This is me.
I am fat.
I am fit.
And I am a badass, apparently.
I know whoever’s following me is here for art, but bear with me. This is important to me.
I’ve never seen myself portrayed as this cool fighter in the photo - so the fact that this is me, is a revelation to me.
This photo was taken as part of an article about plus-sized women who work out for fun, not for weight loss. It’s an interesting article; it reviews recent scientific studies debunking myths about fat bodies, and includes interviews with 3 other women besides myself. It’s in Hebrew, though; here’s a LINK.
I started practicing in Abada Capoeira 4 years ago.
All these four years, I’ve been constantly struggling with crippling insecurities and self doubt, every single practice. But my struggles are working out for me. It’s slowly sinking in, that being fat doesn’t stop me from doing anything – I stop me from doing things.
After all, just like everyone else in western culture - I was taught that fat people can’t do things. And I’ve always been fat.
I’ve spent most of my life worrying about food, dieting, and forcing myself to exercise. It was clear to me that I, a fat person, could never take pleasure in sports, so I never sought out a pleasurable experience in my workouts.
At some point, I became sick of torturing my body and my brain with haunting thoughts about food, with my seesawing weight and the depression following the inevitable weight gain.
And I decided to give up.
I quit my gym subscription. I quit the weight watchers thing I had been part of.
I just existed with my body and tried to be ok with it.
I wasn’t. My body’s always been a useless lump attached to my brain, holding me back. Giving up didn’t change that.
My best friend had started taking capoeira classes. He’d been raving about this awesome sport for a few months, about how nice and communal and friendly it was. How creative and fun. He made it sound awesome. And I decided I’d take a venture outside my comfort zone, and give it a shot.
My friend was highly skeptical. He knew that I was a proud couch potato, knew how much I hated working out - and capoeira is an intense fucking workout!
But I tried it, and it was so hard, and so painful - but most of the time I didn’t even notice, because my big strong brain was getting a workout, too. And suddenly, I could do a one-handed cartwheel! I felt like a superhero!
My friend stopped going a short while after I had started. But I stayed. Not because I was forcing myself, not because I had a goal. I stayed because I just liked being there. I liked the process, I liked the progress, I liked the people, I liked the person it turned me into. I did it for fun.
And that’s my revelation for you guys - working out can be so much fun, even if you’ve always hated it. You just haven’t found the thing that engages you, yet. Get creative! Go outside your comfort zone! Try something no one expects from you! And forget about your dumb goals! Just have fun!
So now I’m still fat. And I’m finally cool with it.
Took me 30 years of living, but I’ve finally realized that my body isn’t a thing to be looked at. It’s a tool for me to use. A powerful tool. And it’s mine; I live inside of it.
And when I give it a chance - it never ceases to amaze and surprise me.
That’s it, bye.
kianamaiart
gummygunk
origamiaround
