Sans titre

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Lockdown diary Team Hindle — the truth… not the “fake book” story

Well it has been a while, no blogs as they were homeschooling based, and THANKFULLY ( and I am speaking on behalf of all family members…

My latest blog....

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This is how I feel most days in lockdown now...

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So now single people can have 1 other person over… In a “social bubble”… It is really just going to be for sex isn’t it?!? Tinder must be exploding about now!  Should really be called a “Spunk bubble” or a “Sex bubble” and not a “social bubble”…

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Coronavirus Lockdown UK homeschooling day 7

I have noticed that the things that we find funny or interesting are changing, and my bar has certainly lowered for humour and amusement. When making a Thai red curry for dinner last night I cut the ginger into this amusing shape purely by accident and had to take a photo of it giggling. It actually isn’t that funny at all in the cold sober light of day. But last night after 4 drinks and a really boring day it was strangely a high point.

We knew when we woke up at 10.48am this morning that Day 7 was not going to be the most productive and “get up and go” days of the quarantine — it had already “got up and gone”. Although a strange feeling of satisfaction and consistency in missing every single one of the 9am work outs, and being able to sleep a solid 10 hours. We have marked it as biology morning to boost the immune system.

I could tell by the strange crunching noise from downstairs of cereal underfoot that the boys had gone and made themselves a nice breakfast of Coco pops. Almost half of the milk and cereal was in the bowls, bless them! Already ahead of the parenting game with survival skills and home economics before I had even got up!

First thing in the morning (before even putting the ice cube bags and tonic in the fridge…) we now subject ourselves to a form of compulsive and probably mentally damaging torture that leaves you with a sense of self loathing before you have even made it down the stairs. This event is the morning weigh in. Not on normal scales that you can just twiddle the dial of, or say they are off, or lean on the windowsill so you are lighter. On no, that would be too easy! These are on the new scales that Derek has bought so we can plot our improvement (or not…) of health during the quarantine. The App really helpfully bings at you to weigh in if you forget and try to dodge it for the day in a bid to curb the depression slightly. And when you give in and step on it then tells you that you should take your shoes off (my shoes are off you bastarding wanking sarcastic scales, I am just fat and have layers of hard skin on my feet alright!?!? SO FUCK THE FUCK OFF!)

And it weighs you inside your body and outside your body, and gives you graphs to also emphasise in different mediums how fat you are — should you still have a shred of self esteem left in you. Rather than being motivational they invoke a mixture of feelings that I will also need therapy (as well as a. nutritionist apparently) to work through. It is complicated. I can’t NOT just stand on them.

You would think this would give motivation for us to do some keep fit, maybe set the alarm for tomorrow for the 9am gym class, eat less… Well yes, that is an option, but if it was as easy as exercise and eating less then everyone would be healthier! So we chose to just put sports clothing on whilst baking cakes — so we could eat cakes as we were so pissed off about getting fatter. I feel we are kind of halfway there though. It’s the thought that counts.

We did add some health and safety in and tried to explain to Alex why you should not put your head into a food mixer. I would rather not go into how that lesson turned out in print in case it can ever be used against me in a court of law. But it did lead us seamlessly and with relevance into our First Aid in the home section of home schooling….

We sort of lost momentum then and all dispersed to our own activities, I had to go for a lay down with an eye mask on just to stop the noise in my head. All of a sudden it is like the walls are closing in on me and I need to use what little freedom of movement I have to take myself off somewhere else in the house. I like to class that as meditation and self discovery.

The boys did a few token minutes of maths on the computer just so we could say we did “something”. We face timed my brother in Spain, who also has guinea pigs and we thought they may like to see each other — the Guinea pigs really didn’t give a shit, Janet can be a little aloof at times.

And we thought we could possibly train the Guinea Pigs to come to their names when called, or have them working out a maze, or maybe even race them and spend the lockdown days cheering on the alpha pig, maybe having a league table — in years to come introducing relay races with little carrot batons! We could travel the world! Team work! United Goal! Epic fail actually… but it killed a few minutes!

The entrants were not keen, Janet just wanted to sniff Captain Americas Bottom. Everyone decided to call it a day then, Alex asked me “Is school finished for the day now?!?” And was very excited when I said that it was so that he could continue to hide under a blanket and wait with excitement to see if we would forget he was there and sit on him thinking he was the sofa (like I said, the bar for things we find funny, amusing and interesting has DEFINITELY lowered quite a few notches!).

And Emily has helped me set up a Tiktok account — it seems to be the current thing to do. I am apparently a “Boomer” which means “Old person” in Tiktok speak, and she has excitedly told me she will throw me a line and like some of my videos as she has lots of followers. And that Boomers ALWAYS get popular really quickly with pity votes as “normal age” tiktok users think Boomers are so cute and sweet trying to give the young people technology a go, and are all “Awwwwwww! Bless” about us. Which now puts the pressure on as I can only imagine worst than a popular boomer is an unpopular boomer and I could bring angst into my daughters online world!

Although I have been banned from posting anything until I can work out the filters, and understand that this is NOT the beauty filter that I originally thought it was.

It was a good day today, eating cake and burnt biscuits in my sports kit, cheering guinea pigs on, cleaning cake mix out of a 6 year olds hair, sleeping. And that leads us neatly onto Gin o Clock! In my sports kit! So exciting!

Stay safe everyone!!

[itonlyhappenstome]

Coronavirus Lockdown UK homeschooling day 6

Here we are, day 6, week 2, off we go… I am sure like me, seeing the end of last week, and reaching Friday was a relief, and it felt like you had fought and won a battle — its amazing how those 5 days dragged and all the emotions that were crammed in. And like me you took a deep breath yesterday evening at the thought of another week starting.

The weekend was actually surprisingly quite enjoyable, it did have a different vibe than the weekdays. We did some chilling out, trying to not live in our own filth (reserving that for weekdays!), and got fully dressed and made up — complete with gold eye shadow to go to the supermarket and just to drink strongbow and cook a roast dinner on Sunday.

Although all of the plans to actually tidy the house have gone out of the window, in one of our more positive moments we did excitedly say “Oooooh we can get all the jobs done that we never have time! Like sort out the wardrobes, clean the cupboards, organise our photos, such a positive!” but we have done absolutely fuck all, as that would eat into our eating, drinking and wandering around aimlessly time. Although Derek did actually spend 5 hours building lego on Sunday — he even let Seb play for an hour!

So this morning, and it was 10am when we all woke up so that does technically count as morning… We had a bit of a tense start, I have been giving the children immune defence vitamins, and thought I had more in the cupboard. I did not. And was on the last 1 vitamin. So it was time to pick the favourite child — and the other had a jelly tot placebo.

We firstly had a nature lesson and watered the pots of mud, we couldn’t actually find any seeds in the shops — but haven’t told the children. I really do think they need hope, anticipation and a nature project so we are going to go with it as character building. I am hoping that once the lockdown is finished I can transplant in the night a full grown plant and amaze the children!

Seb had maths on the agenda, and some tally chart pictogram style thingy, so after giving some thought of what we could use to graph in the absence of being able to speak to actual people we decided to log the weekends alcohol bin! It was a surprise to everyone that White Wine had won!

We then had a Coronavirus simulation using playmobile, showing the lockdown and trying to demonstrate keeping the house safe, and when going out keeping a distance. It all got a bit mad max and out of hand with a ram raid on the castle for loo roll and someone with coronavirus locked in a cage and beaten by a troll. #lifeskills

The days are getting shorter, as we wake up when we wake up, we finish when we want to finish, and we try and go with the flow in the middle — doing at least something of some educational value as and when the children (or us) feel like it. If this wasn’t lockdown we could probably market ourselves as a really poncey expensive Montessori school and do extremely well out of it!!

We have started to chill out and stop beating ourselves up over the shit we have not done, there is not much we can do, but what we can do is make it as less crap as possible, and if that means watching netflix, playing on tablets, drinking at 4pm — then so what!?!? You only live a coronavirus lock down once, make it enjoyable!! Treat it like a little holiday from life as it is all out of our control, apart from how we handle it within the 4 walls you are in.

Even famous people have started to get sick now, I do wonder if they are also on house party and are also feeling at times violated when a call comes through and they are all greasy and in a skanky bathrobe and the house is a tip.

In some ways we are more accessible than ever at the moment. Before the lockdown you would organise to meet people at set times and set places, and now everyone and anyone can dial into your house and life spontaneously at anytime, and work calls are video calls — so you have to spend ages thinking of where to leave the skype laptop to hide the filth, or at least have a metre square piece of tidy house somewhere. Far too much to think about.

Everyone is going a bit crazy at the moment in emotion, action, thought — sanity is being tested in all areas, I actually spent far too long today pondering why you never had a sausage salad, but you would have a ham salad, but to add a Cumberland into a Salad would be really bizarre.

And I need to check in with my parents more often, my father spent the weekend designing and making his own guillotine. I am not even joking. He sent a photo and I fear for the Gnome and also for my Mother.

Although it is quite an impressive bit of workmanship really!

[itonlyhappenstome]

Coronavirus Lockdown UK homeschooling Day 5

So here we are, Homeschooling day 5, the end of the first week, the strangest week ever, swung from euphoria to despair and back again with every emotion in between. Sometimes freaking out, sometimes feeling like it is that lovely week between Christmas and new year with nothing to do, nowhere to go, no reason to get dressed, drinking and eating whatever you want whenever you want — anything goes!

It is all feeling rather Groundhog day every morning, that is because I guess I do not know how long it will go on for, even a holiday in heaven without an end date would be purgatory in the end. I think this is a situation that can only be some days reflected on positively in retrospect.

Was feeling really lack lustre this morning, as were the children, and it showed as they really REALLY could not be arsed to do anything, and I really REALLY could not be arsed to make them. I tried to get Seb to read with the bribe of something nice, but even that was not enough and he had an air of “stick your treat, you have nothing I want!” So we gave up and just let it be for the day.

It is really true that you see the issues the teacher has and speaks of… OMG how do they do it with more than 1 child?!? I have wondered whether the virus was actually created by a think tank of Chemistry teachers, to get some respite, sit at home and watch “Bargain hunters” and to also show parents that their children can be complete and utter unreasonable arseholes, and the teachers are not the issue, its the kids! I am feeling after week 1 that I could not find it in my heart to blame them if they did….

I even tried to enthuse myself by convincing myself that the half a banana drawing on the pictogram chart looks like the end of a willy — but it was half hearted and a tedious attempt.

Something else I am learning about, is my partner… He is being lovely and helpful, and stepping up and doing things (actually as I write this he has bought me Gin!). But is anyone else finding that you just do stuff and just do it without comment, but if your partner does it then it has to be pointed out, appreciated, praised. But if you get shitty about having to stop the world to give a round of applause, or causally mention thats great they tidied the kitchen but would it take that much more effort to actually take the food out of the sink….they are all huffy “fine I won’t bother helping again” But ITS SHARED MESS/CHILDREN!

And time management….. every. single. night. At dinner time… “Darling dinners ready!” (and this is no shock or surprise as I have been making it for the last fucking hour…) and he replies — “Oh is it? Hang on, I just need to go and check the Christmas tree lights/tidy the car boot out/repaint the house name on the dustbin/ sort through my ski clothes/file the last 2 years bank statements”….Or something similarly that really does not need to be done right at that moment…And we are not talking a meal that stays hot for hours like a carrot filled casserole, or a home made pizza that removes the roof of your mouth — we are talking about stir fry that is cold before you have put the first forkful in your mouth and cannot be microwaved. And he cannot understand why I get shirty and point out his time management skills in the household maybe need to be addressed. I apparently am “naggy”. (in my head “Oh just fuck the fuck off”)

Not sure why these issues are now magnified during lockdown…! To be fair, he is doing nothing wrong, everything is mostly winding me up as the walls close in on me — and probably being a bit hungover (daily)doesn’t help, but it really does feel like Christmas week!! The kids are also annoying me, the news, whats app, speaking, not speaking, inanimate objects, the guinea pigs, the milk cartons, people being perky, people being dickheads— I have never said “oh just fuck the fuck off” SO many times in my own head whilst smiling — well not since living in Bremen anyway!

He did take the Children out for some exercise today so I could have my daily panic attack in peace, which was nice.

And on one of the multiple whats app groups there was the idea to have the children write inspirational chalk quotes on the drive outside your house for people walking by on lockdown exercise. What a great idea! So I took the time to do the same for anyone thinking of knocking on our door during this lockdown time to reflect my cheerful mood!

As we decided to call a teacher training day today and the children were running feral and engrossed in a virtual minecraft reality world for the 8th consecutive hour… I went out! Yes OUT! Not OUT OUT, just to the Pharmacy and Supermarket, but it was a good excuse and reason to have a shower and change my clothes. And you know its well needed when after the shower your husband says “Wow, look at you! What happened to the smelly troglodyte who has been living here the last 4 days?!?”

Sods law the first time I wash my hair since day 1 and it rewards me with a bad hair day — so I go out looking like a weird praying mantis, convinced I am going to freakishly bump into every single ex boyfriend and childhood nemesis.

Emily spent the day practising her make up for when the lockdown is finished so she can look pretty. Which is ironic really as last night she said to me “Mum, when lockdown is over can I please take you clothes shopping as you are a bit out dated, and embarrassing, and old fashioned” And I of course replied smiling “Yes of course darling that would be great!” And in my head I was saying “Oh just fuck the fuck off”!!

Happy weekend everyone, have fun whatever you are doing. Is this what being retired or in a care home is like? The week days and weekends mean the same thing, you lose all track of the date/day and you cannot go out or have no energy to go out? Unless you are one of the retired people who likes Garden Centres to go to the cafe and eat a cream cake and sandwich with a knife and fork.

Stay Safe!!

[itonlyhappenstome]

Coronavirus lockdown UK homeschooling day 4

Well here we are on Day 4 already, feels like longer I KNOW, but it really is only Day 4 of Homeschooling, and my oh my…. how much we have learnt already about not only ourselves and our fellow humans “on the outside” (Outlanders as we like to call them)— but also spouses, partners and our little adorable live in Crotch Fruits and Vagina Trophies (if we have them)…..

Its not all been bad, some parts have been quite fun and I know we will look back on this time fondly in the years to come. We are all speaking to people that we would usually not, taking time to connect with friends and family, appreciating everyone and everything a little more, and grateful for the basics such as health, family, toilet tolls. But where is the fun in that, I personally need an outlet to moan and for my dark humour to deal with this situation or I will go insane.

Today I have started to look at “The stages of adaption to Captivity” and these are — 1) Startle 2)Panic, 3) Disbelief 4) Hyper vigilance 5)Resistance/Compliance 6) Depression and then finally they Gradual acceptance.

The stages of recovery are 1) Brief Euphoria 2) Hyper arousal 3) Compliance 4) Denial 5) restitution 6) readjustment.

So we have good times coming everyone whoop whoop!!! Really randy and not caring we are all hairy, perfect!! So Belgium is either going to be the place to be or the place to avoid after lockdown after I was sent this news article by a Belgium friend…

So we started Day 4 with really good intentions…. I loaded up the email the school had sent with stuff for the boys to learn, Emily was being all diligent and working. Derek was on a Video conference. I had put a Bra on. BOOOOOM! WE WERE ON FIRE THIS MORNING!

One of the activities the children selected was to watch the live cam of Animals in a Zoo, they chose a Panda, and the irony was not lost on me that my children in captivity were watching an animal in captivity — so I took a photo of mum watching in captivity. It was quite trippy as I had had 5 cups of coffee by this stage! Life imitating Art imitating life, and I wondered if so the Animals didn’t get bored and lonely they had screens in the cages for them to watch humans at home. A question I will likely never have answered.

So the boys managed a whole 14 minutes of homeschooling before they lost interest and I started to get stress hives. I thought “Come on Leanne, think outside the box, turn a disadvantage to an advantage… positive in everything… let’s make this educational AND beneficial…”. Looking at the household chores (there is a wide scope of choice…) thought we would go with fine motor skills, textiles and organisational skills. So I had them gathering the washing from around the house and putting anything that was coloured and that needed a wash straight into the machine….. It did not end well.

So I then went with Fine Motor skills and sorting…. Which involved us attacking the washing from the other end of the cycle and having the boys sort out the clean washing into individual household members bags and making deliveries. And also pairing the HUGE sock bag (which we are preparing for odd socks to be used as Toilet Paper if the Tesco order doesn’t come through on Sunday…)

Alex would only match as long as the chocolate eggs held out, and so we now have around 5 pairs of socks as I had already eaten most of the eggs whilst hiding in a cupboard around 9.15am. But on the plus side the odd sock bag is brimming over with “Bum socks”! Positive in everything!

I honestly thought my oldest crotch fruit was diligently beavering away on her school work, but I think she has been preparing for rough times — which really is quite commendable and forward thinking of her. I was slightly peeved when she came downstairs and questioned me as to whether I would be getting dressed at any point today (I must already point out that I had a Bra on, and a tracksuit. Not like we are expecting guests is it!?). And she had been upstairs fashioning post apocalyptic chic outfits whilst creating tiktoks….

This does make it look like I was doing something productive all day — but I really wasn’t, and I am so aware that others are really struggling as much as me. We did as much as we could, half hearted effort for 14 minutes, and then the children watched TV, Ipads, went on the trampoline, ran around in underpants etc for the rest of the day whilst my husband and I worked — as we still have to do full time jobs and we are not super heroes.

Our children are totally out of routine and that is fine, its not forever, and how can you keep them in routine when the routine is gone.They are not as tired as not as active so come nighttime they will be sent to be with devices so that I can have an evening and some time to just fucking decompress and be quiet in my own head and watch some mindless shit. And I am not going to pretend otherwise. And I had my first drink at 5pm.

It is great that so many others are trying to remain normal and keep up the momentum with the homeschooling, and it is great if you are accepting that you cannot do it and it isn’t you and it’s all gone to shit. And it is bloody amazingly great if you are just surviving and taking each day as it goes. Be kind to yourself, if you need to cry, laugh, moan, shout, be positive, feel defeated it’s all normal and you can bet that at any given time that millions of others will be feeling the same way. Just try and communicate whatever you are feeling with someone else, physical connection could be our downfall, but mental connection could be the making of us.

Stay Safe everyone.

[itonlyhappenstome]

Who knew face mask humour was funny or could even be a thing - but it is!!

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Finding any way I can to get through homeschooling, work full time and nurse a hangover all at the same time.... 

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Coronavirus Lockdown UK Homeschooling Day 3.

Just FYI…. It would be in order of weight — Flash, Captain America, Roadman and then Janet (who is a boy but identifies with a girl and looks a bit like Boris Johnson).

Alex did cry a bit when he thought we were serious as Flash is his Guinea pig, but we explained and made him feel better — so I think actually we can add life skills and bereavement counselling to the list of todays lessons!

Well we are now on Day 3, and am I the only person who wakes up every morning and hears the Big Brother Geordie voice over “Its Day 3 in the Hindle Lockdown household!”. Further lockdowns imposed so we are only allowed to leave the house for shopping and pharmacy and for our daily walk. It is getting slightly more familiar, so the initial anxiety is changing to a standard brand of predictable panic. It would be better I think if we knew how long it will go on. The stretching uncertainty is draining in itself, I do not whether to use reserves now or not.

What is not changing though is my discomfort with being completely accessible to all members of the family 100% of the time. Whatever I am doing, want to do, need to do, in the middle of doing…. is secondary to the needs, wants, desires, requirements and demands of any member of the family at any given moment on demand. And if I act annoyed and frustrated because I am in the middle of doing my own work and do not want to watch a trick on the trampoline, or have a chat about the latest news update, or peel a fucking apple/get a glass of water or anything else that my family members are capable of doing themselves or can wait until I am free to do— or even politely enquiring if it is a convenient time rather than EXPECTING it, then I am the grumpy arsehole.

Every day seems to bring different emotions, and it is a roller coaster, not always bad, not always good, not always familiar, but it is fascinating how it is evolving and changing, and seeing how we are coping. I have reduced my expectations and accepted I am not super mum, or a teacher, and that no-one is finding this easy — and that has helped a lot. Also continuing to be selective with whats app groups and reading has helped. And Gin continues to be a constant support….

So last night, as we have more time on our hands we started finally watching Black Mirror….. No idea what series we started on, but it was the episode where the Prime Minister was made to shag an actual Pig live on air in order to save the equivalent of Kate Middleton.

My husband and I had a very highbrow debate as to whether we would be ok with this depending on the person (Boris and Trump would get no sympathy from Team Hindle — but we would organise something nice for the Pig afterwards as compensation…), and we felt really sorry for the pig in Black Mirror — why did no-one care about the pig?!? And then realised we had no idea if 10 Downing Street had a back garden and had a moment of awe and appreciation for Google maps and technology, as how had our minds never been expanded before to ponder these subjects and then to have the ability to see the garden online! Amazing! We didn’t look though as we were pissed and forgot.

Obviously feeling like we had connected on a new spiritual level (and I am fairly sure the cosmic mood enhancers Brew Dog, Red Wine and Gin helped open my husbands 3rd eye also…) when we went to bed, my husband laid his head on mine, and after a moments silence and bewilderment I asked what the actual F he was doing and could he move as it was hurting. And he answered that he was trying to connect us in our dreams, and that maybe as we were more in tune emotionally now we could do that (?), and he was trying to transfer an Eagle through his brain channels to mine.

You know sometimes you are a bit “Are you joking and I am going to look a twat taking this seriously…? Or “are you being serious and I am going to be making you feel like an arse if I think you are joking?” well I went for the latter and my husband rolled over in a huff muttering that my dream tribe were not going to be safely guided by the imaginary dream Eagle and the disjointed feeling of this tribe was on my conscience, he had at least tried and could sleep soundly.

He didn’t remember the Eagle last night. I am surprised actually I did, as was clearly a bit drunk by the way I tried to brush my teeth with Germolene this morning…

So, homeschool Day 3, we are lowering expectations and trying to find creative ways to pass the time, as we are all just a bit bored and “meh” with it all. Just living to Easter Holidays on Friday — which will mean no change to captivity for us, but at least we can drop the pretence of trying to fill the day with meaningful and educational shit and go be demotivated alone in our electronic device worlds without judgment or guilt.

Started well at the crack of 10.30am with locking the kids outside in the trampoline, even put the older one in her school sports kit (weirdly felt I should get extra parenting credit for that!). Parenting win before lunchtime I feel!

The younger ones needed to expend some energy and frustration so I had them stabbing bits of concrete with child friendly IKEA knives (ok vaguely child friendly, I am sure any metal object when used as a stabby thing is not that child friendly actually in hindsight) to free up “stuff” inside. And one of them looks like a bell end with infected foreskin — so that was amusement for the kids and also adults alike!

DIE METAPHORICAL COVID 19 CONCRETE!

Laughing childishly at what looks like a Bell End with infected foreskin (actually a pirates face…) We then combined Biology, Politics, Science, Maths and potentially Home economics with time with the Guinea pigs! Firstly we had a life lesson/Biology by explaining why Janet was dancing on the face of Captain America and that it was not dancing, or bullying (ok well it is probably classed as bullying unless you are in Prison and then it is “love”).The Guinea Pigs helped us with Politics as we showed the children the information about the lockdown, what it meant, and there may be a food shortage so we must not waste food. So they weighed the Guinea Pigs to see in which order we should eat them in the event of a food shortage — which enabled them to have Maths, Science and potentially Home Economics! Epic!

Just FYI…. It would be in order of weight — Flash, Captain America, Roadman and then Janet (who is a boy but identifies with a girl and looks a bit like Boris Johnson).

Alex did cry a bit when he thought we were serious as Flash is his Guinea pig, but we explained and made him feel better — so I think actually we can add life skills and bereavement counselling to the list of todays lessons!

I did send my husband out with the children on a walk with a picnic, and stated that for everyones sanity, health and well being I was imposing myself on an hours complete self isolation. The. Walls. Are. Closing. In. I actually shrieked earlier when my husband shut the door of the room I was in — the walls started moving in on me!

He has gone out for essential shopping now, Tonic Water. Maybe I should have asked him to look for fruit and vegetables, but my brain has started to turn to mush.

Stay safe everyone….!

[itonlyhappenstome]

Coronavirus UK Lockdown Homeschooling Day 2

Well we survived day 1, and day 2 started with Home Economics as mummy was too hungover from surviving day 1 to get up and make breakfast… But we survived! Mentally and physically! And I think we can ask no more really!

I think I can already predict/see a pattern starting in my new schedule, suppress the anxiety and panic and urge to scream until 3pm and then start the countdown to having a drink.

Firstly every day put the new bottles of Tonic water in the fridge and refill the ice cube trays ready for drink o clock.

Try to not check your multiple whats app groups too often and compare yourself to how other parents are doing it. As the cracks are starting to show with everyone… And you can guarantee if you are feeling like you may have a mental breakdown — then others are feeling it also, and they are mostly acting how they want to feel or what they want others to think they are feeling and doing. So do not depress yourself further at this stage by even pretending you have to pretend or compete if you cannot mentally cope, you have nothing to prove to anyone.

But we are all united and completely the same in that we are all just trying our best and doing our best — and 100% in that we are all aligned, and in this together. There is no manual for this shit, there is no precedent for this situation, the only experience we have to go on are for people maybe days or weeks ahead of us. They are our future…

Lockdown coronavirus future prediction

So yesterday, Day 1, I tried, I really did, and I have had reflection on the day… And it started so well with so much enthusiasm. We were ready for the Joe Wicks work out at 9am, and the children nearly did a whole 4 minutes before moaning. We then did maths, english, reading, writing, educational games, encouragement and even a bit of gardening. And then I realised it was only 11am and the children wanted lunch, we had gone through all of the stuff I had planned — and I was actually desperately praying to need a Poo just so I could sit in a room with a locked door alone for 5 minutes — albeit with the kids sat outside asking me how long I would be.

By 4pm I said through gritted teeth to my husband “Take them out. Please. I need just 30 minutes peace” and he replied “But we are on lockdown, I cannot take them out!” To which I responded through gritted teeth “We live in a sodding tiny village. Find. A. Fucking. Isolated. Field. JUST. GO. NOW” and he left looking a bit scared.

It is really hard for couples to be together, the whole dynamic of the house, work, jobs, life is on its head. And I know we are only hours into the lockdown, but we are on the “Coronavirus upward curve of irritation” here in the marital sense. My husband has already made the following comments “Wow I never realised or noticed your stomach digested food so loudly…” and also “Crikey, you swallow and yawn so loudly, its making me shudder, can you stop that?” Forget rising birth rates, Divorce and spousal violence is going to go through the roof!!

But anyway that was Day 1 in retrospect, and we are now on Day 2. The eldest is a super star and sticking to her schedule, the youngest two started at 11am (when I say started I mean I locked them in the garden on the trampoline in a sort of baby Thunderdome way) and they have ramped up the arguing to violence, even balloons on sticks had to be confiscated as god only knows what we would do if a trip was needed to A&E.

I made it into clothes just before lunchtime. It has helped being selective with information I have read about all of this, and going with humour, and finding friends who are on the same level of admittance that they are struggling with this mentally.

And it’s great the way life evolves, already my evening social calendars are filling up with whatsapp and video Quiz nights and wine bar style events. And it is bringing out the best in the community with everyone helping each other. There is indeed a positive in everything, we all just need to keep our chin up (or chins, in my case as I have already started on the kids Easter eggs and the Gym is shut).

I say that in a slightly hysterical clutching at straws way of course!

Anyone know of a nice hotel thats still open?!?

This afternoon we went on our once daily outing (I am sure it is advised that dogs go outside and exercise more…) paranoid about meeting anyone and 1) being judged for being out and 2) wondering how we were going to stop the children flinging themselves at friends and 3) Did we actually know how far 2 metres was visually and should we have bought a tape measure.

Simple pleasures, the children found a massive boggy swamp, so this afternoons lesson when we got back was learning how to get the washing machine going.

We were also worried about running out of guinea pig food so went picking dandelions — which as now as I type has occurred to me are probably covered in pesticides and dog piss, bloody distracted by virus and taking my eye off the ball for anything else!

We combined schooling with the walk and made them run around to work in PE as we were too hungover (adults, not the kids I hasten to add) at 9am to face Joe. And then made them spell everything we saw “Mud” “Grass” “Dirt” “Bird” “Dog Shit” , “rubbish”- all the stuff you find in English nature!

And that is Day 2 done. I have realised that as long as I lower my expectations then every day is a winner and reduces the panic and self loathing!

I have also realised that myself and everyone else in the world has to compulsively end every message of any medium with “Stay Safe”. This is all a fascinating social experiment that I am sure will be ponderised over for years to come!

[itonlyhappenstome]

I am at the lockdown stage where I am finding amusement and rudeness in everything... no matter how tedious and childish. I feel dirty and wrong. I am better (and funnier!) than this. 

[itonlyhappenstome]

This is not how I imagined it to be, this and wiping my arse with a pot noodle lid.

[itonlyhappenstome]

UK Coronavirus COVID 19 Home Schooling real life day 1. This Shit is real.....

So, unless you have been an over achiever and on extreme self isolation 3 months before anyone else, or in a coma, or living under a rock you will know about the Coronavirus COVID 19 thingy and that the world is pretty much shut for life and business. I am living in the UK, and as we are running behind the rest of the world, we only started the home schooling malarky this morning. It is as I write 1.15pm Monday March 23rd 202.... And I am a shadow of my former self already. The nightly medicinal “mummy juice” (Gin) has been downgraded from “Not before 6pm” to “Not before 3pm - if possible, but who cares as no-one will see me to judge and I F**king need it to survive”. And the concern of whether I have enough tonic and Ice has over ridden whether I have enough Calpol or loo roll in..... There are so many whats app group parent groups binging away sharing what they are doing I am actually amazed at the irony that anyone really has any time to be doing any of these activities. And I am wondering if momentum will still be the same on Friday afternoon...! I feel completely lost, like I am losing grip of the situation and have already said to my husband 6 times “I am not sure I can do this. I really am not sure I can do this. Please tell me we are having a drink later...” I have to silently hold in screaming out “Please just leave me the F alone for just 5 minutes, I cannot handle this!” Everyone else seems to be embracing this home schooling, but I have not actually been able to face thinking about it since it was a possibility, let alone a reality. And I wonder how many people feel the same as me.... I work from home, alone, and have done for about 16 years, so I am completely conditioned to be alone all day, in my own world and zone of self isolation - by choice, loving it, in my safe place, concentration, life at my own pace, only having to speak to people if I choose to and when I choose to. And now this self isolation has weirdly bought about an opposite for me that is enforced accessibility at all times of my family into my own personal safe place. A sufferer for many years of anxiety and panic attacks, this Coronavirus has thrown about a huge mental health curve ball. And last night I had a panic attack about how I would cope with this, being in top of my family all. the. time. As well as worrying about their health. I already today have had several “flight or fight” - but cannot very well up and leave the house, so am having to breath it out and deal with it, but have developed already an itchy scalp and think I may go bald and become an alcoholic before Coronavirus catches me!! My family are used to leaving the house every day and interacting with others, being around others, just having to deal with others and the outside world - so for them this isolation is alien and strange. For me it is the complete opposite. We all want normal life to resume for totally opposite reasons. My other half is trying to be understanding, but he also has to work, so we are tag teaming. And my children do not really understand - they are 6, 6 and 12. We had by 10am this morning done 2 Joe Wickes work outs, Just Dance, Maths, Reading, 2 educational games which made me realise I actually have no idea what a preposition formally is. And having to google the answers to primary school algebra to find out whether a spanner was the number 2 or 4 - so on top of everything else my children are now slowly realising how stupid I actually am and they will never respect me again!! Best Coronavirus advice I have had is “Be kind to yourself”. Wise words. Below is an actual genuine photo representation of how this is going for me.....

[itonlyhappenstome]

If only it was.... Why is love so complicated at times, there is enough hate in the world, love should be easy 

[itonlyhappenstome]

#marryabroadsimply

[itonlyhappenstome]

My wedding day! www.marryabroadsimply.com is amazing for international and same sex couples to marry abroad.