I tend to overthink

I need to vent. To write down everything I want to say but can't

[itendtooverthink]

Mother said my brother has been cooking lunch and dinner this week. Of his own volition. Its nice

But that i havent been seen. I dont come downstairs, or offer to make dinner.

I didnt know there was an expectation. No one told me. My brother didn't use to cook this much before.

If he decided to do it now, why is it my fault that i didnt decide it? Why am i being held to the same expectations, without knowing about them, without being told about them.

Why are you making it my fault?

[itendtooverthink]

I dont inderstand

I'm sorry you felt like i accused you, but i only meant to joke

Yes, it does feel bad to be left out, but i made peace with it, it was my choice

I know you make many an effort to include me, and i am grateful

But it still hurts sometimes

Maybe you blew it out of proportion, maybe not. I cant read your mind. Maybe it sounded meaner than i meant it.

We already had a disagreement earlier, i think we were still upset. Maybe it was a chain reaction. Maybe not

But you got offended over an "disguised barb", and wanted me to apologise for it. I understand that

But you spent years prior today, barbing me. Every month, it feels like. And i told you you hurt me, that your barbs dig into me. But you denied it, and never apologised properly. Maybe said a sorry, to close the conversation.

And next month, you did it again. And again.

Im sorry my barb hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt you.

But why don't i deserve an apology? Why do you hold me to a standard you dont reach?

Why do i need to feel bad about barbing, and being barbed?

Its not fair.

But i will deal with it. I will put up with it a little more. I always do. It will get better. I have a happy future. I know i do.

[itendtooverthink]

I'm conflicted about Her

She was my best friend for over 10 years before she moved away

We met up a few times, when se came home and had time

In the last 3 years, we only met once, then she invited me to her wedding

I didn't even know the guy

She hasn't wrote to me since then

And now that we met again in chance, i felt like an outsider

I don't think she sees me as a close friend anymore

I don't think i see her as one either

[itendtooverthink]

It feels like leaving part of my heart behind

[neverlove-anchor]

"but aces and aros can be in relationships"

Yes, I know that, but do YOU know that aces and aros in relationships are still aces and aros? Do you internalize that? Are you aware that we don't just suddenly turn straight, or gay or anything else?

Yes, even demis

Are you aware that a sex repulsed asexual will still be sex repulsed even in a relationship, and so, might never fuck you?

Are you aware that a romance repulsed aro will still be romance repulsed even in a seemingly normative relationship and might not like doing typical romantic gestures and activities?

Are you aware that a sex neutral or positive asexual might not actually be sexually attracted to you at all even if they do fuck you?

Are you aware that a romance neutral or positive aro might not actually be romantically into you even if they are comfortable with typical romantic gestures?

Are you aware that our identities are just as permanent as yours?

[itendtooverthink]

I think i will be happier when i move out

I love my family

But its hard sometimes

I know i live better at my own pace

I cant do that with them

I need my own place

I cant wait to be my better self

[itendtooverthink]

I have just moved to my grandpa's house

Its for a month, for work

I love him, and i know he loves me too

But its going to be hard

He already had two strokes, and just recently lost my grandma

And he is openly homophobic

I am openly gay

He loves me

I love him

But he hurts me when he talks about "the gays"

[itendtooverthink]

I decided i was going to spend the days int he living room

So he can come talk to me when he wants to

I know he is lonely

I miss my private place, but i want to do this for him

[itendtooverthink]

Day two:

I was crocheting in the living room when he came out to talk

It was fine

Until he began talking about the gays again

He called us all pedophiles

Said we were unnatural

I moved back to my room

I dont want to talk to him today anymore

[itendtooverthink]

Today was bittersweet

A few years ago, my grandpa had a stroke. He had two before, but this was apparently different.

My grandma told me she felt like grandpa didn't love her anymore. That he acted and spoke to her differently, she felt that his love was changed.

I didn't really understand. I couldn't see the difference she was talking about. Grandpa has always been a bit crass, but he wasn't mean to grandma or anything that i could see. But I wasn't living with them, so i took my grandma's word for it.

Grandma died a few months ago. Grandpa is visibly grieving still.

Now that i moved in with grandpa, i see how he misses her.

He thanks me every time i go to the cemetery on my way home, to say hi to grandma. He thanks me for remembering her.

He told me he made a promise to himself. Grandma had a really pretty flower garden, but she was too weak in the end to care for it. It's overgrown and unkept now, it was too cold in the winter to work outside. But it's warm now, and grandpa swore he would make it pretty and healthy again, in memory of grandma. Said he wants to do it for her.

Grandpa says the winter was very long. That it's hard without grandma. I miss her too.

Sometimes we sit together next to the fireplace. Grandpa likes to tell stories about grandma, what she did, what she was like.

He remembers her, and loves her still.

[itendtooverthink]

I think homesickness is catching up to me, after two weeks here.

My eating problems came back

I can't sleep properly

I miss my family and friends

I feel like I'm missing out from my family's life. I can't be part of their programs, can't just sit down with them and talk. I know it's how it works, I'm on the other side of the country, but it still hurts.

Sometimes we video chat. Dad said they would call me back that evening. They still haven't called. They are probably just busy, but my anxiety still says they don't want to talk to me.

My friends are nice. I can talk to most of them about mundane things, but i don't burden them with my problems

I dont want to burden my bff either. I usually just spam him with Ig posts. He used to answer them, and send a few back. He hasn't done that this week at all. Haven't even looked at the last one i sent. I want to think he is busy, he has a life outside of me. But I can't help but think he is ignoring me. Maybe he had enough of me.

I feel so lonely

[itendtooverthink]

I have just moved to my grandpa's house

Its for a month, for work

I love him, and i know he loves me too

But its going to be hard

He already had two strokes, and just recently lost my grandma

And he is openly homophobic

I am openly gay

He loves me

I love him

But he hurts me when he talks about "the gays"

[itendtooverthink]

I decided i was going to spend the days int he living room

So he can come talk to me when he wants to

I know he is lonely

I miss my private place, but i want to do this for him

[itendtooverthink]

Day two:

I was crocheting in the living room when he came out to talk

It was fine

Until he began talking about the gays again

He called us all pedophiles

Said we were unnatural

I moved back to my room

I dont want to talk to him today anymore

[itendtooverthink]

Today was bittersweet

A few years ago, my grandpa had a stroke. He had two before, but this was apparently different.

My grandma told me she felt like grandpa didn't love her anymore. That he acted and spoke to her differently, she felt that his love was changed.

I didn't really understand. I couldn't see the difference she was talking about. Grandpa has always been a bit crass, but he wasn't mean to grandma or anything that i could see. But I wasn't living with them, so i took my grandma's word for it.

Grandma died a few months ago. Grandpa is visibly grieving still.

Now that i moved in with grandpa, i see how he misses her.

He thanks me every time i go to the cemetery on my way home, to say hi to grandma. He thanks me for remembering her.

He told me he made a promise to himself. Grandma had a really pretty flower garden, but she was too weak in the end to care for it. It's overgrown and unkept now, it was too cold in the winter to work outside. But it's warm now, and grandpa swore he would make it pretty and healthy again, in memory of grandma. Said he wants to do it for her.

Grandpa says the winter was very long. That it's hard without grandma. I miss her too.

Sometimes we sit together next to the fireplace. Grandpa likes to tell stories about grandma, what she did, what she was like.

He remembers her, and loves her still.

[itendtooverthink]

I have just moved to my grandpa's house

Its for a month, for work

I love him, and i know he loves me too

But its going to be hard

He already had two strokes, and just recently lost my grandma

And he is openly homophobic

I am openly gay

He loves me

I love him

But he hurts me when he talks about "the gays"

[itendtooverthink]

I decided i was going to spend the days int he living room

So he can come talk to me when he wants to

I know he is lonely

I miss my private place, but i want to do this for him

[itendtooverthink]

Day two:

I was crocheting in the living room when he came out to talk

It was fine

Until he began talking about the gays again

He called us all pedophiles

Said we were unnatural

I moved back to my room

I dont want to talk to him today anymore

[itendtooverthink]

I have just moved to my grandpa's house

Its for a month, for work

I love him, and i know he loves me too

But its going to be hard

He already had two strokes, and just recently lost my grandma

And he is openly homophobic

I am openly gay

He loves me

I love him

But he hurts me when he talks about "the gays"

[itendtooverthink]

I decided i was going to spend the days int he living room

So he can come talk to me when he wants to

I know he is lonely

I miss my private place, but i want to do this for him

[itendtooverthink]

I have just moved to my grandpa's house

Its for a month, for work

I love him, and i know he loves me too

But its going to be hard

He already had two strokes, and just recently lost my grandma

And he is openly homophobic

I am openly gay

He loves me

I love him

But he hurts me when he talks about "the gays"

[greysfields]

to all the queer kids who have parents who aren't openly homophobic but still not Nice about their queerness. Its okay to feel mad about it. Just because you're in a physically safe place doesn't mean that it can't be frustrating and heartbreaking to not be accepted. to feel like you have to shove yourself into a box to be loved. your feelings are valid. you deserve all the proud acceptance in the world

[cvntyblogger]

relationships with ur parents are so weird, arent they? like... i hate you for what you did, i love you because you bring me soup when im sick. i want to get away from you. i feel safe with you. i want to run away from you. i want your hugs. i wish you understood me. i wish i understood you.

[itendtooverthink]

I have had enough.

I did everything I could, while staying sane.

Everything else will cost my mental stability.

I refuse to give it up, just for my parents.

I'm worth more than that.

I can't open you up, if you are not willing to open.

So, I will stop.

You don't have to worry about me.

You won't be involved.

[itendtooverthink]

My father told me, that he doesn't care for people with mental scars. Because some other people have it worse, beaten and abused daily.

So mentally sick and trauma survivors don't matter. He doesn't care for them.

And he is surprised I never go to him with my problems. Why should I? He doesn't care for people like me.

[itendtooverthink]

I just saw my grandfather share a post on Facebook about how they should ban an LGBTQ+ book, that recently got printed.

I should be hurt.

But I'm just disappointed.

I don't want to visit him anymore

[itendtooverthink]

When you know that your friend has a sensitive topic, that they can't/don't want to handle, you make sure you don't address it.

You avoid the topic on purpose, so you don't make your friend uncomfortable, or trigger something.

It's a basic thing, right? You love your friend.

So why can't parents do it?