brother kept telling me that when I was little, and I think it never went away, but got bigger while I was getting bigger. I knew there were people going through hardest things that I could ever imagined, I also knew that nothing out of the extraordinary was going on in my life, it was just boring, I didn’t quite felt like waking up into another day, that would be the repetition of the day before, and so on, it didn’t feel worth it, just living for living a live without passion without love or friends.

Talking about friends, I had started to get away from them again, they were used to it by now, they didn’t care, and they wouldn’t put an effort in reaching out after the first few couple of weeks, because they know it was worthless. I wouldn’t say I didn’t feel sad knowing that my friends, or so called friends weren’t reaching out, cause deep, deep inside my heart? I didn’t were, but I was hoping they would notice, that I wasn’t ok, but at the same time, I just didn’t want to interact with another human being, I could barely tolerate myself sometimes.  

The days in which I enjoyed going out where buried in the past, I could remember liking doing a lot of things, lot of things I had stopped doing, I remember I used to play the guitar, but I’m not sure of having one anymore, or if I’m still capable of playing a musical instrument at all.

At this point, I’d been stuck in my room for two full days, I haven’t been out of bed unless it was totally necessary, I didn’t remember when it was the last time, I had eaten, I remember maybe drinking a bit of water, there was a glass on my night table so I guess I did. All my room was a complete mess, the curtains were closed, since I didn’t want to make the effort to open them, so the darkness of the room was saddening, and not matter how hard I tried, the heaviness that was over my chest wouldn’t go away.

Being in bed, with a dark room, didn’t quite tell me what time of the day it was, my phone’s battery was almost dead on the night table and I couldn’t bring myself to move and grab it to look at the time, nor did I worry about having it turned on, it was weird that someone would call or text me. The only person that I’d say that wanted to call me, was my brother, but it wasn’t too often that he would do so, it was only when he remembered he had a sister.

I could hear in the distance, not so far away cause it was just beside me, that my phone had started to ring, or at least vibrate with an upcoming call, I could see the lighting of the screen, but I couldn’t or wanted to move and grab it, cause I was too comfy, it’s been a while since I’ve been this comfy in bed, and I didn’t want to mess it up to pick up a call that I knew was gonna make me even more upset that I was right now. I knew it was Hyunwoo, talking with him was not on the books right now, he would made me feel like a burden cause he would worry and I was supposed to be an adult, and an adult is supposed to figure things out on their own, so I didn’t have to go and worry my older brother with my stupid little things.

The call finished, but not long after, another call started, the screen showed his face again. I knew that I had to answer now, and I would do, at some point, I would find the strength, knowing my brother as I know him, he is right now starting to freak out and is about to call the police to start the search all around town. And I also knew that he would end up coming here, and I know he was completely capable of kicking out the door in the process.

I didn’t care about the door, thought, and I wouldn’t say I care about much of things nowadays. So, thinking about my options, the best one was to ignore him, until he gives up and stop calling, cause he’d realize, I didn’t want to talk to him, and I wanted to enjoy time by myself, I wanted to go back to sleep to cause I didn’t want to start thinking, my thoughts were driving me insane. I just wanted to go to dreamland where everything was possible.

At some point I think I fell asleep, maybe it was the lack of food I had eaten, or maybe it was sleep time, I think my phone finally ran out of battery completely so no calls woke me up. I don’t exactly know for how long I was asleep, but I opened my eyes, and I wasn’t fully conscious about being really awake or if it was a dream, I wasn’t sure if I had slept for real or if I was just imagining it. The sky seemed to have gotten dark, since I couldn’t see no sun streaks in the room, even if it was morning or night, I was completely lost in time, and I didn’t know about what day it was or the month. The only thing I was sure of, I was in my room, and I was comfortable enough not to move anymore, and the worse thing is that I didn’t know if I could move if I wanted to.

Even after sleeping or sort of sleeping for long hours, I was still feeling tired, really exhausted, my eyes were heavy and I couldn’t control them, so they were closing down and I lost consciousness once again, I could only hear a noise which seemed so far away.

Maybe I should be worried about someone walking into the house, and steal everything from me, but my energy level was at its lowest and I couldn’t really care. The sound I could hear was getting louder, and I could almost hear a voice calling my name.

I believed to know who it was, and I just wanted him to leave already, I didn’t want to see him, I thought it was obvious that I didn’t want to talk to him when I didn’t answer his calls, but my brother was insisting and stubborn, and he wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t sleep with all the noise he was making, I couldn’t open my eyes either, it was like I was stuck in my body, and I felt so tired.

The noise stopped and I thought he had left, but I was more than wrong since a louder noise followed and my heart almost ran out of my body, but I didn’t feel like moving from my safe place.

I could head Hyun Woo’s steps inside the apartment, and even when my eyes were closed, I could feel his gaze on me when he finally walked into the room. I could picture him there standing, arms closed, messy hair, heavy breathing and totally pissed.

—Go away — I said as I hid even more under my blankets, uncomfortable under his strong gaze.

—Get out of there, you need to shower. —he said as he moved the blankets out of my body, and away so I couldn’t grab them and hide under them anymore.

—Go away, I want to sleep.

—I won’t go until you get your ass out of that bed.

—Fuck off Hyunwoo —I said as I sat up quickly enough, I had all the intention to kick his ass out of the apartment so I could go back to my peace.

But as soon as I moved, the room started to move around me, I knew I didn’t have to move, I knew I was ok lying down. I tried talking and curse at my brother again, but before opening my lips, everything turned black.

-

—Emily —Hyunwoo said as he grabbed his sister’s body, she had fainted, and he got to caught her just before she would fall down. She seemed to have been stuck in bed for a really long time.

He was really worried, she had stopped answering and haven’t showed any signal of being alive since the past weekend, and today was Thursday. Something which was rather common in Emily, but this time it was different, she seemed even more tired than usual the last time he has seen her.

In less than a minute he was driving her to the hospital. He knew her too well, and it hurts him to see her like this.

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next chapter

[it-snotam]

i'm thinking about re-uploading an old fanfic but make it about changkyun, the only problem is that my blog used to be about football so i don't know if there's any interested in reading :( haha

[lilpieceofmyworld]

[pretty-little0ne-deactivated202]

I hate having a body, it’s so high maintenance! Shower this, eat that, drink this, sleep that, it’s all very stupid

[mariogoetze]