Medical procedure gone wrong / Traumatic birth /Ā Chronic illness
Please read chapter 1 before reading š
Chapter 2 - New Mom Stress
Iām adjusting to life as a new mama. Having a newborn is challenging, youāre up all day and night, youāve suddenly become another humans life line. You can read all the books, all the blogs, take all the classes you want to prepare for having a newborn, but trust me, you will not feel prepared even with that all. Itās a huge adjustment! Itās amazing, itās incredible the amount of love you have for something so tiny but itās hard and overwhelming too.
Itās also hard doing it all when youāre in a lot of pain. No matter what kind of pain, taking care of someone else when you can hardly handle yourself is hard. But my pain, was my head. For 10 days straight after the epidural incident when I gave birth, I had the most painful headache Iāve ever experienced. It wasnāt a normal headache, it was that same excruciating head pressure pain I got during whatever happened with the epidural. Nothing helped it. I was taking prescribed ibuprofen (I had just gave birth, remember!) and Tylenol and it didnāt phase the head pain at all. I remember it got so bad the only thing I could do was cry. And crying makes headaches worse so if someone is crying with a headache, you know it fucking hurts. I was also a new mom, I was learning how to breastfeed, I was learning how to take care of a baby, I was sleep deprived. And I had a giant wound in my vagina from pushing a whole human out. Basically, a lot of things were happening that was new to my body, so I assumed the headache was nothing more than my body trying to adjust.
But almost two weeks had passed and I just couldnāt take it anymore, so I called my OB and explained how this headache hasnāt gone away since getting the epidural and I was just worried. We made an appointment and I went in, she was concerned of my blood pressure being high or possibly developing post-eclampsia. But everything was okay. I got the whole spiel of āyouāre a new mom, youāre breastfeeding, your hormones are all whacky. It will probably go away soon,ā and was sent home. Which of course at the time, made sense to me. Although I still had the feeling that something wasnāt right, the pain I experienced during my epidural wasnāt normal and now this headache was debilitating. But I was a new mom. And the doctor said I was fine. Who was I to question anybody?
I kept going, because I had to. It had to get better at some point? The head pain did stop being constantā¦but it never went fully away. I started to notice a pattern with the head pain, and it was way worse when I did certain things. I noticed that if I bent over, I would get the headache. If I coughed/sneezed/strained in any way, here comes the headache. If I moved my head too fast, headache. If I stood up too fast, headache. Any change of pressureā¦my head felt like it was going to explode just like it did during the epidural incident. I lived with it for 4 months just thinking it will get better, the doctor said it was stress, itāll get better. But it never did. It was getting too much to handle, I canāt even bend over to pick up my 10 lb baby, something is seriously not rightā¦So I started the search for a neurologist, to get the first of many opinions.
Stay tuned for chapter 3.
*DISCLAIMER*
This is blog is not intended for medical advice nor intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. This blog is based off of personal experience.
Medical procedure gone wrong / Traumatic birth /Ā Chronic illness
Iāve been incredibly vocal about my experience with getting an epidural injection during my labor & delivery in 2018 if you know me on my personal social media.Ā Itās been three in a half years and Iāve decided to try to go a little more public with my story. Why? Because I have felt so hopeless, exhausted, sometimes crazy, and incredibly alone over these years and if telling my story helps just one other women who might be experiencing the same things as me, thatās enough of a reason for me. Iāll be splitting it all up into chapters to help make it easier to read!Ā
*LONG DISCLAIMER*
Please keep in mind, my story is mine and it is still ongoing. Iām being seen by medical doctors and still trying to find a diagnosis after 3.5 years. I do share my opinions but I also share factual evidence. I am not a doctor and I cannot diagnose anyone, I can only share my personal experiences. Please seek out professional help and always do your research from reputable sources.
Secondly, I am not anti-medicine. I am pro do your research and make sure you know what youāre letting people put into your body. I am pro advocate for yourself and your health. I am pro listening to women and mothers and taking them seriously. As a woman and a mother, Iām an advocate on recognizing medical gaslighting and knowing your medical rights, things I didnāt know about before going on this journey.Ā Iām honestly not against epidurals even though I had a horrible experience with one. I wonāt tell you not to get one, but I will tell you my experience with getting one, how my life changed after getting one, my pain I live with every day after getting one and all of the risks, no matter how rare they may be that are possible with these procedures.
Mothers are being handed a consent form while they are having contractions every minute, bent over in pain, about to give birth to a whole human being and expected to understand what theyāre reading, to care about what theyāre signing and to fully understand the risks involved. Doctors are failing to verbally inform of all the risks as well and not all of the risks are listed on the consent form. 3.5 years ago, I didnāt question it either. I had no reason to. Now living with the pain Iāve had to go through, I see how much that needs to change. I am not anti-medicine, I am notĀ āban all epidural injections during childbirthā at all. I want to make that clear. Even if at times I seem hostile or against it, please understand how much that needle has affected my life so I do get emotional when discussing it, however I still recognize how rare of an occurrence this is and most of the time epidurals work just fine. Ā
Chapter 1 - Stabbed in the back
It was finally induction day! I was 39+1 weeks and so ready to not be pregnant and get control of my body back. I spent most of my time pregnant bending over a trash can vomiting multiple times a day, I also had gestational diabetes so I was pricking myself 4 times a day and dieting, so boy was I over it! I just wanted to meet our precious baby.
I went into my induction with one goal and one goal only: have a healthy baby. Thatās all that mattered to me. I didnāt have any type of birth plan other than get the baby out. I did however knew that I wanted to try to go as long as possible without any pain meds. I wanted to give birth naturally, I wanted to see if I could do it. After all, that's what us women were made to do! I wonāt go into details about my labor so letās fast forward a bit. I was 6 cm dilated and my water had just broke. I was doing pretty good up until then but the contractions started to come on so strong and they werenāt giving me any breaks. I remember my husband telling me,Ā āYou donāt have to deal with this, you can get an epidural. Itās okay to get one if you are tired.ā I was so tired, but I pushed on for another hour or so until I just couldnāt handle it anymore, or so I thought.Ā
The anesthesiologist comes in and asks everyone to leave, except for my husband and nurses. We go over the consent form and how the procedure will go, at least Iām assuming we did. This whole time in my labor is a huge blur. Iām having contractions every 45 secs to a minute and I didnāt really care in that moment. I just wanted some relief.
I sit on the side of the bed, curled up against a pillow, trying to not hold my breath at every contraction. My lovely spine is exposed as the doctor gets ready to jab a needle the size of my hand into it. He starts the procedure. After about 5 minutes I could tell something wasnāt going as planned. There was a lot of maneuvering about, there was a lot of pulling sensations that I thought were odd. The doctor told me he was having a hard time getting it placed, he told me my ligaments were super thick. He tried at one spot, couldnāt get it in. He told me he was going to have to try a different spot. Each time he tried a spot, sudden electrical zaps would shoot through my lower back and buttocks, making me jump. It was frightening, thatās the only word I can use for the feeling.
Here I am trying to stay as still as possible while going through contractions because there is a huge needle in my back and something is happening to my body that I canāt control. I screamed out each time and started to cry, trying to explain what I was feeling to the anesthesiologist. He was still struggling behind my back but now he was perplexed as to why I was uncontrollably jerking every time he poked me.Ā āLetās try another spot,ā he said. At least 30 minutes has past now. My mom and my sister are waiting in the hallway, trying to figure out whatās taking so long. I remember reading that epidurals usually take about 10 minutes to complete so I knew something wasnāt going as planned.Ā
Onto another spot he goes, poking me another time in another spot on my spine. Het gets it in, I feel some relief mentally very briefly because I know this should mean my contractions will fade soon. Suddenly, as he starts to inject the epidural medicine into my back, I start to feel this intense pressure going up my back, my neck and all the way to my head. I heard liquid sounds in my ears as this pressure was going up my back. It felt like liquid was being injected into my spinal cord and that pressure was traveling up my back, into my neck and into my head eventually building up so much pressure that so I legitimately thought that my head was going to explode. I screamed out in pain. What the hell is happening?! My back was on fire, my head was throbbing, the light in the hospital room blinded me. Everything is blurry. The doctor asked me what's wrong, what hurts. I try explaining to the best of my ability but all I can get out isĀ āmy head, my head!ā My head feels like itās going to explode at any second. He keeps telling me over and over he doesnāt know what happened. Neither did I. All I knew was that this man had stabbed me in my back and I was in the worst pain Iāve ever experienced in my life all while trying to make sure I have a healthy baby.Ā
My head is still spinning, my tears stained my cheeks. Contractions are still coming on strong but the epidural is in correctly now, at least we think it is. I lay back down and try to rest before itās time to push.Ā I keep getting told that everything is fine. I keep getting told that nothing wrong happened. But my head is killing me. I still have that same pressure that I experienced during the epidural administration. I try to stop thinking about it but the pain in my head was so bad it was hard to ignore it. I had a job to do though. I had to birth a baby!
An hour after the pain explosion during the epidural, the epidural started to wear off. I knew that wasnāt normal but again,Ā I was just trying to focus on having my baby. Itās finally time to push, the pressure is unlike anything Iāve experienced before. My head is still throbbing, making it hard to push a whole baby out from my body. I remember pushing so hard because I couldnāt stand the pain any longer, I just needed the baby out. So I kept pushing, pushing, pushing, hurry up and just get out! I was getting lightheaded from pushing and the pain, I was worried I wasnāt going to be able to finish pushing. But 5 minutes later, a beautiful baby girl was born. Adeline Mae, 6lbs 8oz, 19 1/4 inches long. She was so tiny...and so so perfect. For the first hour I forgot about the pain I was in. I forgot about the horrible epidural experience. I forgot about how scared I was. I was just so in love with the tiny human we created, nothing else mattered. But the head pain never went away. Itās still there to this day as Iām typing this, 3 in a half years later.
Stay tuned for chapter 2.
*DISCLAIMER*
This is blog is not intended for medical advice nor intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. This blog is based off of personal experience.
I swear, some days I look at my daughter & husband and Iām just like yep! This is what itās supposed to be. Itās just supposed to be us three, a perfect & complete triangle family. This makes SENSE! This is us! I canāt force something to happen that isnāt supposed to happen! Sweet peace at our family of three.
Then the next dayā¦šŖ I look at my daughter and husband & go, God I do love us, but something is missing. As I watch my daughter play by herself again, my womb feels so hollow. It feels so bruised. I feel so broken. This doesnāt make sense, we dreamed of having a big family. My daughter deserves to feel the love of a sibling. Being a child out of 5 myself, I canāt imagine life without any. Oh God, itās just going to be us? We do everything right, how can it not happen? I have given everything I have to give, I have no more strength, let alone money for this. Anger, sorrow, guilt, why canāt I be at peace with our perfect family of threeā¦
A complete rollercoaster of emotions. Content, happy, hopeful, doubtful, sad, angry, guilty & repeat. & repeat. & repeat. & repeat. We go through our own 7 stages of grief every month, donāt we? That canāt be healthy.
Crazy to think that we would be celebrating baby squishās first birthday this past week if we hadnāt of lost it. Grief isnāt a straight lineā¦I still get bursts of emotions over all of the what ifās. I still feel the sadness, the anger, the denial, the hopelessness, the heartache. I donāt think it will ever go away completely. I will always wonder who you wouldāve been. š
We donāt need to worry
āCause when we fall, we know how to land
Donāt need to talk the talk, just walk the walk tonight
PERMISSION TO DANCE (2021)
About a month ago, we decided to end all our fertility treatment. It just wasnāt for us anymore. But the ache of wanting to grow our family was still very much there. We prayed about it & thatās when we decided to open our hearts to adoption. Over the next few weeks, we started to research & dive into the adoption process & it all started to make sense. Our struggles with secondary infertility brought us to where we feel like we needed to be. God has truly blessed us & although each of our miscarriages have hurt us tremendously, we see that they have been crucial for us to get to this moment and find our true purpose which we feel like is growing our family through adoption. We have soooo much love to give and Addy will be an absolute AMAZING sisterābig OR little!
Weāre announcing our plans to adopt early because we will be doing a lot of fundraising over the next 6 months, specifically through my Etsy shop, so that we have all the funds ready to go by January & can start the long & unpredictable but totally worth it process of adopting! And yāall know I canāt keep a secret & love to share so Iām bringing everyone along the ride with us! š Excitedly anxious, but feeling so so much relief with putting our trying to conceive journey behind us & moving on with finding our missing puzzle piece through adoption. I plan on writing a more in depth blog about our decision to adopt as there was a lot that went into it, but that will be saved for another time! And will of course update as the process moves alone until we find our forever child!
āA family is what you make it. Each one of us. Together.ā ā¤ļø
Also 50% of every order from Shelbywanders Art goes directly into our adoption fund! š„°
You searched for: shelbywanders! Discover the unique items that shelbywanders creates. At Etsy, we pride ourselves on our global community o
Letās cut to the chase: Yes I did ignore the scan photo, the maternity pictures where Iām sure youāre gently holding your swelling bump & gazing wistfully into the distance (I havenāt looked to be honest) and your invitation to the baby shower. There are no hearts or comments from me on those. Iāve put you on mute.
You have plenty of friends, half of whom are pregnant like you so I hoped you wouldnāt notice, but you clearly have. I hear youāre a bit upset with me over this. Iām honestly not a horrible person, so hereās why youāre suddenly dead to me, and I hope that you can try to understand:
I canāt stand looking at pregnant women at the moment, and unfortunately I canāt make an exception for you. Yes, youāre more than a walking womb ā youāre my friend & weāve got history, so how dare I ignore you just because you got pregnant, right? What kind of evil witch does that?
This cuts both ways though ā as my friend you know exactly what Iāve been through trying to get pregnant. You see, Iām currently an infertile woman and youāre a pregnant woman, and absolutely everyone is happy to throw my mental health under a bus to make a fuss of you. Including you. Iām expected to suck it up for you, but itās the end of the world if I expect the same consideration. Thatās just the way it is apparently ā I donāt make the rules.
We have all said āBe kind!ā but do we mean it?
It doesnāt matter how much we say ābe kind!ā and āmental health is important!ā when youāre a woman thatās not able to make babies. My mental health matters less than a like on a picture of a scan to some people ā and definitely less than a party. You can withdraw our friendship because you think that I owe you the appropriate amount of fawning over your baby shower, even though you know Iām in the middle of IVF. Yes, that sounds appalling, Iām not proud of saying that, but as I will continue to mention ā this is a mental health issue ā itās not about manners.
It is not your fault that you donāt understand whatās going on with women like me, and Iām not actually mad with you for that. Iām mad with a society that treats infertile women like theyāre selfishly making a fuss, if they dare to try and excuse themselves from the carnival of joy that follows a pregnant woman into the office and beyond. That seems to forget about us & then gets annoyed when itās reminded that we do exist. That can laugh kindly and be understanding about the emotional behaviour of a pregnant woman, but is quick to label us selfish or drama queens or jealous, if we are sensitive about trauma triggers such as pregnancy. It feels like weāre pitted against each other somehow, and itās so unfair. We have phrases like āhormonesā and ābaby brainā to ensure that we make space for a pregnant womanās reactions and emotions, but we donāt have a way to tactfully say to pregnant women āHey, maybe you should give your friend with fertility struggles some space and not shove that big old pretty bump in her face right now!ā
Of course pregnant women are in a vulnerable and unique position, and pregnancy is hard and of course we should all look out for them. Iām just saying ā anonymously, because I know how deep this goes in society, that maybe we donāt have to routinely disregard the mental health of infertility sufferers, for the sake of special parties and social niceties? Those things could take place without us. You could graciously excuse us from all of that, if you knew how deep our suffering runs.
Instead weāre expected to fawn over people who (innocently) trigger our deepest feelings of sadness and anger, with a fake smile on our face and a congratulations card ā and Iām sick of it. Weāre all sick of it, but Iām just especially sick of it at the moment. I donāt deserve it ā and you donāt deserve this bitter version of me that exists at the moment. What if I could just say hey ā congratulations but Iām just having a hard time with this because I canāt get pregnant myself. You could say āOK, good luck with that. Not going to be offended if you donāt get involved right now, but youāre always welcome in the future!ā
What if we could handle infertility vs pregnancy better?
So we donāt currently handle it that well, and Iām going to miss your whole pregnancy, and thatās obviously a big deal, right? I donāt actually want to miss a huge chunk of your life, but hereās the kicker ā I have to. For my mental health. Because itās just as important as your mental health. You, as a woman who hasnāt had fertility issues, and apparently got pregnant just by glancing at your husbandās penis in the shower- have no idea whatās happening to me. You will think ā as society tells you to, that I am being bitter and uncaring and mean because itās just in my nature to be like that. That Iām making it āall about meā, when I actually just want to slink away unnoticed. But why would you know any better if no-one ever tells you this stuff or talks about it? Can we just bloody stop this merry-go-round and get real about it please? Iām not mean or uncaring ā Iām just struggling with pregnancy. Including yours.
Give me a pass for heavenās sake. I couldnāt even cope if my cat got pregnant right now, never mind someone I went shopping at Tammy Girl with. Pregnancy is deeply, horribly triggering when you desperately wanted a baby and tried your hardest, but instead you had a miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy, a failed embryo implant, an ectopic pregnancy, a termination for medical reasons or a stillbirth. Show me a woman with fertility struggles who hasnāt had at least one of those. A scan is the very last thing you want to look at. A baby shower is the last place in the universe you want to be. But Iām not allowed to simply say āThanks so much for the invite, truly happy for you but canāt deal with pregnancy RN because Iām doing IVF againā in case it impinges for five seconds upon your fairy-tale. I wonder if Iāll be the same if I ever get pregnant. Probably not, knowing what I know now.
Fertility struggles have given me a new perspective
So what is it that I know now? That infertility is traumatic. That IVF is mentally and physically hard, and it doesnāt always work. That it can cause relationship strain and feelings of inadequacy and mental health challenges galore. Financial struggles. Hormonal drugs. Constant stupid comments from people who donāt understand. Thereās something else too.
Women with fertility issues have to track everything ā periods, ovulations and appointments. They are often acutely aware of how old their own lost and maybe-babies would have been at any given time, as well as the ongoing sense of loss they experience from not being able to have a baby. Nature has a really cruddy way of timing baby showers in the same month as our due-dates that never were. Your baby shower is two weeks after my due date 2 years ago. I should be bringing my nearly 2 year old with me. See, I told you we track everything.
Do you really want me to explain that Iād be bringing the baggage of my lost child with me to this party? Do I owe you that? Or could you, you know, just be understanding that baby showers might just be a little bit hard for someone thatās been trying to get pregnant for longer than youāve known your husband?
So thatās my confession, and Iām going to passive-aggressively post it on my wall and hope that you read it. I canāt come to you with my truth, because Iād risk āstressing you outā and āmaking it all about meā if I did. I canāt just suck it up, because my mental health is too fragile for that right now. So here I am as a woman with fertility struggles, asking for a little understanding from my friends. Can we call a truce? Can we be more honest with each other? Can we accept that pregnancy is wonderful for you but hard for others? As a woman trying so hard for a baby, I live in hope.ā
CD 1 today. After around 5 tests showing faint positives but never getting darker & slowly faded away, I knew I was having another chemical pregnancy. This will be my 3rd one in the past year. I cried, I had my breakdown, I let myself feel what I needed to feel. And now we move on to the next month...but I have a feeling things will be different from here on out. My faith is dwindling & I want to work on myself a bit. Weāll never stop trying, but Iām going to try to relax & not live my life surrounded by tests & medicine.
You know how I joked about being one negative pregnancy away from a new tattoo right? I wasnāt joking. š Through my struggles with secondary infertility & good ol depression & anxiety, I wanted to get something that I could look down to remind myself that...Iām worthy. Iām still worthy. And if you know me, you know Iām a major nerd, so I had to nerd it up a bit! Cap & Thor are some of my favorite Marvel characters so I thought theyād be perfect to incorporate in my worthy tattoo ā¤ļø
Keep on keeping on, through the hurt, through the negatives, through the storm.
A few weeks ago I my husband I was one negative pregnancy test away from getting another tattoo. 10 dpo, BFN. So, Iām starting to think about my next tattoo! šš„“
Some may say therapy is a more cost effective way to deal with the stress of infertility but I think Iād rather just get some new ink to make myself feel better š
Everything inside me is telling me this month is it. But...ugh. I should know better to be this hopeful. Dull cramps, sore boobs, the super light spotting a couple of days ago, my cervix is suuuuper high & soft & closed. Iām also bloated to hell. Of course, that could alllll be the progesterone supplements talking which is why Iām not holding my breath. šŖ
I went shopping today & while looking for shirts for my daughter on the same clothes rack there were two shirts back to back with pineapples on them (infertility symbol) & then a big sister shirt RIGHT behind them! If that aināt a sign, I donāt know what is! I smiled big in the aisle bc I love seeing signs, even if they donāt turn out to be one...false hope is better than no hope in my book. I came home with the pineapple shirts but the big sister shirt ended up staying, didnāt want to jinx anything. š Although...if I get a bfp soon, Iāll be going back & getting it. ā¤ļøšš¤š¼
